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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

And she finally gets out of bed...

I'm here, backed into a corner like never before. It's been over a year since the break up and today I have finally decided that I am done wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. Newsflash- he is never coming back and you my dear, have some serious life to live in front of you. I have been laying in this freaking bed for a year. No more. I am over it and moving on to better days. The days my mom always told me were coming. Screw waiting for them! I am getting up and going out and finding them.

The past year has been downright U-G-L-Y. I have begged, pleaded, ignored and denied God in the process. Nothing will change unless you are ready to change, ya know? So after a complete mental breakdown over the past 3 days, I have broke free to the other side and I am now paving out a path that will lead me to the good stuff. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. By all appearances, on the outside, I seem to have my shit together. I smile and say hello when you see me. I half-ass function around my home. I do a job well at work and when my friends call on me, I suit up and show up when I am asked. However, for the past year, I was just faking it. I hated every single minute of it because I wasn't doing it with him. I have been lectured to by well meaning friends telling me what a loser he was, but as long as I will still hanging on for hope that he would one day come to his senses and see that I was in fact awesome and come back to me like a knight in shining armor, then I was never going to really move on. I am finally ready to let it go and let him go. I hate the hot mess that I have become. I release you Phil with love. Finally. Damn I thought I'd never let you go.

Dating this past year has probably been the most uncomfortable and painful experience I have ever been through. I am no Spring Chicken anymore and it's beginning to show. I don't know how to date or flirt anymore and I am in complete mom mode with having the girls full time (they still are not seeing their Dad) and well I just don't have time to devote to dating because I am so busy laying in bed being a loser. God showed me some funny things since the breakup and I am going to share that with you right now. First, he paraded a few ex lovers in front of me. Dangled them out there just like a carrot. Ex lover number 1 was my first boyfriend. Such a nice guy. Total package and the kind of guy I could see myself spending the rest of my life with enjoying each others company. We dated a few months and my first date with him ended disastrous as I ran into the recent ex while on a date with the new ex (LOL). Worst date ever. Got drunk and threw up trying to forget that I ran into (Phil) and this sweet guy had no clue and still called me for a second date. Bless his heart. But about 8 weeks into our new courtship, he decided that a gal with young kids still at home was not what he wanted and he dumped me. Yep, that's right. Dumped. Again. Talk about a blow to my ego. That one was hurtful and really made me think there might be something wrong with me. But have no fear, because you won't believe what God did next. Ex lover number 2 showed up on the scene. Ex lover number 2 was the one. You know THE ONE. The one I have spent the majority of my adult life comparing all subsequent lovers to. He was the one. He makes my knees weak and he is like kryptonite to me. I love him like no other...still after all these years. But this one, I can't figure out. He plays this cat and mouse game with me and never really commits and disappears for great lengths of time. So I decided for my own health and peace of mind, to kick him to the curb. That was hard because well you know he is the The One. I have had 2 other official one time only dates, both nice guys, but no click. I gotta have the click. If there is no click, then there is no date number 2. So there you have it. I got a lot of action going on don't I? It's pathetic! And it's enough to make me never want to date again. So today, ladies and gentlemen, I am placing myself into a dating time out to work on me and get me better. Hallelujah!

Today I decided to get off my fat ass AND get out of the bed. For good. From now on, this bed will be used for only sleeping in and if I am lucky enough down the road, for some really good sex. But for now, it's a sleep zone only! Here's hoping that I have the stamina I need to really stick to it. Here's hoping the Universe can see me moving and working towards positive movement in my life. Maybe I will meet Mr. Right sooner than I thought. In the meantime, I'm taking it all in. Loving my life for what it is. Peace out homies, I got some things to do and you won't find me here in this bed.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Reality of my Life

It's been 2 mths since my last post and that is basically because I have nothing to give right now. Never in my life, have I ever been so cornered in to the reality of my life. Reality? Yeah the reality. Here's the stats folks, just for you because I know you are dying to know what I have been up to. Well, not much movement in the way of personal growth, but I did receive a small gift horse in the way of being able to repair some damage with my girls. It's not that I put them on the back burner
per-se during my 4 yr relationship with the ex boyfriend, but they were not my sole focus, shall we say? A turn of events rolled out in July and in a nutshell, my girls have not been to see their father since July 4th weekend. Do the Math, that's 12 weeks!! Seeing that we used to split custody and the girls stayed one week with him and then one week with me, that was a HUGE change for me to adjust to. Nowadays my life is spent carting one here and picking the other up there. High school is busy, busy for No. 1 and No. 2 is still adjusting to Middle School and mean girls. Aside from that, I am just trying to pick up the pieces and move on. By the way, the ex is already engaged to be married to the gal who he swiftly to up residency with within 2 weeks of moving out with me after breaking up. Talk about a kick in the teeth. All I am going to say, is that I also consider that a gift and I wish him well. My focus for the next several months now will be on myself, finally. I am planning on kicking it into high gear and getting my groove back. Just watch me, you'll see.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Restless Life Syndrome

