WANTED!! My Life BEFORE Autism

Whew! I just had another ephiphany. I was sorting through old pictures of my girls while working on a Christmas project when an overwhelming wave of emotion just knocked me over. I mean the kind of emotion where you instantly start crying your eyes out. I just realized how much I miss my old life. I know I left it right here somewhere, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I miss my kids being little. I miss the laugher and giggles. I miss the rhythm of our daily routines. I miss my old happy home. I miss what used to be our family. There I said it...AND out loud too. I miss it. I miss it real bad.

I just asked for God's forgiveness the other day on this whole issue, so I should have known this was coming. All it needed was for someone to pull the trigger. The pictures...all of them from birth to present was all it took to kick it off. I got to the pictures from Washington DC when we went there to fight for what we believed in on autism and those are the ones that opened the flood gates. DAMN YOU AUTISM!!! Is there ANYTHING at all you haven't taken from me? She was diagnosed in April of 2004. Fast forward to December 2011. It's been almost 8 years since I first heard your name: autism, autism....AUTISM!! After 8 years of battling you, I am tired, worn out, aged 10 years faster then I should have and I have lost my marriage, lost my family, lost my self-worth, everything to you. I hate you. Nuff said.

Fall Reflection

So October is coming to a close and November is rolling in way too fast for me. November is a hard, hard month for me...still after all these years. November 7th is my dad's birthday and November 14th is the anniversary of the day he left this world for a better place. It's been since 1994. You would think that after all this time, I wouldn't let it get me down. But I do...it's just a little duller the rest of the year. But every November it comes crashing down on me and I reflect of the wonderful moments in my life that he has missed out on. Like my wedding and walking me down the aisle. The birth of my first daughter, then my second. My walk with autism and my never ending crusading. My divorce. It's sad to think he was not able to share in all my joys (and sorrows). I miss him, still after all these years. I wish my kids knew him. No matter what kind of father he was to me, he was a fine grandpa and loved his grandkids with such jolly affection. It was amazing to see him with the grandkids when he was alive. They ALL had him wrapped around their little fingers for sure! I just want to remember him today like that.

Friday Fun Day

So today at work we wrapped up the end to our United Way Campaign. All week we did various things to raise money for UW. We also volunteered at an inner city school this week. That was SO rewarding. I helped in one of the kindergarten rooms quizzing kids on alphabet flash cards. I had to laugh out loud when the kids kept pronouncing the "Q" as "qwah"...too funny. Today we grilled out hamburgers and hotdogs and played in a cornhole tourney, raffle off prizes, etc.

Tonight, I am spending the evening my love, Jadie Pie. It's going to be a Mom and Me night. Movie and dinner. Her choice all the way around. I am really looking forward to that.

QOTD: I'd rather live a life full of "oh well's" than a life full of "what if's?"

Happy Weekend everyone! <3

Friday Fun Day

QOTD

Ivy: Phil take your socks off

Phil: No, my feet are cold

Ivy: I think you are having a relationship with your socks tonight.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed! That is one funny girl.

Weekend Plans

Lunch with a friend Saturday
Birthday Party for nephew Max, 4th Birthday!!
Relax, relax, relax!

Daily Deal

Get your Riley Days groove on this weekend, weather's going to be beautiful!
What a great weekend for milling around downtown Greenfield, checking out the arts and crafts, eating some fine "festival food" and watching some wonderful entertainment.

Losing One's Mojo

It's true, I have lost my Mojo. Anyone seen it lying around? If so, please let me know because I am LOST without it. I can't seem to focus or get motivated here. I am sinking quick. How can I be 46 yrs old and still not know what I want to do with my life? I feel so stagnant, like I am stuck in a deep rut that I couldn't work my way out of it if I tried!!

This is the worst feeling in the world. Do I change careers or stay at this job that feels like it's sucking the life out of me. Do I go back to school and get a degree doing something I am passionate about? If so, then what exactly am I passionate about? I don't have a clue. I know I love kids of all ages. I know I love writing. I know I love being outdoors and that God, music and sunshine make me feel whole inside. I know I love being a Stay At Home Mom. Other than that...I got nothing. Nadda, zilch, zippo. And what kind of career choices are there for people like me? I need to be able to support myself and my two girls without worry. What's out there?

By now the whole world has heard about the passing of Steve Jobs yesterday. I was reading online and came across a quote of his that really struck a chord with me:

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.“ ~ Steve Jobs

That is such a profound statement. I don't love what I do...at all. I am not passionate about what I do...at all. If I could find something that pays well that I could do from home that involves some form of writing and kids, I think I would have it made! Cha-cha-cha!

Until then, I am off to look for my Mojo. Lord, please let me find it soon.

Life is Short

Last Thursday, we got the news that Phil's mom had unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 65. What a tailspin of emotions that followed over the next few days. Phil is my honey bun. Having someone die so quickly and so unexpectedly really, really puts things into perspective for you. I have run the gamut of emotions since then. I have been up then down, then all around. I have cried several times. Felt unsure and overwhelmed and questioned everything. Of course losing a parent is never easy and I think that some of the emotional floods that came pouring out was remembering when my own father passed away and the grief and hurt I experienced at that time. Small world that it is, when my Dad retired, he took a part-time job working at the local country club regripping golf clubs and what not. Phil's mom was the club manager at the Country Club and they worked together. So there is that weird kind of connection that our parents had and now they are both gone. I would like to think as much as they both loved to golf, that maybe they are together playing a round of 18 today in Heaven. :)

So lessons learned from this: love the one your with, love openly and often, tell people NOW how you feel about them so there is nothing left to question, be thankful you are alive and well, hug your kids often, make time for your family, make that phone call TODAY not tomorrow and last but not least, lean on your friends and family and most of GOD when you find yourself in this situation. People really DO want to help in some small way. Let them! If you don't then you are stealing your Blessings!

Melancholy

I came across this wonderful quote from a famous Swiss philosopher and poet, Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) and I just loved it. It felt as if someone tore into my brain and ripped out my EXACT thoughts. The quote reads like this:

"These pages reproduce me very imperfectly, and there are many things in me of which I find no trace in them. I suppose it is because, in the first place, sadness takes up the pen more readily than joy; and, in the next, because I depend so much upon my surrounding circumstances. When there is no call upon me, and nothing to put me to the test, I fall back into melancholy; and so the practical man, the cheerful man, the literary man, does not appear in these pages. The portrait is lacking in proportion and breadth; it is one-sided, and wants a center; it has, as it were, been painted from too near".

I read that over at least 5 times. That's me! That's the girl I know! I write with passion when my back is up against the wall. The periods when I have no muse and can't find my own words are when I am happy and living my life in the open, not in my journal, in hiding...in secret. I guess that the same thing would hold true for all the great love songs coming from periods of lowliness when the people writing them had broken hearts. The best stories of our lives come from overcoming life's obstacles. When I am feeling melancholy is when I write best.
The very definition of the word melancholy is: a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression or sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

Hmmmmm....yep pretty sure that describes how I am feeling these days to a "T".