The Ghost of Christmas Past

I was thinking about my life this morning and was reminiscing in my mind about all the Christmas' of my past. I was wondering if my children have one significant Christmas that stands out for them like I did as a young girl? There always seems to be the one Christmas that stands out above all others as being the best-christmas-ever. I have always tried to make Christmas a very special day for my girls. Since they were younger, I have always just done the 4 Gifts for Christmas.

The Gift of Warmth, The Gift of Knowledge, The Gift of Love and the The Gift of Joy. I shared the 4 gifts in another post in my blog and that can be found here:

When I say special, I mean while keeping it simple, I make a big deal out of the art of gift wrapping and bows and tags and the delightful presentation of it. I plan for months ahead of time and I thoughtfully decide each gift with all the love I could possibly muster. I have never just bought a gift without putting thought into it. Each gift represents a memory, a laughter, a personality characteristic, etc about the person it's being bought for. I just hope that all the work and effort has paid off in the end. As they are approaching and are in the teenage years, it's getting increasingly hard not to just give them a Gift Card to the mall to please them and be done with it, but I am determined to make it work this year once again. :)

I am just going to come right out and say that Ivy still believes in Santa. Yep, she sure does. Eleven years old she is. I know she is questioning it in her mind, but she refuses to NOT believe. Maybe that is my fault because I was so good about instilling thoughts in the girls minds that the true spirit of Christmas lies in our heart and that maybe she still believes in that. Who am I to tell her differently? right? So for this year, Santa still reigns I guess.

I can say that while I do anticipate a wonderful Christmas this year, I can't help but to be incredibly sad that I have severed my ties with the Christmas' of my past. Feelings of that old familiar guilt has come around to the surface to still haunt me. Christmas will never be the same for my girls. Being pulled in 2 different directions, having to spend half the day with me and half with their Dad. I hate that I am responsible for that. I wonder how long I will persecute myself for my choices? I know this Christmas all I want is for some forgiveness. But more importantly, I pray that I can forgive myself.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night~

The One About My Little Yellow Canary

Yellow is color of sunshine. I like yellow. When I was growing up, my bedroom was painted sunshine yellow. I can remember the sun streaming into my bedroom window and with the walls painted yellow too, I felt like I was in this little cocoon of sunshine all the time. I never wanted to leave my room because in there I felt safe in my yellow space. So, you see, I have always been drawn to the color yellow. What I didn't know then, was how important the color yellow would be to me many years later.

Baby No. 2 came crashing into the world on May 24, 2001. She was perfection. She looked just like my vision and she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. This child came into my life to teach me many lessons here on Earth and she is ultimately what saved me from myself. For fighting her battles became my new normal, my new purpose in life. You can read all about the life of Baby No. 2 throughout my blog (see autism). Her story is too long to include in this post. I just wanted to mention that Baby No. 2 came to save us all from ourselves. She speaks volumes every day. But sadly, people can't hear her beautiful song. We could all learn from her if we could just hear her sweet music. She didn't come alone though either. She came along with many friends from Heaven. One in every 50 children are little yellow canaries now. They are the canaries in the coalmine sent to warn us. And if we can't see them and we can't hear them, then we are headed for big, big trouble. My little yellow canary lets me know two things. One, that we have to stop and take a look at how toxic we have become and two, you have to do something about it. I am still waiting to see the outcome and the fruits of my labor where she is concerned. Not much survived me saving her. And I do considered her saved. I do consider her in remission from her disease. I do considered her healed and doing well.

The stress involved with raising a child with special needs can be tremendous and I have spoken openly here on my blog that I went through Hell and back here on Earth and that my marriage didn't survive the stress. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, I have some. Would I do it over again? Absolutely I would. Do I wish things would have turned out differently? Absolutely I do. But my path was layed out for me long before I walked on it and I just try to remember, that my life is in God's hands, not mine and the He knows where I am going. I try to have faith that things will work out as they are supposed to. But in the meantime, I ever start to feel doubtful, I just look at my beautiful little yellow canary and listen to her sweet melody and I know that life is good and I am right where God wants me to be right now.

