Sunday, September 21, 2008

R is for REALITY

The reality of autism, is that is just plain sucks. My life sucks. Our family life sucks. Autism sucks the life out of everything. I suck because of autism. I suck as a mom and wife. I suck as a daughter and a sister, a friend. I have nothing left to give to anyone...nothing.

This morning, I had a melt down and I ran away. I ended up in the Wal*Mart parking lot, alone and crying and shaking with the very sad realization that I have no one to turn to because of autism. I couldn't quite put my finger on it as to when or how it happened, but it has. I wanted so badly to reach out to someone and tell them I was hurting and yet I couldn't think of anyone to call. Who wants to listen to me whine and complain that my life isn't fair and I want a recount?

I mean I do have some family and do have friendships. But the sad truth that I am so alienated from everyone because of autism. I have no one that I could pick up the phone and say I am hurting and they would know my pain. I don't let anyone in anymore. I have estranged myself from both my mom and my step-mom out of anger. I need them and they are off doing their own things right now. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom ya know? Both my dad and my step dad passed away years ago. I do have 2 brothers that have their own lives and their own set of problems and I don't feel that we are connected enough to me for either one of them to notice that I am drowning over here. I do have some friends that I once considered great friends, but I am so far away from them now too. I just feel different from everyone else and I just don't know where I fit in anymore. I feel so alone and on the outside looking in to all of their lives. I feel different.

I hate that my home is so discontent. I hate arguing with my husband every in and day out. I hate the yelling and screaming and fighting and kicking and hitting and the door slamming that goes on every day inside my home with Ivy and now Jade too... it's loud and it's inside my head....inside my heart. I hate that we are falling apart more and more each day and that I can't fix it anymore. I hate that we spend so much money to make Ivy better and everything and everyone else suffers because of it. I hate that there is never enough money at the end of every month to pay the bills or for the extra fun stuff that you sometimes need to treat yourself to. I hate that month after month, I am robbing Peter to pay Paul and I am tired of being the juggler in the circus of my life. I hate my life. I hate that I can't say no to things I know I have no time for. I hate the stress. I hate it all.

The REALITY is, that a family with autism is not pretty. The REALITY is, that I want to run away and never come back some days (like today). The REALITY is, that no matter how much I pray for it, how much I wish for it, how much I try to do it differently...nothing will ever change the fact that AUTISM stole my child from me and then slowly like a cancer, it spread it's ugly ass disease into everyone else's life in this family until we all hate each other now. I know my husband hates me. I know my kids hate me. My kids hate each other too. It's just a big, fat, ugly vicious circle spewing out it's vile, nasty disease....never ending, always coming. It keeps on going until it has affected all of us and the stress is so bad and never ending that it shatters everything you had ever hoped for, it rips all your dreams apart and then mocks you and it keeps knocking you back down and hanging on like some weed...choking the life out of you. It grows on still hungry, still searching for more life to take from you until you have nothing left to give to anyone, even yourself.

That is the REALITY of my life. Pretty ain't it?


Heather said...

i'm sorry lisa. i hate that this is a reality. know that you are not alone. though my reality is from a different cause, it is a lot like you describe.

Melanie said...

i'm so sorry, lisa.

i hope it is helpful for you to share what is real about your life. the truth is that you don't have to hide or be ashamed because there are ugly truths about every home.

praying for you.