2011...and I am Living the Dream

LIVING THE DREAM. I decided that this will be my mantra for 2011. After experiencing so much heartache in 2009 and 2010, I need a new out look on life. So in 2011, I will be living the dream, but not just anyone's dream. I will be living MY dream. And if you aren't in my dream, then buddy you better be stepping on out of my way because NOTHING is going to stop me from this being my best year yet!

The thing I love about January is the renewal process and how we get to wipe the slate clean and start fresh each year. I have my list of resolutions (or goals) for 2011. I gave them to the Universe and have set them all free. Here's to hoping I can actually stick to some of them this year and make some really positive changes in my life. :) I have decided not to list them publically this year. I have reasons for this: 1) No need to list them only to break them 2 mths later and 2) hopefully I WON'T break them and you will just notice the changes in me that were on my list ;)

I wish you all a wonderful and Happy New Year!

BEING THANKFUL

This Thanksgiving, there is just so much to be thankful for in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I took the opportunity today to thank some people on Facebook, by posting a "thankful post" on each person's wall. I told them the exact reason I was thankful for them in my comment. I am a firm believer of telling people how you feel now cuz when you're gone, you can't. Simple fact.

So as I write today about thankfulness, I can't help but feel grateful for all the people in my life that have helped me out this past year. I read through some old posts last night and reading a few of them was downright painful. I remember clearly being in the WalMart parking lot wishing my life was over. I remember clearly calling out to God that night for help. I remember promising to have the courage to change the things I could in order for things to improve in my life. That was scary, but a necessary change.

So many people both near to me and far away from me began praying for me. SO many people reached out to me to lend me a hand, their shoulders, time or money when I needed it most. It's been an incredibly rough 9 mths, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's an exhilarating feeling knowing I did this and I survived. :) So today as I reflect on what I am truly thankful for, I want to remember all those friends and family members who held me up when I couldn't walk on my own. I am so thankful for your presence in my life, soooo thankful for your love that I feel like I could burst wide open with thankfulness!

Here's hoping you have lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving too. Much love <3

Happy Birthday Ivy!

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. 44 years young. Last year was not the best year in my life. In fact, it was quite possibly the crappiest year I have ever had. It brought much pain and heartache with it. All wasn't bad though. I did make it to Washington DC and was part of history making and for that I will always be grateful. I am hoping with all of my heart that this year will bring much happiness to me.

I know there are huge changes just on the horizon for me, but I am not going to be sad and mope around about it. I am going to be happy, positive and move forward. I will be ok. I have friends and family that love and support me. Happy Birthday to me!

As Bob Marley says,

Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

I have found Christmas!

When I last posted, I was off on a journey to find Christmas because Christmas hadn't come to me yet. Last night after dinner with some girlfriends, I was thinking about the fact that I had *found* Christmas. Well, to be honest, I hadn't really *found* it at all, what I did find was that Christmas was with me all along already. :)

Then this morning I received the nicest email ever from an old school mate and neighbor of mine (yes Ken, I am outing you). It just reiterated to me that I indeed had Christmas with me all along. Thanks so much for your too kind words Ken. You'll never know when you might find yourself posted right smack dab in the middle of my blog!

So this is where I found Christmas this week. I saw it in my children's faces as they sang with joy at the annual Christmas play. I saw it in my friend Susan who sends me daily emails of encouragement and tells me how much she enjoys my journey. I saw it in my friend Beth who had a jeans day fundraiser in her office this month and donated the money to us so my girls could have Christmas- you are the best, I swear. I saw it in my mom who is always there to bail me out when I need her. I saw it in my brother who provided Ed with a side job that will more than make up for him not working the past 4 weeks. I saw it in the tender heart of my niece Alexis, who just needs someone she can rely on every day, day in and day out. I saw it in my good friends Carol and Kelly who I had dinner with last night and it reminds me that they have stood by me in good times and bad and they never judge me. I saw it in my online friends who constantly support and love me and probably know me better than my *in real life* friends because I tell them things I am too embarrassed to admit to my real friends. I saw it in my husband who despite the fact that we struggle so much, does everything he does just to please me and to extract a smile from my face or a loving acknowledgment that I see what he is doing. I saw it in our good friends the Livingston's, who set the standard for our family, in that they are a true living example of what a Christian family should be. When I grow up, I wanna be just like you guys!

So, the Christmas Spirit is with me already in all the people that I encounter every day. It's in my new friends and old friends and even in total strangers that come across this blog. If we look deep enough inside ourselves, I think we all find that the true Spirit of Christmas lies within us all....the question is, do we recognize it? Some will and some won't...and them some of us need that pointed out to us (wink, wink).

