Welcoming the new year...

How glad I am to see 2010 roll into my life. I started to post at Christmas time and then things got really hectic and really busy in my life and I just never got around to doing so. I figure I can start clean in 2010 and attempt to keep this blog updated a little more. It's my ONLY New Year's Resolution in fact. I don't make resolutions because I always, always break them...so there you have it.

Just feeling extremely grateful for all the blessings in my life these days. Doors keep opening for me and things just keep getting better all the time. I feel richly blessed by friends and family and I know that no matter how rough life can seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I am currently ending one chapter in my life and beginning a new one. This chapter is exciting and full of hope and promise. I can wait to see how it ends.

Here's hoping that 2010 will bless you all in ways you never thought possible. Thanks for being in my life and for being my inspiration this past year! Couldn't have done it all without all of you. <3

BEING THANKFUL

This Thanksgiving, there is just so much to be thankful for in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I took the opportunity today to thank some people on Facebook, by posting a "thankful post" on each person's wall. I told them the exact reason I was thankful for them in my comment. I am a firm believer of telling people how you feel now cuz when you're gone, you can't. Simple fact.

So as I write today about thankfulness, I can't help but feel grateful for all the people in my life that have helped me out this past year. I read through some old posts last night and reading a few of them was downright painful. I remember clearly being in the WalMart parking lot wishing my life was over. I remember clearly calling out to God that night for help. I remember promising to have the courage to change the things I could in order for things to improve in my life. That was scary, but a necessary change.

So many people both near to me and far away from me began praying for me. SO many people reached out to me to lend me a hand, their shoulders, time or money when I needed it most. It's been an incredibly rough 9 mths, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's an exhilarating feeling knowing I did this and I survived. :) So today as I reflect on what I am truly thankful for, I want to remember all those friends and family members who held me up when I couldn't walk on my own. I am so thankful for your presence in my life, soooo thankful for your love that I feel like I could burst wide open with thankfulness!

Here's hoping you have lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving too. Much love <3

Gratitude List Number 1004

OK, so when you are uptight, pissed off, and tired it truly is THE BEST time to sit down and remember what you are grateful for in life. It works every time for me and always pulls me out of the nasty funk I am in at the moment. And since I am really, really uptight, pissed off and tired, this list in NECESSARY in order for me to continue further in this day. So here goes. Remember gratitude lists don't need to be profound every time you make once, just list what your are grateful for at that moment in time. :)

1) Sundays, so that I can regroup, catch up on sleep and laundry

2) my friends who are constant network of support

3) skor candy bars, I have eaten 2 this week!

4) the sun...if it ever shines again

5) school starting tomorrow, thank you God!

6) my children, how blessed I am to be their Mom

7) pottery barn catalogs, I got 4 new ones in the mail last week!!

8) flip flops, I own around 20 pairs, I can't live without mine :)

9) my jobs, without them I could pay for nothing and so many people don't even have one job, I am just grateful that I can work.

10) a good book and a hot cup of tea...where I can be somewhere else other than in MY life.

Randomness

I am so glad that God created humans to be able to love, create bonds and make friendships. Because I love my friends and without them I am pretty much alone, lol!

Something is in the air, I can feel it. I feel like this could be the start of a new chapter for me. I am taking some steps to move forward and it's not as scary as I thought it would be. My friends say go ahead and JUMP! Easier said than done, but I am trying.

I love summer and I am already sad that it's coming to an end. :*(

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am. :D

All work and no play, makes LISA a dull woman. Got any suggestions?

If they say that well behaved women never make history, then I should go down in the books.

My kids absolutely crack me up. When did they become such comedienne's?

I saw the New Moon trailer this week and I am seriously STOKED to see the movie in November. I think I might just have to read NM again before the movie comes out. That makes #6. I need a 12 step program to get off Twilight. Geesh.

If the truth hurts....

