What a Long Strange Trip it's Been....

Ash Wednesday was my last post. If I knew then what life had in store for me shortly after, I would have forewarned you that I might not be back for awhile. Yes, indeed, it's been a long strange trip. Life got really complicated since my last post. I didn't have any idea how to verbalize what was happening to me it was so painful. I thought many times over the past several months about coming here to share my experience with you, but I just couldn't bring myself to share. Somethings are just too personal to splash across the Internet for all to see. At least for now. Maybe down the road, it won't hurt so much to talk about it (or even think about it). Maybe then I will share.

So a quick update to tell you that I am still alive and kicking and I have done some major soul searching over time and I am finding myself at a new starting point yet again. I have ended a 4 yr relationship and I had to come to grips with my choices and deal with a lot of change. It's ok though, because just like I have shared before with you, "it'll all work out"- thanks again Ed Lyle. Painful endings quietly become new and promising beginnings, this I know. God has a plan for me. If only I could stop trying to run the show. I have said this over and over again in my blog. I give it over to God and then snatch it back because somehow I always end up thinking I know what's best for me. I think I got it this time. Somehow when you land flat out on the ground wondering what just happened, things start to come into focus and you can clearly see that some things in life are just not meant to be.

I am looking forward to my future. My girls and I are taking some much needed time to regroup as a family and we are pressing forward together. Life is about to get really busy for me. Looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead. I can handle this, I got this, I can do it! It's good to be back in the saddle again. Much love to you all.

Ash Wednesday

Decisions, decisions. Decision time is here. Today marks the beginning of the Lenten period and I had previously posted that I was considering giving certain addictions up for Lent and I have decided that I will indeed be giving up Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest and Blogger for Lent. My decision to unplug from all forms of social networking and to plug-in to myself didn't come lightly. Will I learn anything? Will I gain anything? Only time will tell. My guess I will come out on the other side a changed person. I will be experimenting with diet and exercise and possible meditation during this time. See you on the flip side and if you participate in Lent, then I wish you the best as well and bid you a nice farewell. I will update you all in April at the end of the Lenten season.

My Smart Phone is Making Me Dumber

Yes, I said it, it's totally true. I recently took the plunge back in December and moved over into the iPhone world. A world I set my kids up in way back in July of 2012. I had no idea what I had done. None whatsoever. Wow! That's all I can say. I will say that as a parent of a 14 and 11 yr old daughter, that was an epic fail parenting move that was. I have literally given them the world at their fingertips. I have quickly found out that I can get or find anything via my iPhone. It only took one peek in the iCloud to see that my kids have downloaded some pretty questionable stuff since they got their iPhones and I am going to need to have a talk with them both about guidelines, usage and what's appropriate and what's not. I am on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest and Instagram and I have to tell you that Instagram is where the younger generation has moved to. Facebook? Forget it! It's for folks my age and this younger generation has figured that out. If you really want to know what your kids are up to, look them up on Instagram and you will be SHOCKED. I promise you. The newest fad is an application that runs just like Instagram, called Vine. It's a place to upload short video's (vs just photos like on Instagram). Pretty cool huh? Yeah, except for a three things: 1) you can't control who follows you, so that is kinda creepy. Think of this- your 14 yr old daughter is on Vine and some 53 yr old perverted sex offender can follow her all he wants, because she has no control over it. 2) There are no rules against pornography. I am no prude here, I just thinks it's ridiculous that you can view a video of your daughter's cheer team and then the next video you see is a very explicit sexual act. Again, no control over what you can view or not view and 3) There is no age limit to join. It's for anyone. So parents be warned that Vine is NOT the place you want your sweet kids hanging out. Just remember, you heard it here first folks. :)

So let's get to the point at hand here now that I have confessed my STUPIDITY in getting us all smart phones. Right after I jumped on the iPhone bandwagon, so did my significant other. Well, let me just say that since we both got iPhones, we barely even speak to one another now. Yep, it's true. He is over there playing poker and Words With Friends and I am catching up on Facebook and dreaming of an organized, beautifully decorated home by pinning stuff on Pinterest for my "to-do" files. Problem is, all I do is pin stuff, there isn't any "doing" going on. Now, I will give Pinterest credit where it's due in the cooking department, I am rocking that out. I have become a regular Rachel Ray in that department, all learned via pinned blogs/websites that I have found on Pinterest. Time sucker, life sucker. Addicting as hell! I could spend hours just learning my new phone and all that it can do for me and searching through all the amazing apps in the app store that I can download and that can suck even more time out of my life. Which brings me to my last point.

