Coming to Terms

So as a middle aged woman, I got some things I've been wrestling with. It's been hard for me to admit that I am getting older. I don't think I am dealing with this getting old thing very well. Although I consider myself young at heart, I wonder sometimes how people age so damned gracefully and will I be one of them? For the first time in my life I wonder what it would feel like to be old. Will getting old mean I am no longer attractive to the opposite sex? Will I not be able to wiggle my way into a man's heart with just my looks? Or will I have to rely solely on personality, charm and my sense of humor? I envy those women who have been married for 25+ yrs. They can finally relax in middle age. They can take comfort in the fact that the man they are with still looks lovingly their way and can remember what they looked like in the younger years of their relationship. We single, middle age gals don't get that luxury. We always have to be bringing our 'A' game. We have to try to pull ourselves together and be looking good at all times! But the truth is...we are old. We are saggy and wrinkled and gray. Our bodies aren't like they used to be and they are going through God awful changes. Who wants to date women like me? I got 99 problems and a whole lotta excess baggage. You want to take me on? Well Good Luck Buddy!

I was at dinner the other night with the girls when a couple a little bit older than me walked in and they were holding hands. I looked at them and got this twinge in my heart and it hurt for like 2 seconds. I was envious. I was afraid. I felt almost panicked. What if I never meet anyone? What if the best years of my life are spent alone with myself because of all the stupid, stupid choices I have made in my life? Is this really all there is left to it? I don't want to be alone. Plain and simple. Yet, I don't want anyone in my life right now. I am a paradox. This is where I am today. Dealing with it. Coming to terms....then I just laugh at myself for being so damn serious and over thinking every little thing. Next I raise my glass and make this toast~ Here's to never growing old!

Life Really DOES Go On

One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care..it's so unfair. Just like the song goes. Life is unfair. The thing is life is unfair to everyone not just you. At some point you have to stop feeling sorry for your sad self and move on. I was there, so trust me when I say I understand. I was there. For a long, long lonely time I was there. It's only been recently that I was able to move in any direction at all. I have been planted in the same place, with time standing still in hopes that my old life would come back looking for me. I am here to tell you...it doesn't and life goes on without you. So you can either stay stuck right where you are, or you can try to live, breathe and be happy again.

Any time you are nursing your wounded heart and ego back to health and learning to live again, there will be set backs. There will be Hi's and Low's in your recovery. And it really is recovery. You are are recovering from a broken heart. You've done battle. It's painful. You will feel high one day and so low the next. You will wonder how you will ever be happy again and if anyone will ever love you again. But the good news is, you are going to be alright. You won't be stuck forever. One day out of the blue, someone will come along and pluck you right out of the quicksand that you have been sinking in. You won't expect it. You won't even see it coming. Maybe it will just be a nice gesture, or a sweet compliment from someone, maybe it will be a pretty damn bold move like kissing you for no apparent reason completely out of the blue. I don't know, but SOMETHING will be be the catalyst that gets you moving and gets you thinking. Something will become the key to you finding your happiness again. You are going to be as happy as you decide to be. I have always chose happiness. Time and time again, when I have have been down in the dumps I always end up choosing happiness. I hope you choose happy too. It's a whole lot more fun over here on the happy side and I am saving you a seat and got the popcorn all ready to share.

Dating Games

I will admit I have been out of the dating pool since 2009. But can someone tell me what the hell has happened to dating in the last 5 years? Is it my age or is it the men? I am thinking its a combo of both.
Sorry if you know me, you just might end up in one of my blog posts, so please know now, if your heart is starting to race and your palms are starting to get sweaty, this post just might be about you. Yes, YOU!!!

