NotJustAny*Blog

Friday Fun Day

2011-10-28T17:24:00.003-04:00

So today at work we wrapped up the end to our United Way Campaign. All week we did various things to raise money for UW. We also volunteered at an inner city school this week. That was SO rewarding. I helped in one of the kindergarten rooms quizzing kids on alphabet flash cards. I had to laugh out loud when the kids kept pronouncing the "Q" as "qwah"...too funny. Today we grilled out hamburgers and hotdogs and played in a cornhole tourney, raffle off prizes, etc.

Tonight, I am spending the evening my love, Jadie Pie. It's going to be a Mom and Me night. Movie and dinner. Her choice all the way around. I am really looking forward to that.

QOTD: I'd rather live a life full of "oh well's" than a life full of "what if's?"

Happy Weekend everyone! <3

Friday Fun Day

2011-10-07T09:27:00.004-04:00

QOTD

Ivy: Phil take your socks off

Phil: No, my feet are cold

Ivy: I think you are having a relationship with your socks tonight.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed! That is one funny girl.

Weekend Plans

Lunch with a friend Saturday
Birthday Party for nephew Max, 4th Birthday!!
Relax, relax, relax!

Daily Deal

Get your Riley Days groove on this weekend, weather's going to be beautiful!
What a great weekend for milling around downtown Greenfield, checking out the arts and crafts, eating some fine "festival food" and watching some wonderful entertainment.

Losing One's Mojo

2011-10-06T13:22:00.004-04:00

It's true, I have lost my Mojo. Anyone seen it lying around? If so, please let me know because I am LOST without it. I can't seem to focus or get motivated here. I am sinking quick. How can I be 46 yrs old and still not know what I want to do with my life? I feel so stagnant, like I am stuck in a deep rut that I couldn't work my way out of it if I tried!!

This is the worst feeling in the world. Do I change careers or stay at this job that feels like it's sucking the life out of me. Do I go back to school and get a degree doing something I am passionate about? If so, then what exactly am I passionate about? I don't have a clue. I know I love kids of all ages. I know I love writing. I know I love being outdoors and that God, music and sunshine make me feel whole inside. I know I love being a Stay At Home Mom. Other than that...I got nothing. Nadda, zilch, zippo. And what kind of career choices are there for people like me? I need to be able to support myself and my two girls without worry. What's out there?

By now the whole world has heard about the passing of Steve Jobs yesterday. I was reading online and came across a quote of his that really struck a chord with me:

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.“ ~ Steve Jobs

That is such a profound statement. I don't love what I do...at all. I am not passionate about what I do...at all. If I could find something that pays well that I could do from home that involves some form of writing and kids, I think I would have it made! Cha-cha-cha!

Until then, I am off to look for my Mojo. Lord, please let me find it soon.

Life is Short

2011-09-26T10:51:00.004-04:00

Last Thursday, we got the news that Phil's mom had unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 65. What a tailspin of emotions that followed over the next few days. Phil is my honey bun. Having someone die so quickly and so unexpectedly really, really puts things into perspective for you. I have run the gamut of emotions since then. I have been up then down, then all around. I have cried several times. Felt unsure and overwhelmed and questioned everything. Of course losing a parent is never easy and I think that some of the emotional floods that came pouring out was remembering when my own father passed away and the grief and hurt I experienced at that time. Small world that it is, when my Dad retired, he took a part-time job working at the local country club regripping golf clubs and what not. Phil's mom was the club manager at the Country Club and they worked together. So there is that weird kind of connection that our parents had and now they are both gone. I would like to think as much as they both loved to golf, that maybe they are together playing a round of 18 today in Heaven. :)

So lessons learned from this: love the one your with, love openly and often, tell people NOW how you feel about them so there is nothing left to question, be thankful you are alive and well, hug your kids often, make time for your family, make that phone call TODAY not tomorrow and last but not least, lean on your friends and family and most of GOD when you find yourself in this situation. People really DO want to help in some small way. Let them! If you don't then you are stealing your Blessings!

Melancholy

2011-09-21T11:13:00.003-04:00

I came across this wonderful quote from a famous Swiss philosopher and poet, Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) and I just loved it. It felt as if someone tore into my brain and ripped out my EXACT thoughts. The quote reads like this:

"These pages reproduce me very imperfectly, and there are many things in me of which I find no trace in them. I suppose it is because, in the first place, sadness takes up the pen more readily than joy; and, in the next, because I depend so much upon my surrounding circumstances. When there is no call upon me, and nothing to put me to the test, I fall back into melancholy; and so the practical man, the cheerful man, the literary man, does not appear in these pages. The portrait is lacking in proportion and breadth; it is one-sided, and wants a center; it has, as it were, been painted from too near".

I read that over at least 5 times. That's me! That's the girl I know! I write with passion when my back is up against the wall. The periods when I have no muse and can't find my own words are when I am happy and living my life in the open, not in my journal, in hiding...in secret. I guess that the same thing would hold true for all the great love songs coming from periods of lowliness when the people writing them had broken hearts. The best stories of our lives come from overcoming life's obstacles. When I am feeling melancholy is when I write best.
The very definition of the word melancholy is: a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression or sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

Hmmmmm....yep pretty sure that describes how I am feeling these days to a "T".

Surrender

2011-09-19T10:55:00.004-04:00

Surrender, Surrender, but don't give yourself away.....

Does anyone ever come to the point in your life where you know that your life is unmanageable and you can't live one more moment in the skin you're in? I woke up feeling exactly that way today. nearly had a panic attack on the way to work. All I could think of was that I need to surrender my heart, my thoughts, my hang-ups and my sins to God. Surrendering ourselves to a higher power can really bring some great relief to our own miseries. I just feel like somewhere along the journey in the past 2 years, I have gotten way off track here. Probably why I am so restless, irritable and discontent. Probably why I keep finding myself feeling like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Probably why I keep finding myself asking what the heck is going on here? Why are things so crazy? Probably why I feel like I am in my own prison.

So admitting to myself and to God that there is an issue is the first step to change. Admitting that I have an issue to others is the surrendering part. Putting the claim into action is the hardest part. But I know no matter what, no matter how crazy life is for me, it's my own doing. Also, I know that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him. <3

The waiting is the hardest part

2011-09-14T09:05:00.003-04:00

Seems we are always waiting for something or someone in life. We pray for answers to our questions, wants and for some meaning in our lives. Then, we wait. Sometimes we wait for days or months before it becomes clear to us what the answer is. Sometimes it's even longer. The waiting is the hardest part. Living life through faith and believing that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here, right now is challening to say the least. Especially so if you have issues with being impatient. Which for me, I think "impatient" is my middle name. It's so hard for me to be right here in this moment and not be thinking of what I need to do, what I ought to do, what I should have done, what I could have done, etc. When was the last time you just enjoyed the moment and really savored it for all it was worth?

Hoping for some significant changes in my life and praying for answers to come. The waiting is the hardest part. Did I mention that already??!!??

Times they are a changin'...

2011-08-18T09:03:00.005-04:00

Bob Dylan's album came out in February of 1964 a full year before I was even born, yet today here in 2001, this song still resonates with me. I especially love this verse:

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’

It seems the world is moving at record speed all the time now and some days I can't keep up with life. All I want to do is relax for 5 minutes, but something else is always distracting me and my thoughts along that path to relaxation. I think I have lost my ability to focus and become centered. The times they are changing for sure. If I don't get on the boat, looks like I am going to get left behind here. I don't want to be "that mom" that fights with her daughters and has a strained relationship. I want to be open and honest and non judgemental and to love my kids unconditionally. I don't want to get left behind. I know times are changing and want to be able not only understand those changes, but roll with them too!

But how do I shepherd my sweet, little sheep and keep them from straying off when we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes together without disagreeing about something? The stress and strain is wearing me out. She thinks I am so old fashioned. I think I am pretty darn opened minded and forward thinking. She thinks I treat her like a baby. I think I am way too lenient on her. She thinks I don't know good music or fashion. I DO know good music and it's not what she listens to or what she is wearing, ha ha! For now I am just going to PUSH- pray until something happens. What else can I do? I know I am not the first mom to have walked this road, parenting is just never easy, is it? Lord, help me make it through these years to come. I may not make it through them!

Acceptance

2011-08-09T08:54:00.010-04:00

Today I am writing about my own acceptance. Never in my life have I been more aware of age and it's limitations. For the first time in my life, it has occured to me that I am middle aged. Now one would think that when I get up every day and look at my 46 yr old self in the mirror, that I would already know that, right? Wouldn't those pesky gray hairs and ever present bags under the eyes and the ever increasing wrinkles give that away? But really, truly I am seriously just now figuring it out. And for once I am feeling that my age is actually holding me back at something. That something is work.

I have been at my current job for just about 2 yrs now. Today as I was driving to work, I realized that even though I prayed and prayed for this job, that it just might not be the job for me after all. I am so very grateful to even have a job that pays decent wages and has good benefits, why should I even complain, right? The complaint lies in the fact that for the first time in my life, I have NOT been able to excel in a place that I work. I have now officially been passed over for 4 promotions. FOUR! I know that I am totally qualified, so why am I getting passed over? It can't be my job performance, which if I may toot my own horn for a minute, is excellent! It's has got to be because I am old. Nothing more, nothing less. Wow, what a slap in the face of my reality! Accept that one. You are getting passed over for promotions because you are 10-15 years older than all your co-workers. Ouch!

So about a month and half ago I started selling 31 Gifts on the side to make some extra cash since I am seemingly going nowhere in my current job. So far, I am super excited with it!! It's new and exciting and different and I am really enjoying it so far! I am motivated and I am feeling like I am being pulled in this direction from above. I never pictured myself as being in direct sales, but this really seems to be a good fit for me. My hope is to do so well with 31, that I can quit my current job, sell and recruit for 31 full time and be close to home to my 2 beautiful girls and get back to being the mom I used to be to them. Wish me luck in my new adventure. Please send positive thoughts my way if you can spare some!

And you know what? Today, I just really don't care that I am going nowhere in my current job. I know that God has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be right now and I have hope on my horizon and if this place doesn't want to promote me, well then that's quite alright and it's their loss because they have no clue exactly what they have passed over!!

Jade

2011-08-01T16:45:00.008-04:00

I have just felt compelled to write about Jade for the past 2 days. I mean she has really been boring a hole in my brain. The though of her being sad is burning through my heart. I had the most gut wrenching heart to heart talk with her before she went to California to visit my mom and it's just weighing so heavy on my heart, still...10 days after the fact. Bless her little beautiful soul. She is one amazing kid and quite simply I just don't let her know that as often as I should. In fact, if they were giving out mother of the year awards this week, I would not only get nominated for world's worst mom, but I would win too. Hands down with no competition. I am ashamed to say that I have failed her greatly.

Everything and I mean everything in this house revolves around Ivy. Jade feels so left behind. She said some very frank and very true statements to me last week. It was enough of a jolt that I was left speechless and for those of you that know me well, that is not a common occurrence. For 10 long days I have been tossing her sad little words around in my head and then bouncing them off my heart and then only to return them back to my head for another go around. I just keep hearing the words repeat over and over again, "you ALWAYS put Ivy before me". She said many other things to me that day too that hurt, but she really drove it home with that up there^. And you know what? She is 100% right....I do.

The only way that I know how to remember all her wonderful qualities is to reflect upon them. Writing is the one way I can express those feelings and thoughts that I have about her. There's no time like the present to start writing, so here goes nothing...

My Jade is 12 years old. She is stuck in that really hard "tween" stage. Struggling with herself that she is no longer a little girl, but not yet a big girl either. She is a hard worker in school and strives to please her teachers. She makes you laugh and her sense of humor is hysterical. She loves to make other people laugh. She is multi-talented for sure. She can sing so beautifully and not afraid to sing to a crowd. She loves to act and sing and dance. She loves to write play scripts, direct them, record them, mix and edit them and then upload them. Those are just a few of the little things that make up her very complex little personality.

The thing I love most about Jade is that even though most days she can't stand her sister, she is the first one to stand up for her and watches over her like a momma hen watches over her chicks.

She is fiercely passionate about things she loves just like me. She has lots of friends and kinda known as being different and even though she doesn't like that, I do...because the means I have taught her to be her own person and not cave to conformity. She beats to the tune of her own drum. And that drums takes her to far away places in her mind. She has the most amazing imagination. She can dream anything and imagine more than most. I have always had this vision of Jade being something really big one day. She is such a little humanitarian and she doesn't even realize it. Her love for all animals is simply unbelievable, she is like some special kind of gifted animal whisperer. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and I think she would make a fine one for sure. People who loves animals like the way Jade loves them have a special place in Heaven waiting for them for sure. So those are a few things about Jade that makes her such a special young lady.

The thing I need to figure out now is how to break the current cycle we have entered now? She is very angry with me over the divorce and she blames me. Although one day she will fully understand that one person doesn't end a relationship, that it takes two, I am not sure I am going to survive her wrath in the meantime. I am not asking for her to understand complex adult issues, but I could sure use a break from her constant slinging of insults, hurtful comments and outright defiance most days. How do I get back to where we used to be? I am taking her to see a counselor and I am willing to do whatever leg work that it takes to make this better for us both. I know she is miserable too and maybe she just lashes out at me because she knows that I will always love her no matter what she says to me. All I know is that I want my little Jadie Bug back so we can start living and stop the fighting. I give...I raise my white flag! God help us get back to where we need to be please.

Tuesday's Thoughts

2011-07-26T17:08:00.009-04:00

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Oddest Places

2011-07-14T08:05:00.009-04:00

Last night felt just like deja vu' for sure. I found myself in the parking lot of a famous big box store shaking with anger, frustration and wondering where exactly is my life going these days? Really? Has it come to this AGAIN? All I could think of was I didn't have anyone to call. Who wants to hear me whine about my troubles yet again, for the one millionth time in the past 2 yrs?
Do I cry? No. I can't even muster up tears I am so upset. Everything is caving in all around me and my life is once again, out-of-control. Hello stranger, where you been hiding yourself lately? Welcome back and let's hope you don't hang around for long.

In the course of about 3 mths, I have had some serious issues. Starting with my oven which will not heat up. I can use the cooktop, but the oven doesn't work. Next came the washing machine, fills and empties, but won't agitate or spin....do you KNOW how much laundry we produce each week? Next comes my first ever speeding ticket. Next comes my first ever wreck of backing into someone in a parking lot and having a $1000 deductible which means I have to pay for this one on my own. Next comes my fridge this week which decided to poop out with all the other appliances in my house. Last night was the icing on the cake. I hear my ex is planning to take me to court for full custody because I am an unfit mother. Really?? Really?? Really, I ask again?

I am at maximum stress level at this point. I am going to say this OUT LOUD. I was soooo, soooo stupid for not getting myself an attorney and ending this thing already. I went to one and was planning on filing and the ex talked me out of it. He thought that it would be much cheaper if we did it together through the courthouse. BIG MISTAKE. Now it seems that decision has come back around to bite me right in the butt. I am just too nice is the problem. I felt sorry for him.

What is wrong with me? I believe that this is the perfect example of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I have myself so backed into a corner right now, that I am not sure I can work myself out of it. How many times am I going to let myself be the guy getting sand kicked in his face?

I just want this nightmare to be over. Can someone please wake me up??? Throw me a line, lend me a hand, give me a swift kick in the butt. Just please, don't let me drown here in my own self pity and my own certain stupidity. And whatever you do, please stop saying you told me so! Believe me, NO ONE knows more than I do, that I screwed up, ok? So let's just leave it at that. Just like that old cliche', it's easier said than done here. It's not like I can just whip out a wad of cash and march down to the attorney's office and file. That takes money and right now, money is something I have very little of. I have been barely treading water for the past year and a half and each and every week, I rob Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet and do what I have to do for my girls. I have a lot of expenses and lots of money going out and not enough coming in. I just got a second job 2 weeks ago and hopefully that will take some of the financial burden off me, but I am going to be one tired woman working 60-70 hours a week now. But hey, enough whining already. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do what a girl has to do.

If the universe was ever screaming to a person to wake up, it's got to be shouting my name! I hear you, I got it. I get it. Life is what you make it and if there is one thing I have learned from this whole ugly experience, you aren't in control of it no matter how much you wish you were. My life plan is already laid out for me, if I would just follow the script! Why, why, why do I always try to take over the directors job? Each and every time I do that, I always find myself flat out in the middle of the floor on my back because that certain someone (and you know who that is) just yanked the rug out from under me to get my attention. Unfortunately, I can't hear well, so I have to be knocked over the head before I get the signs.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him.

Ready for SPRING!!!

2011-02-11T10:38:00.002-05:00

I can feel it around the corner. Maybe it's the fact that I was born on Groundhog's Day? But I am telling you, I can feel it. I am predicting an early Spring...despite that we are barely past the Ice Storm of the Decade last week. Everything is still frozen here and locked beneath a 6 inch layer, but the birds are chirping and we are headed for a warm up this weekend. The weather man is calling for a mid 40's warm up and compared to the temps we've been dealing with of late, that's a darn heat wave!!

I long for green grass and tulips and daffodils poking up through my flower beds. I long for warm breezy afternoons and rain showers. For Spring can only mean one thing in my book...the entry to summer and I love summer. I live for summers. I am excited of the possibilities that this Spring will bring. I am looking forward to working in my yard and on my back patio, planting flower beds and finding a place to camp and boat this summer. I can't wait!

So what's on YOUR agenda for this Spring?

Mondays Child

2011-01-24T09:59:00.006-05:00

I love the old Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme Poem called Monday's Child:

Mondays Child

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I have read this poem a thousand times over the years since I was a little girl myself. I never really paid it no mind until today when I read again for the one thousand and first time. I decided to dig a little deeper into the meaning of the lines. I looked up my date of birth and then my girls and here is where we stand:

Me: Tuesdays Child is full of grace

Jade: Wednesdays child is full of woe

Ivy: Thursdays child has far to go

WOW! Did you read that? If not please reread it once more for me! Now I am not so sure about the full of grace for me....but the other two are quite frankly spot on! Unbelievably so!!

When I think of Jade, I do think of woe. She is always so dramatic and life is just so unfair to her. She some days feels like there is so much unjustness in her life that she is the sole bearer of this cross. Of course I just chalk it up to prepubescent HORMONES, but this is helpful in knowing that its her destiny to feel "woebegone" as a general rule. I have to laugh because my nick name for her is "Negative Nelly"...hahaha!

When I think of Ivy, I think how far she has to go yet. I can't help to think of how far she has already come, so her journey is not over so to speak. She was dealt a crappy hand in life, but along the way she has overcome and triumphed like a true champion and her load will be long and there will never be a full recovery, but she can hopefully learn to adjust to life and her surroundings enough to cope on a day to day basis and no one will be the wiser to her "issues" except those that know and love her.

So what's your day of the week and how does it fit into the description of yourself? Drop me a line and let me know!