My little Yellow Canary

The One About My Sunshine

So, I am pregnant for the third time and wondering what to do with myself. I somehow made it through the first trimester, so I decided that quitting the bar might be a good idea. I didn't want to be pregnant and working in a bar. Yuck! So since I made it through the first trimester, I was starting to maybe have some hope that this time, the pregnancy would make it full term. But I couldn't be too hopeful, not yet anyway. I would not allow myself to look at baby name books, think of nursery themes or to be hopeful concerning anything related to this pregnancy. I just kept holding my breath waiting for the axe to fall. Because I knew it was GOING to fall...it was just a matter of WHEN and HOW it was going to fall. So this is how I went through months 1 through 6 of my pregnancy.

One night, I was about 7 mths pregnant and I was resting my painful back in a warm bath and I was getting kinda of drowsy and just relaxing and talking to the baby growing inside of my belly. All of a sudden, I got this vision from out of nowhere. It was of a little curly headed girl bouncing through a meadow of flowers with a basket in her hand which was full of flowers. I knew right then and there that I was seeing a vision of my unborn child. I was having a girl and she would live to be at least 3 or 4 because that is the age she appeared to be in my vision. That was a unusual experience for sure, but I knew that I was seeing my child. I kept that secret until she was born. On February 2, 1999 at exactly 4:20pm my daughter came bursting into the world at 5lbs and 12 oz. When I first held her, she didn't look ANYTHING like my vision, hahaha! She was teeny, tiny and looked so fragile. But she was beautiful and she was mine and she was like sunshine. I told her father the story of how I knew she was coming and that she would be a girl. We named our little sunshine Jade McKenna.

While in the hospital, holding her and looking at her, I knew that her father and I needed to do the right thing by her and get married. We needed to be her parents in every sense of the word. We needed to be her family. I mean she chose US to her her parents out of the all the people in this world, so we should do the respectful thing and be together as husband and wife for this sweet little piece of Sunshine. I owed that to her. I promised her I would do that for her. So the man with the zebra striped shoes and I began planning a wedding.....

By the way, check out this pitcure and see my little Sunshine for yourself at age 4.

Let's Do This!!

So out of no where, Miss First Born daughter tells me, she has decided that rather than go to GCHS next year, she wants to see if I can send her to Scecina HS instead. SAYWHAT???? Yes, you heard me. Little Miss Independence wants to continue wearing school uniforms for another 4 years apparently. So when I asked her the reason she had changed her mind, she thoughtfully gave me the following answer, "because it's smaller and I don't have to deal with all the drama that will be going on a GC and I won't have to be bullied by the mean girls club". That first born, she is a smart one, isn't she. Man, she is wise for her age. Already knows exactly what she wants and where she is going. She makes me SO proud, I tell ya. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the REAL reason she wants to go to Scecina next year is because two of her good friends are... and a really cute boy she met at the Football game 2 wks ago. So I am kicking it into high gear over Fall Break and doing the research. Let's do this, we can do this. Oh man, life is all of a sudden coming at me at record breaking speed. Next thing I know, I will be filling out college apps.

 

Scecina Memorial High School

Friday Fun Day

QOTD

Ivy: Phil take your socks off

Phil: No, my feet are cold

Ivy: I think you are having a relationship with your socks tonight.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed! That is one funny girl.

Weekend Plans

Lunch with a friend Saturday
Birthday Party for nephew Max, 4th Birthday!!
Relax, relax, relax!

Daily Deal

Get your Riley Days groove on this weekend, weather's going to be beautiful!
What a great weekend for milling around downtown Greenfield, checking out the arts and crafts, eating some fine "festival food" and watching some wonderful entertainment.

Times they are a changin'...

Bob Dylan's album came out in February of 1964 a full year before I was even born, yet today here in 2001, this song still resonates with me. I especially love this verse:


Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’

It seems the world is moving at record speed all the time now and some days I can't keep up with life. All I want to do is relax for 5 minutes, but something else is always distracting me and my thoughts along that path to relaxation. I think I have lost my ability to focus and become centered. The times they are changing for sure. If I don't get on the boat, looks like I am going to get left behind here. I don't want to be "that mom" that fights with her daughters and has a strained relationship. I want to be open and honest and non judgemental and to love my kids unconditionally. I don't want to get left behind. I know times are changing and want to be able not only understand those changes, but roll with them too!