I'm not really feelin' Christmas

You heard me right....just not feelin' it. I LOVE Christmas. It's my most favorite time of the year. Maybe it's the sinking economy, maybe I am depressed, but I am just having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit.

Just yesterday, I FINALLY got my tree put up and the house decorated. I can't believe how long it took me to reluctantly drag this stuff out of the attic and get it done. Now that it's up and everything is looking all festive, I am still not feeling it. It looks pretty and sparkly on the outside, but I am not feelin' it on the inside.

I also admit, that I have not bought one single thing for Christmas this year. I am finding it hard to spend money when there are bills to be paid and Ed hasn't worked in 3 weeks due to the unseasonably cold and early winter we have had dumped in our laps. Every day, I watch the news and all I hear is that everywhere, everyone is afraid to spend their money with the economy in the crapper like it is. Well, I secretly confess, I am one of those people.

So, this week, I am off on a personal journey to find the meaning of Christmas in my heart. If Christmas isn't coming to me, then I am going to have to go find Christmas and bring it home. I have a strange feeling that I won't have to look very far. I promise to report back to you and let you know of my findings.

Christmas Traditions- The Four Gifts

We are planning on putting up the tree today. Time to drag out the 47 boxes of who knows what and make the tree look pretty. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. It's the one time of year, that I can kind of let go of all the stress in my life and enjoy the season and what it stands for.

Several years ago, we were really, really tight on money for Christmas gifts. To be blunt, there just wasn't any money and I was looking for ways to cut corners and still make the girls' Christmas special. It was during this time that I had conversations with friends that made me realize that Christmas wasn't really about the stuff. It was about being with family, setting traditions, and giving of ourselves that really mattered.

This is when I heard about The Four Gifts for the first time. It was intriguing and we decided to give it try. Since it's inception in this house, we have never looked back. My girls now know what to expect on Christmas morning and there is no disappointment involved. I hope that by doing this tradition, that my girls also learn that it's not about the stuff. Perhaps one day, they will carry this tradition into their own families.

Here is the run down of what The Four Gifts consist of:

The Gift of Warmth: this is usually a new pair of jammies, preferably Christmas themed and/or some cool and funky toes socks, or maybe a new bathrobe, blanket or cozy throw....anything to keep you warm. This gift is opened on Christmas Eve.

The Gift of Knowledge: this gift should be something one can learn from. An educational toy, book or DVD. Maybe something neat like a microscope, telescope, or a kid sized sewing machine....or it can be as simple as a book about Outer Space. Anything that gives them the gift of knowledge.

The Gift of Love: this gift is tricky as it has to be homemade. Something that YOU make and that comes from the heart. Whenever you put your heart, sweat and soul into something, it always means more. I have made throw pillows, doll clothes, fleece blankets, knitted scarves....you get the picture...as long as it is homemade, it comes from love.

The Gift of Joy: this is my favorite. This is usually something bigger and something that will bring the recipient JOY! I usually save this for last. This is the one big thing that is on their list. If you have a little money, then feel free to splurge here. Examples of years past for us were a Nintendo DS, Rose Petal Cottage, an electric scooter, a new bicycle, big huge 3 story Barbie playhouse etc. The sky is the limit where this gift is concerned. If your children are still small and still believe, then this can be left unwrapped and what comes from Santa. (wink, wink)

So I hope someone out there finds this inspirational and tries to instill this tradition in their homes this year. With the economy down in the pits the way it is, it's the perfect time to start downsizing the stuff. Try it, you just might like it. :)

My Christmas Gift to all my friends this year.....

This year, I am giving away free carbon offsets for one day to all my cyber friends, since we suck up so much energy being on the computer all the time. :)

Please click the link below to claim your gift. Together we can change the world. All I ask is that you pay it forward and pass on the offsets!! Hurry because I only have 25 gifts to share.

Lisa's Famous Pumpkin Pie

I love pumpkin pie. I could eat a whole pie myself. I swear! It's the total truth. I have done it many a times over the years. There is nothing like a slice of cold pumpkin pie drenched in Cool Whip, eaten for days after Thanksgiving is over.

Anyway, several years ago, I ran across a pumpkin pie recipe that rocks this world. I found it in Country America magazine, dated October 1991, so you know this recipe is OLD. You should see the page. It has splatters of pumpkin and who knows what else on it and it's all faded because every year, I faithfully drag my little recipe out to dutifully make my pies for Thanksgiving Day.