2011...and I am Living the Dream

2011-01-05T13:33:00.004-05:00

LIVING THE DREAM. I decided that this will be my mantra for 2011. After experiencing so much heartache in 2009 and 2010, I need a new out look on life. So in 2011, I will be living the dream, but not just anyone's dream. I will be living MY dream. And if you aren't in my dream, then buddy you better be stepping on out of my way because NOTHING is going to stop me from this being my best year yet!

The thing I love about January is the renewal process and how we get to wipe the slate clean and start fresh each year. I have my list of resolutions (or goals) for 2011. I gave them to the Universe and have set them all free. Here's to hoping I can actually stick to some of them this year and make some really positive changes in my life. :) I have decided not to list them publically this year. I have reasons for this: 1) No need to list them only to break them 2 mths later and 2) hopefully I WON'T break them and you will just notice the changes in me that were on my list ;)

I wish you all a wonderful and Happy New Year!

Life is Good

2010-11-06T19:47:00.001-04:00

All is well in Lisa Land. I am grateful for so many things in my life today. I have a good job that provides for me and the girls. Things are turning around in the relationship sector and I am just generally and overall happy with myself and with my life. Like I said, life is good!

Time flies when you're having fun

2010-10-01T18:43:00.003-04:00

So, I last posted in APRIL...are you serious? And I made a promise that I was going to keep up with the writing for the simple fact that it's sooo therapeutic. Guess times flies when you're having fun, eh?

Seems like the days and nights just come so quickly these days, the next thing you know it's been a month, then two, then three and so on. This job of mine is time consuming, but I am starting to find my groove. We continue to grow, expand and continue to hire and in today's economy, that's a very good thing. I am so fortunate to even have a job right now that I find it hard to really complain about the long hours and the long drive I have each day.

The girls began school in August and things are smoothing out quite nicely with them. They are adjusting well to my new hours and I hardly ever hear any belly aching from them these days. We got a system going in the mornings and I am so proud of them for getting up each morning and being responsible for themselves and getting the job done that needs to be done each morning. I try to praise them often and give them credit where credit is due. :)

My personal life is kinda in upheaval right now. Not ready to share, but suffice it to say that eventually we all come down off that proverbial love cloud at some point. I am saddened and truly disappointed that things aren't going in a different direction that I had so hoped for in this relationship. I am just going to give it all up to God, because He knows what's best for me anyway and no amount of worrying that I do, is going to change the outcome any.....for whatever that ends up being. I am just going to continue to do what I do and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It'll all work out however it's meant to work out. Staying positive is the best thing I can do for me and my kids right now.

I'm ready for Fall and ready for sweater weather, bonfires and pumpkin patches...even though I hate to see summer go. It's just the winter I dread that's coming after Fall. I've said before on this blog, I am not a fan of winter in any way, shape or form, ha! So for now, I will enjoy the changing of this season, the changing of the leaves from green to golden yellows, oranges and reds and relax and know that right here, right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Thinking it's time to move on...

2010-04-30T14:14:00.005-04:00

Yeah I know, haven't posted in EON'S!! I keep thinking I will have the time to update and people keep asking me, why I am not writing anymore??? Well mostly it's a time factor and that so much has happened since my last post that I really don't even know where to begin.

For starters, I started a new job the end of January. I am driving 45 min one way to work and enjoying the hustle bustle of the corporate world. Feel like I am using my brain more than anyone person ever needs to use it. Seems like some days I can hear the nerve endings sizzling inside my head on the drive home. I don't think I am going to have to worry about Alzheimer's any time soon the way this new place makes me use my brain, lol....

The girls are adjusting to mom being gone longer hours with protest. They miss me at their beck and call is more like it. They are not digging my new found independence any or that they are now sharing me with the love of my life, Phil. Seems there are never enough hours in one day to meet everyone's needs. Heavy sigh...

Took the girls fishing last night much to MY protest. I may be a lot of things...but one thing I am not is a fisher woman. I don't like. I don't enjoy it. I don't even eat fish (well tuna maybe)...why would I want to catch one?? But as Phil put it....I went for moral support and to take pics of my cute little girls fishing and having fun. Ok, whatever....next time I think I will opt out for a pedicure instead or fake illness or something. Fishing is for the birds.

TGIF!! I am looking forward to the coming weekend and sharing good times with all five of the girls this week-end. I wonder if Phil and I will ever get to retire with 5 girls to get through college and then married off. Another heavy sigh.....here's hoping you have a wonderful weekend enjoying and doing the things you love most!

Welcoming the new year...

2010-01-12T11:12:00.002-05:00

How glad I am to see 2010 roll into my life. I started to post at Christmas time and then things got really hectic and really busy in my life and I just never got around to doing so. I figure I can start clean in 2010 and attempt to keep this blog updated a little more. It's my ONLY New Year's Resolution in fact. I don't make resolutions because I always, always break them...so there you have it.

Just feeling extremely grateful for all the blessings in my life these days. Doors keep opening for me and things just keep getting better all the time. I feel richly blessed by friends and family and I know that no matter how rough life can seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I am currently ending one chapter in my life and beginning a new one. This chapter is exciting and full of hope and promise. I can wait to see how it ends.

Here's hoping that 2010 will bless you all in ways you never thought possible. Thanks for being in my life and for being my inspiration this past year! Couldn't have done it all without all of you. <3

BEING THANKFUL

2009-11-25T09:52:00.003-05:00

This Thanksgiving, there is just so much to be thankful for in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I took the opportunity today to thank some people on Facebook, by posting a "thankful post" on each person's wall. I told them the exact reason I was thankful for them in my comment. I am a firm believer of telling people how you feel now cuz when you're gone, you can't. Simple fact.

So as I write today about thankfulness, I can't help but feel grateful for all the people in my life that have helped me out this past year. I read through some old posts last night and reading a few of them was downright painful. I remember clearly being in the WalMart parking lot wishing my life was over. I remember clearly calling out to God that night for help. I remember promising to have the courage to change the things I could in order for things to improve in my life. That was scary, but a necessary change.

So many people both near to me and far away from me began praying for me. SO many people reached out to me to lend me a hand, their shoulders, time or money when I needed it most. It's been an incredibly rough 9 mths, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's an exhilarating feeling knowing I did this and I survived. :) So today as I reflect on what I am truly thankful for, I want to remember all those friends and family members who held me up when I couldn't walk on my own. I am so thankful for your presence in my life, soooo thankful for your love that I feel like I could burst wide open with thankfulness!

Here's hoping you have lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving too. Much love <3

FALLING in LOVE...

2009-11-16T12:17:00.006-05:00

Yes it's true, I admit it. I am IN LOVE! I have been keeping this little secret all to myself until the time was right to share it. But I could yell it from the rooftops now and not care who knows! I am in love and not ashamed to say it. It's really amazing how things work out when we let God do the navigating. Waaay back in February of this year I had a nice long sit down with God and told him of my troubles and my unhappiness. I made a promise right then that I would do my part down here on Earth if he would help me out of the situation I was currently in. And then I waited....I waited patiently. I cried a lot, I prayed a lot, I talked to my loved ones gone before me asking for guidance (thank you Grandma!!), I doubted myself, I had LOADS of self pity, but I persevered and I waited some more asking for nothing other than God's will in my life.

Then one day when I very least expected it, our paths crossed. And suddenly, it felt like things just clicked into place. I pretty much knew after the first time we spent some time together, that this was the man I had been waiting for. I feel like I waited my whole life to meet him. Whenever we are together, it just feels completely right. I know for sure that he is Heaven sent to me. He is the most amazing addition to my life. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. I just know that my life seems so much fuller with him beside me. <3

I NEED DUCT TAPE!!!!!!!

2009-10-22T09:35:00.004-04:00

Can I just scream for second here? Yes? I can? Good...hold on for a minute please.....aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Ok, I feel better. Can I just say that I am so sick and tired of hearing about H1N1 and Swine Flu and Flu vaccines??? OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! I am soooo sick of hearing about it all!!! What sickens me the MOST is that the media and the government have resorted to SCARE TACTICS to bullying the American public into believing that without their yearly flu shot and the new H1N1 Flu shot...you are going to die! I actually got a Honeywell Instant Alert last night from the school I work for reminding me that the deadline for H1N1 shot registration is today! I was steaming mad!! Unbelievably mad!

Here's my take on it. The strain of flu that is going around is a very mild form of H1N1 and isn't it better to build up immunity to that NOW in it's milder form so that when it mutates and becomes lethal down the road in another 10-20 yrs, we have at least some antibodies built up to it in our system? No, apparently someone, somewhere decided to throw together a vaccine in less that 2 mths and did very little proper testing on it and now are bullying you into thinking that without you, you could die? Well, I got news for ya. I could get run over by a frigging bus tomorrow and die. We all are gonna die when we are gonna die...ain't no flu shot gonna protect you from that.

When did Americans become so helpless in their own health? When did people stop thinking for themselves? When did we stop educating ourselves about what is good vs. what is bad for our bodies? When did we let doctors become the dictators of our own health and stop taking charge of ourselves? When did we stop using common sense and use simple methods like washing your hands and covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze? Why not use extra Vitamin C and Echinacea,Vitamin D, arugula, colostrum and the likes to keep our immune systems healthy and running well? Why? Because those things don't make money for big pharma and big pharma owns everything and everyone. Washington DC is big pharma's BITCH!

I understand people who suffers from a chronic illness or disease or the very elderly can benefit from the regular flu shot, but no one else really needs one to be honest...least of all pregnant women! We don't won't any pregnant woman to get the flu anymore than you want your child to get the flu but it happens to be the better of the two choices. I would much rather suffer from the flu for 3-4 days than to be stuck with a vial full of poison that contains all of the below and goes straight through the placenta into the babies blood stream:

Egg proteins: including avian contaminant viruses
Gelatin: known to cause allergic reactions and anaphylaxis are usually associated with sensitivity to egg or gelatin
Polysorbate 80 (Tween80™): can cause severe allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis
Formaldehyde: known carcinogen
Triton X100: a strong detergent
Sucrose: table sugar
Resin: known to cause allergic reactions
Gentamycin: an antibiotic
Thimerosal: mercury is still in multidose vials

OK, I got a nice roll of silver duct tape right here beside me...I am ripping the biggest piece I can off and plastering it across my face. Mmm mmmmm.....mmmmm.....mmm!!

I was TAGGED!!!

2009-10-16T10:27:00.005-04:00

My dear friend Heather decided it was time for me to get busy and start blogging again, so she ever so politely tagged me back into reality, LOL. I've been asked to reveal eight random things about me that people don't already know. So, wow! Umm, that's going to be hard, because I've told you all everything there is to know about me already! I read like an open book....so this is going to be challening. When I am done with my list, then I am going to tag 6 more people to join me!

So here we go, here we go, here-we-go!!

1) I dye my hair. I have been darn near every color on the shelf at some point. I have no clue what my "natural" color is anymore. I first colored my hair with my bestie Carol in 8th grade...we used Sun-In and it became a sorta orangish brownish color.

2) I can't stand for my fingernails to show. I clip them as soon as they grown out even the teeniest bit.

3) I am flat out, hands down addicted to Diet Coke.

4) I love old school video games. My favorites are Centipede, Space Invaders, Missile Command, and Pac Man.

5) I secretly want to give away all my possession but for a few treasured items, pack what's left, take my kids and move out of the country to some place like Germany, or Sweden or France....and live out the rest of my days there.

6) I am very intuiative. I get "feelings" about situations and people that usually come true....I also seem to have a thing for dead people visiting me in my dreams. I think I might be really in tune to the other side for some reason. Wish I knew how to harness it better though....

7) I am 44 yrs old and yeah...I am still afraid of the dark. :)

8) I have never felt my real age....ever. What am I going to tell myself when I turn 50? I am not sure if there is condition for this or not (yeah Lisa, it's called immaturity)...but when I look at some people my age, I think they look really old to me and then I think, there is no way I am that old. How does the mind play tricks on you like that? Because last time I checked, I was born on Feb. 2, 1965...which means that yep, I am getting older by the minute. But on the INSIDE, I still feel 17. :)

So there you have it peeps, 8 very random and obscure things about me. I have decided to take the following people and have left you a comment so that you know I chose you! Thanks for playing along <3

I chose: Ariane, Becky, Wendy, Stephanie, Susan and Christina

Heartbreaker

2009-10-01T09:43:00.004-04:00

Well anyone that has a child with autism surely knows that with autism, comes heartache. That's a given. Someone pointed out to me last night that all kids suffer heartache, not just kids with autism. Very true. All kids have been on the receiving end a time or two of someone's bullying. As a parent, you want to protect them from that type of pain, but yet you have to let them learn to fend for themselves because at times, life just isn't fair and they need to learn coping skills for when that happens. For the most part, I let Ivy fight her own battles, only once have I stepped in and shown my claws since she started school. She is an easy target for kids to pick on because she is not only speech delayed, but she is socially delayed as well. She is in the 3rd grade, yet relates best to the kids in kindergarten and 1st grade. That's where she is as far as maturity level, so that's where she best fits in. Nothing wrong with that, except that her typical peers seem to like to call her names like baby and preschooler and the likes.

Which brings me to my point here....last night Ivy had a meltdown. The kind that breaks your heart kind of meltdown. It's amazing to me the things she remembers. She started crying first that she remembered when she was a baby and she was angry and used to slap me and pull my hairand she was sorry for that. I was sort of dumbfounded. I can't believe she really remembers that. She has never expressed to me that she remembers anything about her earlier years, so how was I to know? That thought sent chills down my spine though. If she remembers doing that at age 2, 3, 4, then kids with autism are indeed locked inside just waiting to get out. That's so scary. So she knew all along what she was doing but couldn't control it. That thought is just really, really sad to me. :(

Then that went straight into a course of "no one likes me at school" tirades...that "everyone thinks she is a baby" and "she doesn't have any real friends" and that "the girls in her class don't like her"...which sent her straight into the "I HATE AUTISM AND I DON'T WANT AUTISM ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE ENZYMES AND EAT SPECIAL FOOD, I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS!!!!" tirade. Which left me speechless. And sad. I don't want her to have autism anymore either. I don't want her to have to take meds and supplements and enzymes and eat special food either. I don't want her to be picked on at school and singled out either. All I could do was hold her and rock her and assure her that she was ok and she was a very special person even with her autism. What else can you do? Food for thought though as I make my way through today: Ivy remembers being locked inside....wow, that's amazing!

Sometimes it's the small things that are BIG!

2009-09-02T05:24:00.003-04:00

It's true....and we can truly miss out on these moments if we aren't looking for them. It's been so painfully obvious that I have struggled with every detail of my life for the past year. It shows here on my blog, in my everyday life and in all that I do. I am the type of person that wears their feelings on their sleeve. I doubt if at any time will you NOT know how I am feeling. Some may say that is a character defect, I just call it part of who I am. :)

Anyway, trying to make it through the muck of my life lately has been less than pleasant. I have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering what does my future hold? Being single at age 44 with 2 kids, one of which has autism is not an easy thing to do. There are so many times I wanted to cave and just let him come back home for convenience sake, but I couldn't bring myself to continue to live a lie. So, I have toughed it out and hung in there, riding the storm out to see what's on the other side. For the first time in months, I think I can see the shoreline from a distance. How good it will feel to place my feet on solid ground again...put my toes in the sand, feel the warm sun on my skin. I look forward to it.

It seems at times, like life doesn't make any sense at all and we search for the reasons things went wrong. We accept our faults, learn from our mistakes and hopefully allow ourselves to heal some before moving forward. I recently made the decision that I was done wallowing in self-pity and decided it was time to move forward. SCARY, SCARY and more SCARY!! Funny this is, I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just wanted to take a few steps towards the edge of the cliff and sort of take a look down and see how high the jump was. When I got there, I see it's not so bad after all. There is serenity waiting for me down below if I would only jump. So I JUMPED! It was like free falling. Nothing but air and then as lightly as I could hope for, I landed softly on the ground below and I am still alive and still breathing and there is something hopeful on the horizon. It's just one of those small little gifts from God that are so easy to miss if you aren't tuned in for them. There is something in front of me that I can't wait to explore. The timing feels right and I am hopeful. I just want to enjoy it for what it is and not look too far into my future trying to figure out where this fits into my life. All I have to do is be in the now and be grateful for this little thing that's really BIG and try not to navigate my life. God's got that covered and already knows the map way better than I do.

Gratitude List Number 1004

2009-08-23T14:25:00.005-04:00

OK, so when you are uptight, pissed off, and tired it truly is THE BEST time to sit down and remember what you are grateful for in life. It works every time for me and always pulls me out of the nasty funk I am in at the moment. And since I am really, really uptight, pissed off and tired, this list in NECESSARY in order for me to continue further in this day. So here goes. Remember gratitude lists don't need to be profound every time you make once, just list what your are grateful for at that moment in time. :)

1) Sundays, so that I can regroup, catch up on sleep and laundry

2) my friends who are constant network of support

3) skor candy bars, I have eaten 2 this week!

4) the sun...if it ever shines again

5) school starting tomorrow, thank you God!

6) my children, how blessed I am to be their Mom

7) pottery barn catalogs, I got 4 new ones in the mail last week!!

8) flip flops, I own around 20 pairs, I can't live without mine :)

9) my jobs, without them I could pay for nothing and so many people don't even have one job, I am just grateful that I can work.

10) a good book and a hot cup of tea...where I can be somewhere else other than in MY life.

Randomness

2009-08-22T11:59:00.004-04:00

I am so glad that God created humans to be able to love, create bonds and make friendships. Because I love my friends and without them I am pretty much alone, lol!

Something is in the air, I can feel it. I feel like this could be the start of a new chapter for me. I am taking some steps to move forward and it's not as scary as I thought it would be. My friends say go ahead and JUMP! Easier said than done, but I am trying.

I love summer and I am already sad that it's coming to an end. :*(

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am. :D

All work and no play, makes LISA a dull woman. Got any suggestions?

If they say that well behaved women never make history, then I should go down in the books.

My kids absolutely crack me up. When did they become such comedienne's?

I saw the New Moon trailer this week and I am seriously STOKED to see the movie in November. I think I might just have to read NM again before the movie comes out. That makes #6. I need a 12 step program to get off Twilight. Geesh.

COOL Back to School GIVEAWAY!

2009-08-16T22:30:00.006-04:00

My friend over at Cutie Pies Custom Creations is having an awesome BTS giveaway. You gotta check it out!

Cutie Pies Custom Creations BTS Giveaway!

Summer's Over, Let's Recap

2009-08-11T22:13:00.003-04:00

Well, I tried out the "not blogging" thing and to be honest, I miss it. So apparently I still have something to say or I wouldn't be here right now making a new post. :)

So summer's over for me as I am back to work full-time at the school since Monday. My own kids do not return to school until August 24th this year so that did create a bit of a hassle for me this time around. Thank God for Ed's mom who volunteered to watch them for me until Thursday. I am not sure who is going to keep them beyond that. I'll figure it out when it gets here I guess.