So many times in my life I have gotten so restless in certain situations. I am there now. Not feeling the job, not feeling the home, not feeling the state I live in, not feeling anything. All I DO know is that I desperately want some change in my life, I need some change. I can't possibly be any more ready for change if I tried! I have read before that after a big life crisis such as death of a loved one or after a breakup, it changes us so deeply, that we crave change in a manner we never did before. Like people go crazy with change. Like jump out of airplanes, completely change careers, move to other states and make sudden radical changes to their appearance all in an attempt to reinvent themselves. I can relate. My current emotional status completely confirms that I am ready to move to California where I can park my happy butt on the beach and live happily ever after with me and my girls. Then the rubber band snaps me in the arm. OUCH! Reality sets in and reveals to me that none of that is really possible at this point in my life- so I just live in limbo wondering how to move around this constant and relentless feeling that I want to be any where but right here, right now. Yep, I've got Restless Life Syndrome.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

They Fall Like Rain....

Tears, that is. I had another epiphany in the shower this AM. Tears that fall like rain lead you to the road of recovery and healing and it's ok for me to cry. They cleanse the soul and heart of all the pain you feel. Who doesn't feel better after a good old fashioned cry fest? Well for me anyway, it's most helpful. Maybe that's a girl thing, I don't know....

I recently had a friend tell me that because she knows me and my past behavior that basically I am incapable of moving on from the breakup. I've had some things happen in the past week which has brought all the feelings that I have been working so hard to stuff down under to come screaming to the surface...demanding to be felt. Ok, ok...you win. I FEEL ya broooo. Oh my God, do I EVER feel ya. But my epiphany was not in the tears themselves, but in discovering that this is me. I am not you. I am not anybody else on this planet, but me. This is how I deal. This is how I roll. This is how I heal. My way. Doesn't mean I don't want to hear your opinion or that I don't value the opinions of my friends (because I very much do). It just means that no one else knows my pain or what I am feeling. No one sees inside my heart like I do. No one else can move me forward but me.

So in summary, I have decided that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I will work through this emotional baggage one day at a time and feel it all I want until I am exhausted from feeling it. Then and only then can I really, really move forward and make a new life for myself. I am not ashamed to say that at this point I might be stalling. I might be a damn fool. But, you know what? That's ok. Because we learn from our mistakes and I am just one of those people who has to analyze life. Over and over and over. When I finally decide I have got it figured out, I'll press forward. I just have to know what the lesson was before I can move on. Here's to tears and letting them fall like rain because after the rain, comes the rainbow, right?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

What a Long Strange Trip it's Been....

Ash Wednesday was my last post. If I knew then what life had in store for me shortly after, I would have forewarned you that I might not be back for awhile. Yes, indeed, it's been a long strange trip. Life got really complicated since my last post. I didn't have any idea how to verbalize what was happening to me it was so painful. I thought many times over the past several months about coming here to share my experience with you, but I just couldn't bring myself to share. Somethings are just too personal to splash across the Internet for all to see. At least for now. Maybe down the road, it won't hurt so much to talk about it (or even think about it). Maybe then I will share.

So a quick update to tell you that I am still alive and kicking and I have done some major soul searching over time and I am finding myself at a new starting point yet again. I have ended a 4 yr relationship and I had to come to grips with my choices and deal with a lot of change. It's ok though, because just like I have shared before with you, "it'll all work out"- thanks again Ed Lyle. Painful endings quietly become new and promising beginnings, this I know. God has a plan for me. If only I could stop trying to run the show. I have said this over and over again in my blog. I give it over to God and then snatch it back because somehow I always end up thinking I know what's best for me. I think I got it this time. Somehow when you land flat out on the ground wondering what just happened, things start to come into focus and you can clearly see that some things in life are just not meant to be.

