Sunday, May 31, 2009

Gaining Momentum

The thought occurred to me today that things are really beginning to fall into place in my life. Amazing how that stuff all works itself out, isn't it? I was sort of reflecting over the past couple of weeks and can see how I have opened myself up to the healing process. I am always so worried about others feelings that I often forget about my own. But lately I have noticed things starting to come into my life just when they need to be there. I think I am just at a point that I am ready to accept the changes and ready for transformation. Bring it on.

Even though each new day presents itself with new adventures and some difficult challenges, I am certain that I am on the right path for the first time in a long time. Keeping it light hearted and not taking things too seriously has been the formula for success for me. Now all I need to do is keep the momentum going. :) Today, and it may just be for today only, I can honestly say that I am hopeful!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Happy Birthday Ivy!

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I feel so uninspired....

I have said it before and I am going to say it again right now, I NEED A MUSE!!! I am so uninspired to write. I have the worst case of writer's block I have ever experienced. Life keeps getting in the way of my creativity. No matter how hard I try to write something, it just won't come...nothing meaningful anyway. Yup, uninspired. The days roll by and turn into a week and still nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's just me and the feeling I have that I have nothing worthy of sharing. At any rate, I am sure that at some point the words will flow from my heart again, but right now my heart is empty and black and there is nothing there to give. Hang with me, I'll be back before you know it. Have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. :)

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Yearly IEP

Well, last week marked the date of another annual IEP for little miss Ivy. For the first time in years I wasn't nervous going into it. Maybe it was the fact that I have come to know and love the people most involved in her education at St. Michael's. Maybe it's the fact that she seems to soar no matter how much I worry. And then again, maybe just maybe, I am calm because I can see true healing in her and I can almost say that she is *recovered*. But shhhhhh....don't say that too loud. Recovered and IEP don't belong in the same sentence. We still want her to improve, so we still want services, so we can't say she is totally recovered now can we?

She has really excelled in Speech this year and that is in part due to an excellent Speech Therapist who has been pushing her hard to succeed this year and it shows. Been a great year for growth in that department. Next year will add some stress because in 3rd grade, they start ISTEP testing. That's a whole other ball game of stress for her. But accommodations have been made and I feel confidant that she will succeed there too. Now if we can just get the social part moving forward for her, I might even dare to call her a typical almost 8 year old. Joining Brownies this year has been a big plus and allowed her to see her peers in a social setting other than the classroom. It's been very good for her.

So all in all, I would have to say that this was an excellent IEP. No worries and I am just going to let go and let God where this is concerned. I will continue working with her over the summer and hope for the best in the fall when school resumes next year. <3

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Random Thoughts

Life is not all doom and gloom and challenges. I think we are meant to enjoy the journey, aren't we? Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, good thoughts come to mind. I keep a small pad of paper near the bed so I can jot down some of my better thoughts :) Anyway, usually this is the time that I come up with some of the weirdest, most random thoughts. I thought I'd share a few with you.

1) I regret not chasing my dream of being a dancer/singer/actress on Broadway when I was 18 and newly graduated. I have always, always regretted that I let my parents talk me into a more "suitable and sensible" job like the medical field. I have absolutely hated this career for the past 20 years. It's the exact reason I never finished getting my RN, because I never wanted to do this in the first place. If I had to do it all over again, I would do what Lisa wanted.

2) I have been in love a couple of times in my life. I know the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. It's not the same and no matter how hard you try, you can't force yourself to be "in love" with someone if you aren't. Period.

3) I always pictured myself doing something like being in the Peace Corps, traveling the world and going to far away places like Africa, making a difference in the world. Wish I had done that too when I was younger.

4) Motherhood has been my greatest challenge thus far in life. I am not sure if I am a good mom or not. I try to guide, not dictate...give boundaries yet open fences, encourage dreams always and I never say good night without saying "I love you" to my girls. It's the best I got right now. I am a work in progress.

5) I hope to one day share a life with someone who can appreciate my quirkiness, my love of people, my children, my love of traveling, my humanitarian efforts and my need for endless boundaries and all the little things that make up my truly unique self. Surely there is someone out there that would enjoy these qualities too, right?

6)If I befriend you, I will consider you a friend for life. That's just me. But when it comes right down to it, I often feel very alone like I have no friends at all. I wonder if that is just my perception, or if I really do alienate people when I need them most. I have a tendency to not want people to know how much I am hurting or in need.

7) I want to write a book about my journey with autism. I know I can write it, but I have no clue where to begin and I am depressed that because I have been so down about my personal life that I haven't devoted any time to it the past 3 mths.

8) I secretly wish to live anywhere, any place different than where I am right now. I feel trapped in this simple little town. I wish I had what it takes to pack up, move on and head out someplace else and start over fresh where nobody knows my name. When I day dream about living somewhere else, it always seem to be somewhere out West, or the Northwest. Something is calling me west.....but what?

9) I wish I could spend the second half of my life traveling the world over. I love to travel and I love seeing what the world has to offer me. I wish I had the funds to make this dream come true. I hear about people who just take off for a year and go. I envy them. I wish it were me.

10) Lately, I have been experiencing a rather strange phenomena. I have woken up several times at night to look at the clock and it will be 3:33 or 4:44, or I look at the clock during the day and it will be 1:11 or 11:11 or 2:22. It's been happening more and more often and it's starting to freak me out. I have decided to search the internet and see if there is some sort of significance to this. Wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something?

Ok, so there you have it...randomness straight out of my very own head. I know, I know...weird stuff....but those are the kind of things I think about when I can't sleep and I am wondering why I can't turn my mind off long enough to get some zzzz's

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day :)

I had an awesome Mother's Day. My girls did not let me sleep in. They came bearing cards and school made gifts early this morning. My cards were adorable and they ROCKED! We snuggled in bed and giggled for awhile and then decided we had to make a run for Bob Evans. So we went. It was delish. Glad we went. Then I took the girls to Wally World to blow some of the money that they have been saving. Jadie got some Barbie and Ivy got some kind of stuffed puppy dog. Then, we went and got Mommy a new phone with my bowling proceeds from last week. Ended up getting it for free...even better b/c of the new every two upgrade credit we had. YAY!!! I love free stuff.

The girls went back home with their Dad late this afternoon and then I downloaded some more tunes on my iPod and jammed while I exercised. Called both my moms today and wished them a Happy Mother's Day too. All in all, it was a beautiful day. Couldn't have asked for a better day in fact. I am so blessed to be a Mom. There is no better job in the world in my opinion. Just feeling so grateful to have such beautiful souls for children. Each unique in their own way. Each with their own special things to love about them. Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful, loving moms out there!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes......I love that David Bowie song and I think of that song as I make the necessary changes in my life. I have to face the issues head on... turn and face the strain. But this is a good thing I think.

I feel like I am about to shed another layer of skin or like I am about to morph into a big beautiful butterfly. I have been cooped up in my cocoon for what seems like years now. I have been waiting so long to stretch my wings and fly...or flutter... or what ever it is that butterflies do. Sometimes during the healing process we have to peel back the layers to get to the real issues and once we acknowledge those issues that keep holding us back, then the healing can begin. I am looking forward to the flight.

I won't say that my life has been easy this past month. It's been a huge change for not only me, but for all of us. I know it's hardest on Ed because he is no longer with us here in our home. I feel bad for that, but feel good about the space between us. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long, long time. Sometimes change is good. :)

Butterflies are free ya know......