I was TAGGED!!!

My dear friend Heather decided it was time for me to get busy and start blogging again, so she ever so politely tagged me back into reality, LOL. I've been asked to reveal eight random things about me that people don't already know. So, wow! Umm, that's going to be hard, because I've told you all everything there is to know about me already! I read like an open book....so this is going to be challening. When I am done with my list, then I am going to tag 6 more people to join me!


So here we go, here we go, here-we-go!!


1) I dye my hair. I have been darn near every color on the shelf at some point. I have no clue what my "natural" color is anymore. I first colored my hair with my bestie Carol in 8th grade...we used Sun-In and it became a sorta orangish brownish color.

2) I can't stand for my fingernails to show. I clip them as soon as they grown out even the teeniest bit.

3) I am flat out, hands down addicted to Diet Coke.

4) I love old school video games. My favorites are Centipede, Space Invaders, Missile Command, and Pac Man.

5) I secretly want to give away all my possession but for a few treasured items, pack what's left, take my kids and move out of the country to some place like Germany, or Sweden or France....and live out the rest of my days there.

6) I am very intuiative. I get "feelings" about situations and people that usually come true....I also seem to have a thing for dead people visiting me in my dreams. I think I might be really in tune to the other side for some reason. Wish I knew how to harness it better though....

7) I am 44 yrs old and yeah...I am still afraid of the dark. :)

8) I have never felt my real age....ever. What am I going to tell myself when I turn 50? I am not sure if there is condition for this or not (yeah Lisa, it's called immaturity)...but when I look at some people my age, I think they look really old to me and then I think, there is no way I am that old. How does the mind play tricks on you like that? Because last time I checked, I was born on Feb. 2, 1965...which means that yep, I am getting older by the minute. But on the INSIDE, I still feel 17. :)

So there you have it peeps, 8 very random and obscure things about me. I have decided to take the following people and have left you a comment so that you know I chose you! Thanks for playing along <3

I chose: Ariane, Becky, Wendy, Stephanie, Susan and Christina

Heartbreaker

Well anyone that has a child with autism surely knows that with autism, comes heartache. That's a given. Someone pointed out to me last night that all kids suffer heartache, not just kids with autism. Very true. All kids have been on the receiving end a time or two of someone's bullying. As a parent, you want to protect them from that type of pain, but yet you have to let them learn to fend for themselves because at times, life just isn't fair and they need to learn coping skills for when that happens. For the most part, I let Ivy fight her own battles, only once have I stepped in and shown my claws since she started school. She is an easy target for kids to pick on because she is not only speech delayed, but she is socially delayed as well. She is in the 3rd grade, yet relates best to the kids in kindergarten and 1st grade. That's where she is as far as maturity level, so that's where she best fits in. Nothing wrong with that, except that her typical peers seem to like to call her names like baby and preschooler and the likes.

Which brings me to my point here....last night Ivy had a meltdown. The kind that breaks your heart kind of meltdown. It's amazing to me the things she remembers. She started crying first that she remembered when she was a baby and she was angry and used to slap me and pull my hairand she was sorry for that. I was sort of dumbfounded. I can't believe she really remembers that. She has never expressed to me that she remembers anything about her earlier years, so how was I to know? That thought sent chills down my spine though. If she remembers doing that at age 2, 3, 4, then kids with autism are indeed locked inside just waiting to get out. That's so scary. So she knew all along what she was doing but couldn't control it. That thought is just really, really sad to me. :(

Then that went straight into a course of "no one likes me at school" tirades...that "everyone thinks she is a baby" and "she doesn't have any real friends" and that "the girls in her class don't like her"...which sent her straight into the "I HATE AUTISM AND I DON'T WANT AUTISM ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE ENZYMES AND EAT SPECIAL FOOD, I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS!!!!" tirade. Which left me speechless. And sad. I don't want her to have autism anymore either. I don't want her to have to take meds and supplements and enzymes and eat special food either. I don't want her to be picked on at school and singled out either. All I could do was hold her and rock her and assure her that she was ok and she was a very special person even with her autism. What else can you do? Food for thought though as I make my way through today: Ivy remembers being locked inside....wow, that's amazing!

Sometimes it's the small things that are BIG!

It's true....and we can truly miss out on these moments if we aren't looking for them. It's been so painfully obvious that I have struggled with every detail of my life for the past year. It shows here on my blog, in my everyday life and in all that I do. I am the type of person that wears their feelings on their sleeve. I doubt if at any time will you NOT know how I am feeling. Some may say that is a character defect, I just call it part of who I am. :)

Anyway, trying to make it through the muck of my life lately has been less than pleasant. I have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering what does my future hold? Being single at age 44 with 2 kids, one of which has autism is not an easy thing to do. There are so many times I wanted to cave and just let him come back home for convenience sake, but I couldn't bring myself to continue to live a lie. So, I have toughed it out and hung in there, riding the storm out to see what's on the other side. For the first time in months, I think I can see the shoreline from a distance. How good it will feel to place my feet on solid ground again...put my toes in the sand, feel the warm sun on my skin. I look forward to it.

It seems at times, like life doesn't make any sense at all and we search for the reasons things went wrong. We accept our faults, learn from our mistakes and hopefully allow ourselves to heal some before moving forward. I recently made the decision that I was done wallowing in self-pity and decided it was time to move forward. SCARY, SCARY and more SCARY!! Funny this is, I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just wanted to take a few steps towards the edge of the cliff and sort of take a look down and see how high the jump was. When I got there, I see it's not so bad after all. There is serenity waiting for me down below if I would only jump. So I JUMPED! It was like free falling. Nothing but air and then as lightly as I could hope for, I landed softly on the ground below and I am still alive and still breathing and there is something hopeful on the horizon. It's just one of those small little gifts from God that are so easy to miss if you aren't tuned in for them. There is something in front of me that I can't wait to explore. The timing feels right and I am hopeful. I just want to enjoy it for what it is and not look too far into my future trying to figure out where this fits into my life. All I have to do is be in the now and be grateful for this little thing that's really BIG and try not to navigate my life. God's got that covered and already knows the map way better than I do.