So I figured now would be a great time for me to do some reflecting and recap my summer. I don't think I can complain any. Summer is my most favorite season out of the four and I had a pretty lazy summer until the past few weeks. The girls and I went spent two glorious weeks in California with Mommy in July and it was both relaxing and rejuvenating to be there. I can know without a doubt that when I go home to visit, I can kinda center myself and recharge my batteries. There is just something about that ocean air that keeps calling my name....

So aside from our trip, we have had plenty of opportunities to hang out by the pool and relax. My cousin Tracy and her family came from New York for a short visit and it was good to see my girls bonding and playing with her girls, I captured some great moments on film of the girls while they were here. I was grateful for the opportunity to share some time with my cousin as well.

My mom and Cal came to visit us too. Although their trip was cut really short after Cal injured his shoulder playing golf and thought he might need surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. So they packed up and went back home a few short days after we got back from California.

I tried unsuccessfully to find a new job over the summer. I really prayed about it and asked God to provide me with the place He wanted me to be. I sent in TONS of resume's and didn't get any bites. Competition is really fierce these days I guess. In the end, I am here at the school where I've been for the last 3 years and I hooked a weekend waitress gig at Ian's Pub to pick up the slack. I guess for now, this is exactly where God wants me to be. So I give in, the white flag is flying.

Ed and I are in the same place we were back in March, separated but in no hurry to file for divorce. He is doing his thing and I am doing mine. We are getting along fine for the girls' sake and I think we are handling it well. I am lonely and feel kinda like I have a lot of nervous energy quite often, but all in all, I am doing fine. I am slowly learning to love myself again and that's a blessing in itself right there. I am a firm believer that if we don't love ourselves, then we can't possibly love someone else. So I continue to work on Lisa and life continues to be ok. I am going to be just fine.

I have been tinkering with the notion of returning to school. I think now would be an excellent time to do so and time is going to pass anyway, so it might as well pass while I am getting an education. Thing is I can't decide what I want to do. I really wanted to finish the path I started with the Nutritional Consultant thing, but I have been thinking more and more about getting my RN or a BS in Nutritional Science, then again I think I would enjoy radiology. Decisions, decisions....

So there you have it, a short recap of the past few months. I am sort of dreading Fall. I love Prep Football and of course my Colts, but there is not too much about the next several months that gets me too excited with the exception of Christmas. The thing that I am dreading is the Holidays for my kids. I am not sure I have what it takes to get through the Season. It seems so sad that we won't be spending it together as a family this year. I can't help but doubt my decisions at times like this. But I am a tough old gal and I think I will find a way to make it memorable for my girls in spite of our situation.

So looking forward to a new school year and a fresh new batch of Freshman and hoping that God has something really good in store for me coming up.

Wondering

2009-07-28T23:53:00.004-04:00

I wonder if I were to quit blogging about autism, if I'd have anything to say? I wonder if I blogged about my sad, little, lonely life would anyone want to read that? Probably not. Although I love the people who can blog about being a mom, easy meal preparation, fancy photography, home decorating and thrifty shopping techniques....I just don't think that I am that kind of blogger. Afterall, I am not just any Lisa and not just any blogger and this is not just any blog, right?

What if I blogged about something entirely new and different? Is blogging still popular or is it losing it's edge? With the millions upon millions of blogs out there, is my blog even significant? Should I stop blogging altogether? Do I have anything interesting enough to share anymore?

These are all the questions that I think of whenever I click my saved link that leads me to my blog. Everytime I go to update it, I keep thinking that this blog has served it purpose and there is nothing left to give my followers. Maybe I have just outgrown it? Maybe there is just nothing left to say about autism that hasn't already been said by thousands of other people blogging about the exact same thing!
Unfortunately, autism is main stream now. It's everywhere you look. Some one has a sad story about the atrocities of autism and how it stole their loved one away from them. That's the bitch about this whole thing. It's just another day in paradise for those of us struggling with our 1 in 150 kids. That's a helluva lot of kids. So there are now a helluva lot of people out there with the same damn, tired old story that I have. Telling my story of autism is kinda like beating a dead horse.

SO...unless I can come up with some reason to keep this blog going, I think I am just going to give it up. I have chronicled our journey online for the past 5 yrs. Maybe it's time for me to step down off my soap box and hand the mike over to some other mom who has a child that has recently been diagnosed....let her tell you her story? I don't know...just sorta thinking out loud here. If you should happen to read this post, please leave a comment and gimme your thoughts!

Let's reflect for a minute

2009-07-01T15:13:00.005-04:00

You know, when I'm stuck and not sure which way to go, I always like to reflect on the past to see exactly how far I have come and see if that helps push me a little further down the road. Reflecting on the past is to think, ponder, or meditate on life's events that lead up to the here and now. It keeps you grounded and humble and let's you see how life always has a way of working itself out for the best.

I was thinking yesterday about Ivy and how far she has come since being diagnosed at age three with autism. I remember that day clearly, like it was yesterday. The lady said to me, "well yeah Ivy is on the autism spectrum and there is no cure for autism and here is some paperwork about autism you might wanna read, any questions?" She plopped a whole pile of paperwork in my hands and I walked out the door just numb. I wasn't sure I was going to make it across the parking lot to my car without buckling under. I remember talking to God as soon as I got in my car and saying, "please show me what to do".

The very next morning, I got on Google and typed in the words "cure for autism"...the first thing that came up was info on THE GFCF Diet and how people were bringing their kids out of autism by doing this diet. I was hopeful that this was my answer. That morning I sat and read for hours about how I could help my daughter. It was the beginning to my road map to recovery. I knew I had to save her no matter the cost. I would stop at nothing to get her better. I would leave no stones unturned. I would try everything there was to try and start from scratch if need be. I only had a small window of opportunity to pull her out of it and I was in a race against time.

Reflecting back, I was truly a mad woman. I was obsessed and addicted to healing her. It cost me a lot in the end. I am completely broke and don't have a dime to my name, I lost friendships over it, lost family connections, and even my marriage didn't survive it. But would I change a thing about the journey? HELL NO! I would do exactly the same thing all over again if it meant saving my kid. I don't regret a single moment of the hell we've lived for the last five years. Because it was all worth it to see her beautiful face light up when you walk into the room and it's worth it when she masters something new each day. It's worth it when I see her forming friendships and maturing more each year. It's worth it when I see her excel in school and become one of the top students in her class. It's worth it when I see her playing with her sister without screaming and throwing a tantrum. It's all worth it.
So no regrets here, only gratitude today.

The Roller Coaster Ride

2009-06-28T09:01:00.005-04:00

Somebody please stop this thing, because I want to get off right now. My life just keeps going up and down, back and forth, and in crazy, crazy circles. I feel like I am riding the roller coaster of life these days. One minute I am up and then I am down. I am really, really getting motion sickness I think. Time to check out and get off the ride before the whiplash does permanent damage to me.

I have been making some pretty poor decisions that are affecting me mentally and emotionally. I can't afford to take too many steps backwards here, so now is the time to stop and correct my course before I get too far off the track. Reel in and regroup. Sorry this post is so random and scattered. I am just feeling very unorganized and disheveled this morning and I needed to vent. I know that sometimes I think TOO MUCH, but this time I am pretty sure that I need to stop, look around and size up if what I am doing is healthy for me. If I am even questioning it, I will take that as an answer that indeed, I am screwing up and need to start over. Good thing the sun comes up again each and every day and that we can start it all over. I am in desperate need of a re-do right now. Keep me in your thoughts that I can focus on the big picture here and not get lost on my way. Namaste.

P.U.S.H.

2009-06-17T17:28:00.003-04:00

I love this acronymn. I am the acronym QUEEN! Anyone that knows me, knows that this is true..KWIM? LOL!! Anyway, I am sure you know this one without me even telling, but just in case you don't it stands for: Pray Until Something Happens. I used to have that hanging on my fridge where I could see it daily. I think I need to hang it back up there. I need to keep *PUSHING*. I need to keep praying. I need to keep faith that it'll all work out. When I don't pray for answers, things can get really jammed up in my life pretty darn quickly. For me, it's a work in progress. Learning to make prayer part of your daily routine is what's tricky. It's just one of those things you just have to make time for. So, I have no clue what the future holds for me, but I do know that if I just PUSH...then good things will surely follow.

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

2009-06-11T10:50:00.007-04:00

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

2009-06-05T10:02:00.005-04:00

A friend recently sent me a note and said if I wanted to get re-inspired to write, I should go back over my blog and get inspiration from that. At first thought, it sounded like an excellent idea (and it is) but after mulling over it for a week or more I decided that I am afraid to do that. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid that I won't LIKE what I see is probably more like it. It's not that I can't embrace my past, it's that I am at this crossroad in my life where I have one foot in the past and one in the future and I am paralyzed with the thought of going back. I don't want to relive those times, those heartaches, those disappointments.

Yesterday I sort of had an epiphany. I love it when I have one of those, because it usually means healing is coming close behind it. I was watching a show on TV about addiction and one parents struggle to save his son from addiction. At one point the father said, "I realized that I too, was addicted. I was addicted to saving my son". That hit me like a ton of bricks and the light bulb clicked on. I already know and accept that I have addiction problems and struggle with an addictive personality, but hearing that really drove it home for me. That is the life I have been living for the past 5 years. I was addicted to saving Ivy from the throws of autism. I was obsessed with saving her. Looking back now it's so simple to see. I traded one addiction for another. Now is the time when I could really get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of life.

There are certainly things I could of done better, like reaching out more to friends and family and not trying to be such a martyr when it came to Ivy's recovery. There are certainly things I should have done but didn't, like asking for help when I was drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow and shutting Ed out because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die some days. Then there are certainly things I would have done if I had only had the resources to do so. But I let resentments and hatred blind me and not allow for things to flow into my life that might have if I hadn't been so closed off to it. I have learned from the mistakes and I am suddenly aware that it has been an addiction for me and I also know that like all other addictions, I am going to have to let this go and turn it over to God.

Life is really going to be ok now. Ivy is healing more and more every day and that in itself is a true miracle. I guess I can't really say that I regret that I was obsessed and addicted to saving her, because ultimately, I believe it is why she is where she is today. My drive and determination is what pulled her out of the darkness and back into the light. For once I can be grateful for my addictive personality! So rather than sit here and dwell on the what-if's, I think I will just embrace my faults and the fact that the past is the past and my life is going exactly where I want it to go right now.

Gratitude List Number 997

2009-06-02T17:47:00.006-04:00

Yeah that's right, yet another gratitude list. When I get all twisted up inside, I have to make a list or I might say/do something I later regret. Amazing how much 24 hrs can change your whole outlook on life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about things....today I woke up in an awesome mood and then things went south pretty darn quick. My kids apparently had other ideas about how they felt today and boy did they ever let me know. My car decided it doesn't want to go anymore, I had an argument with my estranged and the list just keeps going. SO....because I am feeling so down about a couple of things, I decided the best remedy would be to make a gratitude list.

OK, I realize that some of these are pretty insignificant, but they are things that make me happy and that I am truly grateful for. That's all I got peeps.

TEN THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

1) for God for being my constant companion and carrying me through these hard times.

2) for my friends who are holding me up and listening to me whine and gripe about the goings on in my life. You know who you are.

3) for my kids who are the inspiration behind my motives these days.

4) for the warm sun that should be in the sky everyday as far as I am concerned.

5) for good music to carry me away from my own problems.

6) for exercise to help relieve my stress.

7) for Yoplait Whips Dulce de Leche yogurt cups...these are TDF!!

8) for Pottery Barn catalogs that I can escape to in the bath tub.

9) for my mom for all she does for me

10) for my new phone so that I can text with lightening speed now

Gaining Momentum

2009-05-31T19:21:00.006-04:00

The thought occurred to me today that things are really beginning to fall into place in my life. Amazing how that stuff all works itself out, isn't it? I was sort of reflecting over the past couple of weeks and can see how I have opened myself up to the healing process. I am always so worried about others feelings that I often forget about my own. But lately I have noticed things starting to come into my life just when they need to be there. I think I am just at a point that I am ready to accept the changes and ready for transformation. Bring it on.

Even though each new day presents itself with new adventures and some difficult challenges, I am certain that I am on the right path for the first time in a long time. Keeping it light hearted and not taking things too seriously has been the formula for success for me. Now all I need to do is keep the momentum going. :) Today, and it may just be for today only, I can honestly say that I am hopeful!

Happy Birthday Ivy!

2009-05-25T13:18:00.007-04:00

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

I feel so uninspired....

2009-05-23T16:26:00.004-04:00

I have said it before and I am going to say it again right now, I NEED A MUSE!!! I am so uninspired to write. I have the worst case of writer's block I have ever experienced. Life keeps getting in the way of my creativity. No matter how hard I try to write something, it just won't come...nothing meaningful anyway. Yup, uninspired. The days roll by and turn into a week and still nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's just me and the feeling I have that I have nothing worthy of sharing. At any rate, I am sure that at some point the words will flow from my heart again, but right now my heart is empty and black and there is nothing there to give. Hang with me, I'll be back before you know it. Have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. :)

The Yearly IEP

2009-05-18T23:31:00.002-04:00

Well, last week marked the date of another annual IEP for little miss Ivy. For the first time in years I wasn't nervous going into it. Maybe it was the fact that I have come to know and love the people most involved in her education at St. Michael's. Maybe it's the fact that she seems to soar no matter how much I worry. And then again, maybe just maybe, I am calm because I can see true healing in her and I can almost say that she is *recovered*. But shhhhhh....don't say that too loud. Recovered and IEP don't belong in the same sentence. We still want her to improve, so we still want services, so we can't say she is totally recovered now can we?

She has really excelled in Speech this year and that is in part due to an excellent Speech Therapist who has been pushing her hard to succeed this year and it shows. Been a great year for growth in that department. Next year will add some stress because in 3rd grade, they start ISTEP testing. That's a whole other ball game of stress for her. But accommodations have been made and I feel confidant that she will succeed there too. Now if we can just get the social part moving forward for her, I might even dare to call her a typical almost 8 year old. Joining Brownies this year has been a big plus and allowed her to see her peers in a social setting other than the classroom. It's been very good for her.

So all in all, I would have to say that this was an excellent IEP. No worries and I am just going to let go and let God where this is concerned. I will continue working with her over the summer and hope for the best in the fall when school resumes next year. <3

Random Thoughts

2009-05-13T21:13:00.005-04:00

Life is not all doom and gloom and challenges. I think we are meant to enjoy the journey, aren't we? Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, good thoughts come to mind. I keep a small pad of paper near the bed so I can jot down some of my better thoughts :) Anyway, usually this is the time that I come up with some of the weirdest, most random thoughts. I thought I'd share a few with you.

1) I regret not chasing my dream of being a dancer/singer/actress on Broadway when I was 18 and newly graduated. I have always, always regretted that I let my parents talk me into a more "suitable and sensible" job like the medical field. I have absolutely hated this career for the past 20 years. It's the exact reason I never finished getting my RN, because I never wanted to do this in the first place. If I had to do it all over again, I would do what Lisa wanted.

2) I have been in love a couple of times in my life. I know the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. It's not the same and no matter how hard you try, you can't force yourself to be "in love" with someone if you aren't. Period.

3) I always pictured myself doing something like being in the Peace Corps, traveling the world and going to far away places like Africa, making a difference in the world. Wish I had done that too when I was younger.

4) Motherhood has been my greatest challenge thus far in life. I am not sure if I am a good mom or not. I try to guide, not dictate...give boundaries yet open fences, encourage dreams always and I never say good night without saying "I love you" to my girls. It's the best I got right now. I am a work in progress.

5) I hope to one day share a life with someone who can appreciate my quirkiness, my love of people, my children, my love of traveling, my humanitarian efforts and my need for endless boundaries and all the little things that make up my truly unique self. Surely there is someone out there that would enjoy these qualities too, right?

6)If I befriend you, I will consider you a friend for life. That's just me. But when it comes right down to it, I often feel very alone like I have no friends at all. I wonder if that is just my perception, or if I really do alienate people when I need them most. I have a tendency to not want people to know how much I am hurting or in need.

7) I want to write a book about my journey with autism. I know I can write it, but I have no clue where to begin and I am depressed that because I have been so down about my personal life that I haven't devoted any time to it the past 3 mths.

8) I secretly wish to live anywhere, any place different than where I am right now. I feel trapped in this simple little town. I wish I had what it takes to pack up, move on and head out someplace else and start over fresh where nobody knows my name. When I day dream about living somewhere else, it always seem to be somewhere out West, or the Northwest. Something is calling me west.....but what?

9) I wish I could spend the second half of my life traveling the world over. I love to travel and I love seeing what the world has to offer me. I wish I had the funds to make this dream come true. I hear about people who just take off for a year and go. I envy them. I wish it were me.

10) Lately, I have been experiencing a rather strange phenomena. I have woken up several times at night to look at the clock and it will be 3:33 or 4:44, or I look at the clock during the day and it will be 1:11 or 11:11 or 2:22. It's been happening more and more often and it's starting to freak me out. I have decided to search the internet and see if there is some sort of significance to this. Wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something?

Ok, so there you have it...randomness straight out of my very own head. I know, I know...weird stuff....but those are the kind of things I think about when I can't sleep and I am wondering why I can't turn my mind off long enough to get some zzzz's

Happy Mother's Day :)

2009-05-10T23:19:00.002-04:00

I had an awesome Mother's Day. My girls did not let me sleep in. They came bearing cards and school made gifts early this morning. My cards were adorable and they ROCKED! We snuggled in bed and giggled for awhile and then decided we had to make a run for Bob Evans. So we went. It was delish. Glad we went. Then I took the girls to Wally World to blow some of the money that they have been saving. Jadie got some Barbie and Ivy got some kind of stuffed puppy dog. Then, we went and got Mommy a new phone with my bowling proceeds from last week. Ended up getting it for free...even better b/c of the new every two upgrade credit we had. YAY!!! I love free stuff.

The girls went back home with their Dad late this afternoon and then I downloaded some more tunes on my iPod and jammed while I exercised. Called both my moms today and wished them a Happy Mother's Day too. All in all, it was a beautiful day. Couldn't have asked for a better day in fact. I am so blessed to be a Mom. There is no better job in the world in my opinion. Just feeling so grateful to have such beautiful souls for children. Each unique in their own way. Each with their own special things to love about them. Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful, loving moms out there!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

2009-05-05T21:35:00.004-04:00

Turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes......I love that David Bowie song and I think of that song as I make the necessary changes in my life. I have to face the issues head on... turn and face the strain. But this is a good thing I think.

I feel like I am about to shed another layer of skin or like I am about to morph into a big beautiful butterfly. I have been cooped up in my cocoon for what seems like years now. I have been waiting so long to stretch my wings and fly...or flutter... or what ever it is that butterflies do. Sometimes during the healing process we have to peel back the layers to get to the real issues and once we acknowledge those issues that keep holding us back, then the healing can begin. I am looking forward to the flight.

