The Ghost of Christmas Past

I was thinking about my life this morning and was reminiscing in my mind about all the Christmas' of my past. I was wondering if my children have one significant Christmas that stands out for them like I did as a young girl? There always seems to be the one Christmas that stands out above all others as being the best-christmas-ever. I have always tried to make Christmas a very special day for my girls. Since they were younger, I have always just done the 4 Gifts for Christmas.

The Gift of Warmth, The Gift of Knowledge, The Gift of Love and the The Gift of Joy. I shared the 4 gifts in another post in my blog and that can be found here:

When I say special, I mean while keeping it simple, I make a big deal out of the art of gift wrapping and bows and tags and the delightful presentation of it. I plan for months ahead of time and I thoughtfully decide each gift with all the love I could possibly muster. I have never just bought a gift without putting thought into it. Each gift represents a memory, a laughter, a personality characteristic, etc about the person it's being bought for. I just hope that all the work and effort has paid off in the end. As they are approaching and are in the teenage years, it's getting increasingly hard not to just give them a Gift Card to the mall to please them and be done with it, but I am determined to make it work this year once again. :)

I am just going to come right out and say that Ivy still believes in Santa. Yep, she sure does. Eleven years old she is. I know she is questioning it in her mind, but she refuses to NOT believe. Maybe that is my fault because I was so good about instilling thoughts in the girls minds that the true spirit of Christmas lies in our heart and that maybe she still believes in that. Who am I to tell her differently? right? So for this year, Santa still reigns I guess.

I can say that while I do anticipate a wonderful Christmas this year, I can't help but to be incredibly sad that I have severed my ties with the Christmas' of my past. Feelings of that old familiar guilt has come around to the surface to still haunt me. Christmas will never be the same for my girls. Being pulled in 2 different directions, having to spend half the day with me and half with their Dad. I hate that I am responsible for that. I wonder how long I will persecute myself for my choices? I know this Christmas all I want is for some forgiveness. But more importantly, I pray that I can forgive myself.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night~

The One About My Little Yellow Canary

Yellow is color of sunshine. I like yellow. When I was growing up, my bedroom was painted sunshine yellow. I can remember the sun streaming into my bedroom window and with the walls painted yellow too, I felt like I was in this little cocoon of sunshine all the time. I never wanted to leave my room because in there I felt safe in my yellow space. So, you see, I have always been drawn to the color yellow. What I didn't know then, was how important the color yellow would be to me many years later.

Baby No. 2 came crashing into the world on May 24, 2001. She was perfection. She looked just like my vision and she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. This child came into my life to teach me many lessons here on Earth and she is ultimately what saved me from myself. For fighting her battles became my new normal, my new purpose in life. You can read all about the life of Baby No. 2 throughout my blog (see autism). Her story is too long to include in this post. I just wanted to mention that Baby No. 2 came to save us all from ourselves. She speaks volumes every day. But sadly, people can't hear her beautiful song. We could all learn from her if we could just hear her sweet music. She didn't come alone though either. She came along with many friends from Heaven. One in every 50 children are little yellow canaries now. They are the canaries in the coalmine sent to warn us. And if we can't see them and we can't hear them, then we are headed for big, big trouble. My little yellow canary lets me know two things. One, that we have to stop and take a look at how toxic we have become and two, you have to do something about it. I am still waiting to see the outcome and the fruits of my labor where she is concerned. Not much survived me saving her. And I do considered her saved. I do consider her in remission from her disease. I do considered her healed and doing well.

The stress involved with raising a child with special needs can be tremendous and I have spoken openly here on my blog that I went through Hell and back here on Earth and that my marriage didn't survive the stress. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, I have some. Would I do it over again? Absolutely I would. Do I wish things would have turned out differently? Absolutely I do. But my path was layed out for me long before I walked on it and I just try to remember, that my life is in God's hands, not mine and the He knows where I am going. I try to have faith that things will work out as they are supposed to. But in the meantime, I ever start to feel doubtful, I just look at my beautiful little yellow canary and listen to her sweet melody and I know that life is good and I am right where God wants me to be right now.

