Life is Short

Last Thursday, we got the news that Phil's mom had unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 65. What a tailspin of emotions that followed over the next few days. Phil is my honey bun. Having someone die so quickly and so unexpectedly really, really puts things into perspective for you. I have run the gamut of emotions since then. I have been up then down, then all around. I have cried several times. Felt unsure and overwhelmed and questioned everything. Of course losing a parent is never easy and I think that some of the emotional floods that came pouring out was remembering when my own father passed away and the grief and hurt I experienced at that time. Small world that it is, when my Dad retired, he took a part-time job working at the local country club regripping golf clubs and what not. Phil's mom was the club manager at the Country Club and they worked together. So there is that weird kind of connection that our parents had and now they are both gone. I would like to think as much as they both loved to golf, that maybe they are together playing a round of 18 today in Heaven. :)

So lessons learned from this: love the one your with, love openly and often, tell people NOW how you feel about them so there is nothing left to question, be thankful you are alive and well, hug your kids often, make time for your family, make that phone call TODAY not tomorrow and last but not least, lean on your friends and family and most of GOD when you find yourself in this situation. People really DO want to help in some small way. Let them! If you don't then you are stealing your Blessings!

Melancholy

I came across this wonderful quote from a famous Swiss philosopher and poet, Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) and I just loved it. It felt as if someone tore into my brain and ripped out my EXACT thoughts. The quote reads like this:

"These pages reproduce me very imperfectly, and there are many things in me of which I find no trace in them. I suppose it is because, in the first place, sadness takes up the pen more readily than joy; and, in the next, because I depend so much upon my surrounding circumstances. When there is no call upon me, and nothing to put me to the test, I fall back into melancholy; and so the practical man, the cheerful man, the literary man, does not appear in these pages. The portrait is lacking in proportion and breadth; it is one-sided, and wants a center; it has, as it were, been painted from too near".

I read that over at least 5 times. That's me! That's the girl I know! I write with passion when my back is up against the wall. The periods when I have no muse and can't find my own words are when I am happy and living my life in the open, not in my journal, in hiding...in secret. I guess that the same thing would hold true for all the great love songs coming from periods of lowliness when the people writing them had broken hearts. The best stories of our lives come from overcoming life's obstacles. When I am feeling melancholy is when I write best.
The very definition of the word melancholy is: a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression or sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

Hmmmmm....yep pretty sure that describes how I am feeling these days to a "T".

Surrender

Surrender, Surrender, but don't give yourself away.....

Does anyone ever come to the point in your life where you know that your life is unmanageable and you can't live one more moment in the skin you're in? I woke up feeling exactly that way today. nearly had a panic attack on the way to work. All I could think of was that I need to surrender my heart, my thoughts, my hang-ups and my sins to God. Surrendering ourselves to a higher power can really bring some great relief to our own miseries. I just feel like somewhere along the journey in the past 2 years, I have gotten way off track here. Probably why I am so restless, irritable and discontent. Probably why I keep finding myself feeling like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Probably why I keep finding myself asking what the heck is going on here? Why are things so crazy? Probably why I feel like I am in my own prison.

So admitting to myself and to God that there is an issue is the first step to change. Admitting that I have an issue to others is the surrendering part. Putting the claim into action is the hardest part. But I know no matter what, no matter how crazy life is for me, it's my own doing. Also, I know that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him. <3

The waiting is the hardest part

Seems we are always waiting for something or someone in life. We pray for answers to our questions, wants and for some meaning in our lives. Then, we wait. Sometimes we wait for days or months before it becomes clear to us what the answer is. Sometimes it's even longer. The waiting is the hardest part. Living life through faith and believing that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here, right now is challening to say the least. Especially so if you have issues with being impatient. Which for me, I think "impatient" is my middle name. It's so hard for me to be right here in this moment and not be thinking of what I need to do, what I ought to do, what I should have done, what I could have done, etc. When was the last time you just enjoyed the moment and really savored it for all it was worth?

Hoping for some significant changes in my life and praying for answers to come. The waiting is the hardest part. Did I mention that already??!!??