Gratitude List Number 1004

OK, so when you are uptight, pissed off, and tired it truly is THE BEST time to sit down and remember what you are grateful for in life. It works every time for me and always pulls me out of the nasty funk I am in at the moment. And since I am really, really uptight, pissed off and tired, this list in NECESSARY in order for me to continue further in this day. So here goes. Remember gratitude lists don't need to be profound every time you make once, just list what your are grateful for at that moment in time. :)

1) Sundays, so that I can regroup, catch up on sleep and laundry

2) my friends who are constant network of support

3) skor candy bars, I have eaten 2 this week!

4) the sun...if it ever shines again

5) school starting tomorrow, thank you God!

6) my children, how blessed I am to be their Mom

7) pottery barn catalogs, I got 4 new ones in the mail last week!!

8) flip flops, I own around 20 pairs, I can't live without mine :)

9) my jobs, without them I could pay for nothing and so many people don't even have one job, I am just grateful that I can work.

10) a good book and a hot cup of tea...where I can be somewhere else other than in MY life.

Randomness

I am so glad that God created humans to be able to love, create bonds and make friendships. Because I love my friends and without them I am pretty much alone, lol!

Something is in the air, I can feel it. I feel like this could be the start of a new chapter for me. I am taking some steps to move forward and it's not as scary as I thought it would be. My friends say go ahead and JUMP! Easier said than done, but I am trying.

I love summer and I am already sad that it's coming to an end. :*(

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am. :D

All work and no play, makes LISA a dull woman. Got any suggestions?

If they say that well behaved women never make history, then I should go down in the books.

My kids absolutely crack me up. When did they become such comedienne's?

I saw the New Moon trailer this week and I am seriously STOKED to see the movie in November. I think I might just have to read NM again before the movie comes out. That makes #6. I need a 12 step program to get off Twilight. Geesh.

COOL Back to School GIVEAWAY!

My friend over at Cutie Pies Custom Creations is having an awesome BTS giveaway. You gotta check it out!

Cutie Pies Custom Creations BTS Giveaway!

Summer's Over, Let's Recap

Well, I tried out the "not blogging" thing and to be honest, I miss it. So apparently I still have something to say or I wouldn't be here right now making a new post. :)

So summer's over for me as I am back to work full-time at the school since Monday. My own kids do not return to school until August 24th this year so that did create a bit of a hassle for me this time around. Thank God for Ed's mom who volunteered to watch them for me until Thursday. I am not sure who is going to keep them beyond that. I'll figure it out when it gets here I guess.

So I figured now would be a great time for me to do some reflecting and recap my summer. I don't think I can complain any. Summer is my most favorite season out of the four and I had a pretty lazy summer until the past few weeks. The girls and I went spent two glorious weeks in California with Mommy in July and it was both relaxing and rejuvenating to be there. I can know without a doubt that when I go home to visit, I can kinda center myself and recharge my batteries. There is just something about that ocean air that keeps calling my name....

So aside from our trip, we have had plenty of opportunities to hang out by the pool and relax. My cousin Tracy and her family came from New York for a short visit and it was good to see my girls bonding and playing with her girls, I captured some great moments on film of the girls while they were here. I was grateful for the opportunity to share some time with my cousin as well.

My mom and Cal came to visit us too. Although their trip was cut really short after Cal injured his shoulder playing golf and thought he might need surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. So they packed up and went back home a few short days after we got back from California.

I tried unsuccessfully to find a new job over the summer. I really prayed about it and asked God to provide me with the place He wanted me to be. I sent in TONS of resume's and didn't get any bites. Competition is really fierce these days I guess. In the end, I am here at the school where I've been for the last 3 years and I hooked a weekend waitress gig at Ian's Pub to pick up the slack. I guess for now, this is exactly where God wants me to be. So I give in, the white flag is flying.

Ed and I are in the same place we were back in March, separated but in no hurry to file for divorce. He is doing his thing and I am doing mine. We are getting along fine for the girls' sake and I think we are handling it well. I am lonely and feel kinda like I have a lot of nervous energy quite often, but all in all, I am doing fine. I am slowly learning to love myself again and that's a blessing in itself right there. I am a firm believer that if we don't love ourselves, then we can't possibly love someone else. So I continue to work on Lisa and life continues to be ok. I am going to be just fine.

I have been tinkering with the notion of returning to school. I think now would be an excellent time to do so and time is going to pass anyway, so it might as well pass while I am getting an education. Thing is I can't decide what I want to do. I really wanted to finish the path I started with the Nutritional Consultant thing, but I have been thinking more and more about getting my RN or a BS in Nutritional Science, then again I think I would enjoy radiology. Decisions, decisions....

So there you have it, a short recap of the past few months. I am sort of dreading Fall. I love Prep Football and of course my Colts, but there is not too much about the next several months that gets me too excited with the exception of Christmas. The thing that I am dreading is the Holidays for my kids. I am not sure I have what it takes to get through the Season. It seems so sad that we won't be spending it together as a family this year. I can't help but doubt my decisions at times like this. But I am a tough old gal and I think I will find a way to make it memorable for my girls in spite of our situation.

So looking forward to a new school year and a fresh new batch of Freshman and hoping that God has something really good in store for me coming up.