Tuesday's Thoughts

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Oddest Places

Last night felt just like deja vu' for sure. I found myself in the parking lot of a famous big box store shaking with anger, frustration and wondering where exactly is my life going these days? Really? Has it come to this AGAIN? All I could think of was I didn't have anyone to call. Who wants to hear me whine about my troubles yet again, for the one millionth time in the past 2 yrs?
Do I cry? No. I can't even muster up tears I am so upset. Everything is caving in all around me and my life is once again, out-of-control. Hello stranger, where you been hiding yourself lately? Welcome back and let's hope you don't hang around for long.

In the course of about 3 mths, I have had some serious issues. Starting with my oven which will not heat up. I can use the cooktop, but the oven doesn't work. Next came the washing machine, fills and empties, but won't agitate or spin....do you KNOW how much laundry we produce each week? Next comes my first ever speeding ticket. Next comes my first ever wreck of backing into someone in a parking lot and having a $1000 deductible which means I have to pay for this one on my own. Next comes my fridge this week which decided to poop out with all the other appliances in my house. Last night was the icing on the cake. I hear my ex is planning to take me to court for full custody because I am an unfit mother. Really?? Really?? Really, I ask again?

I am at maximum stress level at this point. I am going to say this OUT LOUD. I was soooo, soooo stupid for not getting myself an attorney and ending this thing already. I went to one and was planning on filing and the ex talked me out of it. He thought that it would be much cheaper if we did it together through the courthouse. BIG MISTAKE. Now it seems that decision has come back around to bite me right in the butt. I am just too nice is the problem. I felt sorry for him.

What is wrong with me? I believe that this is the perfect example of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I have myself so backed into a corner right now, that I am not sure I can work myself out of it. How many times am I going to let myself be the guy getting sand kicked in his face?

I just want this nightmare to be over. Can someone please wake me up??? Throw me a line, lend me a hand, give me a swift kick in the butt. Just please, don't let me drown here in my own self pity and my own certain stupidity. And whatever you do, please stop saying you told me so! Believe me, NO ONE knows more than I do, that I screwed up, ok? So let's just leave it at that. Just like that old cliche', it's easier said than done here. It's not like I can just whip out a wad of cash and march down to the attorney's office and file. That takes money and right now, money is something I have very little of. I have been barely treading water for the past year and a half and each and every week, I rob Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet and do what I have to do for my girls. I have a lot of expenses and lots of money going out and not enough coming in. I just got a second job 2 weeks ago and hopefully that will take some of the financial burden off me, but I am going to be one tired woman working 60-70 hours a week now. But hey, enough whining already. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do what a girl has to do.

If the universe was ever screaming to a person to wake up, it's got to be shouting my name! I hear you, I got it. I get it. Life is what you make it and if there is one thing I have learned from this whole ugly experience, you aren't in control of it no matter how much you wish you were. My life plan is already laid out for me, if I would just follow the script! Why, why, why do I always try to take over the directors job? Each and every time I do that, I always find myself flat out in the middle of the floor on my back because that certain someone (and you know who that is) just yanked the rug out from under me to get my attention. Unfortunately, I can't hear well, so I have to be knocked over the head before I get the signs.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him.

Ready for SPRING!!!

I can feel it around the corner. Maybe it's the fact that I was born on Groundhog's Day? But I am telling you, I can feel it. I am predicting an early Spring...despite that we are barely past the Ice Storm of the Decade last week. Everything is still frozen here and locked beneath a 6 inch layer, but the birds are chirping and we are headed for a warm up this weekend. The weather man is calling for a mid 40's warm up and compared to the temps we've been dealing with of late, that's a darn heat wave!!

I long for green grass and tulips and daffodils poking up through my flower beds. I long for warm breezy afternoons and rain showers. For Spring can only mean one thing in my book...the entry to summer and I love summer. I live for summers. I am excited of the possibilities that this Spring will bring. I am looking forward to working in my yard and on my back patio, planting flower beds and finding a place to camp and boat this summer. I can't wait!

So what's on YOUR agenda for this Spring?