I won't say that my life has been easy this past month. It's been a huge change for not only me, but for all of us. I know it's hardest on Ed because he is no longer with us here in our home. I feel bad for that, but feel good about the space between us. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long, long time. Sometimes change is good. :)

Butterflies are free ya know......

Verbal Barf

2009-04-29T22:01:00.008-04:00

Come on now....we've all had it at some point or another, right? And boy, oh boy did I ever just have it tonight. The result of a very long and very stressful day no doubt. I think everyone within 2 city blocks could hear these words somewhere off in the distance:

"Tharrrrrr she blows matey!!!!"

And as much as I hate to admit it, I did blow with a string of profanities that would surely curl your hair. It's just that I have people coming at me from all directions telling me what I need to do, what I should do, what I have to do and how to do it best. I got people giving me unwanted advice and people talking about my situation with other people. So, unless I ask for it, please don't offer me your sage advice. I don't wanna hear it....all it does is stress me out even more trying to make all of you happy by trying to follow your advice. I should add that I truly do appreciate it when people ask me how I am doing or how I am holding up. Knowing that you are thinking of me gives me great comfort. It's just dishing out the advice that makes me cringe.

Anyway, since I got my panties all up in a wad, I decided that the best thing to do was to come here and type. Get it out, let it out, and while I am here I am going to make a quick gratitude list. Because in all the crap, there has got to be something I am grateful for right? So here goes:

1) To God who is carrying me because I can't even walk right now.
2) To my kids for being the inspiration that keeps me moving forward
3) To my job, that I still have in this failing economy when so many people I know have lost theirs.
4) To my friends who are keeping me afloat and who listen to me whine incessantly about my misery. "Whoa is me", right?
5) To good music that "takes me away to that special place".
6) To the great weather we had last Saturday and Sunday.
7) To Twix candy bars for getting me through the afternoons when I can hardly move.
8) To Facebook for keeping me sane the past month. Thanks for the laughs!
9) To exercise which has been a great stress reliever for me.
10) To my texting buddy....you've given me a slither of hope to hang on to and reminded me that I used to be somebody once upon a time. Thank you for that :)

So there you have it. I found 10 things I could be grateful for, even tonight, and I feel better already! I encourage you to stop what you are doing right now and make a list too, it always brings you out of yourself long enough to appreciate even the smallest of things in your life. By journaling and making gratitude lists, we can eliminate stress so that we don't end up having verbal barf like I did tonight. Good Luck!

Just the three of us

2009-04-21T19:13:00.003-04:00

I am slowly but surely getting this new routine of my life down pat. I am making some huge transitions in our lives, but it's for the better. The three of us are adapting quite well in fact. Jade is helping out with dinner and dishes and Ivy is not complaining...which is the best that I can hope for. It's kind of sad, that she seems the least affected by this whole mess. It doesn't seem to bother her that Dad's not here. Not sure if that is her quiet way, or the autism that steals her emotions away from her. Hoping it's the first one. I know that this is not easy for any of us and I wouldn't wish this situation on even my worst enemy. But we are doing fine and getting through it. Nothing more really, just wanted to say that we are okay, just the three of us. <3

Writer's Block

2009-04-15T18:55:00.003-04:00

I think I am experiencing a classic case of plain old writer's block. I need a muse. Normally the words flow like honey, but with so much going on in my personal life, I just don't seem to have the inspiration to put anything good on my blog. I guess you all will have to bear with me as I wade through the mess of my life. I know without a doubt that one day the words will come easily again and I just have to patient. But in the meantime, don't expect too much.

So on another note, I was just realizing that I only have about 7 weeks of work left for the school year and then I am jobless for a couple of months. I am kind of panicked about the thought of that. I am not sure what I am going to do this summer. I have to work. There is no question about that. But with the economy in the crapper like it is, jobs are very hard to come by. So, I am on a mad search for summer work. Wish me luck with that and if you could spare a prayer for me and the girls, I would love you forever. <3

What to do , what to do?

2009-04-09T17:15:00.006-04:00

Well, I find myself at a crossroad. What to do with myself now? For so long, for so many years all I ever did was eat, sleep and breathe autism and recovery. Now that I no longer need to work so feverishly to save my daughter, now that I no longer have a husband here to argue with, what will I DO with myself?

Enjoy the one on one time with the girls, exercise a little, get a pedicure, eat right, sleep well....in other words do stuff that is going to nourish my soul. Yeah, I can do all those things but I am one of those people that must have something to really believe in, some kind of goal to strive towards. So that is why I ask myself what am I going to with Lisa now?

I think the best way to handle things is to use the KISS method (keep it simple stupid, LOL!). If I just keep it simple and take one day at a time, eventually I will find which road is the right road to travel down. In the meantime, I can enjoy the scenery and take in the sights from standing right here at this nice little crossroad I am standing at.

I wish to thank all the people who have encouraged me in the past month and who have reached out to me to offer up their experience, strength and hope with me as I walk through this difficult time in my life.

Just a quick update on the girls. They are handling this like troopers! Unbelievably well in fact which tells me I made the right move here. We are communicating daily and keeping an open attitude. They are seeing a counselor so they can talk with someone other than mom and dad. In fact, I have already noticed a change in attitude in them both. I think maybe that is my clue that just as much as my husband and I were miserable....they were miserable too. Now that the tension is gone from the house, so is the stress and so is the attitude and misbehaving. They are just doing great. I couldn't be prouder of them and their efforts. I know it's really hard on them, but I think we are going to get through this as a team, or at least I hope so.

Challenge Yourself

2009-04-03T11:33:00.005-04:00

Ever wonder how we phase from one point in our lives to the other? You know those infamous moments in time when it is the most uncomfortable...the growing pains called LIFE. I do. I wonder how I have managed to make it through some of the toughest times of my life (i.e raising a child with autism) and I have still come out "ok" on the other side. Not to say that I came out completely unscathed, because I have not. I have battle wounds and some very deep scars. I have lost some very important things along the way. But, sometimes....that is the price we have to pay. Unfortunately.

I like a challenge and life always presents us with challenge. But it's those very challenges that make us stronger individuals. Weaves the fabric of our lives....
Right now I am experiencing the most painful challenge of my life. The death of my marriage. It's been ugly and I am shameful of my behavior at times, but I know without a doubt that I have done everything possible to save it and it still wasn't enough. Sometimes....even though it's painful, we have to know when enough is enough and let go. Which is what I have done. I am letting go of the dream, letting go of the challenge and letting go of the hurt, anger and pain. It's just time.

So, this brings me to my subject of challenging oneself. I am challenging myself to rise above this and prevail. Challenging myself to keep trudging the road to a happy destiny. I was once told by a wiser person than I, that the word "trudge" means to walk with a purpose. I like to think that I do have a purpose and I am walking towards that. So I keep trudging along....challenging myself to be a better person, better mother and hopefully a better partner to the next person I might be lucky enough to share my life with. Actually I don't think the future looks so glum. I am excited about the possibilities that are out there for me. That makes me smile...just a little.

Life's Unexpected Gifts

2009-03-24T16:48:00.003-04:00

Ever wonder how, at exactly the precise moment that we need it, that something comes bursting into your life and changes the way you see things? And I mean exactly when you need it. Life's unexpected gift. And wow, was it ever unexpected. Wow is all I can say right now. God has a way of always bringing me right back around to where I need to be...every single time. So happy inside that I had to share that cryptic thought here with you. Enjoy the unexpected.

My Beloved Blog

2009-03-22T20:20:00.003-04:00

Dear little blog,

I have neglected you for the past several weeks in exchange for a quest in finding myself. I am fortunate enough to have had people behind me encouraging me every step of the way. Real people backing me and saying, "you can do it" and "you are going to be okay". Those kinds of exchanges with people are what have kept me afloat since I last posted. Even though I feel like I have been shattered into a million little pieces, I am more whole than I have been in a long, long time. No kidding.

I have nothing profound to share today, other than I miss you. I miss not being able to pour my heart out to you. I miss our closeness. I miss everything about you. I look forward to getting cozy with you again soon.

I'll be headed to the West Coast next Friday, March 27th. Long time coming. Can't wait to get away and breathe some good ocean air. Healing thoughts be with me.

Love Always,

Notjustanylisa

Finding the COURAGE

2009-02-24T17:55:00.005-05:00

I know it's been a while since I last posted and to be honest, I have just been at a loss for words. If you know me at all, then you will know that if I am at a loss for words, then I am bad off. :)

I just wanted to report that I have found the COURAGE to change the things I can. It wasn't an easy decision, but I did arrive there....finally. Now that I know what my plan is, I can work each day towards that goal. I feel a great sense of relief with that.

The girls are doing well. They were both quite sick 2 weeks ago and each of them missed 3 days of school. I believe that the sick bug has finally left our house. We are anxiously awaiting Springs arrival. It can't get here soon enough as far as I am concerned. I am going to jump start my Spring, by heading home to California over Spring Break. I am taking a much needed "Lisa Vacation"...all alone with no husband and no kids. Scandalous, I know....but SO WELL DESERVED!!!

That is all I have to say for now. I am hoping that my inspiration returns soon and I can get back to working on my book and posting regularly here. I haven't written any pages for the book for so long now. It's hard to write when you feel so uninspired to do so. Hang in there, better days are coming!

Self-pity wins again

2009-02-09T08:55:00.004-05:00

I get so mad at myself for letting the situation eat me alive. I know better. I have been here before and it's an ugly, ugly place. Last time I was here, I nearly drowned in my own self-pity. I guess the good thing this time around, is that I was able to recognize it way earlier and once you recognize & accept it, like all first steps, you can begin to change or heal it.

So the question is how did I let myself get back here? I am ashamed that I let it swallow me up. I was completely down in the bowels of self-pity and self-hatred this time. I pretty much just gave in and and said, "here take me over, because I don't have the will power to fight you anymore."

Ok, so the revelation that I have given myself over to it, yet again, has been made. Now, I just need to move forward through the muck of my daily life and get to the other side again where there is respite care waiting for me. The thing is, I already know this. I know that all I have ever had to do was call His name, and He would be there help me through. Why do I always seem to forget that when I need it most? Because I am human and I fail quite often.

My plan is to start focusing on the clutter of my life and weeding out the unnecessary. Only then can I begin to focus on the true matter at hand here. If I am not well mentally and emotionally, then someone around me is also suffering. I can think of two "someones" that can't afford to have Mommy whacked out of her gourd. I owe it to them to be better and I owe it to myself as well. When and if you read this, please stop and say a prayer for me. I need strength to do the right thing here.

I love the Serenity Prayer and I say it every single morning. It covers all my bases for a simple plan to life.

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Happy Birthday

2009-02-02T13:39:00.003-05:00

Today is my birthday. 44 years young. Last year was not the best year in my life. In fact, it was quite possibly the crappiest year I have ever had. It brought much pain and heartache with it. All wasn't bad though. I did make it to Washington DC and was part of history making and for that I will always be grateful. I am hoping with all of my heart that this year will bring much happiness to me.

I know there are huge changes just on the horizon for me, but I am not going to be sad and mope around about it. I am going to be happy, positive and move forward. I will be ok. I have friends and family that love and support me. Happy Birthday to me!

As Bob Marley says,

Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

So we got a little snow....

2009-01-31T11:19:00.003-05:00

Finally! Now I am no fan of winter. Let me repeat that: I HATE WINTER!!

But if it's going to be cold and miserable outside, then we should at least have something pretty to look at right? Up until last Tuesday, we have only had 6" total all winter. Well, not anymore. In 24 hours we had about 12" DUMPED on us. Three "no school days" later and we are just now digging our way out and back into the world.

I don't mind "no school days"....because I work at a school, so if we have a snow day, I am off work too.

Here are a couple of snow pics for your enjoyment:

Breath

2009-01-31T00:24:00.003-05:00

I have been nearly out of my mind the past month. I am stir crazy and this snow outside is bringing me down. I am thinking of warmer climates and getting away for awhile so I can breathe. I need a breath of fresh air and a change of scenery. Thinking of going home to my mom's for a visit and breathing in some of that wonderful ocean air. Always clears my head and going home always grounds me and gives me a certain peace of mind that I can't find anywhere else on earth. Nothing like Moms house, huh?

Speaking of breath, that reminds me of my favorite song by Breaking Benjamin.

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
Is it over yet, in my head?
I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.
Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

If the truth hurts....

2009-01-28T10:02:00.006-05:00

I have to admit that I feel anxious when I don't come here and write. I get all this extra pent-up anxiety when I can't release the stresses of the day. I'm a spiller. Always have been and unfortunately, I will most likely always be a spiller. I can't keep anything inside. It gets uncomfortable and I have to get it out.

Recently, I was in a position where I had to spill some information about someone I love to others. It was in this persons best interest, I promise. She is a beautiful individual, she radiates light into those around her. I have known her since the day she was born and I love her like my own family. I couldn't sit by and NOT say something. As a result, I think feelings were hurt and I feel like I am the bad guy. How did that happen? I think that at some times, we should just keep our thoughts to ourselves and let people find things out for themselves. Maybe I am TOO honest. Maybe I should stay out of other people's business. Normally I do. But this time, I felt compelled to say something and it's caused some upset and pain to someone I care about.

I have been on both side's of this fence. I knew information about someone once before and I didn't spill it right away. I thought on it overnight and how to best approach it, I did the dance with the "should I and shouldn't I's". So, this time, I thought spilling was the right thing. I spilled it immediately. I guess either way, you are screwed. You withhold, you're screwed. You tell, you're screwed. Life is so unfair sometimes. I know in my heart that this came from the right place. My question is: when is it right and when is it wrong? When do you tell the truth and when do you withhold? How do you know when the truth is too much? How do you keep a sock in your mouth and NOT say something?

I will learn from this experience. I guess from now on, it really is best to withhold initially and maybe even pray about the right thing to do. I guess projecting ourselves unnecessarily into other people's business is the wrong thing to do. I won't make this mistake again. The thing is, that normally, I don't do this. I have kept far out of everyone's lives I am close to for a very long time now. I have almost mastered it, until this latest slip. I guess this a perfect reminder of why I keep out in the first place.

Oh and by the way.....it's good to be back. I have written almost FOUR chapters on my book. I have been productive since my last post.

A lot going on....

2009-01-17T20:57:00.002-05:00

There is a LOT going on in notjustanylisa land. I am not ready to share. I won't be posting for awhile until I get my head together. Don't worry, I will be back and be posting up a storm before you know it. I just need a much needed rest and that includes my time spent on the computer. I just need to put a few things into perspective and get my priorities straight. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I sort through my life right now.

Love and thanks.

There is a BUZZ in the air

2009-01-06T10:46:00.004-05:00

I feel almost electric today. I am not sure what the deal is, but I can hardly sit still or contain myself. It's just another ordinary day in my life. I am doing the same thing today that I do every day. I have had moments of clarity like this before. I can feel another shift taking place. It's like some kind of gravitational pull is tugging me to move forward into an unknown destination. This time I feel the move will be a good move. I need to move on from the last low period and push forward to a new beginning.

I was reading another blog about New Year's resolutions and I felt just like the blogger in that I feel New Years resolutions seem really cliche' and no one ever follows through on them....but there is something to the thought of starting out fresh again in January. Something to be said of attempting to start anew. I read yesterday that January comes from the Latin word Janua, which means "doorway". January is the year’s doorway, an entrance, into a bright new beginning. I couldn't agree more. There is something to be said of starting out new each year with peace and hope in our hearts.

I decided that rather than make a New Year's resolution this year, I would make a vision board for my life. I filled it will all the things that I dream of and hope for. It felt good doing the project and I love the finished project. I am anxious to see what all you readers are doing for the New Year. Post you NY's resolutions here.

Mine are:

1) Get even more organized- this was on my list last year and I have made leaps and bounds with this area of my life and I am proud of it.

2) Spend one night a week with the electronics turned off and use it to be together as a family, like playing board games and such.

3) Quit cursing....embarrassed to admit that I cuss like a sailor when no one is around. But I know the big fella upstairs can hear me, so I'd like to refrain from foul language if I can, LOL!!

4) Work on my book, 1 chapter a month.

5) Save enough money to go to Germany next year.

So, go ahead and post below and tell me what you have on your list for 2009. Inquiring minds wanna know....

I have found Christmas!

2008-12-21T15:03:00.003-05:00

When I last posted, I was off on a journey to find Christmas because Christmas hadn't come to me yet. Last night after dinner with some girlfriends, I was thinking about the fact that I had *found* Christmas. Well, to be honest, I hadn't really *found* it at all, what I did find was that Christmas was with me all along already. :)

Then this morning I received the nicest email ever from an old school mate and neighbor of mine (yes Ken, I am outing you). It just reiterated to me that I indeed had Christmas with me all along. Thanks so much for your too kind words Ken. You'll never know when you might find yourself posted right smack dab in the middle of my blog!

So this is where I found Christmas this week. I saw it in my children's faces as they sang with joy at the annual Christmas play. I saw it in my friend Susan who sends me daily emails of encouragement and tells me how much she enjoys my journey. I saw it in my friend Beth who had a jeans day fundraiser in her office this month and donated the money to us so my girls could have Christmas- you are the best, I swear. I saw it in my mom who is always there to bail me out when I need her. I saw it in my brother who provided Ed with a side job that will more than make up for him not working the past 4 weeks. I saw it in the tender heart of my niece Alexis, who just needs someone she can rely on every day, day in and day out. I saw it in my good friends Carol and Kelly who I had dinner with last night and it reminds me that they have stood by me in good times and bad and they never judge me. I saw it in my online friends who constantly support and love me and probably know me better than my *in real life* friends because I tell them things I am too embarrassed to admit to my real friends. I saw it in my husband who despite the fact that we struggle so much, does everything he does just to please me and to extract a smile from my face or a loving acknowledgment that I see what he is doing. I saw it in our good friends the Livingston's, who set the standard for our family, in that they are a true living example of what a Christian family should be. When I grow up, I wanna be just like you guys!

So, the Christmas Spirit is with me already in all the people that I encounter every day. It's in my new friends and old friends and even in total strangers that come across this blog. If we look deep enough inside ourselves, I think we all find that the true Spirit of Christmas lies within us all....the question is, do we recognize it? Some will and some won't...and them some of us need that pointed out to us (wink, wink).

I'm not really feelin' Christmas

2008-12-14T18:36:00.004-05:00

You heard me right....just not feelin' it. I LOVE Christmas. It's my most favorite time of the year. Maybe it's the sinking economy, maybe I am depressed, but I am just having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit.

Just yesterday, I FINALLY got my tree put up and the house decorated. I can't believe how long it took me to reluctantly drag this stuff out of the attic and get it done. Now that it's up and everything is looking all festive, I am still not feeling it. It looks pretty and sparkly on the outside, but I am not feelin' it on the inside.