I am looking forward to my future. My girls and I are taking some much needed time to regroup as a family and we are pressing forward together. Life is about to get really busy for me. Looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead. I can handle this, I got this, I can do it! It's good to be back in the saddle again. Much love to you all.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ash Wednesday

Decisions, decisions. Decision time is here. Today marks the beginning of the Lenten period and I had previously posted that I was considering giving certain addictions up for Lent and I have decided that I will indeed be giving up Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest and Blogger for Lent. My decision to unplug from all forms of social networking and to plug-in to myself didn't come lightly. Will I learn anything? Will I gain anything? Only time will tell. My guess I will come out on the other side a changed person. I will be experimenting with diet and exercise and possible meditation during this time. See you on the flip side and if you participate in Lent, then I wish you the best as well and bid you a nice farewell. I will update you all in April at the end of the Lenten season.

Monday, February 4, 2013

My Smart Phone is Making Me Dumber

Yes, I said it, it's totally true. I recently took the plunge back in December and moved over into the iPhone world. A world I set my kids up in way back in July of 2012. I had no idea what I had done. None whatsoever. Wow! That's all I can say. I will say that as a parent of a 14 and 11 yr old daughter, that was an epic fail parenting move that was. I have literally given them the world at their fingertips. I have quickly found out that I can get or find anything via my iPhone. It only took one peek in the iCloud to see that my kids have downloaded some pretty questionable stuff since they got their iPhones and I am going to need to have a talk with them both about guidelines, usage and what's appropriate and what's not. I am on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest and Instagram and I have to tell you that Instagram is where the younger generation has moved to. Facebook? Forget it! It's for folks my age and this younger generation has figured that out. If you really want to know what your kids are up to, look them up on Instagram and you will be SHOCKED. I promise you. The newest fad is an application that runs just like Instagram, called Vine. It's a place to upload short video's (vs just photos like on Instagram). Pretty cool huh? Yeah, except for a three things: 1) you can't control who follows you, so that is kinda creepy. Think of this- your 14 yr old daughter is on Vine and some 53 yr old perverted sex offender can follow her all he wants, because she has no control over it. 2) There are no rules against pornography. I am no prude here, I just thinks it's ridiculous that you can view a video of your daughter's cheer team and then the next video you see is a very explicit sexual act. Again, no control over what you can view or not view and 3) There is no age limit to join. It's for anyone. So parents be warned that Vine is NOT the place you want your sweet kids hanging out. Just remember, you heard it here first folks. :)

So let's get to the point at hand here now that I have confessed my STUPIDITY in getting us all smart phones. Right after I jumped on the iPhone bandwagon, so did my significant other. Well, let me just say that since we both got iPhones, we barely even speak to one another now. Yep, it's true. He is over there playing poker and Words With Friends and I am catching up on Facebook and dreaming of an organized, beautifully decorated home by pinning stuff on Pinterest for my "to-do" files. Problem is, all I do is pin stuff, there isn't any "doing" going on. Now, I will give Pinterest credit where it's due in the cooking department, I am rocking that out. I have become a regular Rachel Ray in that department, all learned via pinned blogs/websites that I have found on Pinterest. Time sucker, life sucker. Addicting as hell! I could spend hours just learning my new phone and all that it can do for me and searching through all the amazing apps in the app store that I can download and that can suck even more time out of my life. Which brings me to my last point.

Since we got our iPhones, I see a pattern emerging, that we are barely speaking to one another or spending any quality time together as a family. The kids are in their rooms doing whatever on their phones, he is one side of the bed doing whatever on his phone and I am doing the same on my side of the bed. However, out of the 4 of us, I do give myself a break now and then unlike the rest of them. I switch to the TV, or a book, or get up and cook or leave the house and go to the store, but I personally do NOT like what I have become since owning my iPhone. I feel dumber than ever. So, that got me thinking about last years Lent challenge of giving up just Facebook for 8 weeks. I wonder.....could I? Would I? Can I do it? Can I dedicate a set amount of time to absolutely NO iPhone at all? Of course I would have to exclude checking personal/home email as my kids school only communicates that way and I obviously need email for work. But other than that? Could I cut myself off from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc? Could I do it? I was thinking of an experiment maybe? I was thinking of using the time I normally spend killing off my brain cells and replacing it with things like exercise, reading, movie watching together as a family and getting out of the house doing something. Would I be any smarter? Would I be any happier? I think I just might be both if I do it. Question is, can I really do it? I have much to ponder folks, I will let you know what conclusion I come to. :)