Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Roller Coaster Ride

Somebody please stop this thing, because I want to get off right now. My life just keeps going up and down, back and forth, and in crazy, crazy circles. I feel like I am riding the roller coaster of life these days. One minute I am up and then I am down. I am really, really getting motion sickness I think. Time to check out and get off the ride before the whiplash does permanent damage to me.

I have been making some pretty poor decisions that are affecting me mentally and emotionally. I can't afford to take too many steps backwards here, so now is the time to stop and correct my course before I get too far off the track. Reel in and regroup. Sorry this post is so random and scattered. I am just feeling very unorganized and disheveled this morning and I needed to vent. I know that sometimes I think TOO MUCH, but this time I am pretty sure that I need to stop, look around and size up if what I am doing is healthy for me. If I am even questioning it, I will take that as an answer that indeed, I am screwing up and need to start over. Good thing the sun comes up again each and every day and that we can start it all over. I am in desperate need of a re-do right now. Keep me in your thoughts that I can focus on the big picture here and not get lost on my way. Namaste.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I love this acronymn. I am the acronym QUEEN! Anyone that knows me, knows that this is true..KWIM? LOL!! Anyway, I am sure you know this one without me even telling, but just in case you don't it stands for: Pray Until Something Happens. I used to have that hanging on my fridge where I could see it daily. I think I need to hang it back up there. I need to keep *PUSHING*. I need to keep praying. I need to keep faith that it'll all work out. When I don't pray for answers, things can get really jammed up in my life pretty darn quickly. For me, it's a work in progress. Learning to make prayer part of your daily routine is what's tricky. It's just one of those things you just have to make time for. So, I have no clue what the future holds for me, but I do know that if I just PUSH...then good things will surely follow.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

A friend recently sent me a note and said if I wanted to get re-inspired to write, I should go back over my blog and get inspiration from that. At first thought, it sounded like an excellent idea (and it is) but after mulling over it for a week or more I decided that I am afraid to do that. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid that I won't LIKE what I see is probably more like it. It's not that I can't embrace my past, it's that I am at this crossroad in my life where I have one foot in the past and one in the future and I am paralyzed with the thought of going back. I don't want to relive those times, those heartaches, those disappointments.

Yesterday I sort of had an epiphany. I love it when I have one of those, because it usually means healing is coming close behind it. I was watching a show on TV about addiction and one parents struggle to save his son from addiction. At one point the father said, "I realized that I too, was addicted. I was addicted to saving my son". That hit me like a ton of bricks and the light bulb clicked on. I already know and accept that I have addiction problems and struggle with an addictive personality, but hearing that really drove it home for me. That is the life I have been living for the past 5 years. I was addicted to saving Ivy from the throws of autism. I was obsessed with saving her. Looking back now it's so simple to see. I traded one addiction for another. Now is the time when I could really get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of life.

There are certainly things I could of done better, like reaching out more to friends and family and not trying to be such a martyr when it came to Ivy's recovery. There are certainly things I should have done but didn't, like asking for help when I was drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow and shutting Ed out because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die some days. Then there are certainly things I would have done if I had only had the resources to do so. But I let resentments and hatred blind me and not allow for things to flow into my life that might have if I hadn't been so closed off to it. I have learned from the mistakes and I am suddenly aware that it has been an addiction for me and I also know that like all other addictions, I am going to have to let this go and turn it over to God.

Life is really going to be ok now. Ivy is healing more and more every day and that in itself is a true miracle. I guess I can't really say that I regret that I was obsessed and addicted to saving her, because ultimately, I believe it is why she is where she is today. My drive and determination is what pulled her out of the darkness and back into the light. For once I can be grateful for my addictive personality! So rather than sit here and dwell on the what-if's, I think I will just embrace my faults and the fact that the past is the past and my life is going exactly where I want it to go right now.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Gratitude List Number 997

Yeah that's right, yet another gratitude list. When I get all twisted up inside, I have to make a list or I might say/do something I later regret. Amazing how much 24 hrs can change your whole outlook on life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about I woke up in an awesome mood and then things went south pretty darn quick. My kids apparently had other ideas about how they felt today and boy did they ever let me know. My car decided it doesn't want to go anymore, I had an argument with my estranged and the list just keeps going. SO....because I am feeling so down about a couple of things, I decided the best remedy would be to make a gratitude list.

OK, I realize that some of these are pretty insignificant, but they are things that make me happy and that I am truly grateful for. That's all I got peeps.


1) for God for being my constant companion and carrying me through these hard times.

2) for my friends who are holding me up and listening to me whine and gripe about the goings on in my life. You know who you are.

3) for my kids who are the inspiration behind my motives these days.

4) for the warm sun that should be in the sky everyday as far as I am concerned.

5) for good music to carry me away from my own problems.

6) for exercise to help relieve my stress.

7) for Yoplait Whips Dulce de Leche yogurt cups...these are TDF!!

8) for Pottery Barn catalogs that I can escape to in the bath tub.

9) for my mom for all she does for me

10) for my new phone so that I can text with lightening speed now