I also admit, that I have not bought one single thing for Christmas this year. I am finding it hard to spend money when there are bills to be paid and Ed hasn't worked in 3 weeks due to the unseasonably cold and early winter we have had dumped in our laps. Every day, I watch the news and all I hear is that everywhere, everyone is afraid to spend their money with the economy in the crapper like it is. Well, I secretly confess, I am one of those people.

So, this week, I am off on a personal journey to find the meaning of Christmas in my heart. If Christmas isn't coming to me, then I am going to have to go find Christmas and bring it home. I have a strange feeling that I won't have to look very far. I promise to report back to you and let you know of my findings.

Things I Believe In...

2008-12-08T14:09:00.006-05:00

Here are some things that I really believe.

1) I believe there is a God in Heaven and I will go there when I die.

2) I believe there is good in all bad and a little bit of bad in all good.

3) I believe that there is nothing better than the sound of my children laughing.

4) I believe there are Angels walking among us on Earth and that we encounter them everyday.

5) I believe that Ivy was sent to me to teach me patience, tolerance and love.

5) I believe that I can really help the world one person at a time.

6) I believe in the magic of Christmas and still believe in Santa Claus.

7) I believe in the power of prayer. I have witnessed it first hand.

8) I believe in laughter. It really is the best medicine when you are down.

9) I believe in love. I am still a hopeless romantic.

10) I believe in YOU. Whether you are my friend, my family or a total stranger, I believe in YOU.

Christmas Traditions- The Four Gifts

2008-12-06T09:20:00.008-05:00

We are planning on putting up the tree today. Time to drag out the 47 boxes of who knows what and make the tree look pretty. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. It's the one time of year, that I can kind of let go of all the stress in my life and enjoy the season and what it stands for.

Several years ago, we were really, really tight on money for Christmas gifts. To be blunt, there just wasn't any money and I was looking for ways to cut corners and still make the girls' Christmas special. It was during this time that I had conversations with friends that made me realize that Christmas wasn't really about the stuff. It was about being with family, setting traditions, and giving of ourselves that really mattered.

This is when I heard about The Four Gifts for the first time. It was intriguing and we decided to give it try. Since it's inception in this house, we have never looked back. My girls now know what to expect on Christmas morning and there is no disappointment involved. I hope that by doing this tradition, that my girls also learn that it's not about the stuff. Perhaps one day, they will carry this tradition into their own families.

Here is the run down of what The Four Gifts consist of:

The Gift of Warmth: this is usually a new pair of jammies, preferably Christmas themed and/or some cool and funky toes socks, or maybe a new bathrobe, blanket or cozy throw....anything to keep you warm. This gift is opened on Christmas Eve.

The Gift of Knowledge: this gift should be something one can learn from. An educational toy, book or DVD. Maybe something neat like a microscope, telescope, or a kid sized sewing machine....or it can be as simple as a book about Outer Space. Anything that gives them the gift of knowledge.

The Gift of Love: this gift is tricky as it has to be homemade. Something that YOU make and that comes from the heart. Whenever you put your heart, sweat and soul into something, it always means more. I have made throw pillows, doll clothes, fleece blankets, knitted scarves....you get the picture...as long as it is homemade, it comes from love.

The Gift of Joy: this is my favorite. This is usually something bigger and something that will bring the recipient JOY! I usually save this for last. This is the one big thing that is on their list. If you have a little money, then feel free to splurge here. Examples of years past for us were a Nintendo DS, Rose Petal Cottage, an electric scooter, a new bicycle, big huge 3 story Barbie playhouse etc. The sky is the limit where this gift is concerned. If your children are still small and still believe, then this can be left unwrapped and what comes from Santa. (wink, wink)

So I hope someone out there finds this inspirational and tries to instill this tradition in their homes this year. With the economy down in the pits the way it is, it's the perfect time to start downsizing the stuff. Try it, you just might like it. :)

My Christmas Gift to all my friends this year.....

2008-12-04T16:31:00.006-05:00

This year, I am giving away free carbon offsets for one day to all my cyber friends, since we suck up so much energy being on the computer all the time. :)

Please click the link below to claim your gift. Together we can change the world. All I ask is that you pay it forward and pass on the offsets!! Hurry because I only have 25 gifts to share.

You can't SEE Autism!

2008-11-24T09:42:00.005-05:00

I wish I could make a sign to carry around with us wherever we go out and hang it around Ivy's neck or something. I get so discouraged sometimes because people just think because she is cute, there is nothing *wrong* with her. She walks around upright and appears to be able to communicate, so she must be *ok*. Well, very often, autism can't be seen. Let me repeat that, you can't see autism, ok?

Conversation with a friend (and fellow musician to my husband) this weekend:

I tell him we are organizing a fundraiser this January and we'd like for him to play in it if he could donate his time. I then proceed to tell him about our idea to have several bands and provide entertainment for a cover charge. He looks at me and says, who is the fundraiser for? And I say Ivy...for her treatments, to help ease the burden on us. He looks at her and then says, "well she seems like she is fine to me. What's wrong with her anyway?" I have told this friend before that she has autism and I know my husband has too. I am just in awe because you can't see her physical disability, that people assume she is normal. That really irritates me. It just goes to show you how uninformed the general public is about autism.

It hurts me deeply that this guy thinks there is nothing wrong with my child. Then I felt the need to explain how she is only as good as she is because we have both cashed in our 401k's, took out a second mortgage and spent well over $150,000 in treatments, medication, supplies and special food to accommodate her special diet. We drive old beat up cars and live in a dump because we spend every extra penny we have getting her better. Why should I have to explain that to people to justify our reasons for having the fundraiser? So now it makes me feel all self conscious that maybe others will perceive Ivy in the same light and maybe people will not want to come to our fundraiser or feel like donating is stupid.

I could really let this tie me up in knots, but I am looking forward to Thanksgiving too much to let it ruin my Holiday. Take it way God, I can't handle this right now.

Two more recipes to share for Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T09:20:00.004-05:00

Easy Breezy Deviled Eggs

Boil your eggs until hard, then rinse in cold water to stop the cooking. Carefully crack and peel the eggs. The trick to getting perfect eggs is to NOT use super fresh eggs bought the day before. If you can buy your eggs about 1 week ahead of time, they come out perfect. I have heard that adding a pinch of salt to the boiling water works well too to keep the shells from sticking, but I have never tried that method.

Slice the eggs in two and dump the yolks into a mixing bowl. After you have all your yokes, beat them with a hand mixer until fine and crumbly. Add Miracle Whip and some dry mustard to the yolks, beat until smooth and to taste. I like to use LOTS of Miracle Whip. When my mixture is nice and smooth, I scrape out the entire amount into a gallon size plastic baggie and close. Snip the corner off of one ened and then pipe in the mixture into your empty eggs halves and viola! Now sprinkle lightly with paprika and you have some mighty fine looking deviled eggs that will be the hit of your Thanksgiving dinner, I promise.

Super Stuffed Celery

Wash and dry a package of celery stalks. Cut the stalks into 3's.

In a mixing bowl, cut up chunks of Velveeta cheese...about 2 cups worth. I like to cube it small, it makes for easier mixing. Then dump about a cup of Miracle Whip on top and beat with a hand mixer. It will be chunky and smooth at the same time, if it isn't then keep adding Miracle Whip until you get the above consistancy I mentioned. Next, stuff your celery with this cheese mixture and arrange on a nice plate. Sprinkle lightly with paprika and serve cold. People will love this tasty little appetizer on Thanksgiving Day! Enjoy!

Lisa's Famous Pumpkin Pie

2008-11-22T16:51:00.004-05:00

I love pumpkin pie. I could eat a whole pie myself. I swear! It's the total truth. I have done it many a times over the years. There is nothing like a slice of cold pumpkin pie drenched in Cool Whip, eaten for days after Thanksgiving is over.

Anyway, several years ago, I ran across a pumpkin pie recipe that rocks this world. I found it in Country America magazine, dated October 1991, so you know this recipe is OLD. You should see the page. It has splatters of pumpkin and who knows what else on it and it's all faded because every year, I faithfully drag my little recipe out to dutifully make my pies for Thanksgiving Day.

So, without further ado, here it is to share with you:

Lisa's Famous Pumpkin Pie

1-29 ounce can pumpkin
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/3 cup honey
1 tbsp cornstarch
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp ground ginger
dash of ground cloves
3 large eggs
1 to 2 12-oz cans evaporated milk-you may extra for the right consistency
1 tbsp melted margarine
1/2 tsp vanilla

Combine pumpkin, brown sugar, honey, cornstarch, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg, ginger and cloves in a mixing bowl. Add eggs. Beat lightly with a rotary beater or a fork.

Stir in evaporated milk and margarine; mix well. Pour into two unbaked 9" pie shells.

Cover edges with foil. Bake at 375 degrees oven for 25 minutes. Remove the foil. Bake about 25 minutes more. Cool. Cover and chill to store. Makes 2 pies.

Notes: I like to use Farmer's Market Organic pumpkin, but you can use whatever brand you like best. I also use all organic ingredients if possible. Also, you can either make your pie crusts, buy the Pillsbury roll out dough, or buy the frozen pre-made shells in the freezer section. I have made them all three that way. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Menu

2008-11-18T11:07:00.004-05:00

So, where is everyone going for Thanksgiving? I normally cook and have people to my house, but this year, I don't think we will have any company. It looks like it's just going to be the four of us. It doesn't matter. I will still knock myself out to provide a fantabulous meal for my little family. I want to create memories, so that my children will undertand the importance of families being together and traditions and Thankfulness.

Jade is already excited about which cooking projects she will be helping me with this year. I think she wants to take on the pumpkin & apple pies Wednesday night before and she has already called deviled eggs. She loves to get in the kitchen as much as I do. She gets in honestly. :)

So, here is my menu:

Turkey Breast (with just 4 of us, I decided a turkey was too much and no one likes dark meat in my house, so....)
Homemade stuffing (none of the boxed stuff)
Homemade Noodles
Mashed Potatoes
Fresh Corn (from the local orchard)
Stuffed Celery Deviled Eggs
Homemade Yeast Rolls
Pumpkin Pies
Apple Caramel Crisp Pie

Later this week, I will post all my secret recipes for my stuff. LOL!! :)

ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE

2008-11-16T14:55:00.005-05:00

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it reminds me that I should remember the things and people that I am grateful for. One thing I have learned over time is to try to walk through life with an attitude of gratitude. I am going to make my gratitude list and I encourage you to do the same. All you lurkers, now is the time to join blogger so you can share your lists too. I look forward to reading what YOU are grateful for this Thanksgiving Holiday.

Top 10 Things I am Grateful for:

1) God who is everything to me, without Him I am nothing.

2) My husband Ed, who I don't deserve most days

3) For Jade, my angel

4) For Ivy, my little yellow canary

5) For friends and family that are always there to encourage me

6) For my job that provides us with insurance

7) For the sound of my girls giggling together and getting along

8) For the sunshine and all that it does for my mind, body and soul

9) For a good book, that I can dive into and escape to another place and time

10) For my online community that I adore and have the privilege of *knowing*

BEING CRABBY

2008-11-14T08:58:00.004-05:00

You would think after all this time, I would be AWARE enough to recognize the obvious. For the past 14 years, I have not liked November so well. Just too mindful of events I want to forget. My Dad's birthday was the 7th and the anniversary of his death is today. I miss him. Totally. I haven't had a Thanksgiving or Christmas with my entire family together since 1993. It's depressing to say the least. This year instead of succumbing to the misery, I will attack it head on. I plan to go to the cemetery today (which I have not done in years), have a talk with my Dad, go grab my fave Chinese carry out (pork lo mien and general chicken WITH chopsticks), grab a movie and head over to my friend Joe's house tonight and hang out with him. He always makes me laugh. Just what the doctor ordered for curing the blues and crabbiness.

A Short Story About Healing

2008-11-13T08:19:00.008-05:00

I could hardly wait to get to my blog today. I have a story I want to share. Last night, I believe I had one of those "ah-ha" moments of clarity and I want to put it in writing. For months now I have been praying a short and simple prayer to God, "please heal me because I am broken". It occurred to me last night that maybe, just maybe I am already healed. Kind of a weird way to put it. How can one be healed and not know it? Well, for me...maybe because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice that I am, could be the answer. Now for the story. Sit back, relax, grab a cup of coffee, it's going to be a long one.

Growing up, I was forced to listen to the likes of Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Loretta Lynn, Charlie Rich, George Jones, etc. My Dad always had the stereo blaring with one of those great country legends on Saturday mornings. As a young girl, I DID NOT appreciate being forced to listen to music I'd rather not. Growing up in the 70's, I also had influence from my older siblings that turned me on to The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Nielson, Pink Floyd and the likes. NOW THAT was music!! That kind of music made my heart sing. To this day, I love rock-n-roll....even the heavy metal stuff. I love how it speaks to my soul and rocks me like a baby. That is my music of choice.

Over the years, I have developed a love for other kinds of music like disco, the blues, jazz and even rap. To me, there is always a song being sung somewhere that can describe a person's mood at any given time. I love how I connect to music of all types. Somewhere in the late 80's, country music sort of took off like a rocket and suddenly it was almost cool to be country. I was living in California at the time and I was making a weekly trip from LA to Bakersfield to see my sweetie at the time. I remember my Mom making me a couple of tapes to listen to on the way up in my old '66 Mustang. She told me that music was not all about Guns-n-Roses and Bon Jovi...that I needed to experience some good 'ole country music too. The two tapes she made me where KT Oslin and George Straight. From the minute I put George into my tape deck, I fell in love with his music. I wore that tape out. There is nothing like listening to the sweet melody of a George Straight song. I bet you can guess that lead me to my love of country music for the next several years. I mean I was crazy in love with country music. I had all the CD's, knew who was hot and who was not, learned to 2-step and wore my Wranglers and Ropers and was a country girl at heart. I never gave up my rock-n-roll roots, but it did take a back seat for a while while I was having my love affair with country music.

Then one night, I meet the man I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He seemed to complete me and he loved country music too. So we often listened to the music together and would swap CD's and keep each other up to date on who was our faves for the moment. We spent 4 years together. I thought it was a match made in Heaven. I had never been in love so much before. I was absolutely head over crazy heels in love with this guy. I loved his family, they loved me. It was really, really perfect. He told me often I was beautiful and that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He called me daily at work, just to say "I love you" and often would surprise me with flowers at work for no reason. I thought life couldn't get any better. This man was for me. I knew that God had sent him to me and that we were going to live happily ever after. .

On February 2, 1995, he surprised me with a beautiful birthday dinner and a lovely gift. Could this guy get any better I remember thinking. Then, out of nowhere, he calmly explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me and that we were not going to be getting married after all and he didn't want to see me anymore. I was devastated. I was crushed. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die, it hurt so bad. I couldn't understand the sudden change of heart. When I told people he broke up with me, they thought I was joking. His family and our friends tried to talk to him and all he would say, was she deserves someone better than me. WTH???? What does THAT mean? I deserved someone better? It left me hurt, angry and confused. All I wanted to do was wake-up from my nightmare. I would sit for hours and stare into nothing and I ached like nothing before. I wanted to just die. Consequently, at that moment, I could not bring myself to listen to country music. It became like fingernails down a chalkboard to me. It made my stomach turn to listen to it and I instantly hated it.

Enter the new sounds coming from out of Seattle like Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Nirvana and Pearl Jam. That music sang to me like no other music ever had. It was deep, dark, hypnotic and mysterious and all about PAIN. I clung to it like a wet blanket. It eased my pain, if only temporary. Yes, I sure had a new love, and it's name was Seattle Grunge. I soaked myself in the grunge scene, because I had some pain buddy. I had pain to share and I had pain to give back to it. Pain was all I knew. I was forcing myself to get up and move everyday and work for money to pay the bills. By night, I would smoke and drink and ease the pain to the tune of Down in a Hole and I would marvel at just how much I felt like the lyrics that Layne Staley was belting out to me. I had a HOLE as big as the Grand Canyon inside of me and I needed to fill it with something. I filled it with cigarettes, booze and sex. Not proud of that fact, but it's who I was at the time. I just wanted to ease the pain, if only temporary. I knew one thing and that was that I HATED country music. It was a lie and I no longer believed the promise that it offered. I decided somewhere in the summer of 1995 that I would never, ever listen to country music again because it reminded me of HIM.

From 1995 up until last night, I have kept that promise. Country music has been hated by me (I can really hold a grudge when I want to) and I have been faithful to my promise to myself, that I hate country music. Country music has had nothing to offer me. I refused to even let it into my heart, so why bother. Over the years I have heard songs here and there that I was able to give credit to where it was due and acknowledge that country music stars are talented and they deserve recognition. But that kind of music was for the other people in the world, not people like me, in pain. I really believed that with all my heart. As you know the story, I met and fell in love with Ed and I moved on from the pain somewhat, but never letting Ed get too close to me. Even after 12 years together, I have never really ever let him into my heart all the way, it's too risky. It was so much easier loving him from afar I thought. No chance of being hurt again. Probably not the best way to live ones life I guess. Totally not fair to Ed as well.

Last night, while flipping through the channels looking for something to watch, I came across the CMA's. I decided to watch for awhile at Ivy's request. So we snuggled up and began watching and guess who performed right after we settled in? You can probably guess that it was George Straight. I remember thinking after he was done, "wow, that man still has it after all these years". But then as quickly as that thought came out, my next was "well that was just a fluke, then next song will suck". But I kept watching and while I didn't get much out of Kelli Pickler and Taylor Swift's new age country performances, I was thoroughly entranced with Alan Jackson, Brad Paisley, Trace Adkins, Brooks and Dunn, Reba, Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban. I found myself still watching long after Ivy had succumbed to sleep. I remember asking myself, "why are you STILL watching this stupid show Lisa??? You don't even LIKE country music, r-e-m-e-m-b-e-r???". But I kept on watching and then Carrie Underwood came out and sang this beautiful and very powerful song about loss and the flood gates opened when I heard her belt out one line that said, "I could hardly breathe.....this can't be happening to me" and all of a sudden for the first time in 13 years, I connected to it. It was like electricity running through my body. I was alive and at that very moment, it occurred to me that my heart was actually healed because I had let country music back into and it felt so right. I knew in an instant that my prayers had been answered. My simple, little prayer: please heal me because I am broke. God knows that I am too inattentive to hear him speak to me softly. He has to speak to me with ways that I can connect to and for me last night, it was through music that I love so much and connect to so well....even if it was "country" music in the end. What a day to be thankful for. The hard part is now moving forward with the knowledge that I am healed and I now need to move on. I am sure it won't be easy, but I love that I have finished with what seemed to be an excruciatingly painful growth process here. Move forward, keep breathing, move forward, keep breathing......

