Tuesday's Thoughts

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Oddest Places

Last night felt just like deja vu' for sure. I found myself in the parking lot of a famous big box store shaking with anger, frustration and wondering where exactly is my life going these days? Really? Has it come to this AGAIN? All I could think of was I didn't have anyone to call. Who wants to hear me whine about my troubles yet again, for the one millionth time in the past 2 yrs?
Do I cry? No. I can't even muster up tears I am so upset. Everything is caving in all around me and my life is once again, out-of-control. Hello stranger, where you been hiding yourself lately? Welcome back and let's hope you don't hang around for long.

In the course of about 3 mths, I have had some serious issues. Starting with my oven which will not heat up. I can use the cooktop, but the oven doesn't work. Next came the washing machine, fills and empties, but won't agitate or spin....do you KNOW how much laundry we produce each week? Next comes my first ever speeding ticket. Next comes my first ever wreck of backing into someone in a parking lot and having a $1000 deductible which means I have to pay for this one on my own. Next comes my fridge this week which decided to poop out with all the other appliances in my house. Last night was the icing on the cake. I hear my ex is planning to take me to court for full custody because I am an unfit mother. Really?? Really?? Really, I ask again?

I am at maximum stress level at this point. I am going to say this OUT LOUD. I was soooo, soooo stupid for not getting myself an attorney and ending this thing already. I went to one and was planning on filing and the ex talked me out of it. He thought that it would be much cheaper if we did it together through the courthouse. BIG MISTAKE. Now it seems that decision has come back around to bite me right in the butt. I am just too nice is the problem. I felt sorry for him.

What is wrong with me? I believe that this is the perfect example of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I have myself so backed into a corner right now, that I am not sure I can work myself out of it. How many times am I going to let myself be the guy getting sand kicked in his face?

I just want this nightmare to be over. Can someone please wake me up??? Throw me a line, lend me a hand, give me a swift kick in the butt. Just please, don't let me drown here in my own self pity and my own certain stupidity. And whatever you do, please stop saying you told me so! Believe me, NO ONE knows more than I do, that I screwed up, ok? So let's just leave it at that. Just like that old cliche', it's easier said than done here. It's not like I can just whip out a wad of cash and march down to the attorney's office and file. That takes money and right now, money is something I have very little of. I have been barely treading water for the past year and a half and each and every week, I rob Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet and do what I have to do for my girls. I have a lot of expenses and lots of money going out and not enough coming in. I just got a second job 2 weeks ago and hopefully that will take some of the financial burden off me, but I am going to be one tired woman working 60-70 hours a week now. But hey, enough whining already. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do what a girl has to do.

If the universe was ever screaming to a person to wake up, it's got to be shouting my name! I hear you, I got it. I get it. Life is what you make it and if there is one thing I have learned from this whole ugly experience, you aren't in control of it no matter how much you wish you were. My life plan is already laid out for me, if I would just follow the script! Why, why, why do I always try to take over the directors job? Each and every time I do that, I always find myself flat out in the middle of the floor on my back because that certain someone (and you know who that is) just yanked the rug out from under me to get my attention. Unfortunately, I can't hear well, so I have to be knocked over the head before I get the signs.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him.