Thursday, January 31, 2008

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!

..this SNOW that is. I say bring it....I want a 2 hr delay or school called off tomorrow. I could use the 3 day weekend, heh, heh. Nothing like a 3 day Birthday celebration, RIGHT??? Oh, who am I kidding, this weekend is going to be all about Jade and her 9th birthday. I can't believe my little girl is going to be NINE!!! Where have the years gone?

I gotta tell you that in the past few years, I have really shyed away about celebrating my birthday since it's all about Jade (her BD is the day after mine). I guess it was that turning 40 thing. Kinda makes you feel OLD, ya know? And as parents, we can get lost in our kids' world and kinda forget about the fact that we are people too.

I think THIS year, I am going to embrace the fact that I am going to be 43.
Yeah, that's right, I said 43~!~!~!~!~! I mean why not embrace it, denying the fact that I am getting old won't change the fact that I am, right? Did that make any sense? I hope so. I am trying to say that I am happy to have made it through 43 years. How lucky I am to be alive and I mean that with every fiber of my being. I have lived hard at times, not always taking care of myself by the things I was doing and how I made it to this point is nothing shy of a miracle to me.

Here's hoping that during my 43rd year of life, I can actually accomplish some of the goals I set out to accomplish before this train got derailed for about oh....4 years. Let's hope....there is that word again...hope.....I like the fact that it keeps popping up in my vocabulary recently. Hope, that sweet little 4 letter word that is going to deliver me to sanity this year. Gotta love it. HOPE!!!

SO in case you are wondering what I have done to Heal Thyself lately? Well, I can tell you this...I am kicking the Diet Coke habit. This is proving to be much harder that I originally thought. Hell, it's the only vice I have left. Don't drink, don't smoke anymore.....but the Diet Coke has GOT TO GO BABY! That crap is bad, bad, bad for you. I know it, and rationally I see that I need to give it up, but for some reason, I always slide backwards and go back to's like a monkey on my back. Do they make Diet Coke patches like the nicotine patches? Cuz, if so, I need one....or a whole case maybe.

The next thing I have done, is decided to stop weighing myself 3 times a day every day. Cuz the scales just pish me off. They say..."hey, one at a time, one at a time please!!". Which in turn, hurts my feeling and then I do some more emotional eating and withdraw some more. So, screw the scales for right now. I wish I could throw them out in the trash, but I might need them down the road, right?

I am eating healthy everyday. And increasing my water intake and drinking green tea and taking my vitamins. I wish I could add to the list that I am exercising, but that would be a lie. I like working out actually, only I am a wuss. I need a work out partner and I can't seem to find anyone that wants to fill that position.:(
Pretty sad excuse for not taking my arse to the gym, that I have a membership to and don't use.

So, there you have it. The days are closing in on me. Only two days until I turn 43 and I really do hope that this will be the best year I have had in a long while. I am hopeful, that it will be. I am counting on it to be. I need it to be.

Here is hoping that it's gonna be a great year for all of you too. :)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Healing Thyself

You know sometimes life takes you a journey that you never really asked to be on. Sometimes the journey turns out to be pretty cool. And sometimes it SUCKS.

I've been on a journey that I sho nuff didn't ask to be on, but I would like to think that b/c of that journey, I am a better woman for it. I just see life differently now. I have learned that life is not about things, but the people you are lucky enough to have in it.

Like children for example.....what greater gift is there than the gift of experiencing the unconditional love of a child? I don't know if for me, there was a greater gift than the gift of my two daughters. I love them both to pieces. But, b/c of them....I see life better than I did before. I have learned more from Ivy that I ever thought possible and she is my hero b/c every single day she is challenged yet she is a champion at the end of every day b/c she is a survivor.

The same could be said about my sweet Jade. She is more than a survivor. She is an inspiration. She is the best big sister ever in the whole wide world. God knew what he was doing when he chose Jade to be Ivy's sibling. I would never question that for a minute. She is so strong and independant and knows what she likes and what she wants. She is solid and stands her ground to fight whatever cause she currently believes in. She is exactly the kind of big sister you would want if you had a choice.

SO, anyway back to the topic at hand, as I have been on this journey for the past 4 years....I have learned a lot about life and why things are the way they are and I have decided to embark on a self chosen journey. I have devoted that past 3 years to getting Ivy well and healing her. Now, I choose to *heal thyself*. I need to be well. It's just time. In fact, it's long overdue.

What I need is a pit stop. I need sleep. I need to eat right. I need to get moving and exercise. I need to listen to my inner voice when I know it's talking to me but I just choose to ignore it. I need to nuture the relationships that I have let go to the wayside as I put all else aside to rally for my child's future. I need to prepare myself for the future. Heavy sigh......the question is....can I accomplish this? Can I really take time for myself so that I heal too? Because I am about a zillion little pieces. I need to pull myself back together so that I can function as one human being. I can't imagine going on for one more day in the skin that I am in. It's time to shed and get moving.

So, if you see me in the future and you talk to me and I seem different, hopefully it is because I am. Hopefully, the changes will be subtle...but you'll notice them. Hope. I like the sound of that word. It deserves to be repeated: HOPE!!! It's something that I haven't had in a long, long time and I want it!!!

HOPE!! I want it!!!



I want it!!!

I think I may have started today. I asked off work today with the intent of doing something for Jade's birthday party this weekend. I decided to sleep in, shower and putz around the house and DO NOTHING. I can't remember the last time, I had the dang house to husband....just me and my big pink, fuzzy house slippers putzing around the house. I am gonna watch Ellen and The Young and the Restless and cook a nice dinner and just BE. I am just going to BE!! No agenda, no motive, not schedule.....just BE!! Hell, I might just take a nap while I am at it.

So, as the close of January comes to us....I challenge you to *heal thyself* with me. I am going to continue to post my updates and let you know how I am doing and I encourage you to let me know how you are healing onseself as well.

Here's to looking 43 right in the eye!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Lost my own dang blog

Okay, I am seriously a DORK. I lost my blog...couldn't find my user and password.

Anywho, I found myself and I am back in the saddle again. I love Wednesday. Oh do the hump, do the humpty hump......