God's Amazing Grace

2008-11-10T22:40:00.004-05:00

I sometimes go back through my older blog posts and re-read what I have written and I like to measure my progress. I use it as sort of a checks and balance type thing. I like to see if I am moving forward as I know God wants me to, or if I am going backwards and wallowing in the muck of self-pity. Can I just say wow? What a roller coaster ride the past year has been. There have been some really high, highs and then have been some really low, lows as well. I am so glad that I can just surrender my heart and all that it holds to God when it seems that I cannot bear another minute inside my own skin.

One post in particular really shouted out to me and I just want to clarify that Ed & I do not HATE each other. While we do, have and are currently experiencing marital difficulties, we are not disrespectful to one another. We remain friends. We do argue, like all couple do, we just argue more often these days due to the stress of autism. But we can still laugh together and I guess that would be a good thing. Second, my kids do not hate me and they don't hate each other...it just SEEMS that way some days...especially on a day when Ivy has had too many dietary infractions and is on sensory overload. She can be demanding and overwhelming to deal with. It's those days that nearly break me. But it's those days that I have forgotten the most important thing I have ever learned about God. I forgot to turn it over to Him, so that he could grant me peace and that I could know that by HIS grace, I am not bearing this burden alone and that I am forgiven. Seems pretty simple as I read back through some of the painful posts now. Wonder why I never saw that at the time? Some one please point that out to me next time I post a pity party post (aka PPP) will ya???

Lisa's Hamburger Soup

2008-11-05T19:53:00.003-05:00

This is THE BEST soup ever for this time of year. I highly recommend whipping up a couple of boxes of Jiffy Cornbread Mix to go along with it. This tastes even better the day after. I guarantee you can't eat just one bowl, so enjoy!!

Hamburger Soup

1 lb ground sirloin (or chuck)
5 c water
1-16 oz can diced tomatoes
1 c chopped onion
1 c sliced carrots (like coins)
1 c chopped celery
1/3 c pearl barley
1/2 c ketchup
1-2 tbsp beef bouillon granules
2 tsp seasoned salt
1 tsp dried basil, crushed
1 whole bay leaf (removed later)
salt & pepper to taste

In a large pot or dutch oven, brown the beef, drain off the fat. Add the water, tomatoes, onion, carrots, celery, barley, ketchup, bouillon, seasoned salt, basil and bay leaf. Bring to boil;reduce heat and simmer, covered for 1 hour or until carrots are tender. Season with salt & pepper to taste, remove bay leaf. Makes 10 cups. Freezes well in 1 cup or 1 pint portions.

FALLING in love with FALL

2008-11-03T10:29:00.005-05:00

I love Fall. I love that we are having a beautiful Indian Summer here in Indiana. The forecast for Halloween was wonderful. We trick-or-treated in the nice cool, crisp early evening air. Not too cold, just right. No need for winter jackets underneath their costumes either, LOL.

Fall means pulling out your sweaters and making pots of chili and veggie soup. I love the leaves changing colors on the trees in my yard. I hate raking them however...who likes raking leaves??? It means you start thinking about Christmas and what's on your list for Santa. It means clearing out the clutter before the holidays. Yes, I love Fall. I forgot how much I love Fall.

I think I'll pull out an old sweater, curl up with a good book, light my pumpkin spice candle, make a pot of Hamburger Soup and let Fall hang around this year.
Tomorrow I will post my recipe for Hamburger Soup. :)

Jade puts things into perspective for me...

2008-10-31T13:52:00.007-04:00

Yeah, a NINE year old had to bring me to my knees today. Earlier, I posted an angry post about some social snobs I know. I decided to delete it after Jade made a simple statement to me that brought me to my knees. It made me so proud of her at that very moment, I wanted to cry. So when I think I am the worst mom in the world some days, I can know that I must be doing something right. My nine year old just put into perspective for me something I couldn't.

I was ranting about certain people from our little school and how they look down on people like "us" because we are different compared to them. I made the choice to send my kids to a private school and they sometimes suffer for that. We have placed them amongst some very well off families. Some of those families are as nice and down to earth as you could ever want. We have met some really wonderful, loving people there. Some of them however, want you to KNOW just how much money they have and they want you to KNOW that you are less then they are. They want you to KNOW that you don't belong among them.

So, I am sitting here talking with Jade and asked her what she thought about pulling out of our little private school and attending public school next year. And then we talked about why she never has play dates and invites and this is what she said to me:

"Mom, I would die if you take me out of that school. I love that school and I love the teachers and I love that I get to learn about God there. I can't do that in public schools...and Mom, who cares if I don't have play dates and invites? It really doesn't matter to me anyway. If they don't like me then, oh well."

That's right Jade. You got it right baby. You go girl!!!

An Idea is Born.....

2008-10-29T14:00:00.003-04:00

When we were getting prepared to travel to Washington DC for the Green Our Vaccines Rally, we were asking ourselves, how would we get there and many people pitched in and got us there. It's amazing to see God work through others to do what we couldn't do for ourselves.

That is when the idea of a fundraiser was born. We have a fundraiser in the works for Ivy. The proceeds will go DIRECTLY towards some new and promising treatments that are now available. I am no longer going to dwell on the fact that we could have built and paid for an entire house and probably a couple of cars as well with the money we have used to recover her. When I wonder why I am still living in my dump of a house and why I am still driving a van from 1997, I only have to look as far as Ivy's bedroom door to know that it was all worth it to save her. The problem we face now, is that we are just plain tired and can hardly keep afloat. We are now going to put our Trust in God that He is going to provide us with the funds to keep getting Ivy better. One day we can look back and say she USED to have autism, but she is now HEALED from it.

So, we are working on the fundraiser and leaping in faith that this will provide enough to get us started on the homeopathy and some other new treatments like HBOT. I will keep you informed on the progress. For right now, I can tell you there will be lots of music involved. Some of our friends that play in bands have stepped forward to play for free and there will most likely be food involved and you will buy a ticket to get in and there will be raffles and 50/50 tickets to be sold as well.

Now all I have to do is get some cool prizes for the raffle donated and work out the food details and we are in business. The event will be held sometimes in January '09. Wish us luck!!

T is for.........

2008-10-28T13:37:00.005-04:00

TIME: this is something I never seem to have enough of. I mean literally...after the diagnosis of autism, time became a precious commodity in my life. I never, ever have enough TIME. Autism is a robber of TIME. Somedays, I just wish I could hang out with Jade and give her my full, 100% undivided attention and not feel guilty that someone else is not getting a piece of me too. But that NEVER happens when you have lost your TIME.

THANKFULNESS: I am so thankful for the friends and family that continue to rally around us even when we are so obviously failing you as a son, daughter, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or friend. Please know that we always have you all in our hearts and it's your love that carries us through one more day when we are at our worst and want to totally give up.

THERAPY: All families that have kids with an autism diagnosis should be offered FREE therapy. I have never been a therapy kind of person. But man, could I ever use some about right now. I am pretty much at the end of my rope most days and my marriage is failing miserably as well. I just read that the divorce rates in autism families is 8out of 10 ending in divorce. That's is pretty darn high and I completely understand where that number comes from. Sometimes I feel like adding to the number to make it 9out of ten.

TREATMENTS: There are so many new and promising TREATMENTS out there to treat ASD kids....problem is, no one can afford them unless they mortgage off their homes, cash in their 401K's, sell their kidney on eBay or beg, borrow and steal in order to pay for it. I have no money left to pay for anything. I worry that Ivy's window of opportunity is slowly closing and this is as good as it gets for her. How do I convince the window to stay open a little longer for me until I figure something out? I imagine me talking to the window like this "Hello, window? It's me Lisa. Please stay open long enough for me to figure out how to handle this money crisis, ok?"

TEACHING: Every day I am alive and lucky enough to be Ivy's mom, I learn something new from her. She is a TEACHER. She is TEACHING me patience, tolerance and unconditional love. She is TEACHING me to love myself even when I can't or don't want to. She is TEACHING the world that our Earth has become toxic and we are getting sick as a people and we need to clean our planet up and remove the toxins so our kids can become healthy once again. She is TEACHING her peers to have empathy and tolerance for special needs kids. She is TEACHING her sister that even though she is hard to love, its ok to love her from afar, and Jade does a wonderful job at that.

THE END: I have decided to end the autism alphabet early. I no longer want to focus on the negative aspects of autism which is what the autism alphabet has allowed me to do. It was therapeutic and good while it lasted, but I only want to focus on the positive from here on out.

S is for SORRY

2008-09-23T21:11:00.003-04:00

The good thing is that we can always say the words, "I'm sorry" and start over again right? When things go south and everything seems wrong and all inside out, we can just hit the restart button by issuing a simple, "I'm sorry".

I had some sorry's to say yesterday and I feel better today because of it. There are many "I'm sorry's" said in this household....unfortunately. It goes with the territory of screaming meltdowns....and tempoer tantrums by both children and adults.

I am happy to report that we have started a new chore chart/reward chart thingy with the girls which is moving along so smoothly that there are just not enough o's in the word smooooth to describe it! Loving it so far and the girls really, really dig it.

Peace to all of you reading and let me just say that I am sorry for my last depressing post. I will try to keep up a more positive vibe if I can. Thanks to the love I received from my friends. I love you right back!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

R is for REALITY

2008-09-21T11:19:00.004-04:00

The reality of autism, is that is just plain sucks. My life sucks. Our family life sucks. Autism sucks the life out of everything. I suck because of autism. I suck as a mom and wife. I suck as a daughter and a sister, a friend. I have nothing left to give to anyone...nothing.

This morning, I had a melt down and I ran away. I ended up in the Wal*Mart parking lot, alone and crying and shaking with the very sad realization that I have no one to turn to because of autism. I couldn't quite put my finger on it as to when or how it happened, but it has. I wanted so badly to reach out to someone and tell them I was hurting and yet I couldn't think of anyone to call. Who wants to listen to me whine and complain that my life isn't fair and I want a recount?

I mean I do have some family and do have friendships. But the sad truth is....is that I am so alienated from everyone because of autism. I have no one that I could pick up the phone and say I am hurting and they would know my pain. I don't let anyone in anymore. I have estranged myself from both my mom and my step-mom out of anger. I need them and they are off doing their own things right now. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom ya know? Both my dad and my step dad passed away years ago. I do have 2 brothers that have their own lives and their own set of problems and I don't feel that we are connected enough to me for either one of them to notice that I am drowning over here. I do have some friends that I once considered great friends, but I am so far away from them now too. I just feel different from everyone else and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. I feel so alone and on the outside looking in to all of their lives. I feel different.

I hate that my home is so discontent. I hate arguing with my husband every day...day in and day out. I hate the yelling and screaming and fighting and kicking and hitting and the door slamming that goes on every day inside my home with Ivy and now Jade too... it's loud and it's inside my head....inside my heart. I hate that we are falling apart more and more each day and that I can't fix it anymore. I hate that we spend so much money to make Ivy better and everything and everyone else suffers because of it. I hate that there is never enough money at the end of every month to pay the bills or for the extra fun stuff that you sometimes need to treat yourself to. I hate that month after month, I am robbing Peter to pay Paul and I am tired of being the juggler in the circus of my life. I hate my life. I hate that I can't say no to things I know I have no time for. I hate the stress. I hate it all.

The REALITY is, that a family with autism is not pretty. The REALITY is, that I want to run away and never come back some days (like today). The REALITY is, that no matter how much I pray for it, how much I wish for it, how much I try to do it differently...nothing will ever change the fact that AUTISM stole my child from me and then slowly like a cancer, it spread it's ugly ass disease into everyone else's life in this family until we all hate each other now. I know my husband hates me. I know my kids hate me. My kids hate each other too. It's just a big, fat, ugly vicious circle spewing out it's vile, nasty disease....never ending, always coming. It keeps on going until it has affected all of us and the stress is so bad and never ending that it shatters everything you had ever hoped for, it rips all your dreams apart and then mocks you and it keeps knocking you back down and hanging on like some weed...choking the life out of you. It grows on still hungry, still searching for more life to take from you until you have nothing left to give to anyone, even yourself.

That is the REALITY of my life. Pretty ain't it?

Q is for QUITTING

2008-09-15T11:07:00.004-04:00

Which is what I have felt like doing sooooooo many times since we got Ivy's diagnosis 4 years ago. Sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, down in your hole and just...QUIT. But every time I think about QUITTING, I hear that old saying play in my head..."winners never QUIT and QUITTERS never win". I have no idea where I heard that from growing up, but it has always, always stuck with me. So, therefore, I cannot allow myself to QUIT. I just have to breathe and move on.

I feel so sad for parents with children of autism. Most of them carry on a good front in public, but behind closed doors, they weep and they wonder how they make it through. Don't get me wrong, we parents of ASD kids DO NOT feel sorry for ourselves. We just feel like no matter what, it's never enough. It spills over in every area of your life. It's never enough for your ASD child, it's never enough for your neurotypical children, it's never enough for your husband, it's never enough for your family, it's never enough for your friends, it's never enough for yourself...EVER! It's the very thing that makes one want to QUIT.

Usually the thing that pulls me out of my hole, the thing that makes me want to keep on keeping on, is that fact that my child IS recovering. So, all the therapy, all the time spent waiting in Dr's' office's, all the dietary intervention, all the nutritional supplementing, all the the hoping, all the praying really does help. It allows me to continue forward and not QUIT. I suppose as long as there is breath left in me, I will never QUIT, never give up. I encourage all parents of ASD kids to never give up, never QUIT. No matter how bad it gets, there is always tomorrow, always another day to try again. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that you find just thing that will make your child betterand if you QUIT, then you will never know that. So, keep your head up, stay out of your hole and believe that your child is already healed!

Laughter really is the best medicine

2008-09-06T12:18:00.004-04:00

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried...or you felt like your sides were going to split? For me, it was LAST NIGHT. I met with a group of friends and we had some free entertainment last night. We literally laughed until we cried and was near to getting thrown out of O'Charley's I think. You can't take us anywhere, can you?

Well, I just wanted to write and tell you that if you haven't laughed lately, that maybe, just maybe, you need to do some of that and real soon!! I suggest an evening out with some very humorous people, but renting a good comedy would do too. Just do something that would make you laugh. You will feel better afterwards, I promise!

Today, life just doesn't seem so serious, so negative, so bogged down. It feels light and airy and I may just not do a dang thing the rest of the day other than post this new entry to my blog. :p

Here's to laughter...

Say it isn't so....

2008-08-30T13:42:00.010-04:00

Summer can't be over already can it? I could just cry!!! I live for the summertime and the warm sunny days of summer vaction. Summer break wasn't so sunny for me this time around though.

Went to DC and then got back and had a little bit of a nervous break down I guess. Wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself anymore. Should I stay married, keep working, move away, go back to college? All life changing and thought consuming thoughts for sure. The stress I have experienced this summer I do not wish even on my worst enemy by the way. It nearly broke my spirit. I have never been so low as I was the past few months. All the while planning a 25 yr class reunion, remodeling my home, getting ready for a visit from my mom and from friends from across the ocean in Germany, getting back to school supplies together and uniforms purchased, going back to work myself, etc. It was enough to break you right in two. I ended up in bed after 2 continuous months of doing nothing but going and going and going some more. That is how it always ends for me...sick in bed with recurrent mono type symptoms.

I had a visit from an angel though through the midst of it all. My dear friend Roswitha came to stay with me from Germany and seeing her, being with her, talking with her reminded me that once upon a time, I used to be someone. Someone other than Ed's wife or Jade and Ivy's mom. I was a someone that had hopes and dreams and traveled the world and lived life to the fullest. Where had that girl gone to I wonder as we sat one night on my patio listening to the hum of the chicada's in the trees outback? Where was she? Why could Roswitha see me, but I couldn't see myself in my own mirror? She gave me some good advice and that was to spend time with Lisa once a week and get to know myself again and to reflect on the things I want most out of life. I can see now that she is right. I have been depriving myself of a good life trying to save Ivy's. If I am not well, both mentally and spiritually, then how can I be of any good to my girls or my husband?

Autism is never going to go away in my house. It's here to stay like a big fat, red underground ZIT on your chin. You can cover it up with make-up, but you know it's still there and even though people don't say anything, THEY know it's there as well. So, the question is...how do you get around it since you know you have to just live with it? How do I find the balance in my life, in my marriage? In my time spent with the girls? How do I continue to love someone I am not sure if I can even stand some days? I have no clue really. I just keep trudging along and hoping that somehow, someway I will get it right for once. I keep praying for God to save me and that is all I can hope for in the end. I pray for saving grace.

I found that while speaking with my dear friend, the dark clouds began to dissipate and the sun came out again. We talked about the importance of eating a healthy diet, choosing the right foods, drinking lots of water, getting some exercise daily, etc. Things I already know...but somehow have gotten so far away from. I practiced her principals while she was here and by the end of her visit, not only was my spirit renewed, but I was a miraculous 9 pounds lighter too. I plan to keep up the work I have started and will see where I am this time next year. I am not dieting, but I am making life changes for myself instead.

I start school in about a month and can't wait to get back in the saddle again. By summer, I will be making plans to set up my nutrition consulting business. Things are really looking up indeed. I plan to travel ALONE to Germany next summer for a couple-three weeks. You heard me right, I am going ALONE. No husband, no children. It will be just the thing I need to jump start my new career. I am going to embark on a journey to find myself while I am over there too. We will see if I left her somewhere across the ocean, or if she has been with me all along after all.

Here are some pics of our summer happenings:

P is for POLITICS

2008-08-30T13:23:00.005-04:00

And there has never been a more important election when it comes to making change. We said it Washington DC....A Change Is Gonna Come....so here are the candidates views on autism.

Barack Obama:

http://www.barackobama.com/issues/disabilities/
http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/AutismSpectrumDisorders.pdf

Supporting Americans Living with Autism Spectrum Disorders: More than one million Americans live with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD), a complex neurobiological condition that has a range of impacts on thinking, feeling, language, and the ability to relate to others. As diagnostic criteria broaden and awareness increases, more cases of ASD have been recognized across the country. Barack Obama believes we need to research treatments and search for the causes of ASD. He has been a strong supporter of more than $1 billion in federal funding for ASD research on the root causes and treatments. Obama believes we must work to guarantee that Americans with ASD can live independent and fully productive lives and to assure that their families understand and are able to support a loved one with ASD. Obama will fully fund the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act to ensure that no child with ASD or any other disability is left behind. Obama will also fight to assure that the government and our communities work together to provide a helping hand to people with ASD and their families.

Obama has a long record supporting people with ASD. In the state senate, Obama sponsored legislation that became law to create the ASD Program - a systems development initiative designed to promote the implementation of evidence-based practices. And in the U.S. Senate, Obama is also a cosponsor of a measure that would expand federal funding for life-long services for people with ASD, authorizing approximately $350 million in new federal funding for key programs related to treatments, interventions and services for both children and adults with ASD.

JOhn McCain:

“It’s indisputable that autism is on the rise among children,” Senator John McCain said while campaigning recently in Texas. “The question is, What’s causing it? And we go back and forth, and there’s strong evidence that indicates that it’s got to do with a preservative in vaccines.”

