Monday, February 9, 2009

Self-pity wins again

I get so mad at myself for letting the situation eat me alive. I know better. I have been here before and it's an ugly, ugly place. Last time I was here, I nearly drowned in my own self-pity. I guess the good thing this time around, is that I was able to recognize it way earlier and once you recognize & accept it, like all first steps, you can begin to change or heal it.

So the question is how did I let myself get back here? I am ashamed that I let it swallow me up. I was completely down in the bowels of self-pity and self-hatred this time. I pretty much just gave in and and said, "here take me over, because I don't have the will power to fight you anymore."

Ok, so the revelation that I have given myself over to it, yet again, has been made. Now, I just need to move forward through the muck of my daily life and get to the other side again where there is respite care waiting for me. The thing is, I already know this. I know that all I have ever had to do was call His name, and He would be there help me through. Why do I always seem to forget that when I need it most? Because I am human and I fail quite often.

My plan is to start focusing on the clutter of my life and weeding out the unnecessary. Only then can I begin to focus on the true matter at hand here. If I am not well mentally and emotionally, then someone around me is also suffering. I can think of two "someones" that can't afford to have Mommy whacked out of her gourd. I owe it to them to be better and I owe it to myself as well. When and if you read this, please stop and say a prayer for me. I need strength to do the right thing here.

I love the Serenity Prayer and I say it every single morning. It covers all my bases for a simple plan to life.

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.


kankelfam said...

Prayers for you, Lisa. <3