Monday, August 1, 2011
I have just felt compelled to write about Jade for the past 2 days. I mean she has really been boring a hole in my brain. The though of her being sad is burning through my heart. I had the most gut wrenching heart to heart talk with her before she went to California to visit my mom and it's just weighing so heavy on my heart, still...10 days after the fact. Bless her little beautiful soul. She is one amazing kid and quite simply I just don't let her know that as often as I should. In fact, if they were giving out mother of the year awards this week, I would not only get nominated for world's worst mom, but I would win too. Hands down with no competition. I am ashamed to say that I have failed her greatly.
Everything and I mean everything in this house revolves around Ivy. Jade feels so left behind. She said some very frank and very true statements to me last week. It was enough of a jolt that I was left speechless and for those of you that know me well, that is not a common occurrence. For 10 long days I have been tossing her sad little words around in my head and then bouncing them off my heart and then only to return them back to my head for another go around. I just keep hearing the words repeat over and over again, "you ALWAYS put Ivy before me". She said many other things to me that day too that hurt, but she really drove it home with that up there^. And you know what? She is 100% right....I do.
The only way that I know how to remember all her wonderful qualities is to reflect upon them. Writing is the one way I can express those feelings and thoughts that I have about her. There's no time like the present to start writing, so here goes nothing...
My Jade is 12 years old. She is stuck in that really hard "tween" stage. Struggling with herself that she is no longer a little girl, but not yet a big girl either. She is a hard worker in school and strives to please her teachers. She makes you laugh and her sense of humor is hysterical. She loves to make other people laugh. She is multi-talented for sure. She can sing so beautifully and not afraid to sing to a crowd. She loves to act and sing and dance. She loves to write play scripts, direct them, record them, mix and edit them and then upload them. Those are just a few of the little things that make up her very complex little personality.
The thing I love most about Jade is that even though most days she can't stand her sister, she is the first one to stand up for her and watches over her like a momma hen watches over her chicks.
She is fiercely passionate about things she loves just like me. She has lots of friends and kinda known as being different and even though she doesn't like that, I do...because the means I have taught her to be her own person and not cave to conformity. She beats to the tune of her own drum. And that drums takes her to far away places in her mind. She has the most amazing imagination. She can dream anything and imagine more than most. I have always had this vision of Jade being something really big one day. She is such a little humanitarian and she doesn't even realize it. Her love for all animals is simply unbelievable, she is like some special kind of gifted animal whisperer. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and I think she would make a fine one for sure. People who loves animals like the way Jade loves them have a special place in Heaven waiting for them for sure. So those are a few things about Jade that makes her such a special young lady.
The thing I need to figure out now is how to break the current cycle we have entered now? She is very angry with me over the divorce and she blames me. Although one day she will fully understand that one person doesn't end a relationship, that it takes two, I am not sure I am going to survive her wrath in the meantime. I am not asking for her to understand complex adult issues, but I could sure use a break from her constant slinging of insults, hurtful comments and outright defiance most days. How do I get back to where we used to be? I am taking her to see a counselor and I am willing to do whatever leg work that it takes to make this better for us both. I know she is miserable too and maybe she just lashes out at me because she knows that I will always love her no matter what she says to me. All I know is that I want my little Jadie Bug back so we can start living and stop the fighting. I give...I raise my white flag! God help us get back to where we need to be please.