Since we got our iPhones, I see a pattern emerging, that we are barely speaking to one another or spending any quality time together as a family. The kids are in their rooms doing whatever on their phones, he is one side of the bed doing whatever on his phone and I am doing the same on my side of the bed. However, out of the 4 of us, I do give myself a break now and then unlike the rest of them. I switch to the TV, or a book, or get up and cook or leave the house and go to the store, but I personally do NOT like what I have become since owning my iPhone. I feel dumber than ever. So, that got me thinking about last years Lent challenge of giving up just Facebook for 8 weeks. I wonder.....could I? Would I? Can I do it? Can I dedicate a set amount of time to absolutely NO iPhone at all? Of course I would have to exclude checking personal/home email as my kids school only communicates that way and I obviously need email for work. But other than that? Could I cut myself off from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc? Could I do it? I was thinking of an experiment maybe? I was thinking of using the time I normally spend killing off my brain cells and replacing it with things like exercise, reading, movie watching together as a family and getting out of the house doing something. Would I be any smarter? Would I be any happier? I think I just might be both if I do it. Question is, can I really do it? I have much to ponder folks, I will let you know what conclusion I come to. :)

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I was thinking about my life this morning and was reminiscing in my mind about all the Christmas' of my past. I was wondering if my children have one significant Christmas that stands out for them like I did as a young girl? There always seems to be the one Christmas that stands out above all others as being the best-christmas-ever. I have always tried to make Christmas a very special day for my girls. Since they were younger, I have always just done the 4 Gifts for Christmas.

The Gift of Warmth, The Gift of Knowledge, The Gift of Love and the The Gift of Joy. I shared the 4 gifts in another post in my blog and that can be found here:

When I say special, I mean while keeping it simple, I make a big deal out of the art of gift wrapping and bows and tags and the delightful presentation of it. I plan for months ahead of time and I thoughtfully decide each gift with all the love I could possibly muster. I have never just bought a gift without putting thought into it. Each gift represents a memory, a laughter, a personality characteristic, etc about the person it's being bought for. I just hope that all the work and effort has paid off in the end. As they are approaching and are in the teenage years, it's getting increasingly hard not to just give them a Gift Card to the mall to please them and be done with it, but I am determined to make it work this year once again. :)

I am just going to come right out and say that Ivy still believes in Santa. Yep, she sure does. Eleven years old she is. I know she is questioning it in her mind, but she refuses to NOT believe. Maybe that is my fault because I was so good about instilling thoughts in the girls minds that the true spirit of Christmas lies in our heart and that maybe she still believes in that. Who am I to tell her differently? right? So for this year, Santa still reigns I guess.

I can say that while I do anticipate a wonderful Christmas this year, I can't help but to be incredibly sad that I have severed my ties with the Christmas' of my past. Feelings of that old familiar guilt has come around to the surface to still haunt me. Christmas will never be the same for my girls. Being pulled in 2 different directions, having to spend half the day with me and half with their Dad. I hate that I am responsible for that. I wonder how long I will persecute myself for my choices? I know this Christmas all I want is for some forgiveness. But more importantly, I pray that I can forgive myself.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night~

The One About My Little Yellow Canary

Yellow is color of sunshine. I like yellow. When I was growing up, my bedroom was painted sunshine yellow. I can remember the sun streaming into my bedroom window and with the walls painted yellow too, I felt like I was in this little cocoon of sunshine all the time. I never wanted to leave my room because in there I felt safe in my yellow space. So, you see, I have always been drawn to the color yellow. What I didn't know then, was how important the color yellow would be to me many years later.

Baby No. 2 came crashing into the world on May 24, 2001. She was perfection. She looked just like my vision and she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. This child came into my life to teach me many lessons here on Earth and she is ultimately what saved me from myself. For fighting her battles became my new normal, my new purpose in life. You can read all about the life of Baby No. 2 throughout my blog (see autism). Her story is too long to include in this post. I just wanted to mention that Baby No. 2 came to save us all from ourselves. She speaks volumes every day. But sadly, people can't hear her beautiful song. We could all learn from her if we could just hear her sweet music. She didn't come alone though either. She came along with many friends from Heaven. One in every 50 children are little yellow canaries now. They are the canaries in the coalmine sent to warn us. And if we can't see them and we can't hear them, then we are headed for big, big trouble. My little yellow canary lets me know two things. One, that we have to stop and take a look at how toxic we have become and two, you have to do something about it. I am still waiting to see the outcome and the fruits of my labor where she is concerned. Not much survived me saving her. And I do considered her saved. I do consider her in remission from her disease. I do considered her healed and doing well.