So, without further ado, here it is to share with you:

Lisa's Famous Pumpkin Pie

1-29 ounce can pumpkin
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/3 cup honey
1 tbsp cornstarch
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp ground ginger
dash of ground cloves
3 large eggs
1 to 2 12-oz cans evaporated milk-you may extra for the right consistency
1 tbsp melted margarine
1/2 tsp vanilla

Combine pumpkin, brown sugar, honey, cornstarch, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg, ginger and cloves in a mixing bowl. Add eggs. Beat lightly with a rotary beater or a fork.

Stir in evaporated milk and margarine; mix well. Pour into two unbaked 9" pie shells.

Cover edges with foil. Bake at 375 degrees oven for 25 minutes. Remove the foil. Bake about 25 minutes more. Cool. Cover and chill to store. Makes 2 pies.

Notes: I like to use Farmer's Market Organic pumpkin, but you can use whatever brand you like best. I also use all organic ingredients if possible. Also, you can either make your pie crusts, buy the Pillsbury roll out dough, or buy the frozen pre-made shells in the freezer section. I have made them all three that way. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Menu

So, where is everyone going for Thanksgiving? I normally cook and have people to my house, but this year, I don't think we will have any company. It looks like it's just going to be the four of us. It doesn't matter. I will still knock myself out to provide a fantabulous meal for my little family. I want to create memories, so that my children will undertand the importance of families being together and traditions and Thankfulness.

Jade is already excited about which cooking projects she will be helping me with this year. I think she wants to take on the pumpkin & apple pies Wednesday night before and she has already called deviled eggs. She loves to get in the kitchen as much as I do. She gets in honestly. :)

So, here is my menu:

Turkey Breast (with just 4 of us, I decided a turkey was too much and no one likes dark meat in my house, so....)
Homemade stuffing (none of the boxed stuff)
Homemade Noodles
Mashed Potatoes
Fresh Corn (from the local orchard)
Stuffed Celery Deviled Eggs
Homemade Yeast Rolls
Pumpkin Pies
Apple Caramel Crisp Pie

Later this week, I will post all my secret recipes for my stuff. LOL!! :)

FALLING in love with FALL

I love Fall. I love that we are having a beautiful Indian Summer here in Indiana. The forecast for Halloween was wonderful. We trick-or-treated in the nice cool, crisp early evening air. Not too cold, just right. No need for winter jackets underneath their costumes either, LOL.

Fall means pulling out your sweaters and making pots of chili and veggie soup. I love the leaves changing colors on the trees in my yard. I hate raking them however...who likes raking leaves??? It means you start thinking about Christmas and what's on your list for Santa. It means clearing out the clutter before the holidays. Yes, I love Fall. I forgot how much I love Fall.

I think I'll pull out an old sweater, curl up with a good book, light my pumpkin spice candle, make a pot of Hamburger Soup and let Fall hang around this year.
Tomorrow I will post my recipe for Hamburger Soup. :)

NINE days until DC~~

I can't wait. I am exhausted as I have been working well into the wee hours of the night on gathering pertinent information to take with us. I am building a nice case here. I will probably bore the Senator's aid to death. And I hope that she will take the time to actually READ the information I leave for her. I managed to contact ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX today and emailed them asking if they would join us in Washington DC for the Rally. I also wrote AGAIN to the local newspaper. I am hoping to get someone to do a story about the Rally. I am just going to keep squeaking, because you know what they say about the squeaky wheel, right?

Anyway, enough Rally talk. Today is Memorial Day and I just wanted to remember all the lovely people in my life that are no longer with me. I love all of you and I miss you.

In Loving Memory:

My 2 Angels in Heaven
My Dad Brian
My Step Dad Phil
My Grandma Kate
My Grandma Vera
My Aunt Nell
My Aunt Geneva
My Nanny
My Brother Richie
My Step Grandparents
My Friend Curt
My Friend Ed
My Friend Gerald
My Friend Mary
My Friend Paul

Happy Birthday Ivy Doodle

That 's been Ivy's nickname since she was born. Well that and a plethora of other names like: Ivy Doo, Ivy B the Bumble Bee, Ivy Dozer, Dozer, Doo, Poison Ivy, Ive, Ivester, Vee, Punkin, Sissy Sue ....oh heck I could go on forever I guess. I never call my kids by their real names hardly it seems.