But how do I shepherd my sweet, little sheep and keep them from straying off when we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes together without disagreeing about something? The stress and strain is wearing me out. She thinks I am so old fashioned. I think I am pretty darn opened minded and forward thinking. She thinks I treat her like a baby. I think I am way too lenient on her. She thinks I don't know good music or fashion. I DO know good music and it's not what she listens to or what she is wearing, ha ha! For now I am just going to PUSH- pray until something happens. What else can I do? I know I am not the first mom to have walked this road, parenting is just never easy, is it? Lord, help me make it through these years to come. I may not make it through them!

Jade

I have just felt compelled to write about Jade for the past 2 days. I mean she has really been boring a hole in my brain. The though of her being sad is burning through my heart. I had the most gut wrenching heart to heart talk with her before she went to California to visit my mom and it's just weighing so heavy on my heart, still...10 days after the fact. Bless her little beautiful soul. She is one amazing kid and quite simply I just don't let her know that as often as I should. In fact, if they were giving out mother of the year awards this week, I would not only get nominated for world's worst mom, but I would win too. Hands down with no competition. I am ashamed to say that I have failed her greatly.

Everything and I mean everything in this house revolves around Ivy. Jade feels so left behind. She said some very frank and very true statements to me last week. It was enough of a jolt that I was left speechless and for those of you that know me well, that is not a common occurrence. For 10 long days I have been tossing her sad little words around in my head and then bouncing them off my heart and then only to return them back to my head for another go around. I just keep hearing the words repeat over and over again, "you ALWAYS put Ivy before me". She said many other things to me that day too that hurt, but she really drove it home with that up there^. And you know what? She is 100% right....I do.

The only way that I know how to remember all her wonderful qualities is to reflect upon them. Writing is the one way I can express those feelings and thoughts that I have about her. There's no time like the present to start writing, so here goes nothing...

My Jade is 12 years old. She is stuck in that really hard "tween" stage. Struggling with herself that she is no longer a little girl, but not yet a big girl either. She is a hard worker in school and strives to please her teachers. She makes you laugh and her sense of humor is hysterical. She loves to make other people laugh. She is multi-talented for sure. She can sing so beautifully and not afraid to sing to a crowd. She loves to act and sing and dance. She loves to write play scripts, direct them, record them, mix and edit them and then upload them. Those are just a few of the little things that make up her very complex little personality.

The thing I love most about Jade is that even though most days she can't stand her sister, she is the first one to stand up for her and watches over her like a momma hen watches over her chicks.

She is fiercely passionate about things she loves just like me. She has lots of friends and kinda known as being different and even though she doesn't like that, I do...because the means I have taught her to be her own person and not cave to conformity. She beats to the tune of her own drum. And that drums takes her to far away places in her mind. She has the most amazing imagination. She can dream anything and imagine more than most. I have always had this vision of Jade being something really big one day. She is such a little humanitarian and she doesn't even realize it. Her love for all animals is simply unbelievable, she is like some special kind of gifted animal whisperer. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and I think she would make a fine one for sure. People who loves animals like the way Jade loves them have a special place in Heaven waiting for them for sure. So those are a few things about Jade that makes her such a special young lady.

The thing I need to figure out now is how to break the current cycle we have entered now? She is very angry with me over the divorce and she blames me. Although one day she will fully understand that one person doesn't end a relationship, that it takes two, I am not sure I am going to survive her wrath in the meantime. I am not asking for her to understand complex adult issues, but I could sure use a break from her constant slinging of insults, hurtful comments and outright defiance most days. How do I get back to where we used to be? I am taking her to see a counselor and I am willing to do whatever leg work that it takes to make this better for us both. I know she is miserable too and maybe she just lashes out at me because she knows that I will always love her no matter what she says to me. All I know is that I want my little Jadie Bug back so we can start living and stop the fighting. I give...I raise my white flag! God help us get back to where we need to be please.

