Times they are a changin'...

Bob Dylan's album came out in February of 1964 a full year before I was even born, yet today here in 2001, this song still resonates with me. I especially love this verse:


Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’

It seems the world is moving at record speed all the time now and some days I can't keep up with life. All I want to do is relax for 5 minutes, but something else is always distracting me and my thoughts along that path to relaxation. I think I have lost my ability to focus and become centered. The times they are changing for sure. If I don't get on the boat, looks like I am going to get left behind here. I don't want to be "that mom" that fights with her daughters and has a strained relationship. I want to be open and honest and non judgemental and to love my kids unconditionally. I don't want to get left behind. I know times are changing and want to be able not only understand those changes, but roll with them too!

But how do I shepherd my sweet, little sheep and keep them from straying off when we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes together without disagreeing about something? The stress and strain is wearing me out. She thinks I am so old fashioned. I think I am pretty darn opened minded and forward thinking. She thinks I treat her like a baby. I think I am way too lenient on her. She thinks I don't know good music or fashion. I DO know good music and it's not what she listens to or what she is wearing, ha ha! For now I am just going to PUSH- pray until something happens. What else can I do? I know I am not the first mom to have walked this road, parenting is just never easy, is it? Lord, help me make it through these years to come. I may not make it through them!

Acceptance

Today I am writing about my own acceptance. Never in my life have I been more aware of age and it's limitations. For the first time in my life, it has occured to me that I am middle aged. Now one would think that when I get up every day and look at my 46 yr old self in the mirror, that I would already know that, right? Wouldn't those pesky gray hairs and ever present bags under the eyes and the ever increasing wrinkles give that away? But really, truly I am seriously just now figuring it out. And for once I am feeling that my age is actually holding me back at something. That something is work.

I have been at my current job for just about 2 yrs now. Today as I was driving to work, I realized that even though I prayed and prayed for this job, that it just might not be the job for me after all. I am so very grateful to even have a job that pays decent wages and has good benefits, why should I even complain, right? The complaint lies in the fact that for the first time in my life, I have NOT been able to excel in a place that I work. I have now officially been passed over for 4 promotions. FOUR! I know that I am totally qualified, so why am I getting passed over? It can't be my job performance, which if I may toot my own horn for a minute, is excellent! It's has got to be because I am old. Nothing more, nothing less. Wow, what a slap in the face of my reality! Accept that one. You are getting passed over for promotions because you are 10-15 years older than all your co-workers. Ouch!

So about a month and half ago I started selling 31 Gifts on the side to make some extra cash since I am seemingly going nowhere in my current job. So far, I am super excited with it!! It's new and exciting and different and I am really enjoying it so far! I am motivated and I am feeling like I am being pulled in this direction from above. I never pictured myself as being in direct sales, but this really seems to be a good fit for me. My hope is to do so well with 31, that I can quit my current job, sell and recruit for 31 full time and be close to home to my 2 beautiful girls and get back to being the mom I used to be to them. Wish me luck in my new adventure. Please send positive thoughts my way if you can spare some!

And you know what? Today, I just really don't care that I am going nowhere in my current job. I know that God has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be right now and I have hope on my horizon and if this place doesn't want to promote me, well then that's quite alright and it's their loss because they have no clue exactly what they have passed over!!

Jade

I have just felt compelled to write about Jade for the past 2 days. I mean she has really been boring a hole in my brain. The though of her being sad is burning through my heart. I had the most gut wrenching heart to heart talk with her before she went to California to visit my mom and it's just weighing so heavy on my heart, still...10 days after the fact. Bless her little beautiful soul. She is one amazing kid and quite simply I just don't let her know that as often as I should. In fact, if they were giving out mother of the year awards this week, I would not only get nominated for world's worst mom, but I would win too. Hands down with no competition. I am ashamed to say that I have failed her greatly.

Everything and I mean everything in this house revolves around Ivy. Jade feels so left behind. She said some very frank and very true statements to me last week. It was enough of a jolt that I was left speechless and for those of you that know me well, that is not a common occurrence. For 10 long days I have been tossing her sad little words around in my head and then bouncing them off my heart and then only to return them back to my head for another go around. I just keep hearing the words repeat over and over again, "you ALWAYS put Ivy before me". She said many other things to me that day too that hurt, but she really drove it home with that up there^. And you know what? She is 100% right....I do.

The only way that I know how to remember all her wonderful qualities is to reflect upon them. Writing is the one way I can express those feelings and thoughts that I have about her. There's no time like the present to start writing, so here goes nothing...

My Jade is 12 years old. She is stuck in that really hard "tween" stage. Struggling with herself that she is no longer a little girl, but not yet a big girl either. She is a hard worker in school and strives to please her teachers. She makes you laugh and her sense of humor is hysterical. She loves to make other people laugh. She is multi-talented for sure. She can sing so beautifully and not afraid to sing to a crowd. She loves to act and sing and dance. She loves to write play scripts, direct them, record them, mix and edit them and then upload them. Those are just a few of the little things that make up her very complex little personality.

The thing I love most about Jade is that even though most days she can't stand her sister, she is the first one to stand up for her and watches over her like a momma hen watches over her chicks.

She is fiercely passionate about things she loves just like me. She has lots of friends and kinda known as being different and even though she doesn't like that, I do...because the means I have taught her to be her own person and not cave to conformity. She beats to the tune of her own drum. And that drums takes her to far away places in her mind. She has the most amazing imagination. She can dream anything and imagine more than most. I have always had this vision of Jade being something really big one day. She is such a little humanitarian and she doesn't even realize it. Her love for all animals is simply unbelievable, she is like some special kind of gifted animal whisperer. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and I think she would make a fine one for sure. People who loves animals like the way Jade loves them have a special place in Heaven waiting for them for sure. So those are a few things about Jade that makes her such a special young lady.

The thing I need to figure out now is how to break the current cycle we have entered now? She is very angry with me over the divorce and she blames me. Although one day she will fully understand that one person doesn't end a relationship, that it takes two, I am not sure I am going to survive her wrath in the meantime. I am not asking for her to understand complex adult issues, but I could sure use a break from her constant slinging of insults, hurtful comments and outright defiance most days. How do I get back to where we used to be? I am taking her to see a counselor and I am willing to do whatever leg work that it takes to make this better for us both. I know she is miserable too and maybe she just lashes out at me because she knows that I will always love her no matter what she says to me. All I know is that I want my little Jadie Bug back so we can start living and stop the fighting. I give...I raise my white flag! God help us get back to where we need to be please.