WANTED!! My Life BEFORE Autism

Whew! I just had another ephiphany. I was sorting through old pictures of my girls while working on a Christmas project when an overwhelming wave of emotion just knocked me over. I mean the kind of emotion where you instantly start crying your eyes out. I just realized how much I miss my old life. I know I left it right here somewhere, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I miss my kids being little. I miss the laugher and giggles. I miss the rhythm of our daily routines. I miss my old happy home. I miss what used to be our family. There I said it...AND out loud too. I miss it. I miss it real bad.

I just asked for God's forgiveness the other day on this whole issue, so I should have known this was coming. All it needed was for someone to pull the trigger. The pictures...all of them from birth to present was all it took to kick it off. I got to the pictures from Washington DC when we went there to fight for what we believed in on autism and those are the ones that opened the flood gates. DAMN YOU AUTISM!!! Is there ANYTHING at all you haven't taken from me? She was diagnosed in April of 2004. Fast forward to December 2011. It's been almost 8 years since I first heard your name: autism, autism....AUTISM!! After 8 years of battling you, I am tired, worn out, aged 10 years faster then I should have and I have lost my marriage, lost my family, lost my self-worth, everything to you. I hate you. Nuff said.

Fall Reflection

So October is coming to a close and November is rolling in way too fast for me. November is a hard, hard month for me...still after all these years. November 7th is my dad's birthday and November 14th is the anniversary of the day he left this world for a better place. It's been since 1994. You would think that after all this time, I wouldn't let it get me down. But I do...it's just a little duller the rest of the year. But every November it comes crashing down on me and I reflect of the wonderful moments in my life that he has missed out on. Like my wedding and walking me down the aisle. The birth of my first daughter, then my second. My walk with autism and my never ending crusading. My divorce. It's sad to think he was not able to share in all my joys (and sorrows). I miss him, still after all these years. I wish my kids knew him. No matter what kind of father he was to me, he was a fine grandpa and loved his grandkids with such jolly affection. It was amazing to see him with the grandkids when he was alive. They ALL had him wrapped around their little fingers for sure! I just want to remember him today like that.

Friday Fun Day

So today at work we wrapped up the end to our United Way Campaign. All week we did various things to raise money for UW. We also volunteered at an inner city school this week. That was SO rewarding. I helped in one of the kindergarten rooms quizzing kids on alphabet flash cards. I had to laugh out loud when the kids kept pronouncing the "Q" as "qwah"...too funny. Today we grilled out hamburgers and hotdogs and played in a cornhole tourney, raffle off prizes, etc.

Tonight, I am spending the evening my love, Jadie Pie. It's going to be a Mom and Me night. Movie and dinner. Her choice all the way around. I am really looking forward to that.

QOTD: I'd rather live a life full of "oh well's" than a life full of "what if's?"

Happy Weekend everyone! <3

Friday Fun Day

QOTD

Ivy: Phil take your socks off

Phil: No, my feet are cold

Ivy: I think you are having a relationship with your socks tonight.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed! That is one funny girl.

Weekend Plans

Lunch with a friend Saturday
Birthday Party for nephew Max, 4th Birthday!!
Relax, relax, relax!

Daily Deal

Get your Riley Days groove on this weekend, weather's going to be beautiful!
What a great weekend for milling around downtown Greenfield, checking out the arts and crafts, eating some fine "festival food" and watching some wonderful entertainment.

Losing One's Mojo

It's true, I have lost my Mojo. Anyone seen it lying around? If so, please let me know because I am LOST without it. I can't seem to focus or get motivated here. I am sinking quick. How can I be 46 yrs old and still not know what I want to do with my life? I feel so stagnant, like I am stuck in a deep rut that I couldn't work my way out of it if I tried!!

This is the worst feeling in the world. Do I change careers or stay at this job that feels like it's sucking the life out of me. Do I go back to school and get a degree doing something I am passionate about? If so, then what exactly am I passionate about? I don't have a clue. I know I love kids of all ages. I know I love writing. I know I love being outdoors and that God, music and sunshine make me feel whole inside. I know I love being a Stay At Home Mom. Other than that...I got nothing. Nadda, zilch, zippo. And what kind of career choices are there for people like me? I need to be able to support myself and my two girls without worry. What's out there?

