Tuesday, September 23, 2008

S is for SORRY

The good thing is that we can always say the words, "I'm sorry" and start over again right? When things go south and everything seems wrong and all inside out, we can just hit the restart button by issuing a simple, "I'm sorry".

I had some sorry's to say yesterday and I feel better today because of it. There are many "I'm sorry's" said in this household....unfortunately. It goes with the territory of screaming meltdowns....and tempoer tantrums by both children and adults.

I am happy to report that we have started a new chore chart/reward chart thingy with the girls which is moving along so smoothly that there are just not enough o's in the word smooooth to describe it! Loving it so far and the girls really, really dig it.

Peace to all of you reading and let me just say that I am sorry for my last depressing post. I will try to keep up a more positive vibe if I can. Thanks to the love I received from my friends. I love you right back!


Sunday, September 21, 2008

R is for REALITY

The reality of autism, is that is just plain sucks. My life sucks. Our family life sucks. Autism sucks the life out of everything. I suck because of autism. I suck as a mom and wife. I suck as a daughter and a sister, a friend. I have nothing left to give to anyone...nothing.

This morning, I had a melt down and I ran away. I ended up in the Wal*Mart parking lot, alone and crying and shaking with the very sad realization that I have no one to turn to because of autism. I couldn't quite put my finger on it as to when or how it happened, but it has. I wanted so badly to reach out to someone and tell them I was hurting and yet I couldn't think of anyone to call. Who wants to listen to me whine and complain that my life isn't fair and I want a recount?

I mean I do have some family and do have friendships. But the sad truth that I am so alienated from everyone because of autism. I have no one that I could pick up the phone and say I am hurting and they would know my pain. I don't let anyone in anymore. I have estranged myself from both my mom and my step-mom out of anger. I need them and they are off doing their own things right now. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom ya know? Both my dad and my step dad passed away years ago. I do have 2 brothers that have their own lives and their own set of problems and I don't feel that we are connected enough to me for either one of them to notice that I am drowning over here. I do have some friends that I once considered great friends, but I am so far away from them now too. I just feel different from everyone else and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. I feel so alone and on the outside looking in to all of their lives. I feel different.

I hate that my home is so discontent. I hate arguing with my husband every in and day out. I hate the yelling and screaming and fighting and kicking and hitting and the door slamming that goes on every day inside my home with Ivy and now Jade too... it's loud and it's inside my head....inside my heart. I hate that we are falling apart more and more each day and that I can't fix it anymore. I hate that we spend so much money to make Ivy better and everything and everyone else suffers because of it. I hate that there is never enough money at the end of every month to pay the bills or for the extra fun stuff that you sometimes need to treat yourself to. I hate that month after month, I am robbing Peter to pay Paul and I am tired of being the juggler in the circus of my life. I hate my life. I hate that I can't say no to things I know I have no time for. I hate the stress. I hate it all.

The REALITY is, that a family with autism is not pretty. The REALITY is, that I want to run away and never come back some days (like today). The REALITY is, that no matter how much I pray for it, how much I wish for it, how much I try to do it differently...nothing will ever change the fact that AUTISM stole my child from me and then slowly like a cancer, it spread it's ugly ass disease into everyone else's life in this family until we all hate each other now. I know my husband hates me. I know my kids hate me. My kids hate each other too. It's just a big, fat, ugly vicious circle spewing out it's vile, nasty disease....never ending, always coming. It keeps on going until it has affected all of us and the stress is so bad and never ending that it shatters everything you had ever hoped for, it rips all your dreams apart and then mocks you and it keeps knocking you back down and hanging on like some weed...choking the life out of you. It grows on still hungry, still searching for more life to take from you until you have nothing left to give to anyone, even yourself.

That is the REALITY of my life. Pretty ain't it?

Monday, September 15, 2008


Which is what I have felt like doing sooooooo many times since we got Ivy's diagnosis 4 years ago. Sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, down in your hole and just...QUIT. But every time I think about QUITTING, I hear that old saying play in my head..."winners never QUIT and QUITTERS never win". I have no idea where I heard that from growing up, but it has always, always stuck with me. So, therefore, I cannot allow myself to QUIT. I just have to breathe and move on.

I feel so sad for parents with children of autism. Most of them carry on a good front in public, but behind closed doors, they weep and they wonder how they make it through. Don't get me wrong, we parents of ASD kids DO NOT feel sorry for ourselves. We just feel like no matter what, it's never enough. It spills over in every area of your life. It's never enough for your ASD child, it's never enough for your neurotypical children, it's never enough for your husband, it's never enough for your family, it's never enough for your friends, it's never enough for yourself...EVER! It's the very thing that makes one want to QUIT.

Usually the thing that pulls me out of my hole, the thing that makes me want to keep on keeping on, is that fact that my child IS recovering. So, all the therapy, all the time spent waiting in Dr's' office's, all the dietary intervention, all the nutritional supplementing, all the the hoping, all the praying really does help. It allows me to continue forward and not QUIT. I suppose as long as there is breath left in me, I will never QUIT, never give up. I encourage all parents of ASD kids to never give up, never QUIT. No matter how bad it gets, there is always tomorrow, always another day to try again. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that you find just thing that will make your child betterand if you QUIT, then you will never know that. So, keep your head up, stay out of your hole and believe that your child is already healed!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Laughter really is the best medicine

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried...or you felt like your sides were going to split? For me, it was LAST NIGHT. I met with a group of friends and we had some free entertainment last night. We literally laughed until we cried and was near to getting thrown out of O'Charley's I think. You can't take us anywhere, can you?

Well, I just wanted to write and tell you that if you haven't laughed lately, that maybe, just maybe, you need to do some of that and real soon!! I suggest an evening out with some very humorous people, but renting a good comedy would do too. Just do something that would make you laugh. You will feel better afterwards, I promise!

Today, life just doesn't seem so serious, so negative, so bogged down. It feels light and airy and I may just not do a dang thing the rest of the day other than post this new entry to my blog. :p

Here's to laughter...