Well, today my little ray of sunshine is SEVEN years old. I can't believe it. It's just seems like she isn't my baby anymore, even though she will always be my baby due to birth order. I wish I could report that today was all roses and sunshine, but it wasn't. What started out to be the most normal birthday ever, turned very ugly about 4:00 pm today and boy did it ever get ugly.

We started the day off with some birthday pictures outside on this beautiful day. Took Ivy to the store to spend her birthday money and she decided she wanted a new bike. She has always had a Jade hand-me-down...so what the heck. With her birthday money, she was able to buy a new bike from WalMart for $60.00 woo hoo!!! It's so cute.

Next, we went to a Popsicle party at her teachers house for end of the year. All her classmates were there, so we took cupcakes to the party and sang Happy Birthday to her there. She did really well there. I let her have two cupcakes and that is probably where the bridge collapsed, but it was her BIRTHDAY darn it and I just wanted her to have a normal birthday like all the other kids have. I knew there would be hell to pay later and I was right.

We got home and that is where the trouble began. She just started crying and throwing a fit and I was just having such a hard time trying to get her calmed down. She was really, really worked up. I guess it was the wheat and AND sugar combo that sent her over the edge. She had about 5 0r 6 Popsicles and that stuff is nothing but frozen fructose corn syrup. Ivy and FCS don't blend well together. Add in the crap from the cupcakes and you have got yourself one really angry little girl. She was yelling at me, I am losing my autism and you caused it!!! I think she was trying to say that her autism was flaring up...is that possible?? I am not sure what else she meant by that. She knows when she is on wheat overload and it makes her very disagreeable and she does not like feeling that way and she is always very remorseful for her bad behavior, but can't seem to control the rage while on a wheat high.

It's my fault for letting her have all that stuff, but I just wanted for things to seem normal for her day. I ended up losing my patience with her and went off to pout in the bedroom and fell asleep and took a little nap. When I woke up 2 hours later, she did seem better, but was still pretty grouchy. Mommy's bad Ivy. I am the parent and I should have not let you had all the stuff at the party. Note to self: next year monitor what goes into her mouth a LOT closer.

Anyway, I prefer to remember her excitement from this morning about it being her day and I will forget and forgive the rest of the day. Happy Birthday to my sweet little Ivy. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day to me......

I have always, always loved life and all that life has had to offer me. I thought I knew what living was all about until I had children. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved children, I just never had my own until I was well into my 30's, so by that time, I was pretty settled into single life and single living.

I am the type person, who HAS GOT to have breathing room and her own space or I will suffocate. When I became a mother, I wanted desperately to cling to my children, but desperately needed air as well. I love my children with every ounce of my being, but sometimes, I just need to *be* alone and centered so that I can be the best Mom to them that I can. I need silence so I can recharge my energies. I need to be alone, so that I can be one with myself.

My kids are cranky today and it's never quiet here. Quiet and autism don't belong in the same sentence I guess. I know if Ivy only understood how much I need silence, she would give it to me, but she doesn't. Noise and screaming and bad behavior is communication for her. It's how she tells me something is wrong, something is making her uncomfortable. I long for quiet days, but as a mother, I know, that the noise only lasts a short while and then they will leave me for good and I will fear that silence and long for the days of noise.

My dear sweet Jade, that poor baby, has to endure SO MUCH as a result of being Ivy's sibling. I can't blame her half the time for being disagreeable. Sometimes, the pressure is just sooooo intense that you just blow. You have to release it somehow and somewhere. Bless her little heart for being such a great big sister. I don't want you to think that it's always bad here all the time, because we have some happy and joyous times together, but they are only small little snippets of happiness sprinkled here and there throughout our days. I am so glad that I am a Mom and so proud to bear the title.

My girls have such endearing qualities each unique to their own selves. Jade is happy and sings without abandon, she dances and prances all over the house. She can't sit still and she is ever the explorer seeking out the next adventure. She loves art and theater, dancing, singing and music. She has a vivid imagination and daydreams a lot. She is tender hearted and thoughtful and so brave. She is fiercely independent always wants to do things herself and her own way. She doesn't let me hold her much or make over her and fuss about her and squeeze her or shower her with kisses. She is already off in her own little world thinking about what she can do next. Sometimes, at night, she let's me snuggle with her when she is tired....only then will she let me hold her, when she is at the point of exhaustion, she let's go in my arms. I live for those moments.