By now the whole world has heard about the passing of Steve Jobs yesterday. I was reading online and came across a quote of his that really struck a chord with me:

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.“ ~ Steve Jobs

That is such a profound statement. I don't love what I do...at all. I am not passionate about what I do...at all. If I could find something that pays well that I could do from home that involves some form of writing and kids, I think I would have it made! Cha-cha-cha!

Until then, I am off to look for my Mojo. Lord, please let me find it soon.

Life is Short

Last Thursday, we got the news that Phil's mom had unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 65. What a tailspin of emotions that followed over the next few days. Phil is my honey bun. Having someone die so quickly and so unexpectedly really, really puts things into perspective for you. I have run the gamut of emotions since then. I have been up then down, then all around. I have cried several times. Felt unsure and overwhelmed and questioned everything. Of course losing a parent is never easy and I think that some of the emotional floods that came pouring out was remembering when my own father passed away and the grief and hurt I experienced at that time. Small world that it is, when my Dad retired, he took a part-time job working at the local country club regripping golf clubs and what not. Phil's mom was the club manager at the Country Club and they worked together. So there is that weird kind of connection that our parents had and now they are both gone. I would like to think as much as they both loved to golf, that maybe they are together playing a round of 18 today in Heaven. :)

So lessons learned from this: love the one your with, love openly and often, tell people NOW how you feel about them so there is nothing left to question, be thankful you are alive and well, hug your kids often, make time for your family, make that phone call TODAY not tomorrow and last but not least, lean on your friends and family and most of GOD when you find yourself in this situation. People really DO want to help in some small way. Let them! If you don't then you are stealing your Blessings!

Melancholy

I came across this wonderful quote from a famous Swiss philosopher and poet, Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) and I just loved it. It felt as if someone tore into my brain and ripped out my EXACT thoughts. The quote reads like this:

"These pages reproduce me very imperfectly, and there are many things in me of which I find no trace in them. I suppose it is because, in the first place, sadness takes up the pen more readily than joy; and, in the next, because I depend so much upon my surrounding circumstances. When there is no call upon me, and nothing to put me to the test, I fall back into melancholy; and so the practical man, the cheerful man, the literary man, does not appear in these pages. The portrait is lacking in proportion and breadth; it is one-sided, and wants a center; it has, as it were, been painted from too near".

I read that over at least 5 times. That's me! That's the girl I know! I write with passion when my back is up against the wall. The periods when I have no muse and can't find my own words are when I am happy and living my life in the open, not in my journal, in hiding...in secret. I guess that the same thing would hold true for all the great love songs coming from periods of lowliness when the people writing them had broken hearts. The best stories of our lives come from overcoming life's obstacles. When I am feeling melancholy is when I write best.
The very definition of the word melancholy is: a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression or sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

Hmmmmm....yep pretty sure that describes how I am feeling these days to a "T".

Surrender

Surrender, Surrender, but don't give yourself away.....

Does anyone ever come to the point in your life where you know that your life is unmanageable and you can't live one more moment in the skin you're in? I woke up feeling exactly that way today. nearly had a panic attack on the way to work. All I could think of was that I need to surrender my heart, my thoughts, my hang-ups and my sins to God. Surrendering ourselves to a higher power can really bring some great relief to our own miseries. I just feel like somewhere along the journey in the past 2 years, I have gotten way off track here. Probably why I am so restless, irritable and discontent. Probably why I keep finding myself feeling like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Probably why I keep finding myself asking what the heck is going on here? Why are things so crazy? Probably why I feel like I am in my own prison.

So admitting to myself and to God that there is an issue is the first step to change. Admitting that I have an issue to others is the surrendering part. Putting the claim into action is the hardest part. But I know no matter what, no matter how crazy life is for me, it's my own doing. Also, I know that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him. <3

The waiting is the hardest part

Seems we are always waiting for something or someone in life. We pray for answers to our questions, wants and for some meaning in our lives. Then, we wait. Sometimes we wait for days or months before it becomes clear to us what the answer is. Sometimes it's even longer. The waiting is the hardest part. Living life through faith and believing that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here, right now is challening to say the least. Especially so if you have issues with being impatient. Which for me, I think "impatient" is my middle name. It's so hard for me to be right here in this moment and not be thinking of what I need to do, what I ought to do, what I should have done, what I could have done, etc. When was the last time you just enjoyed the moment and really savored it for all it was worth?