I have to admit that I feel anxious when I don't come here and write. I get all this extra pent-up anxiety when I can't release the stresses of the day. I'm a spiller. Always have been and unfortunately, I will most likely always be a spiller. I can't keep anything inside. It gets uncomfortable and I have to get it out.

Recently, I was in a position where I had to spill some information about someone I love to others. It was in this persons best interest, I promise. She is a beautiful individual, she radiates light into those around her. I have known her since the day she was born and I love her like my own family. I couldn't sit by and NOT say something. As a result, I think feelings were hurt and I feel like I am the bad guy. How did that happen? I think that at some times, we should just keep our thoughts to ourselves and let people find things out for themselves. Maybe I am TOO honest. Maybe I should stay out of other people's business. Normally I do. But this time, I felt compelled to say something and it's caused some upset and pain to someone I care about.

I have been on both side's of this fence. I knew information about someone once before and I didn't spill it right away. I thought on it overnight and how to best approach it, I did the dance with the "should I and shouldn't I's". So, this time, I thought spilling was the right thing. I spilled it immediately. I guess either way, you are screwed. You withhold, you're screwed. You tell, you're screwed. Life is so unfair sometimes. I know in my heart that this came from the right place. My question is: when is it right and when is it wrong? When do you tell the truth and when do you withhold? How do you know when the truth is too much? How do you keep a sock in your mouth and NOT say something?

I will learn from this experience. I guess from now on, it really is best to withhold initially and maybe even pray about the right thing to do. I guess projecting ourselves unnecessarily into other people's business is the wrong thing to do. I won't make this mistake again. The thing is, that normally, I don't do this. I have kept far out of everyone's lives I am close to for a very long time now. I have almost mastered it, until this latest slip. I guess this a perfect reminder of why I keep out in the first place.

Oh and by the way.....it's good to be back. I have written almost FOUR chapters on my book. I have been productive since my last post.

Laughter really is the best medicine

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried...or you felt like your sides were going to split? For me, it was LAST NIGHT. I met with a group of friends and we had some free entertainment last night. We literally laughed until we cried and was near to getting thrown out of O'Charley's I think. You can't take us anywhere, can you?

Well, I just wanted to write and tell you that if you haven't laughed lately, that maybe, just maybe, you need to do some of that and real soon!! I suggest an evening out with some very humorous people, but renting a good comedy would do too. Just do something that would make you laugh. You will feel better afterwards, I promise!

Today, life just doesn't seem so serious, so negative, so bogged down. It feels light and airy and I may just not do a dang thing the rest of the day other than post this new entry to my blog. :p

Here's to laughter...

Say it isn't so....

Summer can't be over already can it? I could just cry!!! I live for the summertime and the warm sunny days of summer vaction. Summer break wasn't so sunny for me this time around though.

Went to DC and then got back and had a little bit of a nervous break down I guess. Wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself anymore. Should I stay married, keep working, move away, go back to college? All life changing and thought consuming thoughts for sure. The stress I have experienced this summer I do not wish even on my worst enemy by the way. It nearly broke my spirit. I have never been so low as I was the past few months. All the while planning a 25 yr class reunion, remodeling my home, getting ready for a visit from my mom and from friends from across the ocean in Germany, getting back to school supplies together and uniforms purchased, going back to work myself, etc. It was enough to break you right in two. I ended up in bed after 2 continuous months of doing nothing but going and going and going some more. That is how it always ends for me...sick in bed with recurrent mono type symptoms.

I had a visit from an angel though through the midst of it all. My dear friend Roswitha came to stay with me from Germany and seeing her, being with her, talking with her reminded me that once upon a time, I used to be someone. Someone other than Ed's wife or Jade and Ivy's mom. I was a someone that had hopes and dreams and traveled the world and lived life to the fullest. Where had that girl gone to I wonder as we sat one night on my patio listening to the hum of the chicada's in the trees outback? Where was she? Why could Roswitha see me, but I couldn't see myself in my own mirror? She gave me some good advice and that was to spend time with Lisa once a week and get to know myself again and to reflect on the things I want most out of life. I can see now that she is right. I have been depriving myself of a good life trying to save Ivy's. If I am not well, both mentally and spiritually, then how can I be of any good to my girls or my husband?