Combating Autism in America.
John McCain is very concerned about the rising incidence of autism among America's children and has continually supported research into its causes and treatment. He has heard countless stories about families' hardships obtaining a diagnosis for their children's autism and accessing quality medical treatment. He believes that federal research efforts should support broad approaches to understanding the factors that may play a role in the incidence of autism, including factors in our environment, for both prevention and treatment purposes.

John McCain was proud to lend his support to the Combating Autism Act of 2006, which he cosponsored, and worked to ensure its enactment. This law is helping to increase public awareness and screening of autism spectrum disorder, promote the use of evidence-based interventions, and create autism Centers of Excellence for Autism Spectrum Disorder Research and Epidemiology. John McCain understands that despite the federal and scientific research efforts to date, the exact causes of autism are not yet known and greater research is needed to understand this disorder. That is why in November 2007, he joined with Senator Lieberman in requesting the leadership of the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee, which has jurisdiction over federal research into autism, to hold a hearing on federal research efforts regarding factors affecting incidence and treatment in order to help determine where research efforts can best be directed. As President, John McCain will work to advance federal research into autism, promote early screening, and identify better treatment options, while providing support for children with autism so that they may reach their full potential.

As a parent,the hard part is trying to determine who is sincere and who is simply playing the autism card. Who is serious and who is really just a puppet on a string for big pharma? Who has the most ties to big pharma and who doesn't give a rats ass about my child or the 1 in 150 kids now suffering from autism in America? Who will save our children? Probably neither candidate would be my guess.

Stayed tuned for more digging up bones...and see the highlights of my summer next post.

O is for OPEN

2008-08-28T14:02:00.003-04:00

As in wide OPEN spaces......being OPEN minded, one door closing and another one being left OPEN, or even OPEN like a book, kind of OPEN. I think my writer's block is over. I am OPEN and back in the saddle again. I have so much to say, but not right now.

I have had a lot to ponder this past month, but not a lot of time to myself. I have some good things happening and some not so good things happening. Can't wait to share them with you. Looking forward to hearing from you all. Thanks for all your well wishes while I was taking a small hiatus. Feels good to be back.

OH and one last thing...I am OPEN for comments too!

N is for NOTHING

2008-07-31T11:12:00.003-04:00

Which is pretty much what I feel right now. NOTHING. I have had nothing to inspire me to do any blogging what-so-ever. I have such a flurry of activity going on in my personal life right now that it leaves no time for writing. Once a few of these events pass and I have time to do simple things like oh, breathe and sleep, I know that my writer's block will pass. I have received several emails asking why I haven't updated for so long, so here is the reason why. Just too much going on to give of myself so personally right now. I guess now would be a good time to check my archives and read the old stuff. I am putting myself on re-runs for right now and I'll be back before you know it and giving you the good stuff like normal. Thanks for all the love you have sent me!!

Otis K. took a ride to the Kingdom of Heaven yesterday

2008-07-20T16:29:00.005-04:00

Yep, it's true, he did. My grandpa, Otis K. Randel(aka Kenny) quietly left this Earth yesterday at age 96. I am so sad because I know I will never see his smiling face again, but I am so happy that he and my grandma are FINALLY reunited after a year and a half. They are together and they are home. I am just so happy for them both. I tried to picture in my head what it must have felt like for him as he was leaving us all behind. Would he see a bright, white light? Would the faces of those left before him be there to greet him? I'd like to think that he experienced them both. How lucky for him. I am jealous...just a little bit.

I am so fortunate that I had my grandparents as long as did. It's not too often that you can say you were fortunate enough to spend 41 & 43 years with them. I think my Grandpa was ready the day after my Grandma died...but he was a man of faith and he understood that God would bring him home when it was his time. Well, yesterday it was his day and it was a glorius, hot, sunny, summer day. What more could you ask for?

I should have known it was coming. My grandma had been dropping pennies all over the place the last 2 weeks. I knew she was trying to tell me something, but I thought maybe she was just saying, I am here, I see you instead. I mean I knew he was going to die. My grandma visited me in a dream not too long ago. One of those: in color, so vivid you never forget kind of dreams. She hugged me and said, "give your mom a message for me, it's important". I said "ok". Then she very clearly said, "tell your mom to treat her father with love and compassion...the way he has always treated her, because he isn't going to be here much longer, because I am taking him home with me". I said, "but wait....." and as fast as she came into my dream, off she went in a flurry as my alarm clock sounded in my ear next to me. I sat straight up in bed and thought "WHOA!!" But I quickly blew it off....that is until the very next day my mom called me and says your Grandpa is in the hospital. So, I tell my mom about the dream and she tells me that just the night before, Grandpa tells her that a woman was shaking him by the shoulder and woke him up in the middle of the night and he thought is was my grandma. So, it was coming, I knew it. Only you are never prepared for it once it comes.

I will miss you Grandpa...as much as I miss Grandma, but I am so glad you are together again in God's world. See you on the other side one day.

M is for MONEY

2008-07-16T13:25:00.003-04:00

...or lack of it. Not only does autism rob you of your very own child, it also sneaks into your savings account and drains you financially. Most of the therapies for treating autism are not covered by insurance or have limited benefits that quickly become exhausted. They will tell you that early intervention is the key in treating autism, but in order to intervene early, you need money. Indiana does have what is referred to as an autism waiver. It's a good idea in theory, but I know of no one who has personally benefited from it yet. You see, it is greatly flawed. Once you are approved, you qualify for everything...it's all paid for by the state. But the flaw is in the fact that the waiting list in 5-7 years long to become approved. So if early intervention is the key...in the state of Indiana, you are just plain screwed.

So what is a parent to do? Well, you cash in your life's savings, your 401K's, you get second mortgages and second jobs...you do whatever it takes to get the money. After all, how can you put a price tag on your child's life? You can't really. The thing I found out was that all the stuff no longer mattered to me. My dream of building a new home, driving a nice car, having nice furniture and clothing...well, it just didn't matter anymore. I got rid of my SUV and downsized to a nice used van...no more car payment, there was an extra $333 dollars/mo right there. That first year AD (after diagnosis) I did a lot to cut corner's. I cut coupons, shopped at ALDI, went to thrift stores and garage sales and looked to eBay to buy our clothes. I found that I was way more savvy than I had previously given myself credit for.

With the money I was able to save around the home, it allowed us to do simple things like buy groceries and pay a few utilites. I recently went on a quest to see exactly how much money we have spent OOP (out of pocket) for things to heal IVY...I almost was sick to my stomach. We currently spend right at about $1000 a month on therapies, supplements, enzymes and food for her special diet. In the beginning it was more like $2500 a month. So calculate that and we have spent over $100,000 at this point. That was more than a down payment for my new home I dreamed of building. That is the part that makes me sick. That is why autism is such a dream smasher. It takes everything out of you and leaves you feeling exhausted, drained, worn out and flat broke.

For the most part, I never talk about the money, but I felt it was worthy of mentioning here because it's part of the stark reality many families with ASD face on a daily basis. Financial stress is the worst stress there is on a marriage according to experts. I think that is why so many ASD parents divorce. I know first hand of the strain it causes and Ed & I have had many disagreements over money AD...but at this point, we are hanging in there...some days by a thread, but we do what we can to make ends meet. As for my dreams...well I would love the new home and car that isn't from 1997...oh and new furniture, I would love that too...and some new clothes and to get my nails done once in awhile...but you know, in the grand scheme of things...those are just *things* and I can't in no way, now how compare them to the fact that my daughter is beating the odds and she IS recovering from autism.

L is for LOVE

2008-07-15T10:47:00.004-04:00

I have been stuck on L for awhile now....nothing comes to mind. I was afraid this would happen. I decided to quit trying so hard to think about it and just write something. LOVE comes to mind when I think about autism. I believe that Ivy's sole purpose in life was to teach me about LOVE. I mean I have always known about LOVE in a sense and even experienced it once or twice along the way, but this kind of LOVE I am talking about is the LOVE only learned from a lesson in life kind of LOVE.

When a mother holds her child for the first time, you feel so many different emotions. It is probably the single most magnificent moment in time over all other moments in time. You have created a life and most mother's know without a doubt that their purpose in life was to be this tiny little things mother. Forget everything else you had planned up to that point, because that has all changed now. Now it's about this tiny little creature lying in your arms. Now is when you experience the "Ah-ha" moment. You are now forever in love with this little person you created.

When you hold this beautiful baby and you are lovingly staring at them, you have dreams and hopes for them. You wonder about their life and what will they be when they grow up, etc, etc. When something like autism comes along, all those hopes and dreams are suddenly shattered by words such as, "no cure", "lifelong disability", "institutionalized" and "nothing we can do". It's really a devastating blow I can tell you first hand. All of sudden you are hit with the hard,cold reality that this beautiful child that you created and love is not perfect. Only that is the facade. Because once you swallow the diagnosis and you decided how you are going to handle things, you realize how silly you were for thinking your child is not perfect. In fact, my daughter is still perfect....she just has autism too.

So, when you have a child that has some issues, you go into what I refer to as "mad primal mommy mode". You have such a primal instinct to protect. It's called survival mode to some I guess. You whip out your ferocious mommy instinct's and you get busy. You could just lie down and give up and feel really sorry for yourself too I guess, but what is that going to solve? Not crapola I can tell you. So, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you get busy. You do it for YOU, you do it for your child, you do it out of LOVE. You do it because it's the right thing to do. It's not an easy road and there are lots of curve's and bumps and bridges washed out and detours along the way, but you will make it. You will, I promise. And along the way, you will learn what LOVE is really about.

K is for KIRKMAN LABS

2008-07-08T17:35:00.004-04:00

This is the place where we order the majority of Ivy's supplements. This company is absolutely top notch. All of their supplements are pharmaceutical grade quality. Here is a little excerpt from their website:

We have more experience - - Kirkman has been serving our customers since 1949. Because we are a basic, manufacturer we can control every aspect of our production to exacting standards. We've listened to our customers' needs for effective, pure and unique products. We work with the world's leading scientists, doctors and researchers to develop the best and most effective formulations. We offer the most extensive lines of casein and gluten free, hypoallergenic supplements on the market (including casein and gluten free Probiotics).

I love this illustration from their website regarding supplementation.

Road map to Supplementation

If you are wondering why we take supplements, please let me explain. The majority of ASD kids have what is called a leaky gut. They have poor digestion and are unable to absorb nutrients properly, so they must take supplements in order to make up for the deficiency. It's very important for those children on the GFCF diet to have supplements that are also GFCF....and KIRKMAN provides that for our children. They have a whole line of personal care products from chemical free sunscreen to shampoo & conditioner. They also carry a line of non-toxic GFCF cleaning products safe for the environment and safe for you too! I would recommend that you check them out!

Here is the link to their homepage. Thanks for reading!

KIRKMAN

J is for JUSTICE (or lack there of......)

2008-07-07T11:18:00.004-04:00

JUSTICE.....yes and I do mean the lack of it. One of the things I live with on a daily basis is that there is no JUSTICE in all of this mess. It's the reason I went to Washington DC....to see some JUSTICE. I want it for all those children, not just my child. I want it for the 1 in 150. Every day, I ask myself, "what can I do to make it better"? I don't have the answers, but I do know that my government has failed me miserably. It enrages me to think that my child is nothing more that a casualty of scientific error....

The hard part is being called a neurotic and/or paranoid mother, or that I am being irresponsible and frightening mothers into NOT vaccinating at all. But let me ask you....if you KNEW that something harmed your child, wouldn't you want to tell other mothers to look into it so that their babies wouldn't also be harmed? Or would you just keep it to yourself and never tell anyone...look the other way and say to yourself, "gee, I hope it doesn't happen to their baby". I feel it's my motherly DUTY to share the information I have and let other mom's judge for themselves and make an informed decision on their own.

JUSTICE. It's such a beautiful word when you think about it. John Mellencamp even named one of his children that. Too bad that in the year 2008 it means not squat and has no value left in it. The only time that JUSTICE will be served for me and my family is when the CDC and FDA finally come out and say, "OK, we were wrong and you were right. We messed up really bad and we are sorry and what can we do to make things right for your child?". That is how I spell JUSTICE. Too bad I will never see JUSTICE in my life time though.

I is for IVY...of course!

2008-07-02T18:46:00.007-04:00

I can actually think of several words that start with letter "I" that I could use to talk about my beautiful, little IVY.

For instance, I could tell you that one thing that autism does to our children is that it IMPRISONS them. They are locked INSIDE themselves. It's the most devastating thing to witness as a parent. You know they are there, only it appears that they are INFINITELY lost. I have these INCREDIBLE pictures that I look back on now and I can literally cry when I see how lost she was. She never looked at me or the camera...almost like you were INVISIBLE to her. She was always looking off to the side or down. Now, her smile is so INFECTIOUS. You can't help but smile when you see her eyes light up in front of the camera.

She is definitely INTELLIGENT. She can be IMAGINATIVE. She is rather IMPATIENT(most days). She is completely IRREPLACEABLE. She seems to be INTUITIVE. She has always been INQUISITIVE and I love that about her. Some days she is just IMPOSSIBLE!! Our conversations are always INTERESTING. It's for sure that she is IMPRESSIONABLE...especially on your heart. She is so sweet and INNOCENT. I know that without a doubt, that she is completely INCOMPARABLE. She has made such an IMPACT on my life. Life before IVY was just an IMITATION. Having Ivy, gave me the INSPIRATION to be a better person, better mother, better wife, better sister and a much better friend. I know that this experience is IMMEASURABLE and has been an INVALUABLE lesson in my life.

Happy Birthday America and have a safe and fun July 4th.

INFINITELY LOST

INFECTIOUSLY IRRESISTIBLE

H is for HBOT

2008-06-28T19:26:00.005-04:00

What is HBOT you ask? Glad you asked! It stands for Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. It's something new in the autism community that parents are trying for their children. I am considering this for Ivy. We could buy our own chamber for about $15,000. I am not sure where I could come up with that kind of money, but where there is a will, there is a way, right?

I am going to include this YouTube video showing what HBOT is and how it works for kids with autism. Very interesting indeed.

G is for "GEE" and GIFTED

2008-06-24T22:20:00.006-04:00

Like my own daughter, you will find that many kids on the spectrum are GIFTED and many fall under another classification called hyperlexia (a precocious ability to recognize written words significantly above an individual's language or cognitive skill level).

BEFORE Ivy was diagnosed with autism, I actually thought at one point she might be a baby genius. Don't laugh....I really did! Here she was just about 15 mths old she couldn't even ask for a drink, but she could read. Weirdly enough, my sister-in-law had given her this old Fisher-Price Electronic Alphabet Board and she LOVED that toy...it was her favorite. She taught herself to push the I and the V buttonson the board...like it was saying her name. She would push the buttons over and over and it was talking to her, I-V, I-V, I-V, I-V.....I thought to myself...what a little smartie she was...then a week later, I was passing through the living room, when I hear the board saying the letters J-D, J-D, J-D, J-D (we call Jade, Jadie for a nickname sometimes). Man, isn't that cute and she is awfully smart!!

Well, that you may think is not so special...even at 15mths....then listen to this. We had a box of alphabet fridge magnets in the garage left over from when Jade was a toddler and thought well, she since seems to like letters, numbers and shapes so much...maybe she would like to arrange them on the fridge like Jade did at this age. So, I send Ed out to hunt them down. Five minutes later, he comes in with the box and says, "Ivy come see what Daddy has for you". Ivy doesn't seem too interested, until he pulls the first letter out which happend to be a "G". Ivy said in her toddler talk, "sa Gee". I thought to myself...did she just say G...and if so then lucky guess little girl. :)

Then Ed pulled out the next letter which was an "S". Ivy said, "sa, Essss". And then Ed & I looked at each other and said, "whoa...how does she know these letters"....and then quickly followed by a "nah...that was just a freak thing". So Ed pulls out a third letter and this time he puls out an "X". Ivy gets excited and says, "es EXXXXXXX". Then I just about choked on my own breath. I said, "Pull another one out, pull another one out!!!" So, Ed continues to pull random letters from the box.....and to add to storyline here....there were actually two sets of magnets in the box...both upper and lower case letters and I want you to know that she guessed every single one of them right except one. When Ed pulled the lower case L out, she said it was a number ONE......not bad and very close IMHO. We had NO CLUE how she learned the letters at such an early age. We had never worked with her on the alphabet either. She had that electronic alphabet board and that was it. SHE MUST HAVE TAUGHT HERSELF!!

So, it started there with the box of refrigerator magnets. A few months after that, while driving down the road, she rattles off....T-A-C-O-B-E-L-L....TACOBELL!! And then stuff like, S-T-O-P....STOP!!! J-A-D-E...JADIE!!! I-V-Y....IVEEEEE!!!! She was so amazing, I really thought she was gifted for her age. I mean her favorite books were What to Expect When Expecting and What to Expect The First Year. She loved those books and would spend hours looking at them intently and turning each page to soak it all in. It didn't surprise me when she starting reading little words in books by age two at all. Dr. Suess was her favorite and she was reading by herself by age three.

After letters came numbers, shapes and colors. She loves them all and her world revolves around numbers, sizes, shapes, calculations etc. Ivy has something called sight counting. She can look at something and know how many there are without even counting. An example of that was when she was four, we went on a field trip with her pre-school class to the Indy Zoo. We walked into the Penguin House and she got all excited and yelled out, "Look!!! It's thirty-seven penguins!!!"

Her teacher and I just looked at eachother and laughed, then I stood there looking at the penguins and started counting the little ones standing on the ledge...and yes, you guessed it...there were thirty seven of those little penguins lined up in a row! Amazing, isn't it? Well, the following July4th, we went to watch the firework show at the local high school football field when she watched she would yell out things like, "oh, it's 200 stars"....."ooooh! It 437 stars"...and this went on through the entire show yelling out numbers every time one went off. We laughed and I can't count that fast, so I will take her word for it that she counted correctly.

Ivy also loves to keep track of people's birthdays ands how old you are. She never meets a person without wanting to know when your birthday is and she will then file it away and tell you if she knows anyone else that has a birthday the same day and who else has one in the same month. She really is amazing when it comes to this. I can't tell you how many birthdays this child has memorized.

She loves the weather and knowing how many degrees it is and if it's sunny, cloudy, windy, rainy, etc. She wants to watch the Weather Channel in the mornings, not cartons. She HAS to know what the temperature is outside now and what it will be today and tomorrow, etc.

I guess as I reflect back now as I type, she really is GIFTED. She is a gift. She is my gift from God and who am I to question that?