Hoping for some significant changes in my life and praying for answers to come. The waiting is the hardest part. Did I mention that already??!!??

Times they are a changin'...

Bob Dylan's album came out in February of 1964 a full year before I was even born, yet today here in 2001, this song still resonates with me. I especially love this verse:


Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’

It seems the world is moving at record speed all the time now and some days I can't keep up with life. All I want to do is relax for 5 minutes, but something else is always distracting me and my thoughts along that path to relaxation. I think I have lost my ability to focus and become centered. The times they are changing for sure. If I don't get on the boat, looks like I am going to get left behind here. I don't want to be "that mom" that fights with her daughters and has a strained relationship. I want to be open and honest and non judgemental and to love my kids unconditionally. I don't want to get left behind. I know times are changing and want to be able not only understand those changes, but roll with them too!

But how do I shepherd my sweet, little sheep and keep them from straying off when we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes together without disagreeing about something? The stress and strain is wearing me out. She thinks I am so old fashioned. I think I am pretty darn opened minded and forward thinking. She thinks I treat her like a baby. I think I am way too lenient on her. She thinks I don't know good music or fashion. I DO know good music and it's not what she listens to or what she is wearing, ha ha! For now I am just going to PUSH- pray until something happens. What else can I do? I know I am not the first mom to have walked this road, parenting is just never easy, is it? Lord, help me make it through these years to come. I may not make it through them!

Acceptance

Today I am writing about my own acceptance. Never in my life have I been more aware of age and it's limitations. For the first time in my life, it has occured to me that I am middle aged. Now one would think that when I get up every day and look at my 46 yr old self in the mirror, that I would already know that, right? Wouldn't those pesky gray hairs and ever present bags under the eyes and the ever increasing wrinkles give that away? But really, truly I am seriously just now figuring it out. And for once I am feeling that my age is actually holding me back at something. That something is work.

I have been at my current job for just about 2 yrs now. Today as I was driving to work, I realized that even though I prayed and prayed for this job, that it just might not be the job for me after all. I am so very grateful to even have a job that pays decent wages and has good benefits, why should I even complain, right? The complaint lies in the fact that for the first time in my life, I have NOT been able to excel in a place that I work. I have now officially been passed over for 4 promotions. FOUR! I know that I am totally qualified, so why am I getting passed over? It can't be my job performance, which if I may toot my own horn for a minute, is excellent! It's has got to be because I am old. Nothing more, nothing less. Wow, what a slap in the face of my reality! Accept that one. You are getting passed over for promotions because you are 10-15 years older than all your co-workers. Ouch!

So about a month and half ago I started selling 31 Gifts on the side to make some extra cash since I am seemingly going nowhere in my current job. So far, I am super excited with it!! It's new and exciting and different and I am really enjoying it so far! I am motivated and I am feeling like I am being pulled in this direction from above. I never pictured myself as being in direct sales, but this really seems to be a good fit for me. My hope is to do so well with 31, that I can quit my current job, sell and recruit for 31 full time and be close to home to my 2 beautiful girls and get back to being the mom I used to be to them. Wish me luck in my new adventure. Please send positive thoughts my way if you can spare some!

And you know what? Today, I just really don't care that I am going nowhere in my current job. I know that God has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be right now and I have hope on my horizon and if this place doesn't want to promote me, well then that's quite alright and it's their loss because they have no clue exactly what they have passed over!!

Jade

I have just felt compelled to write about Jade for the past 2 days. I mean she has really been boring a hole in my brain. The though of her being sad is burning through my heart. I had the most gut wrenching heart to heart talk with her before she went to California to visit my mom and it's just weighing so heavy on my heart, still...10 days after the fact. Bless her little beautiful soul. She is one amazing kid and quite simply I just don't let her know that as often as I should. In fact, if they were giving out mother of the year awards this week, I would not only get nominated for world's worst mom, but I would win too. Hands down with no competition. I am ashamed to say that I have failed her greatly.