Tuesday's Thoughts

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Mondays Child

I love the old Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme Poem called Monday's Child:

Mondays Child

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I have read this poem a thousand times over the years since I was a little girl myself. I never really paid it no mind until today when I read again for the one thousand and first time. I decided to dig a little deeper into the meaning of the lines. I looked up my date of birth and then my girls and here is where we stand:

Me: Tuesdays Child is full of grace

Jade: Wednesdays child is full of woe

Ivy: Thursdays child has far to go

WOW! Did you read that? If not please reread it once more for me! Now I am not so sure about the full of grace for me....but the other two are quite frankly spot on! Unbelievably so!!

When I think of Jade, I do think of woe. She is always so dramatic and life is just so unfair to her. She some days feels like there is so much unjustness in her life that she is the sole bearer of this cross. Of course I just chalk it up to prepubescent HORMONES, but this is helpful in knowing that its her destiny to feel "woebegone" as a general rule. I have to laugh because my nick name for her is "Negative Nelly"...hahaha!

When I think of Ivy, I think how far she has to go yet. I can't help to think of how far she has already come, so her journey is not over so to speak. She was dealt a crappy hand in life, but along the way she has overcome and triumphed like a true champion and her load will be long and there will never be a full recovery, but she can hopefully learn to adjust to life and her surroundings enough to cope on a day to day basis and no one will be the wiser to her "issues" except those that know and love her.

So what's your day of the week and how does it fit into the description of yourself? Drop me a line and let me know!

Time flies when you're having fun

So, I last posted in APRIL...are you serious? And I made a promise that I was going to keep up with the writing for the simple fact that it's sooo therapeutic. Guess times flies when you're having fun, eh?

Seems like the days and nights just come so quickly these days, the next thing you know it's been a month, then two, then three and so on. This job of mine is time consuming, but I am starting to find my groove. We continue to grow, expand and continue to hire and in today's economy, that's a very good thing. I am so fortunate to even have a job right now that I find it hard to really complain about the long hours and the long drive I have each day.

The girls began school in August and things are smoothing out quite nicely with them. They are adjusting well to my new hours and I hardly ever hear any belly aching from them these days. We got a system going in the mornings and I am so proud of them for getting up each morning and being responsible for themselves and getting the job done that needs to be done each morning. I try to praise them often and give them credit where credit is due. :)

My personal life is kinda in upheaval right now. Not ready to share, but suffice it to say that eventually we all come down off that proverbial love cloud at some point. I am saddened and truly disappointed that things aren't going in a different direction that I had so hoped for in this relationship. I am just going to give it all up to God, because He knows what's best for me anyway and no amount of worrying that I do, is going to change the outcome any.....for whatever that ends up being. I am just going to continue to do what I do and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It'll all work out however it's meant to work out. Staying positive is the best thing I can do for me and my kids right now.

I'm ready for Fall and ready for sweater weather, bonfires and pumpkin patches...even though I hate to see summer go. It's just the winter I dread that's coming after Fall. I've said before on this blog, I am not a fan of winter in any way, shape or form, ha! So for now, I will enjoy the changing of this season, the changing of the leaves from green to golden yellows, oranges and reds and relax and know that right here, right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Thinking it's time to move on...

Yeah I know, haven't posted in EON'S!! I keep thinking I will have the time to update and people keep asking me, why I am not writing anymore??? Well mostly it's a time factor and that so much has happened since my last post that I really don't even know where to begin.

For starters, I started a new job the end of January. I am driving 45 min one way to work and enjoying the hustle bustle of the corporate world. Feel like I am using my brain more than anyone person ever needs to use it. Seems like some days I can hear the nerve endings sizzling inside my head on the drive home. I don't think I am going to have to worry about Alzheimer's any time soon the way this new place makes me use my brain, lol....

The girls are adjusting to mom being gone longer hours with protest. They miss me at their beck and call is more like it. They are not digging my new found independence any or that they are now sharing me with the love of my life, Phil. Seems there are never enough hours in one day to meet everyone's needs. Heavy sigh...