My little Yellow Canary

The One When I Was Still Happy

So, I got my Little Bundle of Sunshine and I am living the dream with the Guy in the Zebra Striped Shoes and life is good. What could make our little family better than adding to it right? So, we decided to do just that and when I began officially trying to get pregnant, we didn't have to wait long. Baby Number 2 was on it's way within a month of trying! We were thrilled!! We were excited and couldn't wait to meet our new little package of Love. I didn't need to find out the sex of either baby, because just like in Pregnancy No. 1, I had a vision in Pregnancy No. 2 that predicted me a chubby little girl sitting in the bathtub. She has long dark wavy brown hair and a pudgy little belly sticking out. So, I was having another girl it seemed. That was fine with me since I already had all the girl stuff and already knew all the girl parts. Zebra shoes didn't mind either, as he seemed to like being surrounded by girls.

The very first few years of our lives together, were my most happiest ever. I tried really hard to make things perfect for the three of us. I tried really hard to be someone on the outside other than the person I felt like on the inside. I did a pretty good job at accomplishing both things. Without a doubt, I knew in my heart that my sole purpose in life was to be a mother. If I accomplished nothing else on Earth, I was perfectly ok with that because I was born to be a mother. I was never happier than when I was in my element doing the stay at home mom thing and surrounded by children. I must have either been around a lot of kids, was maybe a teacher or had a lot of children myself in a previous life, because I have always been drawn to kids of all ages from the time I was a little girl myself. I just love kids! And I could not wait to add to my family! Baby No. 2 was coming and I couldn't wait to meet her!

The One About My Sunshine

So, I am pregnant for the third time and wondering what to do with myself. I somehow made it through the first trimester, so I decided that quitting the bar might be a good idea. I didn't want to be pregnant and working in a bar. Yuck! So since I made it through the first trimester, I was starting to maybe have some hope that this time, the pregnancy would make it full term. But I couldn't be too hopeful, not yet anyway. I would not allow myself to look at baby name books, think of nursery themes or to be hopeful concerning anything related to this pregnancy. I just kept holding my breath waiting for the axe to fall. Because I knew it was GOING to fall...it was just a matter of WHEN and HOW it was going to fall. So this is how I went through months 1 through 6 of my pregnancy.

One night, I was about 7 mths pregnant and I was resting my painful back in a warm bath and I was getting kinda of drowsy and just relaxing and talking to the baby growing inside of my belly. All of a sudden, I got this vision from out of nowhere. It was of a little curly headed girl bouncing through a meadow of flowers with a basket in her hand which was full of flowers. I knew right then and there that I was seeing a vision of my unborn child. I was having a girl and she would live to be at least 3 or 4 because that is the age she appeared to be in my vision. That was a unusual experience for sure, but I knew that I was seeing my child. I kept that secret until she was born. On February 2, 1999 at exactly 4:20pm my daughter came bursting into the world at 5lbs and 12 oz. When I first held her, she didn't look ANYTHING like my vision, hahaha! She was teeny, tiny and looked so fragile. But she was beautiful and she was mine and she was like sunshine. I told her father the story of how I knew she was coming and that she would be a girl. We named our little sunshine Jade McKenna.

While in the hospital, holding her and looking at her, I knew that her father and I needed to do the right thing by her and get married. We needed to be her parents in every sense of the word. We needed to be her family. I mean she chose US to her her parents out of the all the people in this world, so we should do the respectful thing and be together as husband and wife for this sweet little piece of Sunshine. I owed that to her. I promised her I would do that for her. So the man with the zebra striped shoes and I began planning a wedding.....

By the way, check out this pitcure and see my little Sunshine for yourself at age 4.

Let's Do This!!