Everything and I mean everything in this house revolves around Ivy. Jade feels so left behind. She said some very frank and very true statements to me last week. It was enough of a jolt that I was left speechless and for those of you that know me well, that is not a common occurrence. For 10 long days I have been tossing her sad little words around in my head and then bouncing them off my heart and then only to return them back to my head for another go around. I just keep hearing the words repeat over and over again, "you ALWAYS put Ivy before me". She said many other things to me that day too that hurt, but she really drove it home with that up there^. And you know what? She is 100% right....I do.

The only way that I know how to remember all her wonderful qualities is to reflect upon them. Writing is the one way I can express those feelings and thoughts that I have about her. There's no time like the present to start writing, so here goes nothing...

My Jade is 12 years old. She is stuck in that really hard "tween" stage. Struggling with herself that she is no longer a little girl, but not yet a big girl either. She is a hard worker in school and strives to please her teachers. She makes you laugh and her sense of humor is hysterical. She loves to make other people laugh. She is multi-talented for sure. She can sing so beautifully and not afraid to sing to a crowd. She loves to act and sing and dance. She loves to write play scripts, direct them, record them, mix and edit them and then upload them. Those are just a few of the little things that make up her very complex little personality.

The thing I love most about Jade is that even though most days she can't stand her sister, she is the first one to stand up for her and watches over her like a momma hen watches over her chicks.

She is fiercely passionate about things she loves just like me. She has lots of friends and kinda known as being different and even though she doesn't like that, I do...because the means I have taught her to be her own person and not cave to conformity. She beats to the tune of her own drum. And that drums takes her to far away places in her mind. She has the most amazing imagination. She can dream anything and imagine more than most. I have always had this vision of Jade being something really big one day. She is such a little humanitarian and she doesn't even realize it. Her love for all animals is simply unbelievable, she is like some special kind of gifted animal whisperer. She wants to be a vet when she grows up and I think she would make a fine one for sure. People who loves animals like the way Jade loves them have a special place in Heaven waiting for them for sure. So those are a few things about Jade that makes her such a special young lady.

The thing I need to figure out now is how to break the current cycle we have entered now? She is very angry with me over the divorce and she blames me. Although one day she will fully understand that one person doesn't end a relationship, that it takes two, I am not sure I am going to survive her wrath in the meantime. I am not asking for her to understand complex adult issues, but I could sure use a break from her constant slinging of insults, hurtful comments and outright defiance most days. How do I get back to where we used to be? I am taking her to see a counselor and I am willing to do whatever leg work that it takes to make this better for us both. I know she is miserable too and maybe she just lashes out at me because she knows that I will always love her no matter what she says to me. All I know is that I want my little Jadie Bug back so we can start living and stop the fighting. I give...I raise my white flag! God help us get back to where we need to be please.

Tuesday's Thoughts

I was thinking today about many things, but it occurred to me that I try really hard to NOT think about autism. How exactly have I mastered that? I don't even want to hear the word AUTISM in my vocabulary. Autism has drained the life out of me. I feel all used up and dried up like a raisin. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer anyone these days. I just pretend I don't know anything about it. I wonder how many other autism moms are with me in this boat?

After all, I pretty much devoted 5 solid years to learning, reading, researching, advocating, campaigning, championing, educating and silently suffering over autism. What's left? When it all comes down to it, no one is really listening. People listen, but then don't make the changes necessary in order for their kids to be safe out of convenience for themselves. Have I even made a difference to ONE person in this world? Did I really change anything? Does anyone even care that my child is vaccine damaged and was blessed with autism as a result of it? I am just tired. I have ran out of gas. Nothing really matters to me. I've lost my game, lost my drive, lost my passion for sharing our story. St.Theresa, as the song goes, I have abandoned you. I've jumped ship, flew the coop, went over the hill and I am left wandering around the wilderness trying to find a way back home to the comfort and familiarity of things that I love and am passionate about. How does one find their way home? Seeking advice...