Took the girls fishing last night much to MY protest. I may be a lot of things...but one thing I am not is a fisher woman. I don't like. I don't enjoy it. I don't even eat fish (well tuna maybe)...why would I want to catch one?? But as Phil put it....I went for moral support and to take pics of my cute little girls fishing and having fun. Ok, whatever....next time I think I will opt out for a pedicure instead or fake illness or something. Fishing is for the birds.

TGIF!! I am looking forward to the coming weekend and sharing good times with all five of the girls this week-end. I wonder if Phil and I will ever get to retire with 5 girls to get through college and then married off. Another heavy sigh.....here's hoping you have a wonderful weekend enjoying and doing the things you love most!

Heartbreaker

Well anyone that has a child with autism surely knows that with autism, comes heartache. That's a given. Someone pointed out to me last night that all kids suffer heartache, not just kids with autism. Very true. All kids have been on the receiving end a time or two of someone's bullying. As a parent, you want to protect them from that type of pain, but yet you have to let them learn to fend for themselves because at times, life just isn't fair and they need to learn coping skills for when that happens. For the most part, I let Ivy fight her own battles, only once have I stepped in and shown my claws since she started school. She is an easy target for kids to pick on because she is not only speech delayed, but she is socially delayed as well. She is in the 3rd grade, yet relates best to the kids in kindergarten and 1st grade. That's where she is as far as maturity level, so that's where she best fits in. Nothing wrong with that, except that her typical peers seem to like to call her names like baby and preschooler and the likes.

Which brings me to my point here....last night Ivy had a meltdown. The kind that breaks your heart kind of meltdown. It's amazing to me the things she remembers. She started crying first that she remembered when she was a baby and she was angry and used to slap me and pull my hairand she was sorry for that. I was sort of dumbfounded. I can't believe she really remembers that. She has never expressed to me that she remembers anything about her earlier years, so how was I to know? That thought sent chills down my spine though. If she remembers doing that at age 2, 3, 4, then kids with autism are indeed locked inside just waiting to get out. That's so scary. So she knew all along what she was doing but couldn't control it. That thought is just really, really sad to me. :(

Then that went straight into a course of "no one likes me at school" tirades...that "everyone thinks she is a baby" and "she doesn't have any real friends" and that "the girls in her class don't like her"...which sent her straight into the "I HATE AUTISM AND I DON'T WANT AUTISM ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE ENZYMES AND EAT SPECIAL FOOD, I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS!!!!" tirade. Which left me speechless. And sad. I don't want her to have autism anymore either. I don't want her to have to take meds and supplements and enzymes and eat special food either. I don't want her to be picked on at school and singled out either. All I could do was hold her and rock her and assure her that she was ok and she was a very special person even with her autism. What else can you do? Food for thought though as I make my way through today: Ivy remembers being locked inside....wow, that's amazing!

Randomness

I am so glad that God created humans to be able to love, create bonds and make friendships. Because I love my friends and without them I am pretty much alone, lol!

Something is in the air, I can feel it. I feel like this could be the start of a new chapter for me. I am taking some steps to move forward and it's not as scary as I thought it would be. My friends say go ahead and JUMP! Easier said than done, but I am trying.

I love summer and I am already sad that it's coming to an end. :*(

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am. :D

All work and no play, makes LISA a dull woman. Got any suggestions?

If they say that well behaved women never make history, then I should go down in the books.

My kids absolutely crack me up. When did they become such comedienne's?

I saw the New Moon trailer this week and I am seriously STOKED to see the movie in November. I think I might just have to read NM again before the movie comes out. That makes #6. I need a 12 step program to get off Twilight. Geesh.

Let's reflect for a minute

You know, when I'm stuck and not sure which way to go, I always like to reflect on the past to see exactly how far I have come and see if that helps push me a little further down the road. Reflecting on the past is to think, ponder, or meditate on life's events that lead up to the here and now. It keeps you grounded and humble and let's you see how life always has a way of working itself out for the best.