F is for FRIENDS, FAMILY & FAITH

2008-06-22T21:06:00.004-04:00

When you have a child that has autism, you will need all three of those things in order to survive in life. I love how Jenny McCarthy described in her book, Louder Than Words when someone's child is diagnosed with cancer, they rally around you and grieve with you and cook for you and hold your hand...but when your child is diagnosed with autism...people stop calling you for play dates, dinner and shopping and they avoid you out in public, lose your phone number and they say things like, "she just looks so normal". Yeah, you're right, she DOES look normal, but you aren't with her 24/7 like we are. You aren't there to see the midnight meltdowns and what happens when you feed her food she isn't supposed to have while she is with you (the after effects which are never while she is with you....it's always hours later when it kicks in and usually lasts for DAYS after).

You aren't there when she is on sensory overload kicking and screaming because she wants to wear a dress and there are none clean and nothing else will do and she has verbal barf and looks like Linda Blair from the Exorcist spewing split pea soup. You aren't there to see her cry when she can't make any friends and no one wants to play with her because she is different. You aren't there to see those little things about autism that no one else except her mom, dad and sister know about. That's the part people do not understand. She seems so normal on the outside, doesn't she? That is the part that makes it so difficult for friends and family to understand.

When it comes to friends and family(aka F&F), you have to have a support network of some kind or you will get sucked into the black hole of autism. Autism rules your life and it dictates how every little thing will happen in your daily life. I don't care how good of a dispostition you have, when autism rears it's ugly, ugly head....you better run for the hills or else it will sweep everyone away in it's wake. After a time living like this, it's starts to chip away at your soul...your spirit...your sense of self. You start to lose faith that things are ever going to get better.

Like I said, what families with ASD kids really need in their lives is a great support network. They need people to take one or more of their children overnight so the parents get some together time (soooooo many ASD families end up divorced due to the stress). They need to offer to cook dinner once in awhile for the exhausted moms. They need someone to offer to help them clean and organize their homes (most ASD mommies are too frazzled to organize anything after a time). They need someone to offer to drop by and watch the kids while you run errands for a couple of hours. That's the kind of support you need. What we need is for you to believe us when we say she can't eat wheat and dairy, that we mean it. We need to be trusted that we know our child better than you do and respect our rules when it comes to food. What we need the very most from our F&F's though, is just a shoulder to lean on. ASD parents need to be able to blow off some steam and get out their frustrations (because there are many). I wish the F&F's of ASD families understood these simple gestures. Reaching out to ASD families is all that is needed....for someone to say, "I see you struggling and I am here....what can I do to help"?

Last that brings me to FAITH. Faith is something I have always had until recently. I think that I am so exhausted, so frazzled, so disorganized, so behind, so lost and so empty from autism sucking the life out of me that it's really hard for me see past the mountain of doubt standing before me. I know the way to get the faith hook-up...I just can't seem to get around that dang mountain. When I feel my faith start to slip away, I always begin to isolate myself. I withdraw within. I hide out and feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self-pity. I hate being there. I hate that I am that person...but that's just how I feel right now. I feel like I have no faith that things will ever get better for us. I feel helpless and alone. But as a parent of an ASD child, I have had to have FAITH that all that I have done is worth it. All the heartache,sleepless nights and all the sadness is worth it. My faith is what keeps me from completely sinking under. Even though at times I feel like I am white knuckling it...I know that if I just hang on...God's going to send someone out to dig me a tunnel so that I can get through that stupid mountain. So to all the ASD parent's out there...hang in there and have FAITH! That mountain will move, eventually......

E is for ESSENTIAL FATTY ACIDS

2008-06-21T22:13:00.003-04:00

This is another supplement used in the DAN! protocol. Most people that eat the standard American diet (SAD) could benefit from using EFA's since most of today's food is completely depleted of the EFA's. Here is an article written by Deborah Matthew, MD pertaining to the use of EFA's and why they work.

Autism is the fastest-growing developmental disability in the US, currently diagnosed in 1 in every 150 children. It is more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined. Despite these statistics, Autism remains poorly understood and often difficult to diagnose. This is partly because Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning it manifests itself in many different forms. Some children with Autism may rarely speak and have difficulty learning to read or write, while others are so high-functioning that they are able to attend classes in a mainstream school. Unfortunately, there currently is no cure for autism. There are, however, some interesting theories on Autism that lend themselves to dietary interventions that may prove beneficial.

One theory is that Autism may be partly caused by a problem with metabolism of essential fatty acids (EFAs). EFAs are compounds that cannot be made in the body, but are essential for many biochemical processes. For some unknown reason, the brains of individuals with Autism may have problems converting EFAs from foods into the forms necessary for many biochemical reactions. When these biochemical reactions fail to take place, they lead to the signs and symptoms of Autism.

EFAs fall into two major categories: omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids. Omega-6 fats are found in milk, eggs, meat, grains, processed foods, and many cooking oils, whereas omega-3 fats are found abundantly in flax seed, walnuts, and fish such as salmon, halibut, mackeral, herring and tuna. The relative ratio of omega-6 to omega-3 fats is critical to the health and development of the brain. As the levels of omega-6 fats rise higher and higher, there can be negative effects on cognition, mood, and behavior. As our society has become more dependent on processed foods, levels of omega-6 fats have risen. Many believe that this has helped contribute the increasing prevalence of Autism.

The major omega-3 fatty acids are DHA and EPA. Both DHA and EPA have been found to affect many aspects of brain function. Studies in rats have shown that changing the amount of EPA and DHA in the diet can alter the amounts of certain critical chemicals in the brain. Currently, there have been only a handful of studies on the effectiveness of omega-3 fat supplementation as a treatment for Autism. However, in those studies done so far, there appeared to be an improvement in overall health, cognition, sleep patterns, social interactions, and eye contact in Autistic children given supplemental EPA and DHA. Further studies are needed.

There has been no research on the optimal dose of EFAs for treating children with Autism. The dose range in current studies is 540-2320 mg of omega-3 fats per day. Doses in this range do not appear to cause any significant side effects. As long as EFAs are less than 10% of total dietary intake, they are considered safe. However, it must be noted that fish oil supplements can contain contaminants such as mercury, hormones, dioxins, and PCBs. Thus, care must be taken when purchasing fish oil supplements to find those that have been purified by molecular distillation and are described as pharmaceutical grade.

As the incidence of Autism continues to rise without a definitive cure, novel therapies must be considered. The negligible risks of omega-3 fat supplementation are far outweighed by the potential benefits, so it appears that this treatment should be considered in those suffering from Autism.

We use EFA's for our whole family, not just Ivy. We only use Nordic Naturals. They are by far the best on the market.

D is for DAN!

2008-06-20T22:36:00.005-04:00

DAN! stands for Diagnose Autism Now! This is the protocol we have used to recover Ivy from autism. Many people chose this route. It is a biomedical treatment for autism. If your child or someone you know has a child that has recently been diagnosed with autism, I highly recommend you find a DAN! doctor in your area. They specialize in the treatment and recovery of autism.

What Is the DAN! Protocol, and What are DAN! Doctors?

Defeat Autism Now (DAN!) is a project of the Autism Research Institute, founded in the 1960's by Dr. Bernard Rimland. DAN! doctors are trained in the "DAN! Protocol," an approach to autism treatment which starts with the idea that autism is a biomedical disorder. Specifically, DAN! doctors feel that autism is a disorder caused by a combination of lowered immune response, external toxins from vaccines and other sources, and problems caused by certain foods.

What Do DAN! Doctors Prescribe?

Many regular physicians or pediatric physician's do not conduct extensive medical testing for autism, because they believe, incorrectly, that the only useful medical treatments are psychiatric medications to reduce seizures and behavioral problems. Some of the major interventions suggested by DAN! practitioners include:

-Nutritional supplements, including certain vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and essential fatty acids

-Special diets totally free of gluten (from wheat, barley, rye, and possibly oats) and free of dairy (milk, ice cream, yogurt, etc.)

-Testing for hidden food allergies, and avoidance of allergenic foods

-Treatment of intestinal bacterial/yeast overgrowth (with pro-biotics, supplements and other non-pharmaceutical medications)

-Detoxification of heavy metals through chelation, B12 shots, etc

View the list of practitioners who have agreed to assist families with autistic children in pursuing the DAN! approach.

C is for CHELATION

2008-06-19T09:48:00.006-04:00

This is a type of therapy/treatment for the symptoms of autism.

We personally have chosen to NOT use chelation with Ivy. I could have really missed the bus here, but so much controversy has surrounded the treatment that I wasn't convinced it was in her best interest. I was lucky that Ivy responded well to other types of therapies. I had to use my "mommy instinct" and I have just shied away from the treatment thus far. I researched and chose an alternate method in clay baths. They are all natural and holistic. We use these baths here: Kids Clay . But I do want to say that I have read and heard from many a parent that have said, chelation has brought their children out of autism or greatly improved their symptoms. So, to the warrior moms that have tried it and were successful, I stand behind you 100%. You rock!

Because this is such a widely recognized therapy for ASD kids, I felt I had to present it to you. The following is an excerpt from Dana's View web page. Dana has a wealth of information on her website and it has been an invaluable tool to me over the last 4 years.

Several ASD researchers theorize that many ASD children have a genetic predisposition to metal injury, and the metals found in vaccines or other environmental exposures trigger a biological response which is manifesting as autism. There is also some evidence that several other diseases are also a result of metal toxicity, including allergies, asthma, fibromyalgia, memory issues, and depression. For a more complete list, click here.

Removing the metals from your child’s body is called "chelation" [key-LAY-shun]. This process is not without risks, but it has the potential of producing the benefit of your child significantly improving in functioning, even potentially to the point of no longer qualifying as autistic. But because it does have risks, you need to research it and determine for yourself if it is something you would like to consider for your child.

Chelation is a slow process, to make it as "safe" as possible, minimizing the chance of potential risks. Many children do show improvement rather quickly, but it can take as long as two years to realize the full effect of any improvement which will be related to chelation. And, if your child is NOT metal toxic, chelation will have basically no effect.

If you would like to learn more about chelation (because it's not really easy to explain) click here.

B is for BEHAVIOR

2008-06-18T18:03:00.009-04:00

It took me a long time to understand that behavior is communication with ASD kids. Once I got that through my thick skull though, I was able to use it to my benefit. Now when Ivy gets cranky, irritable or discontent, I know there is an underlying issue at hand and it's up to me to figure out what the "real issue" is, so we can move forward. The following is an excerpt from Ellen Notbohm's TEN THINGS YOUR STUDENT WITH AUTISM WISHES YOU KNEW.

For children with autism:

Behavior is communication. All behavior occurs for a reason. It tells you, even when my words can’t, how I perceive what is happening around me. Negative behavior interferes with my learning process. But merely interrupting these behaviors is not enough; teach me to exchange these behaviors with proper alternatives so that real learning can flow.

Start by believing this: I truly do want to learn to interact appropriately. No child wants the negative feedback we get from “bad” behavior. Negative behavior usually means I am overwhelmed by disordered sensory systems, cannot communicate my wants or needs or don’t understand what is expected of me. Look beyond the behavior to find the source of my resistance. Keep notes as to what happened immediately before the behavior: people involved, time of day, activities, settings. Over time, a pattern may emerge.

**On a side note, we went swimming today and had a little fun. Ivy conned me out of a hot dog on a real wheat bun today...behavior tonight? You betcha!!! Anytime we do dietary infractions, there will be a consequence to that (much to my disadvantage). But sometimes, you just have to let a kid be a kid and swim and have a hot dog on a bun all in the same day! Right now she is happy as a lark and I am happy that she is happy. :)

The ABC's of Autism

2008-06-17T21:35:00.003-04:00

Many people ask me exactly what IS autism??? I can never really answer that with a simple description. Fact is, autism is very, very COMPLEX. It affects many parts of the body and no two children have the exact same symptoms. My only experience with autism prior to Ivy being diagnosed, was of Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of an autistic man in the movie Rain Man. I do not believe that the 1 in 150 kids being diagnosed today are of the same type of autism. I believe that there is something much more complex about today's autism. I don't buy into the theory that the rise in autism is due to better diagnosing. In fact, I think that is a load of crap. I think the autism of today, is being triggered by outside interferences such as vaccines, exposure to heavy metals, poor diet, nutritional deficiencies, amalgam illness, poisoned water supplies, pitocin overuse, and the list can go on and on.....

So, over the course of the next 26 days I am going to give you autism from A to Z. Each day I will write about something directly related to autism be it an explanation, treatment, therapy, etc. I hope by the end of the alphabet, you will have a much better understanding of autism. Enjoy!

A is for AUTISM

:: Autism is a bio-neurological developmental disability that generally appears before the age of three.

:: Autism impacts the normal development of the brain in the areas of social interaction, communication skills, and cognitive function. Individuals with autism typically have difficulties in verbal and non-verbal communication, social interactions, and leisure or play activities.

:: Individuals with autism often suffer from numerous physical ailments which may include: allergies, asthma, epilepsy, digestive disorders, persistent viral infections, feeding disorders, sensory integration dysfunction, sleeping disorders, and more.

:: Autism is diagnosed four times more often in boys than girls. Its prevalence is not affected by race, region, or socio-economic status. Since autism was first diagnosed in the U.S. the occurrence has climbed to an alarming 1 in 150 people across the country.

:: Autism does not affect life expectancy. Currently there is no cure for autism, though with early intervention and treatment, the diverse symptoms related to autism can be greatly improved.

50 Things I Like About Myself

2008-06-16T13:37:00.004-04:00

I recently had the opportunity to meet some fantastic people when we went to DC to the Green Our Vaccines Rally. One such couple was from NW Indiana, named Jacob and Arianne. Arianne is a phenomenal blogger. I have been reading her blogs since we got back from DC and she is such a talented writer and she has 2 boys with autism. I think she is line for Sainthood, only she doesn't know it. So we don't really "know" each other, but we walked together in the march in DC and we just have a common bond with our cause in life and our children, but I feel like I know her better since reading her blogs, ya know? I think she is really cool and I think if we lived closer, we could totally be friends. But, to my point of this whole post...she recently blogged about something and challenged her readers to it as well.

She asked if you can think of 50 things like about yourself. She posted her list and asked her readers to do the same. So, here goes, here is my list and I ask the same of you, make your list, and post the link to your blog in a reply, so we can all see what you like about yourself as well. Good luck, clear your minds and get to typing. I know you can find 50 things if you try hard enough. Every now and then, I think it's good to reminds ourselves, why we love ourselves.

50 Things I Like About Myself

1. I am funny

2. I can take a joke and make one too

3. I love life and all it has to offer

4. I love traveling and love to see the world

5. I like that I am able to see past color, race or sexual orientation in people

6. I love children and think I connect well with them

7. I love music and how it can affect my mood

8. I love God and considered myself one of his "girls"

9. I am crafty when I have time

10. I have good decorating skills

11. I like my sense of style in clothes

12. I am a loyal person

13. I am a good friend

14. I am a good mom to both Jade and Ivy

15. I am a good sibling and look out for them and play the mother hen roll well

16. I am a hard worker

17. I am a good employee and you'll get your money's worth out of me always

18. I love to read and learn new things

19. I am always open minded

20. I am willing to try new things, twice if I like them

21. People fascinate me and I love to meet new people

22. I am a collector of friends, old and young both

23. I am a cat lover

24. I am pretty knowledgeable about autism

25. I am a good advocate for my daughter with ASD

26. I am willing to fight for her

27. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make her life better

28. I am willing to do without so we can have money to treat her

29. I always try to see the good in people

30. I am a pretty positive person and try to spread that around

31. I like the color of my eyes

32. I think I have good taste in men, (ie my husband)

33. I am eccentric and I like being that way

34. I am computer knowledgeable

35. I love living green and am willing to share tips and resources, etc with others

36. I like living simply whenever possible without all the fluff

37. I am content most of the time

38. I would stand up for you if someone was bad mouthing you

39. I despise gossip and usually walk away rather than participate

40. I love taking pictures of my family and do it often

41. I can dance fairly well and I wanted to be a professional dancer when I was in high school.

42. I am compassionate towards others

43. I have passion for a cause and will go to the ends of the earth to see it through

44. I have really good intuition and use it my advantage

45. I have really good mommy instincts

46. I don't worry about what other's think of me or what the neighbors say

47. I know life is short, I get that

48. I live my life like there is no tomorrow most days

49. I love easily

50. I am not just any Lisa

~Super Sexy Swingin' Saturdays~

2008-06-14T16:26:00.005-04:00

Saturdays ROCK. There is just no other way to describe them. They are my most favorite day of the week, with Friday's trailing a close second place. I live for the weekends.

I just love Saturdays and here are some of the reason's why:

~Sleeping in
~I actually sometimes eat breakfast on Saturday mornings
~Can be used as as excuse to stay in your jammies all day
~Can be used as a NO shower day (come'on admit it, you've done that too)
~HGTV marathon days (and I mean ALL DAY LONG)
~Catching up on the mail from all week (b-o-r-i-n-g)
~Putzing around the house doing nothing
~Cooking out and having friends over
~Swimming at my brother's house
~ Laundry catch-up day
~Yard work and gardening (one of my fave's)
~Honey Do List day (altho my hubby HATES these kind of Saturday's, heh...heh...)
~Project Day (usually something I learned from HGTV marathon day..wink, wink)
~Ordering out for dinner
~Blockbuster Movie Marathon's

Oh heck, I could go on forever, but I think you will agree with me that Saturday's are the most, bestest day of the week!

Hope you enjoy your Super Sexy Swingin' Saturday yourself. We are off the St Michael's Parish Festival where Ed is painting faces, and I am manning the corn on the cob booth! The kids have plenty of carnival tickets to blow...it should be fun for all!

Not*Just*Any*Blog

Friday Fun Day

Friday Fun Day

Losing One's Mojo

Life is Short

Melancholy

Surrender

The waiting is the hardest part

Times they are a changin'...

Acceptance

Jade

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Oddest Places

Ready for SPRING!!!

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2011...and I am Living the Dream

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Time flies when you're having fun

Thinking it's time to move on...

Welcoming the new year...

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I NEED DUCT TAPE!!!!!!!

I was TAGGED!!!

Heartbreaker

Sometimes it's the small things that are BIG!

Gratitude List Number 1004

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Let's reflect for a minute

The Roller Coaster Ride

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Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

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Gratitude List Number 997

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I feel so uninspired....

The Yearly IEP

Random Thoughts

Happy Mother's Day :)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

Verbal Barf

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Writer's Block

What to do , what to do?

Challenge Yourself

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My Beloved Blog

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So we got a little snow....

Breath

If the truth hurts....

A lot going on....

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I'm not really feelin' Christmas

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Christmas Traditions- The Four Gifts

My Christmas Gift to all my friends this year.....

You can't SEE Autism!

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Lisa's Famous Pumpkin Pie

Thanksgiving Menu

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BEING CRABBY

A Short Story About Healing

God's Amazing Grace

Lisa's Hamburger Soup

FALLING in love with FALL

Jade puts things into perspective for me...

An Idea is Born.....

T is for.........

S is for SORRY

R is for REALITY

Q is for QUITTING

NotJustAny*Blog