Saturday, August 30, 2008

Say it isn't so....

Summer can't be over already can it? I could just cry!!! I live for the summertime and the warm sunny days of summer vaction. Summer break wasn't so sunny for me this time around though.

Went to DC and then got back and had a little bit of a nervous break down I guess. Wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself anymore. Should I stay married, keep working, move away, go back to college? All life changing and thought consuming thoughts for sure. The stress I have experienced this summer I do not wish even on my worst enemy by the way. It nearly broke my spirit. I have never been so low as I was the past few months. All the while planning a 25 yr class reunion, remodeling my home, getting ready for a visit from my mom and from friends from across the ocean in Germany, getting back to school supplies together and uniforms purchased, going back to work myself, etc. It was enough to break you right in two. I ended up in bed after 2 continuous months of doing nothing but going and going and going some more. That is how it always ends for me...sick in bed with recurrent mono type symptoms.

I had a visit from an angel though through the midst of it all. My dear friend Roswitha came to stay with me from Germany and seeing her, being with her, talking with her reminded me that once upon a time, I used to be someone. Someone other than Ed's wife or Jade and Ivy's mom. I was a someone that had hopes and dreams and traveled the world and lived life to the fullest. Where had that girl gone to I wonder as we sat one night on my patio listening to the hum of the chicada's in the trees outback? Where was she? Why could Roswitha see me, but I couldn't see myself in my own mirror? She gave me some good advice and that was to spend time with Lisa once a week and get to know myself again and to reflect on the things I want most out of life. I can see now that she is right. I have been depriving myself of a good life trying to save Ivy's. If I am not well, both mentally and spiritually, then how can I be of any good to my girls or my husband?

Autism is never going to go away in my house. It's here to stay like a big fat, red underground ZIT on your chin. You can cover it up with make-up, but you know it's still there and even though people don't say anything, THEY know it's there as well. So, the question do you get around it since you know you have to just live with it? How do I find the balance in my life, in my marriage? In my time spent with the girls? How do I continue to love someone I am not sure if I can even stand some days? I have no clue really. I just keep trudging along and hoping that somehow, someway I will get it right for once. I keep praying for God to save me and that is all I can hope for in the end. I pray for saving grace.

I found that while speaking with my dear friend, the dark clouds began to dissipate and the sun came out again. We talked about the importance of eating a healthy diet, choosing the right foods, drinking lots of water, getting some exercise daily, etc. Things I already know...but somehow have gotten so far away from. I practiced her principals while she was here and by the end of her visit, not only was my spirit renewed, but I was a miraculous 9 pounds lighter too. I plan to keep up the work I have started and will see where I am this time next year. I am not dieting, but I am making life changes for myself instead.

I start school in about a month and can't wait to get back in the saddle again. By summer, I will be making plans to set up my nutrition consulting business. Things are really looking up indeed. I plan to travel ALONE to Germany next summer for a couple-three weeks. You heard me right, I am going ALONE. No husband, no children. It will be just the thing I need to jump start my new career. I am going to embark on a journey to find myself while I am over there too. We will see if I left her somewhere across the ocean, or if she has been with me all along after all.

Here are some pics of our summer happenings:


Heather said...

what a great friend you have! and so excited to watch LISA grow and accomplish so much! and watch those beautiful girls blossom as well!

Melanie said...

Lisa, I have wondered and worried about what is going on with you.

What a wise and wonderful gift of a friend you have!

A year ago, I was depressed, out of control, a total mess. But, by doing the very things that you are doing, my life has come back together. Finally, I can see myself again. I can see that I am a person too.

So many women think it is saintly to neglect one's self for one's family. And sometimes, this is necessary. But just remember, when you are on a plane, and you need oxygen, they always tell you to put the mask on yourself first. We just cannot care for others when our own tank is constantly empty.

I am so proud of you for your honesty, and for the changes you are making in your life. I make time for myself every single day--usually going to the gym. And I am simply a NEW WOMAN. You deserve the same level of love and care that you give to your family... and you will be all the better caretaker for it.

Also, remember to pour yourself out before the Lord every day. Tell him your struggles. Draw near to him and he will draw near to you.... Love you, my friend!!