So out of no where, Miss First Born daughter tells me, she has decided that rather than go to GCHS next year, she wants to see if I can send her to Scecina HS instead. SAYWHAT???? Yes, you heard me. Little Miss Independence wants to continue wearing school uniforms for another 4 years apparently. So when I asked her the reason she had changed her mind, she thoughtfully gave me the following answer, "because it's smaller and I don't have to deal with all the drama that will be going on a GC and I won't have to be bullied by the mean girls club". That first born, she is a smart one, isn't she. Man, she is wise for her age. Already knows exactly what she wants and where she is going. She makes me SO proud, I tell ya. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the REAL reason she wants to go to Scecina next year is because two of her good friends are... and a really cute boy she met at the Football game 2 wks ago. So I am kicking it into high gear over Fall Break and doing the research. Let's do this, we can do this. Oh man, life is all of a sudden coming at me at record breaking speed. Next thing I know, I will be filling out college apps.

 

Scecina Memorial High School

Fall Reflection

So October is coming to a close and November is rolling in way too fast for me. November is a hard, hard month for me...still after all these years. November 7th is my dad's birthday and November 14th is the anniversary of the day he left this world for a better place. It's been since 1994. You would think that after all this time, I wouldn't let it get me down. But I do...it's just a little duller the rest of the year. But every November it comes crashing down on me and I reflect of the wonderful moments in my life that he has missed out on. Like my wedding and walking me down the aisle. The birth of my first daughter, then my second. My walk with autism and my never ending crusading. My divorce. It's sad to think he was not able to share in all my joys (and sorrows). I miss him, still after all these years. I wish my kids knew him. No matter what kind of father he was to me, he was a fine grandpa and loved his grandkids with such jolly affection. It was amazing to see him with the grandkids when he was alive. They ALL had him wrapped around their little fingers for sure! I just want to remember him today like that.

Friday Fun Day

QOTD

Ivy: Phil take your socks off

Phil: No, my feet are cold

Ivy: I think you are having a relationship with your socks tonight.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed! That is one funny girl.

Weekend Plans

Lunch with a friend Saturday
Birthday Party for nephew Max, 4th Birthday!!
Relax, relax, relax!

Daily Deal

Get your Riley Days groove on this weekend, weather's going to be beautiful!
What a great weekend for milling around downtown Greenfield, checking out the arts and crafts, eating some fine "festival food" and watching some wonderful entertainment.

Life is Short

Last Thursday, we got the news that Phil's mom had unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 65. What a tailspin of emotions that followed over the next few days. Phil is my honey bun. Having someone die so quickly and so unexpectedly really, really puts things into perspective for you. I have run the gamut of emotions since then. I have been up then down, then all around. I have cried several times. Felt unsure and overwhelmed and questioned everything. Of course losing a parent is never easy and I think that some of the emotional floods that came pouring out was remembering when my own father passed away and the grief and hurt I experienced at that time. Small world that it is, when my Dad retired, he took a part-time job working at the local country club regripping golf clubs and what not. Phil's mom was the club manager at the Country Club and they worked together. So there is that weird kind of connection that our parents had and now they are both gone. I would like to think as much as they both loved to golf, that maybe they are together playing a round of 18 today in Heaven. :)

So lessons learned from this: love the one your with, love openly and often, tell people NOW how you feel about them so there is nothing left to question, be thankful you are alive and well, hug your kids often, make time for your family, make that phone call TODAY not tomorrow and last but not least, lean on your friends and family and most of GOD when you find yourself in this situation. People really DO want to help in some small way. Let them! If you don't then you are stealing your Blessings!

Times they are a changin'...

Bob Dylan's album came out in February of 1964 a full year before I was even born, yet today here in 2001, this song still resonates with me. I especially love this verse:


Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’

It seems the world is moving at record speed all the time now and some days I can't keep up with life. All I want to do is relax for 5 minutes, but something else is always distracting me and my thoughts along that path to relaxation. I think I have lost my ability to focus and become centered. The times they are changing for sure. If I don't get on the boat, looks like I am going to get left behind here. I don't want to be "that mom" that fights with her daughters and has a strained relationship. I want to be open and honest and non judgemental and to love my kids unconditionally. I don't want to get left behind. I know times are changing and want to be able not only understand those changes, but roll with them too!