I was thinking yesterday about Ivy and how far she has come since being diagnosed at age three with autism. I remember that day clearly, like it was yesterday. The lady said to me, "well yeah Ivy is on the autism spectrum and there is no cure for autism and here is some paperwork about autism you might wanna read, any questions?" She plopped a whole pile of paperwork in my hands and I walked out the door just numb. I wasn't sure I was going to make it across the parking lot to my car without buckling under. I remember talking to God as soon as I got in my car and saying, "please show me what to do".

The very next morning, I got on Google and typed in the words "cure for autism"...the first thing that came up was info on THE GFCF Diet and how people were bringing their kids out of autism by doing this diet. I was hopeful that this was my answer. That morning I sat and read for hours about how I could help my daughter. It was the beginning to my road map to recovery. I knew I had to save her no matter the cost. I would stop at nothing to get her better. I would leave no stones unturned. I would try everything there was to try and start from scratch if need be. I only had a small window of opportunity to pull her out of it and I was in a race against time.

Reflecting back, I was truly a mad woman. I was obsessed and addicted to healing her. It cost me a lot in the end. I am completely broke and don't have a dime to my name, I lost friendships over it, lost family connections, and even my marriage didn't survive it. But would I change a thing about the journey? HELL NO! I would do exactly the same thing all over again if it meant saving my kid. I don't regret a single moment of the hell we've lived for the last five years. Because it was all worth it to see her beautiful face light up when you walk into the room and it's worth it when she masters something new each day. It's worth it when I see her forming friendships and maturing more each year. It's worth it when I see her excel in school and become one of the top students in her class. It's worth it when I see her playing with her sister without screaming and throwing a tantrum. It's all worth it.
So no regrets here, only gratitude today.

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Happy Birthday Ivy!

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

What to do , what to do?

Well, I find myself at a crossroad. What to do with myself now? For so long, for so many years all I ever did was eat, sleep and breathe autism and recovery. Now that I no longer need to work so feverishly to save my daughter, now that I no longer have a husband here to argue with, what will I DO with myself?

Enjoy the one on one time with the girls, exercise a little, get a pedicure, eat right, sleep well....in other words do stuff that is going to nourish my soul. Yeah, I can do all those things but I am one of those people that must have something to really believe in, some kind of goal to strive towards. So that is why I ask myself what am I going to with Lisa now?

I think the best way to handle things is to use the KISS method (keep it simple stupid, LOL!). If I just keep it simple and take one day at a time, eventually I will find which road is the right road to travel down. In the meantime, I can enjoy the scenery and take in the sights from standing right here at this nice little crossroad I am standing at.

I wish to thank all the people who have encouraged me in the past month and who have reached out to me to offer up their experience, strength and hope with me as I walk through this difficult time in my life.

Just a quick update on the girls. They are handling this like troopers! Unbelievably well in fact which tells me I made the right move here. We are communicating daily and keeping an open attitude. They are seeing a counselor so they can talk with someone other than mom and dad. In fact, I have already noticed a change in attitude in them both. I think maybe that is my clue that just as much as my husband and I were miserable....they were miserable too. Now that the tension is gone from the house, so is the stress and so is the attitude and misbehaving. They are just doing great. I couldn't be prouder of them and their efforts. I know it's really hard on them, but I think we are going to get through this as a team, or at least I hope so.

Jade puts things into perspective for me...

Yeah, a NINE year old had to bring me to my knees today. Earlier, I posted an angry post about some social snobs I know. I decided to delete it after Jade made a simple statement to me that brought me to my knees. It made me so proud of her at that very moment, I wanted to cry. So when I think I am the worst mom in the world some days, I can know that I must be doing something right. My nine year old just put into perspective for me something I couldn't.

I was ranting about certain people from our little school and how they look down on people like "us" because we are different compared to them. I made the choice to send my kids to a private school and they sometimes suffer for that. We have placed them amongst some very well off families. Some of those families are as nice and down to earth as you could ever want. We have met some really wonderful, loving people there. Some of them however, want you to KNOW just how much money they have and they want you to KNOW that you are less then they are. They want you to KNOW that you don't belong among them.