Notice above that I said Ivy was blessed with autism? I do see it as a blessing. For without that fateful diagnosis, I wouldn't know HALF or even THREE QUARTERS of the stuff I know now. I am just so grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my research and discovery during the past seven years. It's been a blessing to meet and know all of those wonderful people out there who share my journey with me every day. It opened my eyes widely to the corruption going on in America. I learned that our very own government along with the drug pharmaceutical companies would go to great and illegal lengths to hide studies and documentations to give the American public a false sense of the truth. I have learned that my country and most of the people in it do not care that my child was harmed as a result of the trust I placed in the vaccine program. I have learned that your body is a temple for sure and if you flood it with toxins and chemicals laced in our foods and drink, that we as a people become very sick and can't function to the best of our ability. I have learned that by reducing the exposure of chemicals, hormones, antibiotics and pesticides in the foods I give my kids that I am keeping them healthy and not placing them into a place of premature puberty where their bodies don't belong with their minds. I have learned to not misuse an antibiotic and let our bodies build up their own antibodies and immunity on it's own so that when we get sick, we can Heal Thyself. I have learned that opinions are like noses...everyone's got one AND just because I whole heartedly believe my child was vaccine damaged, there are millions of people who don't buy into the theory that it could be possible for vaccines to cause autism...and while I respectfully would agree to disagree on that point, you won't find me calling those people who do not share my point of view, uneducated or stupid. I would however say that I feel sorry for them that they were unable to open their mind to the possibility. I often find that those who have resisted me the most and made the most horrific comments to me about how irresponsible I am for having spread such ugly lies about vaccines...are the very ones who end up down the road with a child that has "issues" and seek me out for advice. I don't look at those people and say, "I told you so"...I say, "welcome to the club, sit down and pull up a seat and let's get started, what can I do for you?"

Most of all I have learned how to open my heart to people I don't even know, to share in their sorrow and joy and triumphs as we walk this road together. I don't know where I belong anymore in the autism world and I don't know where I am going to, but I sure know where I have been. <3

Oddest Places

Last night felt just like deja vu' for sure. I found myself in the parking lot of a famous big box store shaking with anger, frustration and wondering where exactly is my life going these days? Really? Has it come to this AGAIN? All I could think of was I didn't have anyone to call. Who wants to hear me whine about my troubles yet again, for the one millionth time in the past 2 yrs?
Do I cry? No. I can't even muster up tears I am so upset. Everything is caving in all around me and my life is once again, out-of-control. Hello stranger, where you been hiding yourself lately? Welcome back and let's hope you don't hang around for long.

In the course of about 3 mths, I have had some serious issues. Starting with my oven which will not heat up. I can use the cooktop, but the oven doesn't work. Next came the washing machine, fills and empties, but won't agitate or spin....do you KNOW how much laundry we produce each week? Next comes my first ever speeding ticket. Next comes my first ever wreck of backing into someone in a parking lot and having a $1000 deductible which means I have to pay for this one on my own. Next comes my fridge this week which decided to poop out with all the other appliances in my house. Last night was the icing on the cake. I hear my ex is planning to take me to court for full custody because I am an unfit mother. Really?? Really?? Really, I ask again?

I am at maximum stress level at this point. I am going to say this OUT LOUD. I was soooo, soooo stupid for not getting myself an attorney and ending this thing already. I went to one and was planning on filing and the ex talked me out of it. He thought that it would be much cheaper if we did it together through the courthouse. BIG MISTAKE. Now it seems that decision has come back around to bite me right in the butt. I am just too nice is the problem. I felt sorry for him.

What is wrong with me? I believe that this is the perfect example of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I have myself so backed into a corner right now, that I am not sure I can work myself out of it. How many times am I going to let myself be the guy getting sand kicked in his face?

I just want this nightmare to be over. Can someone please wake me up??? Throw me a line, lend me a hand, give me a swift kick in the butt. Just please, don't let me drown here in my own self pity and my own certain stupidity. And whatever you do, please stop saying you told me so! Believe me, NO ONE knows more than I do, that I screwed up, ok? So let's just leave it at that. Just like that old cliche', it's easier said than done here. It's not like I can just whip out a wad of cash and march down to the attorney's office and file. That takes money and right now, money is something I have very little of. I have been barely treading water for the past year and a half and each and every week, I rob Peter to pay Paul to make ends meet and do what I have to do for my girls. I have a lot of expenses and lots of money going out and not enough coming in. I just got a second job 2 weeks ago and hopefully that will take some of the financial burden off me, but I am going to be one tired woman working 60-70 hours a week now. But hey, enough whining already. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do what a girl has to do.