But how do I shepherd my sweet, little sheep and keep them from straying off when we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes together without disagreeing about something? The stress and strain is wearing me out. She thinks I am so old fashioned. I think I am pretty darn opened minded and forward thinking. She thinks I treat her like a baby. I think I am way too lenient on her. She thinks I don't know good music or fashion. I DO know good music and it's not what she listens to or what she is wearing, ha ha! For now I am just going to PUSH- pray until something happens. What else can I do? I know I am not the first mom to have walked this road, parenting is just never easy, is it? Lord, help me make it through these years to come. I may not make it through them!

Tuesday's Thoughts

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Mondays Child

I love the old Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme Poem called Monday's Child:

Mondays Child

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I have read this poem a thousand times over the years since I was a little girl myself. I never really paid it no mind until today when I read again for the one thousand and first time. I decided to dig a little deeper into the meaning of the lines. I looked up my date of birth and then my girls and here is where we stand:

Me: Tuesdays Child is full of grace

Jade: Wednesdays child is full of woe

Ivy: Thursdays child has far to go

WOW! Did you read that? If not please reread it once more for me! Now I am not so sure about the full of grace for me....but the other two are quite frankly spot on! Unbelievably so!!

When I think of Jade, I do think of woe. She is always so dramatic and life is just so unfair to her. She some days feels like there is so much unjustness in her life that she is the sole bearer of this cross. Of course I just chalk it up to prepubescent HORMONES, but this is helpful in knowing that its her destiny to feel "woebegone" as a general rule. I have to laugh because my nick name for her is "Negative Nelly"...hahaha!

When I think of Ivy, I think how far she has to go yet. I can't help to think of how far she has already come, so her journey is not over so to speak. She was dealt a crappy hand in life, but along the way she has overcome and triumphed like a true champion and her load will be long and there will never be a full recovery, but she can hopefully learn to adjust to life and her surroundings enough to cope on a day to day basis and no one will be the wiser to her "issues" except those that know and love her.

So what's your day of the week and how does it fit into the description of yourself? Drop me a line and let me know!

Thinking it's time to move on...

Yeah I know, haven't posted in EON'S!! I keep thinking I will have the time to update and people keep asking me, why I am not writing anymore??? Well mostly it's a time factor and that so much has happened since my last post that I really don't even know where to begin.

For starters, I started a new job the end of January. I am driving 45 min one way to work and enjoying the hustle bustle of the corporate world. Feel like I am using my brain more than anyone person ever needs to use it. Seems like some days I can hear the nerve endings sizzling inside my head on the drive home. I don't think I am going to have to worry about Alzheimer's any time soon the way this new place makes me use my brain, lol....

The girls are adjusting to mom being gone longer hours with protest. They miss me at their beck and call is more like it. They are not digging my new found independence any or that they are now sharing me with the love of my life, Phil. Seems there are never enough hours in one day to meet everyone's needs. Heavy sigh...

Took the girls fishing last night much to MY protest. I may be a lot of things...but one thing I am not is a fisher woman. I don't like. I don't enjoy it. I don't even eat fish (well tuna maybe)...why would I want to catch one?? But as Phil put it....I went for moral support and to take pics of my cute little girls fishing and having fun. Ok, whatever....next time I think I will opt out for a pedicure instead or fake illness or something. Fishing is for the birds.

TGIF!! I am looking forward to the coming weekend and sharing good times with all five of the girls this week-end. I wonder if Phil and I will ever get to retire with 5 girls to get through college and then married off. Another heavy sigh.....here's hoping you have a wonderful weekend enjoying and doing the things you love most!

BEING THANKFUL

This Thanksgiving, there is just so much to be thankful for in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I took the opportunity today to thank some people on Facebook, by posting a "thankful post" on each person's wall. I told them the exact reason I was thankful for them in my comment. I am a firm believer of telling people how you feel now cuz when you're gone, you can't. Simple fact.

So as I write today about thankfulness, I can't help but feel grateful for all the people in my life that have helped me out this past year. I read through some old posts last night and reading a few of them was downright painful. I remember clearly being in the WalMart parking lot wishing my life was over. I remember clearly calling out to God that night for help. I remember promising to have the courage to change the things I could in order for things to improve in my life. That was scary, but a necessary change.