Mondays Child

I love the old Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme Poem called Monday's Child:

Mondays Child

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I have read this poem a thousand times over the years since I was a little girl myself. I never really paid it no mind until today when I read again for the one thousand and first time. I decided to dig a little deeper into the meaning of the lines. I looked up my date of birth and then my girls and here is where we stand:

Me: Tuesdays Child is full of grace

Jade: Wednesdays child is full of woe

Ivy: Thursdays child has far to go

WOW! Did you read that? If not please reread it once more for me! Now I am not so sure about the full of grace for me....but the other two are quite frankly spot on! Unbelievably so!!

When I think of Jade, I do think of woe. She is always so dramatic and life is just so unfair to her. She some days feels like there is so much unjustness in her life that she is the sole bearer of this cross. Of course I just chalk it up to prepubescent HORMONES, but this is helpful in knowing that its her destiny to feel "woebegone" as a general rule. I have to laugh because my nick name for her is "Negative Nelly"...hahaha!

When I think of Ivy, I think how far she has to go yet. I can't help to think of how far she has already come, so her journey is not over so to speak. She was dealt a crappy hand in life, but along the way she has overcome and triumphed like a true champion and her load will be long and there will never be a full recovery, but she can hopefully learn to adjust to life and her surroundings enough to cope on a day to day basis and no one will be the wiser to her "issues" except those that know and love her.

So what's your day of the week and how does it fit into the description of yourself? Drop me a line and let me know!

2011...and I am Living the Dream

LIVING THE DREAM. I decided that this will be my mantra for 2011. After experiencing so much heartache in 2009 and 2010, I need a new out look on life. So in 2011, I will be living the dream, but not just anyone's dream. I will be living MY dream. And if you aren't in my dream, then buddy you better be stepping on out of my way because NOTHING is going to stop me from this being my best year yet!

The thing I love about January is the renewal process and how we get to wipe the slate clean and start fresh each year. I have my list of resolutions (or goals) for 2011. I gave them to the Universe and have set them all free. Here's to hoping I can actually stick to some of them this year and make some really positive changes in my life. :) I have decided not to list them publically this year. I have reasons for this: 1) No need to list them only to break them 2 mths later and 2) hopefully I WON'T break them and you will just notice the changes in me that were on my list ;)

I wish you all a wonderful and Happy New Year!

Life is Good

All is well in Lisa Land. I am grateful for so many things in my life today. I have a good job that provides for me and the girls. Things are turning around in the relationship sector and I am just generally and overall happy with myself and with my life. Like I said, life is good!

Time flies when you're having fun

So, I last posted in APRIL...are you serious? And I made a promise that I was going to keep up with the writing for the simple fact that it's sooo therapeutic. Guess times flies when you're having fun, eh?

Seems like the days and nights just come so quickly these days, the next thing you know it's been a month, then two, then three and so on. This job of mine is time consuming, but I am starting to find my groove. We continue to grow, expand and continue to hire and in today's economy, that's a very good thing. I am so fortunate to even have a job right now that I find it hard to really complain about the long hours and the long drive I have each day.

The girls began school in August and things are smoothing out quite nicely with them. They are adjusting well to my new hours and I hardly ever hear any belly aching from them these days. We got a system going in the mornings and I am so proud of them for getting up each morning and being responsible for themselves and getting the job done that needs to be done each morning. I try to praise them often and give them credit where credit is due. :)

My personal life is kinda in upheaval right now. Not ready to share, but suffice it to say that eventually we all come down off that proverbial love cloud at some point. I am saddened and truly disappointed that things aren't going in a different direction that I had so hoped for in this relationship. I am just going to give it all up to God, because He knows what's best for me anyway and no amount of worrying that I do, is going to change the outcome any.....for whatever that ends up being. I am just going to continue to do what I do and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It'll all work out however it's meant to work out. Staying positive is the best thing I can do for me and my kids right now.

I'm ready for Fall and ready for sweater weather, bonfires and pumpkin patches...even though I hate to see summer go. It's just the winter I dread that's coming after Fall. I've said before on this blog, I am not a fan of winter in any way, shape or form, ha! So for now, I will enjoy the changing of this season, the changing of the leaves from green to golden yellows, oranges and reds and relax and know that right here, right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.