Friday, June 5, 2009

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

A friend recently sent me a note and said if I wanted to get re-inspired to write, I should go back over my blog and get inspiration from that. At first thought, it sounded like an excellent idea (and it is) but after mulling over it for a week or more I decided that I am afraid to do that. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid that I won't LIKE what I see is probably more like it. It's not that I can't embrace my past, it's that I am at this crossroad in my life where I have one foot in the past and one in the future and I am paralyzed with the thought of going back. I don't want to relive those times, those heartaches, those disappointments.

Yesterday I sort of had an epiphany. I love it when I have one of those, because it usually means healing is coming close behind it. I was watching a show on TV about addiction and one parents struggle to save his son from addiction. At one point the father said, "I realized that I too, was addicted. I was addicted to saving my son". That hit me like a ton of bricks and the light bulb clicked on. I already know and accept that I have addiction problems and struggle with an addictive personality, but hearing that really drove it home for me. That is the life I have been living for the past 5 years. I was addicted to saving Ivy from the throws of autism. I was obsessed with saving her. Looking back now it's so simple to see. I traded one addiction for another. Now is the time when I could really get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of life.

There are certainly things I could of done better, like reaching out more to friends and family and not trying to be such a martyr when it came to Ivy's recovery. There are certainly things I should have done but didn't, like asking for help when I was drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow and shutting Ed out because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die some days. Then there are certainly things I would have done if I had only had the resources to do so. But I let resentments and hatred blind me and not allow for things to flow into my life that might have if I hadn't been so closed off to it. I have learned from the mistakes and I am suddenly aware that it has been an addiction for me and I also know that like all other addictions, I am going to have to let this go and turn it over to God.

Life is really going to be ok now. Ivy is healing more and more every day and that in itself is a true miracle. I guess I can't really say that I regret that I was obsessed and addicted to saving her, because ultimately, I believe it is why she is where she is today. My drive and determination is what pulled her out of the darkness and back into the light. For once I can be grateful for my addictive personality! So rather than sit here and dwell on the what-if's, I think I will just embrace my faults and the fact that the past is the past and my life is going exactly where I want it to go right now.


Heather said...

great post! great mommy! =)

Anonymous said...

No offense taken. Follow your heart.