Autism is never going to go away in my house. It's here to stay like a big fat, red underground ZIT on your chin. You can cover it up with make-up, but you know it's still there and even though people don't say anything, THEY know it's there as well. So, the question is...how do you get around it since you know you have to just live with it? How do I find the balance in my life, in my marriage? In my time spent with the girls? How do I continue to love someone I am not sure if I can even stand some days? I have no clue really. I just keep trudging along and hoping that somehow, someway I will get it right for once. I keep praying for God to save me and that is all I can hope for in the end. I pray for saving grace.

I found that while speaking with my dear friend, the dark clouds began to dissipate and the sun came out again. We talked about the importance of eating a healthy diet, choosing the right foods, drinking lots of water, getting some exercise daily, etc. Things I already know...but somehow have gotten so far away from. I practiced her principals while she was here and by the end of her visit, not only was my spirit renewed, but I was a miraculous 9 pounds lighter too. I plan to keep up the work I have started and will see where I am this time next year. I am not dieting, but I am making life changes for myself instead.

I start school in about a month and can't wait to get back in the saddle again. By summer, I will be making plans to set up my nutrition consulting business. Things are really looking up indeed. I plan to travel ALONE to Germany next summer for a couple-three weeks. You heard me right, I am going ALONE. No husband, no children. It will be just the thing I need to jump start my new career. I am going to embark on a journey to find myself while I am over there too. We will see if I left her somewhere across the ocean, or if she has been with me all along after all.

Here are some pics of our summer happenings:

F is for FRIENDS, FAMILY & FAITH

When you have a child that has autism, you will need all three of those things in order to survive in life. I love how Jenny McCarthy described in her book, Louder Than Words when someone's child is diagnosed with cancer, they rally around you and grieve with you and cook for you and hold your hand...but when your child is diagnosed with autism...people stop calling you for play dates, dinner and shopping and they avoid you out in public, lose your phone number and they say things like, "she just looks so normal". Yeah, you're right, she DOES look normal, but you aren't with her 24/7 like we are. You aren't there to see the midnight meltdowns and what happens when you feed her food she isn't supposed to have while she is with you (the after effects which are never while she is with you....it's always hours later when it kicks in and usually lasts for DAYS after).

You aren't there when she is on sensory overload kicking and screaming because she wants to wear a dress and there are none clean and nothing else will do and she has verbal barf and looks like Linda Blair from the Exorcist spewing split pea soup. You aren't there to see her cry when she can't make any friends and no one wants to play with her because she is different. You aren't there to see those little things about autism that no one else except her mom, dad and sister know about. That's the part people do not understand. She seems so normal on the outside, doesn't she? That is the part that makes it so difficult for friends and family to understand.

When it comes to friends and family(aka F&F), you have to have a support network of some kind or you will get sucked into the black hole of autism. Autism rules your life and it dictates how every little thing will happen in your daily life. I don't care how good of a dispostition you have, when autism rears it's ugly, ugly head....you better run for the hills or else it will sweep everyone away in it's wake. After a time living like this, it's starts to chip away at your soul...your spirit...your sense of self. You start to lose faith that things are ever going to get better.

Like I said, what families with ASD kids really need in their lives is a great support network. They need people to take one or more of their children overnight so the parents get some together time (soooooo many ASD families end up divorced due to the stress). They need to offer to cook dinner once in awhile for the exhausted moms. They need someone to offer to help them clean and organize their homes (most ASD mommies are too frazzled to organize anything after a time). They need someone to offer to drop by and watch the kids while you run errands for a couple of hours. That's the kind of support you need. What we need is for you to believe us when we say she can't eat wheat and dairy, that we mean it. We need to be trusted that we know our child better than you do and respect our rules when it comes to food. What we need the very most from our F&F's though, is just a shoulder to lean on. ASD parents need to be able to blow off some steam and get out their frustrations (because there are many). I wish the F&F's of ASD families understood these simple gestures. Reaching out to ASD families is all that is needed....for someone to say, "I see you struggling and I am here....what can I do to help"?