So, I am sitting here talking with Jade and asked her what she thought about pulling out of our little private school and attending public school next year. And then we talked about why she never has play dates and invites and this is what she said to me:

"Mom, I would die if you take me out of that school. I love that school and I love the teachers and I love that I get to learn about God there. I can't do that in public schools...and Mom, who cares if I don't have play dates and invites? It really doesn't matter to me anyway. If they don't like me then, oh well."

That's right Jade. You got it right baby. You go girl!!!

L is for LOVE

I have been stuck on L for awhile now....nothing comes to mind. I was afraid this would happen. I decided to quit trying so hard to think about it and just write something. LOVE comes to mind when I think about autism. I believe that Ivy's sole purpose in life was to teach me about LOVE. I mean I have always known about LOVE in a sense and even experienced it once or twice along the way, but this kind of LOVE I am talking about is the LOVE only learned from a lesson in life kind of LOVE.

When a mother holds her child for the first time, you feel so many different emotions. It is probably the single most magnificent moment in time over all other moments in time. You have created a life and most mother's know without a doubt that their purpose in life was to be this tiny little things mother. Forget everything else you had planned up to that point, because that has all changed now. Now it's about this tiny little creature lying in your arms. Now is when you experience the "Ah-ha" moment. You are now forever in love with this little person you created.

When you hold this beautiful baby and you are lovingly staring at them, you have dreams and hopes for them. You wonder about their life and what will they be when they grow up, etc, etc. When something like autism comes along, all those hopes and dreams are suddenly shattered by words such as, "no cure", "lifelong disability", "institutionalized" and "nothing we can do". It's really a devastating blow I can tell you first hand. All of sudden you are hit with the hard,cold reality that this beautiful child that you created and love is not perfect. Only that is the facade. Because once you swallow the diagnosis and you decided how you are going to handle things, you realize how silly you were for thinking your child is not perfect. In fact, my daughter is still perfect....she just has autism too.

So, when you have a child that has some issues, you go into what I refer to as "mad primal mommy mode". You have such a primal instinct to protect. It's called survival mode to some I guess. You whip out your ferocious mommy instinct's and you get busy. You could just lie down and give up and feel really sorry for yourself too I guess, but what is that going to solve? Not crapola I can tell you. So, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you get busy. You do it for YOU, you do it for your child, you do it out of LOVE. You do it because it's the right thing to do. It's not an easy road and there are lots of curve's and bumps and bridges washed out and detours along the way, but you will make it. You will, I promise. And along the way, you will learn what LOVE is really about.

I is for IVY...of course!

I can actually think of several words that start with letter "I" that I could use to talk about my beautiful, little IVY.

For instance, I could tell you that one thing that autism does to our children is that it IMPRISONS them. They are locked INSIDE themselves. It's the most devastating thing to witness as a parent. You know they are there, only it appears that they are INFINITELY lost. I have these INCREDIBLE pictures that I look back on now and I can literally cry when I see how lost she was. She never looked at me or the camera...almost like you were INVISIBLE to her. She was always looking off to the side or down. Now, her smile is so INFECTIOUS. You can't help but smile when you see her eyes light up in front of the camera.

She is definitely INTELLIGENT. She can be IMAGINATIVE. She is rather IMPATIENT(most days). She is completely IRREPLACEABLE. She seems to be INTUITIVE. She has always been INQUISITIVE and I love that about her. Some days she is just IMPOSSIBLE!! Our conversations are always INTERESTING. It's for sure that she is IMPRESSIONABLE...especially on your heart. She is so sweet and INNOCENT. I know that without a doubt, that she is completely INCOMPARABLE. She has made such an IMPACT on my life. Life before IVY was just an IMITATION. Having Ivy, gave me the INSPIRATION to be a better person, better mother, better wife, better sister and a much better friend. I know that this experience is IMMEASURABLE and has been an INVALUABLE lesson in my life.

Happy Birthday America and have a safe and fun July 4th.


INFINITELY LOST

INFECTIOUSLY IRRESISTIBLE