So many people both near to me and far away from me began praying for me. SO many people reached out to me to lend me a hand, their shoulders, time or money when I needed it most. It's been an incredibly rough 9 mths, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's an exhilarating feeling knowing I did this and I survived. :) So today as I reflect on what I am truly thankful for, I want to remember all those friends and family members who held me up when I couldn't walk on my own. I am so thankful for your presence in my life, soooo thankful for your love that I feel like I could burst wide open with thankfulness!

Here's hoping you have lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving too. Much love <3

Heartbreaker

Well anyone that has a child with autism surely knows that with autism, comes heartache. That's a given. Someone pointed out to me last night that all kids suffer heartache, not just kids with autism. Very true. All kids have been on the receiving end a time or two of someone's bullying. As a parent, you want to protect them from that type of pain, but yet you have to let them learn to fend for themselves because at times, life just isn't fair and they need to learn coping skills for when that happens. For the most part, I let Ivy fight her own battles, only once have I stepped in and shown my claws since she started school. She is an easy target for kids to pick on because she is not only speech delayed, but she is socially delayed as well. She is in the 3rd grade, yet relates best to the kids in kindergarten and 1st grade. That's where she is as far as maturity level, so that's where she best fits in. Nothing wrong with that, except that her typical peers seem to like to call her names like baby and preschooler and the likes.

Which brings me to my point here....last night Ivy had a meltdown. The kind that breaks your heart kind of meltdown. It's amazing to me the things she remembers. She started crying first that she remembered when she was a baby and she was angry and used to slap me and pull my hairand she was sorry for that. I was sort of dumbfounded. I can't believe she really remembers that. She has never expressed to me that she remembers anything about her earlier years, so how was I to know? That thought sent chills down my spine though. If she remembers doing that at age 2, 3, 4, then kids with autism are indeed locked inside just waiting to get out. That's so scary. So she knew all along what she was doing but couldn't control it. That thought is just really, really sad to me. :(

Then that went straight into a course of "no one likes me at school" tirades...that "everyone thinks she is a baby" and "she doesn't have any real friends" and that "the girls in her class don't like her"...which sent her straight into the "I HATE AUTISM AND I DON'T WANT AUTISM ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE ENZYMES AND EAT SPECIAL FOOD, I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS!!!!" tirade. Which left me speechless. And sad. I don't want her to have autism anymore either. I don't want her to have to take meds and supplements and enzymes and eat special food either. I don't want her to be picked on at school and singled out either. All I could do was hold her and rock her and assure her that she was ok and she was a very special person even with her autism. What else can you do? Food for thought though as I make my way through today: Ivy remembers being locked inside....wow, that's amazing!

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Happy Birthday Ivy!

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

What to do , what to do?

Well, I find myself at a crossroad. What to do with myself now? For so long, for so many years all I ever did was eat, sleep and breathe autism and recovery. Now that I no longer need to work so feverishly to save my daughter, now that I no longer have a husband here to argue with, what will I DO with myself?

Enjoy the one on one time with the girls, exercise a little, get a pedicure, eat right, sleep well....in other words do stuff that is going to nourish my soul. Yeah, I can do all those things but I am one of those people that must have something to really believe in, some kind of goal to strive towards. So that is why I ask myself what am I going to with Lisa now?

I think the best way to handle things is to use the KISS method (keep it simple stupid, LOL!). If I just keep it simple and take one day at a time, eventually I will find which road is the right road to travel down. In the meantime, I can enjoy the scenery and take in the sights from standing right here at this nice little crossroad I am standing at.

I wish to thank all the people who have encouraged me in the past month and who have reached out to me to offer up their experience, strength and hope with me as I walk through this difficult time in my life.

Just a quick update on the girls. They are handling this like troopers! Unbelievably well in fact which tells me I made the right move here. We are communicating daily and keeping an open attitude. They are seeing a counselor so they can talk with someone other than mom and dad. In fact, I have already noticed a change in attitude in them both. I think maybe that is my clue that just as much as my husband and I were miserable....they were miserable too. Now that the tension is gone from the house, so is the stress and so is the attitude and misbehaving. They are just doing great. I couldn't be prouder of them and their efforts. I know it's really hard on them, but I think we are going to get through this as a team, or at least I hope so.