Last that brings me to FAITH. Faith is something I have always had until recently. I think that I am so exhausted, so frazzled, so disorganized, so behind, so lost and so empty from autism sucking the life out of me that it's really hard for me see past the mountain of doubt standing before me. I know the way to get the faith hook-up...I just can't seem to get around that dang mountain. When I feel my faith start to slip away, I always begin to isolate myself. I withdraw within. I hide out and feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self-pity. I hate being there. I hate that I am that person...but that's just how I feel right now. I feel like I have no faith that things will ever get better for us. I feel helpless and alone. But as a parent of an ASD child, I have had to have FAITH that all that I have done is worth it. All the heartache,sleepless nights and all the sadness is worth it. My faith is what keeps me from completely sinking under. Even though at times I feel like I am white knuckling it...I know that if I just hang on...God's going to send someone out to dig me a tunnel so that I can get through that stupid mountain. So to all the ASD parent's out there...hang in there and have FAITH! That mountain will move, eventually......

Three Days and calling all friends and family!!

OK, it's early Sunday evening and I have most things in order for my meeting with Senator Lugar's LA after the Rally. I put together a nice little packet of information with some good talking points. I do need to pack, but I can do that tomorrow no problem and we have a late morning departure flight on Tuesday, so there should be no reason for rushing or feeling pinched for time. I am prepared all the way around I guess.

I ask at this time for all my friends and family to gather around me and do whatever it is you choose to do: pray, send good thoughts, send some good karma my way, etc. Tomorrow morning before half of you awaken, I will be on my way to the TV station to do my interview with FOX59. I am pretty nervous all of a sudden. I have no idea why. This is my thing. I feel like God led me here to this point. This is what I do, so why the nerves all of a sudden??? Not sure, but you can bet that I will be on my knees asking God to give me the words I am supposed to say tomorrow. My brother pointed that out to me today. He told me that maybe if I pray about it, then I will say whatever it is I am supposed to say. We shall see. Just gather around me please and lift me up, so that I can feel everyone's energy with me tomorrow.

No, here's a funny for you. Ivy just came tearing around the corner saying, "Daddy's taking us fishing!" Woot! (that means peace and quiet time for me) and she says very matter of fact like, "Jadie found us some big ugly worms outside and we are going fishing with them!!" And then I tell her they are called night crawlers. She looks at me all serious and says, "No, they aren't!!! They are called Alaskan Bull Worms!!!!" So, of course I have to know where a seven year old girl has learned this from....and she replies with a smile, that she learned about them on Sponge Bob Squarepants of course!!!

I love my friends!!!

So often we think we are all alone in life fighting our causes all by ourselves, but if we stop and really think about it...we aren't alone at all. First, there is always God, ever present in Spirit and I know that he is never farther than a prayer from me. Second, there are friends to lean on. I love that saying about friends coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Because it's so true.

I am a people person and I love people from all walks of life. From that love of people, I have gathered myself quite a collection of friends over the years. If I have befriended you, you are usually a friend for life. Some of you may come and go in my life, some of you have remained constant and true and some of you have only just entered. My friends are pulling together for me right now when I need it most. I love all of them and I am proud to call you friend

Life Lessons

Things I have learned recently about life:

1) The media is not your friend...ever...for any reason....the media is the enemy. Never trust the media

2) Patience is a virtue and a lost art.

3) Mean people suck.

4) I am fat.

5) A job is a job and it's income, but family comes first no matter what....even over your job.

6) Sometimes, it's good to reminisce with old friends about old times.

7) God is talking to me all the time, but if I am not listening, then I am not getting His message.

8) Good friends are hard to come by.

9) Our animals know us better than we know ourselves.

10) When the rest of the world treats you crappy, you always have your family...even if they stink sometimes too. :)