Thursday, July 14, 2011

Oddest Places

Last night felt just like deja vu' for sure. I found myself in the parking lot of a famous big box store shaking with anger, frustration and wondering where exactly is my life going these days? Really? Has it come to this AGAIN? All I could think of was I didn't have anyone to call. Who wants to hear me whine about my troubles yet again, for the one millionth time in the past 2 yrs?
Do I cry? No. I can't even muster up tears I am so upset. Everything is caving in all around me and my life is once again, out-of-control. Hello stranger, where you been hiding yourself lately? Welcome back and let's hope you don't hang around for long.

In the course of about 3 mths, I have had some serious issues. Starting with my oven which will not heat up. I can use the cooktop, but the oven doesn't work. Next came the washing machine, fills and empties, but won't agitate or you KNOW how much laundry we produce each week? Next comes my first ever speeding ticket. Next comes my first ever wreck of backing into someone in a parking lot and having a $1000 deductible which means I have to pay for this one on my own. Next comes my fridge this week which decided to poop out with all the other appliances in my house. Last night was the icing on the cake. I hear my ex is planning to take me to court for full custody because I am an unfit mother. Really?? Really?? Really, I ask again?

I am at maximum stress level at this point. I am going to say this OUT LOUD. I was soooo, soooo stupid for not getting myself an attorney and ending this thing already. I went to one and was planning on filing and the ex talked me out of it. He thought that it would be much cheaper if we did it together through the courthouse. BIG MISTAKE. Now it seems that decision has come back around to bite me right in the butt. I am just too nice is the problem. I felt sorry for him.

What is wrong with me? I believe that this is the perfect example of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I have myself so backed into a corner right now, that I am not sure I can work myself out of it. How many times am I going to let myself be the guy getting sand kicked in his face?

I just want this nightmare to be over. Can someone please wake me up??? Throw me a line, lend me a hand, give me a swift kick in the butt. Just please, don't let me drown here in my own self pity and my own certain stupidity. And whatever you do, please stop saying you told me so! Believe me, NO ONE knows more than I do, that I screwed up, ok? So let's just leave it at that. Just like that old cliche', it's easier said than done here. It's not like I can just whip out a wad of cash and march down to the attorney's office and file. That takes money and right now, money is something I have very little of. I have been barely treading water for the past year and a half and each and every week, I rob Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet and do what I have to do for my girls. I have a lot of expenses and lots of money going out and not enough coming in. I just got a second job 2 weeks ago and hopefully that will take some of the financial burden off me, but I am going to be one tired woman working 60-70 hours a week now. But hey, enough whining already. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do what a girl has to do.

If the universe was ever screaming to a person to wake up, it's got to be shouting my name! I hear you, I got it. I get it. Life is what you make it and if there is one thing I have learned from this whole ugly experience, you aren't in control of it no matter how much you wish you were. My life plan is already laid out for me, if I would just follow the script! Why, why, why do I always try to take over the directors job? Each and every time I do that, I always find myself flat out in the middle of the floor on my back because that certain someone (and you know who that is) just yanked the rug out from under me to get my attention. Unfortunately, I can't hear well, so I have to be knocked over the head before I get the signs.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him.