Ivy, is the exact opposite from Jade. She has eyes that can penetrate your soul. You can look into them and see forever. It's so hard to remember how happy and jolly she was as a baby before autism stole her from me. She lived in a dark world for a long time before I began to see the sparkle in her eyes again. She had no words for so long, no way to communicate other than crying, kicking and screaming. I was lucky in that most children with autism are not affectionate. God left for me that small little trait inside her. I think He knew that if she had no expression of love for me, that I wouldn't have that seed of hope for her healing. But she loves like no other child I have known. She hugs you and when you are hugged by her, you just know that she is hugging you with all that she is. You can feel it shoot straight to the middle of your heart. She squeezes you so tight and you just know, she is saying with her arms what her mouth can't say and her head doesn't quite understand. Ivy loves to sing and has a beautiful voice for such a young person. She never strays too far from me and loves to have me in her sight for extra reassurance that she is okay. She loves to swing and run and play and laugh. She loves to be tickled and chased and made over and babied. She is fiercely jealous and wants my attention or else. She loves to color and she loves school and learns so fast. Every day she amazes me as she conquers another step in her road to recovery.

Yes, I am one lucky Mother not just today, but everyday. Happy Mother's Day to me. I love, therefore, I am......woman, creator, nurturer, advocate, shepherd and best of all a MOTHER.....

Happy Nurse's Day!

To all the nurse's everywhere around the world...this is for you!

Happy Easter

Well, what a whirl wind of a day here. We started out late to church and ended up with no seat in the pews and kneeling on the hard floor, LOL!! But church was beautiful today and the girls looked so cute in their Easter dresses. Afterwards, we elected to eat out, b/c I just didn't feel like cooking today (what's new). That's always nice when hubby offers to take us out!

So, the rest of the day was spent, playing and lounging and just having fun. The girls have been playing amazingly well together today and hubby took a nap and it is so QUIET in the house, that I decided to catch up on emails and blogging and such.

Well, it seems that I have spoken too soon, because I can hear quiet a commotion coming from the down the hall from Jade's room and it sounds like the Battle Royale!!

Just when I think that maybe, just maybe, things are going to be smooth for a change something always happens to make me remember that the word *smooth* just doesn't exist in Ivy's vocabulary.

I am exhausted just thinking about the battle. Life has been pretty chaotic lately and I don't think I can bare to have much more stress in my life right now. The fighting between the girls, the lousy work conditions, and Ed not working due to inclimate weather has just about sent me straight over the edge.

Here's hoping that the new week brings much hope and peace to my life. I would like to think that with it being Easter and all that God will resurrect me from my pitiful state of being right now. That would be so comforting.

I keep hearing the words to Aretha Franklin singing....Rescue me...oh take me in your arms....Rescue Me.....can't you see that I'm LONELY!!

Ah well, just another day in this crazy so called life of mine. If it's all the same with you, I'll just keep trudging along the road to happy destiny.

Love and Peace,

Lisa

So I survived my birthday....

It's official, I am another year older and surely another year wiser....I survived my wonderful 43rd Birthday. My day was spent at the girls' school carnival as I manned a game called Kerplunk...much like Plinko on The Price Is Right. I got bored and started giving 2 tokes for every blue slot and boy did my line ever grow! I think the kids decided they could earn more tokens at my booth than anywhere else, so they came...and came....and came!!

Ok, ok...so I was cheating...a little...but it was my birthday and I really didn't care. Carnivals are such money rip offs anyway, right? It was just an extra token here and there to cash in on those rip-off prizes they have. So I helped a lot of kids get a BIGGER prize....it's all good I swear.

Ivy even won a cake for me in the cake walk, so it was a perfect day I guess. The girls sang the Happy Birthday song to me and that always make me smile to hear them sing to me. Ed, on the other hand is in the dog house for an undetermined amount of time for making no plans and not even acknowledging my birthday with a stinking card. I think it's doubtful that he will ever forget another BD again. (wink, wink).

The past week at work was about as stressful as it can get. Illness is running rampant through our school system and I saw a whole lotta sick kids this week. I am finding it hard to keep myself well when all I do is see sick kids all day long. My immune system went kaput on Friday and I have been sick ever since. I am trying hard to recoup by Monday, but right now, it's now looking so good. So this weekend, I am literally healing thyself in the physical sense, not just the mental, LOL!! Right now I am eating my oatmeal, typing this update and laying in bed. I plan to be here all day long. Whatever it takes, right? RIGHT!!!

My husband rented me a couple of movies to watch, so I got plenty to do right here in my bed, yeah!!!! After his mess up last weekend forgetting my birthday, I got a few *in bed Sundays* to cash in for the entire next year.

So, here's hoping we all have a better week, than last and that we can get and then STAY healthy.

Peace, love and brotherhood baby!