Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Finding the COURAGE

I know it's been a while since I last posted and to be honest, I have just been at a loss for words. If you know me at all, then you will know that if I am at a loss for words, then I am bad off. :)

I just wanted to report that I have found the COURAGE to change the things I can. It wasn't an easy decision, but I did arrive there....finally. Now that I know what my plan is, I can work each day towards that goal. I feel a great sense of relief with that.

The girls are doing well. They were both quite sick 2 weeks ago and each of them missed 3 days of school. I believe that the sick bug has finally left our house. We are anxiously awaiting Springs arrival. It can't get here soon enough as far as I am concerned. I am going to jump start my Spring, by heading home to California over Spring Break. I am taking a much needed "Lisa Vacation"...all alone with no husband and no kids. Scandalous, I know....but SO WELL DESERVED!!!

That is all I have to say for now. I am hoping that my inspiration returns soon and I can get back to working on my book and posting regularly here. I haven't written any pages for the book for so long now. It's hard to write when you feel so uninspired to do so. Hang in there, better days are coming!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Self-pity wins again

I get so mad at myself for letting the situation eat me alive. I know better. I have been here before and it's an ugly, ugly place. Last time I was here, I nearly drowned in my own self-pity. I guess the good thing this time around, is that I was able to recognize it way earlier and once you recognize & accept it, like all first steps, you can begin to change or heal it.

So the question is how did I let myself get back here? I am ashamed that I let it swallow me up. I was completely down in the bowels of self-pity and self-hatred this time. I pretty much just gave in and and said, "here take me over, because I don't have the will power to fight you anymore."

Ok, so the revelation that I have given myself over to it, yet again, has been made. Now, I just need to move forward through the muck of my daily life and get to the other side again where there is respite care waiting for me. The thing is, I already know this. I know that all I have ever had to do was call His name, and He would be there help me through. Why do I always seem to forget that when I need it most? Because I am human and I fail quite often.

My plan is to start focusing on the clutter of my life and weeding out the unnecessary. Only then can I begin to focus on the true matter at hand here. If I am not well mentally and emotionally, then someone around me is also suffering. I can think of two "someones" that can't afford to have Mommy whacked out of her gourd. I owe it to them to be better and I owe it to myself as well. When and if you read this, please stop and say a prayer for me. I need strength to do the right thing here.

I love the Serenity Prayer and I say it every single morning. It covers all my bases for a simple plan to life.

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. 44 years young. Last year was not the best year in my life. In fact, it was quite possibly the crappiest year I have ever had. It brought much pain and heartache with it. All wasn't bad though. I did make it to Washington DC and was part of history making and for that I will always be grateful. I am hoping with all of my heart that this year will bring much happiness to me.

I know there are huge changes just on the horizon for me, but I am not going to be sad and mope around about it. I am going to be happy, positive and move forward. I will be ok. I have friends and family that love and support me. Happy Birthday to me!

As Bob Marley says,

Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!