If the universe was ever screaming to a person to wake up, it's got to be shouting my name! I hear you, I got it. I get it. Life is what you make it and if there is one thing I have learned from this whole ugly experience, you aren't in control of it no matter how much you wish you were. My life plan is already laid out for me, if I would just follow the script! Why, why, why do I always try to take over the directors job? Each and every time I do that, I always find myself flat out in the middle of the floor on my back because that certain someone (and you know who that is) just yanked the rug out from under me to get my attention. Unfortunately, I can't hear well, so I have to be knocked over the head before I get the signs.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is that I can't, God can and I think I'll let him.

Ready for SPRING!!!

I can feel it around the corner. Maybe it's the fact that I was born on Groundhog's Day? But I am telling you, I can feel it. I am predicting an early Spring...despite that we are barely past the Ice Storm of the Decade last week. Everything is still frozen here and locked beneath a 6 inch layer, but the birds are chirping and we are headed for a warm up this weekend. The weather man is calling for a mid 40's warm up and compared to the temps we've been dealing with of late, that's a darn heat wave!!

I long for green grass and tulips and daffodils poking up through my flower beds. I long for warm breezy afternoons and rain showers. For Spring can only mean one thing in my book...the entry to summer and I love summer. I live for summers. I am excited of the possibilities that this Spring will bring. I am looking forward to working in my yard and on my back patio, planting flower beds and finding a place to camp and boat this summer. I can't wait!

So what's on YOUR agenda for this Spring?

Mondays Child

I love the old Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme Poem called Monday's Child:

Mondays Child

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I have read this poem a thousand times over the years since I was a little girl myself. I never really paid it no mind until today when I read again for the one thousand and first time. I decided to dig a little deeper into the meaning of the lines. I looked up my date of birth and then my girls and here is where we stand:

Me: Tuesdays Child is full of grace

Jade: Wednesdays child is full of woe

Ivy: Thursdays child has far to go

WOW! Did you read that? If not please reread it once more for me! Now I am not so sure about the full of grace for me....but the other two are quite frankly spot on! Unbelievably so!!

When I think of Jade, I do think of woe. She is always so dramatic and life is just so unfair to her. She some days feels like there is so much unjustness in her life that she is the sole bearer of this cross. Of course I just chalk it up to prepubescent HORMONES, but this is helpful in knowing that its her destiny to feel "woebegone" as a general rule. I have to laugh because my nick name for her is "Negative Nelly"...hahaha!

When I think of Ivy, I think how far she has to go yet. I can't help to think of how far she has already come, so her journey is not over so to speak. She was dealt a crappy hand in life, but along the way she has overcome and triumphed like a true champion and her load will be long and there will never be a full recovery, but she can hopefully learn to adjust to life and her surroundings enough to cope on a day to day basis and no one will be the wiser to her "issues" except those that know and love her.

So what's your day of the week and how does it fit into the description of yourself? Drop me a line and let me know!

2011...and I am Living the Dream

LIVING THE DREAM. I decided that this will be my mantra for 2011. After experiencing so much heartache in 2009 and 2010, I need a new out look on life. So in 2011, I will be living the dream, but not just anyone's dream. I will be living MY dream. And if you aren't in my dream, then buddy you better be stepping on out of my way because NOTHING is going to stop me from this being my best year yet!

The thing I love about January is the renewal process and how we get to wipe the slate clean and start fresh each year. I have my list of resolutions (or goals) for 2011. I gave them to the Universe and have set them all free. Here's to hoping I can actually stick to some of them this year and make some really positive changes in my life. :) I have decided not to list them publically this year. I have reasons for this: 1) No need to list them only to break them 2 mths later and 2) hopefully I WON'T break them and you will just notice the changes in me that were on my list ;)

I wish you all a wonderful and Happy New Year!