So, here is what I have noticed since I was last living in Single Kingdom. Men have gotten pretty damn lazy. It's all about texting, IM'ing, SnapChatting, etc. these days. What the hell is up with that? Do people not communicate directly to the source in person anymore? Call me, talk to me. Make plans with me. Stop with the impersonal form of communication already. Second, when you finally DO land that date with me, do me a favor Mr. Self Absorbed and put your damn phone away while you are with me. I don't want to watch you play on your phone the whole time you are with me. What the hell is wrong with you man? Here you are with this extremely smart, witty, HOT babe sitting right in front of you and all you can do is have your face in your phone the entire time (probably chatting with some OTHER babe, right?). If you can't give me the time of day when we are trying to get to know one another, then what makes you think I should give you the time of day later in the sack? Which we all know is what you are really after, right? Wink, wink...

Lastly what's up with the cat and mouse games? I loved the Hunger Games, and I don't mind a good chase, but playing cat and mouse at this point in my life serves me no purpose. Do me a favor fellas and stop with the lame games. No chick wants to be tied to a thin wire and dangled around back and forth with the "maybe we could", the "might be able to" and the " we'll see about that" lines. They suck and if you are going to use those lines with me, then you suck too. Moral of the story, if you keep making me chase you, then the game is over for me. Dude I don't chase my liquor, I am sure not going to chase YOU!! Just sayin'...

And to summarize, I am just going to say that even though this is 2014 and I am probably one of the most tech savvy girls you know. I am on almost every social media platform out there. I have kids, I text way more that I should and have the stats to prove it on Verizon.com. I get that it's a technical world that we live in, I get that. But this girl also has a side that longs for an old fashioned guy. Chivalry WILL get you into my panties. Please tell me chivalry is not dead. A little good manners and an attention span longer than 5 minutes will get you farther with me than anything else. i just gave you the roadmap to every girls bottom dollar. Now that I got that off my chest, I got some SnapChats to answer and some texts and some IM's....

The Definition of a Cougar

Remember that last post about not dating and all that BS? Well, ppppssssshhh! Whatever. That was a really stupid thing to say. Really? A time out when I have basically been in a time out for the past YEAR???? Who needs more time in a time out? Not this girl. I am single and ready to mingle and since my last post, this girl has found her Mojo. Yep, that's correct. Found it. Owning it. Just saying.
Which brings me to my current thought process regarding the definition of a cougar. I got called a cougar twice last week and I was thinking about how much that pisses me off, haha and thought I would share the reason why because I can't be the only woman out there who feels this way.

Urban Dictionary describes a cougar as this:

Cougar

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

 

Now I am going to explain to you why I freaking HATE this word. I've heard it. I've been called one more than once along with the equally adorable terminology of being called a MILF. Really? Is that the best you got guys? I am so much more than both of those things. So much more. The fact that I happen to adore younger men has nothing to do with me being a cougar. I'm not a big cat on the prowl for 20 yr olds (not saying I haven't dipped into that pool though, haha). I just happen to like younger men then men my own age because they are interesting to me. I try to keep it within the 5-10 yrs range. I am not opposed to dating men my own age, it's just that most men MY age are either married happily or gay. That's the fact jack. If I am going out and putting myself out there, you are not seeing too many men my age out there too. So if I am out there and mingling, I am mingling with younger men. I have just always been drawn to younger men in general. Period. It's my preference, like you prefer a brunette over a blond. Or a tall guy over a short one. Its just what I personally prefer. Or it could just be because I am really immature. Who knows.

 

So if I like younger men as a whole, you might ask, how does that NOT  make me a cougar? Well great question! I will repeat it again- I am not a cougar. What I AM is an intelligent, self-sufficient, sensual, sexy and desirable older woman who has more miles and more insurance than that of a 20 yr or a 30 yr woman. I got curves in places that I prefer wouldn't curve. I got wrinkles that indicate that I have lived a life well. They are my laugh lines and show you that I have laughed A LOT in this life time. I am comfortable in my own skin and damn sure comfortable in the bedroom. I know what you like and I know what I  like and I know what it takes to get us both there. That is called being confident. Not a freaking cougar. I'm the total package if you could look past the "Cougar" you see standing in front of you. You can either hop on over to my way of thinking, or walk your ass down the street to the next cougar. RAWR!