Christmas Traditions- The Four Gifts

We are planning on putting up the tree today. Time to drag out the 47 boxes of who knows what and make the tree look pretty. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. It's the one time of year, that I can kind of let go of all the stress in my life and enjoy the season and what it stands for.

Several years ago, we were really, really tight on money for Christmas gifts. To be blunt, there just wasn't any money and I was looking for ways to cut corners and still make the girls' Christmas special. It was during this time that I had conversations with friends that made me realize that Christmas wasn't really about the stuff. It was about being with family, setting traditions, and giving of ourselves that really mattered.

This is when I heard about The Four Gifts for the first time. It was intriguing and we decided to give it try. Since it's inception in this house, we have never looked back. My girls now know what to expect on Christmas morning and there is no disappointment involved. I hope that by doing this tradition, that my girls also learn that it's not about the stuff. Perhaps one day, they will carry this tradition into their own families.

Here is the run down of what The Four Gifts consist of:

The Gift of Warmth: this is usually a new pair of jammies, preferably Christmas themed and/or some cool and funky toes socks, or maybe a new bathrobe, blanket or cozy throw....anything to keep you warm. This gift is opened on Christmas Eve.

The Gift of Knowledge: this gift should be something one can learn from. An educational toy, book or DVD. Maybe something neat like a microscope, telescope, or a kid sized sewing machine....or it can be as simple as a book about Outer Space. Anything that gives them the gift of knowledge.

The Gift of Love: this gift is tricky as it has to be homemade. Something that YOU make and that comes from the heart. Whenever you put your heart, sweat and soul into something, it always means more. I have made throw pillows, doll clothes, fleece blankets, knitted scarves....you get the picture...as long as it is homemade, it comes from love.

The Gift of Joy: this is my favorite. This is usually something bigger and something that will bring the recipient JOY! I usually save this for last. This is the one big thing that is on their list. If you have a little money, then feel free to splurge here. Examples of years past for us were a Nintendo DS, Rose Petal Cottage, an electric scooter, a new bicycle, big huge 3 story Barbie playhouse etc. The sky is the limit where this gift is concerned. If your children are still small and still believe, then this can be left unwrapped and what comes from Santa. (wink, wink)

So I hope someone out there finds this inspirational and tries to instill this tradition in their homes this year. With the economy down in the pits the way it is, it's the perfect time to start downsizing the stuff. Try it, you just might like it. :)

Otis K. took a ride to the Kingdom of Heaven yesterday

Yep, it's true, he did. My grandpa, Otis K. Randel(aka Kenny) quietly left this Earth yesterday at age 96. I am so sad because I know I will never see his smiling face again, but I am so happy that he and my grandma are FINALLY reunited after a year and a half. They are together and they are home. I am just so happy for them both. I tried to picture in my head what it must have felt like for him as he was leaving us all behind. Would he see a bright, white light? Would the faces of those left before him be there to greet him? I'd like to think that he experienced them both. How lucky for him. I am jealous...just a little bit.

I am so fortunate that I had my grandparents as long as did. It's not too often that you can say you were fortunate enough to spend 41 & 43 years with them. I think my Grandpa was ready the day after my Grandma died...but he was a man of faith and he understood that God would bring him home when it was his time. Well, yesterday it was his day and it was a glorius, hot, sunny, summer day. What more could you ask for?

I should have known it was coming. My grandma had been dropping pennies all over the place the last 2 weeks. I knew she was trying to tell me something, but I thought maybe she was just saying, I am here, I see you instead. I mean I knew he was going to die. My grandma visited me in a dream not too long ago. One of those: in color, so vivid you never forget kind of dreams. She hugged me and said, "give your mom a message for me, it's important". I said "ok". Then she very clearly said, "tell your mom to treat her father with love and compassion...the way he has always treated her, because he isn't going to be here much longer, because I am taking him home with me". I said, "but wait....." and as fast as she came into my dream, off she went in a flurry as my alarm clock sounded in my ear next to me. I sat straight up in bed and thought "WHOA!!" But I quickly blew it off....that is until the very next day my mom called me and says your Grandpa is in the hospital. So, I tell my mom about the dream and she tells me that just the night before, Grandpa tells her that a woman was shaking him by the shoulder and woke him up in the middle of the night and he thought is was my grandma. So, it was coming, I knew it. Only you are never prepared for it once it comes.

