Coming to Terms

So as a middle aged woman, I got some things I've been wrestling with. It's been hard for me to admit that I am getting older. I don't think I am dealing with this getting old thing very well. Although I consider myself young at heart, I wonder sometimes how people age so damned gracefully and will I be one of them? For the first time in my life I wonder what it would feel like to be old. Will getting old mean I am no longer attractive to the opposite sex? Will I not be able to wiggle my way into a man's heart with just my looks? Or will I have to rely solely on personality, charm and my sense of humor? I envy those women who have been married for 25+ yrs. They can finally relax in middle age. They can take comfort in the fact that the man they are with still looks lovingly their way and can remember what they looked like in the younger years of their relationship. We single, middle age gals don't get that luxury. We always have to be bringing our 'A' game. We have to try to pull ourselves together and be looking good at all times! But the truth is...we are old. We are saggy and wrinkled and gray. Our bodies aren't like they used to be and they are going through God awful changes. Who wants to date women like me? I got 99 problems and a whole lotta excess baggage. You want to take me on? Well Good Luck Buddy!

I was at dinner the other night with the girls when a couple a little bit older than me walked in and they were holding hands. I looked at them and got this twinge in my heart and it hurt for like 2 seconds. I was envious. I was afraid. I felt almost panicked. What if I never meet anyone? What if the best years of my life are spent alone with myself because of all the stupid, stupid choices I have made in my life? Is this really all there is left to it? I don't want to be alone. Plain and simple. Yet, I don't want anyone in my life right now. I am a paradox. This is where I am today. Dealing with it. Coming to terms....then I just laugh at myself for being so damn serious and over thinking every little thing. Next I raise my glass and make this toast~ Here's to never growing old!