Wondering

I wonder if I were to quit blogging about autism, if I'd have anything to say? I wonder if I blogged about my sad, little, lonely life would anyone want to read that? Probably not. Although I love the people who can blog about being a mom, easy meal preparation, fancy photography, home decorating and thrifty shopping techniques....I just don't think that I am that kind of blogger. Afterall, I am not just any Lisa and not just any blogger and this is not just any blog, right?

What if I blogged about something entirely new and different? Is blogging still popular or is it losing it's edge? With the millions upon millions of blogs out there, is my blog even significant? Should I stop blogging altogether? Do I have anything interesting enough to share anymore?

These are all the questions that I think of whenever I click my saved link that leads me to my blog. Everytime I go to update it, I keep thinking that this blog has served it purpose and there is nothing left to give my followers. Maybe I have just outgrown it? Maybe there is just nothing left to say about autism that hasn't already been said by thousands of other people blogging about the exact same thing!
Unfortunately, autism is main stream now. It's everywhere you look. Some one has a sad story about the atrocities of autism and how it stole their loved one away from them. That's the bitch about this whole thing. It's just another day in paradise for those of us struggling with our 1 in 150 kids. That's a helluva lot of kids. So there are now a helluva lot of people out there with the same damn, tired old story that I have. Telling my story of autism is kinda like beating a dead horse.

SO...unless I can come up with some reason to keep this blog going, I think I am just going to give it up. I have chronicled our journey online for the past 5 yrs. Maybe it's time for me to step down off my soap box and hand the mike over to some other mom who has a child that has recently been diagnosed....let her tell you her story? I don't know...just sorta thinking out loud here. If you should happen to read this post, please leave a comment and gimme your thoughts!

Let's reflect for a minute

You know, when I'm stuck and not sure which way to go, I always like to reflect on the past to see exactly how far I have come and see if that helps push me a little further down the road. Reflecting on the past is to think, ponder, or meditate on life's events that lead up to the here and now. It keeps you grounded and humble and let's you see how life always has a way of working itself out for the best.

I was thinking yesterday about Ivy and how far she has come since being diagnosed at age three with autism. I remember that day clearly, like it was yesterday. The lady said to me, "well yeah Ivy is on the autism spectrum and there is no cure for autism and here is some paperwork about autism you might wanna read, any questions?" She plopped a whole pile of paperwork in my hands and I walked out the door just numb. I wasn't sure I was going to make it across the parking lot to my car without buckling under. I remember talking to God as soon as I got in my car and saying, "please show me what to do".

The very next morning, I got on Google and typed in the words "cure for autism"...the first thing that came up was info on THE GFCF Diet and how people were bringing their kids out of autism by doing this diet. I was hopeful that this was my answer. That morning I sat and read for hours about how I could help my daughter. It was the beginning to my road map to recovery. I knew I had to save her no matter the cost. I would stop at nothing to get her better. I would leave no stones unturned. I would try everything there was to try and start from scratch if need be. I only had a small window of opportunity to pull her out of it and I was in a race against time.

Reflecting back, I was truly a mad woman. I was obsessed and addicted to healing her. It cost me a lot in the end. I am completely broke and don't have a dime to my name, I lost friendships over it, lost family connections, and even my marriage didn't survive it. But would I change a thing about the journey? HELL NO! I would do exactly the same thing all over again if it meant saving my kid. I don't regret a single moment of the hell we've lived for the last five years. Because it was all worth it to see her beautiful face light up when you walk into the room and it's worth it when she masters something new each day. It's worth it when I see her forming friendships and maturing more each year. It's worth it when I see her excel in school and become one of the top students in her class. It's worth it when I see her playing with her sister without screaming and throwing a tantrum. It's all worth it.
So no regrets here, only gratitude today.

The Roller Coaster Ride

Somebody please stop this thing, because I want to get off right now. My life just keeps going up and down, back and forth, and in crazy, crazy circles. I feel like I am riding the roller coaster of life these days. One minute I am up and then I am down. I am really, really getting motion sickness I think. Time to check out and get off the ride before the whiplash does permanent damage to me.


