Verbal Barf

Come on now....we've all had it at some point or another, right? And boy, oh boy did I ever just have it tonight. The result of a very long and very stressful day no doubt. I think everyone within 2 city blocks could hear these words somewhere off in the distance:

"Tharrrrrr she blows matey!!!!"

And as much as I hate to admit it, I did blow with a string of profanities that would surely curl your hair. It's just that I have people coming at me from all directions telling me what I need to do, what I should do, what I have to do and how to do it best. I got people giving me unwanted advice and people talking about my situation with other people. So, unless I ask for it, please don't offer me your sage advice. I don't wanna hear it....all it does is stress me out even more trying to make all of you happy by trying to follow your advice. I should add that I truly do appreciate it when people ask me how I am doing or how I am holding up. Knowing that you are thinking of me gives me great comfort. It's just dishing out the advice that makes me cringe.

Anyway, since I got my panties all up in a wad, I decided that the best thing to do was to come here and type. Get it out, let it out, and while I am here I am going to make a quick gratitude list. Because in all the crap, there has got to be something I am grateful for right? So here goes:

1) To God who is carrying me because I can't even walk right now.
2) To my kids for being the inspiration that keeps me moving forward
3) To my job, that I still have in this failing economy when so many people I know have lost theirs.
4) To my friends who are keeping me afloat and who listen to me whine incessantly about my misery. "Whoa is me", right?
5) To good music that "takes me away to that special place".
6) To the great weather we had last Saturday and Sunday.
7) To Twix candy bars for getting me through the afternoons when I can hardly move.
8) To Facebook for keeping me sane the past month. Thanks for the laughs!
9) To exercise which has been a great stress reliever for me.
10) To my texting buddy....you've given me a slither of hope to hang on to and reminded me that I used to be somebody once upon a time. Thank you for that :)

So there you have it. I found 10 things I could be grateful for, even tonight, and I feel better already! I encourage you to stop what you are doing right now and make a list too, it always brings you out of yourself long enough to appreciate even the smallest of things in your life. By journaling and making gratitude lists, we can eliminate stress so that we don't end up having verbal barf like I did tonight. Good Luck!

Just the three of us

I am slowly but surely getting this new routine of my life down pat. I am making some huge transitions in our lives, but it's for the better. The three of us are adapting quite well in fact. Jade is helping out with dinner and dishes and Ivy is not complaining...which is the best that I can hope for. It's kind of sad, that she seems the least affected by this whole mess. It doesn't seem to bother her that Dad's not here. Not sure if that is her quiet way, or the autism that steals her emotions away from her. Hoping it's the first one. I know that this is not easy for any of us and I wouldn't wish this situation on even my worst enemy. But we are doing fine and getting through it. Nothing more really, just wanted to say that we are okay, just the three of us. <3

Writer's Block

I think I am experiencing a classic case of plain old writer's block. I need a muse. Normally the words flow like honey, but with so much going on in my personal life, I just don't seem to have the inspiration to put anything good on my blog. I guess you all will have to bear with me as I wade through the mess of my life. I know without a doubt that one day the words will come easily again and I just have to patient. But in the meantime, don't expect too much.

So on another note, I was just realizing that I only have about 7 weeks of work left for the school year and then I am jobless for a couple of months. I am kind of panicked about the thought of that. I am not sure what I am going to do this summer. I have to work. There is no question about that. But with the economy in the crapper like it is, jobs are very hard to come by. So, I am on a mad search for summer work. Wish me luck with that and if you could spare a prayer for me and the girls, I would love you forever. <3

What to do , what to do?

Well, I find myself at a crossroad. What to do with myself now? For so long, for so many years all I ever did was eat, sleep and breathe autism and recovery. Now that I no longer need to work so feverishly to save my daughter, now that I no longer have a husband here to argue with, what will I DO with myself?

Enjoy the one on one time with the girls, exercise a little, get a pedicure, eat right, sleep well....in other words do stuff that is going to nourish my soul. Yeah, I can do all those things but I am one of those people that must have something to really believe in, some kind of goal to strive towards. So that is why I ask myself what am I going to with Lisa now?

I think the best way to handle things is to use the KISS method (keep it simple stupid, LOL!). If I just keep it simple and take one day at a time, eventually I will find which road is the right road to travel down. In the meantime, I can enjoy the scenery and take in the sights from standing right here at this nice little crossroad I am standing at.

I wish to thank all the people who have encouraged me in the past month and who have reached out to me to offer up their experience, strength and hope with me as I walk through this difficult time in my life.

Just a quick update on the girls. They are handling this like troopers! Unbelievably well in fact which tells me I made the right move here. We are communicating daily and keeping an open attitude. They are seeing a counselor so they can talk with someone other than mom and dad. In fact, I have already noticed a change in attitude in them both. I think maybe that is my clue that just as much as my husband and I were miserable....they were miserable too. Now that the tension is gone from the house, so is the stress and so is the attitude and misbehaving. They are just doing great. I couldn't be prouder of them and their efforts. I know it's really hard on them, but I think we are going to get through this as a team, or at least I hope so.

Challenge Yourself

Ever wonder how we phase from one point in our lives to the other? You know those infamous moments in time when it is the most uncomfortable...the growing pains called LIFE. I do. I wonder how I have managed to make it through some of the toughest times of my life (i.e raising a child with autism) and I have still come out "ok" on the other side. Not to say that I came out completely unscathed, because I have not. I have battle wounds and some very deep scars. I have lost some very important things along the way. But, sometimes....that is the price we have to pay. Unfortunately.

I like a challenge and life always presents us with challenge. But it's those very challenges that make us stronger individuals. Weaves the fabric of our lives....
Right now I am experiencing the most painful challenge of my life. The death of my marriage. It's been ugly and I am shameful of my behavior at times, but I know without a doubt that I have done everything possible to save it and it still wasn't enough. Sometimes....even though it's painful, we have to know when enough is enough and let go. Which is what I have done. I am letting go of the dream, letting go of the challenge and letting go of the hurt, anger and pain. It's just time.

So, this brings me to my subject of challenging oneself. I am challenging myself to rise above this and prevail. Challenging myself to keep trudging the road to a happy destiny. I was once told by a wiser person than I, that the word "trudge" means to walk with a purpose. I like to think that I do have a purpose and I am walking towards that. So I keep trudging along....challenging myself to be a better person, better mother and hopefully a better partner to the next person I might be lucky enough to share my life with. Actually I don't think the future looks so glum. I am excited about the possibilities that are out there for me. That makes me smile...just a little.