The stress involved with raising a child with special needs can be tremendous and I have spoken openly here on my blog that I went through Hell and back here on Earth and that my marriage didn't survive the stress. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, I have some. Would I do it over again? Absolutely I would. Do I wish things would have turned out differently? Absolutely I do. But my path was layed out for me long before I walked on it and I just try to remember, that my life is in God's hands, not mine and the He knows where I am going. I try to have faith that things will work out as they are supposed to. But in the meantime, I ever start to feel doubtful, I just look at my beautiful little yellow canary and listen to her sweet melody and I know that life is good and I am right where God wants me to be right now.

My little Yellow Canary

The One When I Was Still Happy

So, I got my Little Bundle of Sunshine and I am living the dream with the Guy in the Zebra Striped Shoes and life is good. What could make our little family better than adding to it right? So, we decided to do just that and when I began officially trying to get pregnant, we didn't have to wait long. Baby Number 2 was on it's way within a month of trying! We were thrilled!! We were excited and couldn't wait to meet our new little package of Love. I didn't need to find out the sex of either baby, because just like in Pregnancy No. 1, I had a vision in Pregnancy No. 2 that predicted me a chubby little girl sitting in the bathtub. She has long dark wavy brown hair and a pudgy little belly sticking out. So, I was having another girl it seemed. That was fine with me since I already had all the girl stuff and already knew all the girl parts. Zebra shoes didn't mind either, as he seemed to like being surrounded by girls.

The very first few years of our lives together, were my most happiest ever. I tried really hard to make things perfect for the three of us. I tried really hard to be someone on the outside other than the person I felt like on the inside. I did a pretty good job at accomplishing both things. Without a doubt, I knew in my heart that my sole purpose in life was to be a mother. If I accomplished nothing else on Earth, I was perfectly ok with that because I was born to be a mother. I was never happier than when I was in my element doing the stay at home mom thing and surrounded by children. I must have either been around a lot of kids, was maybe a teacher or had a lot of children myself in a previous life, because I have always been drawn to kids of all ages from the time I was a little girl myself. I just love kids! And I could not wait to add to my family! Baby No. 2 was coming and I couldn't wait to meet her!

The One About My Sunshine

So, I am pregnant for the third time and wondering what to do with myself. I somehow made it through the first trimester, so I decided that quitting the bar might be a good idea. I didn't want to be pregnant and working in a bar. Yuck! So since I made it through the first trimester, I was starting to maybe have some hope that this time, the pregnancy would make it full term. But I couldn't be too hopeful, not yet anyway. I would not allow myself to look at baby name books, think of nursery themes or to be hopeful concerning anything related to this pregnancy. I just kept holding my breath waiting for the axe to fall. Because I knew it was GOING to fall...it was just a matter of WHEN and HOW it was going to fall. So this is how I went through months 1 through 6 of my pregnancy.

One night, I was about 7 mths pregnant and I was resting my painful back in a warm bath and I was getting kinda of drowsy and just relaxing and talking to the baby growing inside of my belly. All of a sudden, I got this vision from out of nowhere. It was of a little curly headed girl bouncing through a meadow of flowers with a basket in her hand which was full of flowers. I knew right then and there that I was seeing a vision of my unborn child. I was having a girl and she would live to be at least 3 or 4 because that is the age she appeared to be in my vision. That was a unusual experience for sure, but I knew that I was seeing my child. I kept that secret until she was born. On February 2, 1999 at exactly 4:20pm my daughter came bursting into the world at 5lbs and 12 oz. When I first held her, she didn't look ANYTHING like my vision, hahaha! She was teeny, tiny and looked so fragile. But she was beautiful and she was mine and she was like sunshine. I told her father the story of how I knew she was coming and that she would be a girl. We named our little sunshine Jade McKenna.

While in the hospital, holding her and looking at her, I knew that her father and I needed to do the right thing by her and get married. We needed to be her parents in every sense of the word. We needed to be her family. I mean she chose US to her her parents out of the all the people in this world, so we should do the respectful thing and be together as husband and wife for this sweet little piece of Sunshine. I owed that to her. I promised her I would do that for her. So the man with the zebra striped shoes and I began planning a wedding.....

By the way, check out this pitcure and see my little Sunshine for yourself at age 4.