I have been making some pretty poor decisions that are affecting me mentally and emotionally. I can't afford to take too many steps backwards here, so now is the time to stop and correct my course before I get too far off the track. Reel in and regroup. Sorry this post is so random and scattered. I am just feeling very unorganized and disheveled this morning and I needed to vent. I know that sometimes I think TOO MUCH, but this time I am pretty sure that I need to stop, look around and size up if what I am doing is healthy for me. If I am even questioning it, I will take that as an answer that indeed, I am screwing up and need to start over. Good thing the sun comes up again each and every day and that we can start it all over. I am in desperate need of a re-do right now. Keep me in your thoughts that I can focus on the big picture here and not get lost on my way. Namaste.

P.U.S.H.

I love this acronymn. I am the acronym QUEEN! Anyone that knows me, knows that this is true..KWIM? LOL!! Anyway, I am sure you know this one without me even telling, but just in case you don't it stands for: Pray Until Something Happens. I used to have that hanging on my fridge where I could see it daily. I think I need to hang it back up there. I need to keep *PUSHING*. I need to keep praying. I need to keep faith that it'll all work out. When I don't pray for answers, things can get really jammed up in my life pretty darn quickly. For me, it's a work in progress. Learning to make prayer part of your daily routine is what's tricky. It's just one of those things you just have to make time for. So, I have no clue what the future holds for me, but I do know that if I just PUSH...then good things will surely follow.

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

A friend recently sent me a note and said if I wanted to get re-inspired to write, I should go back over my blog and get inspiration from that. At first thought, it sounded like an excellent idea (and it is) but after mulling over it for a week or more I decided that I am afraid to do that. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid that I won't LIKE what I see is probably more like it. It's not that I can't embrace my past, it's that I am at this crossroad in my life where I have one foot in the past and one in the future and I am paralyzed with the thought of going back. I don't want to relive those times, those heartaches, those disappointments.

Yesterday I sort of had an epiphany. I love it when I have one of those, because it usually means healing is coming close behind it. I was watching a show on TV about addiction and one parents struggle to save his son from addiction. At one point the father said, "I realized that I too, was addicted. I was addicted to saving my son". That hit me like a ton of bricks and the light bulb clicked on. I already know and accept that I have addiction problems and struggle with an addictive personality, but hearing that really drove it home for me. That is the life I have been living for the past 5 years. I was addicted to saving Ivy from the throws of autism. I was obsessed with saving her. Looking back now it's so simple to see. I traded one addiction for another. Now is the time when I could really get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of life.

There are certainly things I could of done better, like reaching out more to friends and family and not trying to be such a martyr when it came to Ivy's recovery. There are certainly things I should have done but didn't, like asking for help when I was drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow and shutting Ed out because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die some days. Then there are certainly things I would have done if I had only had the resources to do so. But I let resentments and hatred blind me and not allow for things to flow into my life that might have if I hadn't been so closed off to it. I have learned from the mistakes and I am suddenly aware that it has been an addiction for me and I also know that like all other addictions, I am going to have to let this go and turn it over to God.

Life is really going to be ok now. Ivy is healing more and more every day and that in itself is a true miracle. I guess I can't really say that I regret that I was obsessed and addicted to saving her, because ultimately, I believe it is why she is where she is today. My drive and determination is what pulled her out of the darkness and back into the light. For once I can be grateful for my addictive personality! So rather than sit here and dwell on the what-if's, I think I will just embrace my faults and the fact that the past is the past and my life is going exactly where I want it to go right now.

Gratitude List Number 997

Yeah that's right, yet another gratitude list. When I get all twisted up inside, I have to make a list or I might say/do something I later regret. Amazing how much 24 hrs can change your whole outlook on life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about things....today I woke up in an awesome mood and then things went south pretty darn quick. My kids apparently had other ideas about how they felt today and boy did they ever let me know. My car decided it doesn't want to go anymore, I had an argument with my estranged and the list just keeps going. SO....because I am feeling so down about a couple of things, I decided the best remedy would be to make a gratitude list.

OK, I realize that some of these are pretty insignificant, but they are things that make me happy and that I am truly grateful for. That's all I got peeps.

TEN THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

1) for God for being my constant companion and carrying me through these hard times.

2) for my friends who are holding me up and listening to me whine and gripe about the goings on in my life. You know who you are.

3) for my kids who are the inspiration behind my motives these days.

4) for the warm sun that should be in the sky everyday as far as I am concerned.

5) for good music to carry me away from my own problems.

6) for exercise to help relieve my stress.

7) for Yoplait Whips Dulce de Leche yogurt cups...these are TDF!!

8) for Pottery Barn catalogs that I can escape to in the bath tub.

9) for my mom for all she does for me

10) for my new phone so that I can text with lightening speed now