Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Random Thoughts

Life is not all doom and gloom and challenges. I think we are meant to enjoy the journey, aren't we? Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, good thoughts come to mind. I keep a small pad of paper near the bed so I can jot down some of my better thoughts :) Anyway, usually this is the time that I come up with some of the weirdest, most random thoughts. I thought I'd share a few with you.

1) I regret not chasing my dream of being a dancer/singer/actress on Broadway when I was 18 and newly graduated. I have always, always regretted that I let my parents talk me into a more "suitable and sensible" job like the medical field. I have absolutely hated this career for the past 20 years. It's the exact reason I never finished getting my RN, because I never wanted to do this in the first place. If I had to do it all over again, I would do what Lisa wanted.

2) I have been in love a couple of times in my life. I know the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. It's not the same and no matter how hard you try, you can't force yourself to be "in love" with someone if you aren't. Period.

3) I always pictured myself doing something like being in the Peace Corps, traveling the world and going to far away places like Africa, making a difference in the world. Wish I had done that too when I was younger.

4) Motherhood has been my greatest challenge thus far in life. I am not sure if I am a good mom or not. I try to guide, not dictate...give boundaries yet open fences, encourage dreams always and I never say good night without saying "I love you" to my girls. It's the best I got right now. I am a work in progress.

5) I hope to one day share a life with someone who can appreciate my quirkiness, my love of people, my children, my love of traveling, my humanitarian efforts and my need for endless boundaries and all the little things that make up my truly unique self. Surely there is someone out there that would enjoy these qualities too, right?

6)If I befriend you, I will consider you a friend for life. That's just me. But when it comes right down to it, I often feel very alone like I have no friends at all. I wonder if that is just my perception, or if I really do alienate people when I need them most. I have a tendency to not want people to know how much I am hurting or in need.

7) I want to write a book about my journey with autism. I know I can write it, but I have no clue where to begin and I am depressed that because I have been so down about my personal life that I haven't devoted any time to it the past 3 mths.

8) I secretly wish to live anywhere, any place different than where I am right now. I feel trapped in this simple little town. I wish I had what it takes to pack up, move on and head out someplace else and start over fresh where nobody knows my name. When I day dream about living somewhere else, it always seem to be somewhere out West, or the Northwest. Something is calling me west.....but what?

9) I wish I could spend the second half of my life traveling the world over. I love to travel and I love seeing what the world has to offer me. I wish I had the funds to make this dream come true. I hear about people who just take off for a year and go. I envy them. I wish it were me.

10) Lately, I have been experiencing a rather strange phenomena. I have woken up several times at night to look at the clock and it will be 3:33 or 4:44, or I look at the clock during the day and it will be 1:11 or 11:11 or 2:22. It's been happening more and more often and it's starting to freak me out. I have decided to search the internet and see if there is some sort of significance to this. Wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something?

Ok, so there you have it...randomness straight out of my very own head. I know, I know...weird stuff....but those are the kind of things I think about when I can't sleep and I am wondering why I can't turn my mind off long enough to get some zzzz's


Heather said...

you are so me! everything! right down to the numbers on the clock. the moment i read that one my clock said 11:12.

there has to be more, i want, no NEED to get there.

but i feel so trapped. and alone.

love you!

Eugene Wallingford said...

>I want to write a book about my journey
> with autism. I know I can write it, but I
> have no clue where to begin...

I know this will sound silly, but the only way to start is... to start. A paragraph. Or a sentence. Just write something down. Try not to pressure yourself to write something "good". Good comes later. In my experience, that first sentence will often lead to another, and another. Pretty soon, I am writing down things I didn't know that I needed to write. And a lot of times that first sentence ends up disappearing as I write and edit. But it got me started.

Anyone who reads your blog knows that you can write. You have something to say, and I'm sure that many people would like to read it. But ultimately you will be writing for yourself, and that is as it should be.

notjustanylisa said...

Heather, you know I love you right back and yes I realize that we were split at conception and you were placed in your mom's womb and I in mine. Its scary sometimes isn't it? <3 <3 <3

Eugene, thanks for your thoughts. They are always welcome. I actually installed a program on my computer that is for writing a novel. I have written 4 or 5 chapters...but once it's written, then what? That's the part I don't know how to do. :)

Eugene Wallingford said...

Ah, publishing--that is a different matter. I've never published a book of my own, but I have watched over the last year as a colleague published a novel. You are in a good place to start, having 4 or 5 chapters in draft form. I think the next steps are to (1) identify publishers who publish books in your niche and (2) send their editors a couple of chapters, or some other sample that shows what your book will be like. You can also contact book agents in the same way. If they see promise in the work, they will suggest publishers and contact them on your behalf.

This is a highly uncertain process. Many more people write books than can be published. So it takes times as the agents or editors filter through all the manuscripts looking for the right one. (Hopefully, yours.)

You can find hope in this: My colleague is 60+ years old and a computer science prof by training. He wrote an adventure novel and received a few follow ups from the publishers he contacted. It took many months of patience, though.