I will miss you Grandpa...as much as I miss Grandma, but I am so glad you are together again in God's world. See you on the other side one day.

F is for FRIENDS, FAMILY & FAITH

When you have a child that has autism, you will need all three of those things in order to survive in life. I love how Jenny McCarthy described in her book, Louder Than Words when someone's child is diagnosed with cancer, they rally around you and grieve with you and cook for you and hold your hand...but when your child is diagnosed with autism...people stop calling you for play dates, dinner and shopping and they avoid you out in public, lose your phone number and they say things like, "she just looks so normal". Yeah, you're right, she DOES look normal, but you aren't with her 24/7 like we are. You aren't there to see the midnight meltdowns and what happens when you feed her food she isn't supposed to have while she is with you (the after effects which are never while she is with you....it's always hours later when it kicks in and usually lasts for DAYS after).

You aren't there when she is on sensory overload kicking and screaming because she wants to wear a dress and there are none clean and nothing else will do and she has verbal barf and looks like Linda Blair from the Exorcist spewing split pea soup. You aren't there to see her cry when she can't make any friends and no one wants to play with her because she is different. You aren't there to see those little things about autism that no one else except her mom, dad and sister know about. That's the part people do not understand. She seems so normal on the outside, doesn't she? That is the part that makes it so difficult for friends and family to understand.

When it comes to friends and family(aka F&F), you have to have a support network of some kind or you will get sucked into the black hole of autism. Autism rules your life and it dictates how every little thing will happen in your daily life. I don't care how good of a dispostition you have, when autism rears it's ugly, ugly head....you better run for the hills or else it will sweep everyone away in it's wake. After a time living like this, it's starts to chip away at your soul...your spirit...your sense of self. You start to lose faith that things are ever going to get better.

Like I said, what families with ASD kids really need in their lives is a great support network. They need people to take one or more of their children overnight so the parents get some together time (soooooo many ASD families end up divorced due to the stress). They need to offer to cook dinner once in awhile for the exhausted moms. They need someone to offer to help them clean and organize their homes (most ASD mommies are too frazzled to organize anything after a time). They need someone to offer to drop by and watch the kids while you run errands for a couple of hours. That's the kind of support you need. What we need is for you to believe us when we say she can't eat wheat and dairy, that we mean it. We need to be trusted that we know our child better than you do and respect our rules when it comes to food. What we need the very most from our F&F's though, is just a shoulder to lean on. ASD parents need to be able to blow off some steam and get out their frustrations (because there are many). I wish the F&F's of ASD families understood these simple gestures. Reaching out to ASD families is all that is needed....for someone to say, "I see you struggling and I am here....what can I do to help"?

Last that brings me to FAITH. Faith is something I have always had until recently. I think that I am so exhausted, so frazzled, so disorganized, so behind, so lost and so empty from autism sucking the life out of me that it's really hard for me see past the mountain of doubt standing before me. I know the way to get the faith hook-up...I just can't seem to get around that dang mountain. When I feel my faith start to slip away, I always begin to isolate myself. I withdraw within. I hide out and feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self-pity. I hate being there. I hate that I am that person...but that's just how I feel right now. I feel like I have no faith that things will ever get better for us. I feel helpless and alone. But as a parent of an ASD child, I have had to have FAITH that all that I have done is worth it. All the heartache,sleepless nights and all the sadness is worth it. My faith is what keeps me from completely sinking under. Even though at times I feel like I am white knuckling it...I know that if I just hang on...God's going to send someone out to dig me a tunnel so that I can get through that stupid mountain. So to all the ASD parent's out there...hang in there and have FAITH! That mountain will move, eventually......