Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Sometimes it's the small things that are BIG!

It's true....and we can truly miss out on these moments if we aren't looking for them. It's been so painfully obvious that I have struggled with every detail of my life for the past year. It shows here on my blog, in my everyday life and in all that I do. I am the type of person that wears their feelings on their sleeve. I doubt if at any time will you NOT know how I am feeling. Some may say that is a character defect, I just call it part of who I am. :)

Anyway, trying to make it through the muck of my life lately has been less than pleasant. I have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering what does my future hold? Being single at age 44 with 2 kids, one of which has autism is not an easy thing to do. There are so many times I wanted to cave and just let him come back home for convenience sake, but I couldn't bring myself to continue to live a lie. So, I have toughed it out and hung in there, riding the storm out to see what's on the other side. For the first time in months, I think I can see the shoreline from a distance. How good it will feel to place my feet on solid ground again...put my toes in the sand, feel the warm sun on my skin. I look forward to it.

It seems at times, like life doesn't make any sense at all and we search for the reasons things went wrong. We accept our faults, learn from our mistakes and hopefully allow ourselves to heal some before moving forward. I recently made the decision that I was done wallowing in self-pity and decided it was time to move forward. SCARY, SCARY and more SCARY!! Funny this is, I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just wanted to take a few steps towards the edge of the cliff and sort of take a look down and see how high the jump was. When I got there, I see it's not so bad after all. There is serenity waiting for me down below if I would only jump. So I JUMPED! It was like free falling. Nothing but air and then as lightly as I could hope for, I landed softly on the ground below and I am still alive and still breathing and there is something hopeful on the horizon. It's just one of those small little gifts from God that are so easy to miss if you aren't tuned in for them. There is something in front of me that I can't wait to explore. The timing feels right and I am hopeful. I just want to enjoy it for what it is and not look too far into my future trying to figure out where this fits into my life. All I have to do is be in the now and be grateful for this little thing that's really BIG and try not to navigate my life. God's got that covered and already knows the map way better than I do.