Reality of my Life

It's been 2 mths since my last post and that is basically because I have nothing to give right now. Never in my life, have I ever been so cornered in to the reality of my life. Reality? Yeah the reality. Here's the stats folks, just for you because I know you are dying to know what I have been up to. Well, not much movement in the way of personal growth, but I did receive a small gift horse in the way of being able to repair some damage with my girls. It's not that I put them on the back burner
per-se during my 4 yr relationship with the ex boyfriend, but they were not my sole focus, shall we say? A turn of events rolled out in July and in a nutshell, my girls have not been to see their father since July 4th weekend. Do the Math, that's 12 weeks!! Seeing that we used to split custody and the girls stayed one week with him and then one week with me, that was a HUGE change for me to adjust to. Nowadays my life is spent carting one here and picking the other up there. High school is busy, busy for No. 1 and No. 2 is still adjusting to Middle School and mean girls. Aside from that, I am just trying to pick up the pieces and move on. By the way, the ex is already engaged to be married to the gal who he swiftly to up residency with within 2 weeks of moving out with me after breaking up. Talk about a kick in the teeth. All I am going to say, is that I also consider that a gift and I wish him well. My focus for the next several months now will be on myself, finally. I am planning on kicking it into high gear and getting my groove back. Just watch me, you'll see.

Restless Life Syndrome

So many times in my life I have gotten so restless in certain situations. I am there now. Not feeling the job, not feeling the home, not feeling the state I live in, not feeling anything. All I DO know is that I desperately want some change in my life, I need some change. I can't possibly be any more ready for change if I tried! I have read before that after a big life crisis such as death of a loved one or after a breakup, it changes us so deeply, that we crave change in a manner we never did before. Like people go crazy with change. Like jump out of airplanes, completely change careers, move to other states and make sudden radical changes to their appearance all in an attempt to reinvent themselves. I can relate. My current emotional status completely confirms that I am ready to move to California where I can park my happy butt on the beach and live happily ever after with me and my girls. Then the rubber band snaps me in the arm. OUCH! Reality sets in and reveals to me that none of that is really possible at this point in my life- so I just live in limbo wondering how to move around this constant and relentless feeling that I want to be any where but right here, right now. Yep, I've got Restless Life Syndrome.

They Fall Like Rain....

Tears, that is. I had another epiphany in the shower this AM. Tears that fall like rain lead you to the road of recovery and healing and it's ok for me to cry. They cleanse the soul and heart of all the pain you feel. Who doesn't feel better after a good old fashioned cry fest? Well for me anyway, it's most helpful. Maybe that's a girl thing, I don't know....

I recently had a friend tell me that because she knows me and my past behavior that basically I am incapable of moving on from the breakup. I've had some things happen in the past week which has brought all the feelings that I have been working so hard to stuff down under to come screaming to the surface...demanding to be felt. Ok, ok...you win. I FEEL ya broooo. Oh my God, do I EVER feel ya. But my epiphany was not in the tears themselves, but in discovering that this is me. I am not you. I am not anybody else on this planet, but me. This is how I deal. This is how I roll. This is how I heal. My way. Doesn't mean I don't want to hear your opinion or that I don't value the opinions of my friends (because I very much do). It just means that no one else knows my pain or what I am feeling. No one sees inside my heart like I do. No one else can move me forward but me.

So in summary, I have decided that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I will work through this emotional baggage one day at a time and feel it all I want until I am exhausted from feeling it. Then and only then can I really, really move forward and make a new life for myself. I am not ashamed to say that at this point I might be stalling. I might be a damn fool. But, you know what? That's ok. Because we learn from our mistakes and I am just one of those people who has to analyze life. Over and over and over. When I finally decide I have got it figured out, I'll press forward. I just have to know what the lesson was before I can move on. Here's to tears and letting them fall like rain because after the rain, comes the rainbow, right?