BEING THANKFUL

This Thanksgiving, there is just so much to be thankful for in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I took the opportunity today to thank some people on Facebook, by posting a "thankful post" on each person's wall. I told them the exact reason I was thankful for them in my comment. I am a firm believer of telling people how you feel now cuz when you're gone, you can't. Simple fact.

So as I write today about thankfulness, I can't help but feel grateful for all the people in my life that have helped me out this past year. I read through some old posts last night and reading a few of them was downright painful. I remember clearly being in the WalMart parking lot wishing my life was over. I remember clearly calling out to God that night for help. I remember promising to have the courage to change the things I could in order for things to improve in my life. That was scary, but a necessary change.

So many people both near to me and far away from me began praying for me. SO many people reached out to me to lend me a hand, their shoulders, time or money when I needed it most. It's been an incredibly rough 9 mths, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's an exhilarating feeling knowing I did this and I survived. :) So today as I reflect on what I am truly thankful for, I want to remember all those friends and family members who held me up when I couldn't walk on my own. I am so thankful for your presence in my life, soooo thankful for your love that I feel like I could burst wide open with thankfulness!

Here's hoping you have lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving too. Much love <3

FALLING in LOVE...

Yes it's true, I admit it. I am IN LOVE! I have been keeping this little secret all to myself until the time was right to share it. But I could yell it from the rooftops now and not care who knows! I am in love and not ashamed to say it. It's really amazing how things work out when we let God do the navigating. Waaay back in February of this year I had a nice long sit down with God and told him of my troubles and my unhappiness. I made a promise right then that I would do my part down here on Earth if he would help me out of the situation I was currently in. And then I waited....I waited patiently. I cried a lot, I prayed a lot, I talked to my loved ones gone before me asking for guidance (thank you Grandma!!), I doubted myself, I had LOADS of self pity, but I persevered and I waited some more asking for nothing other than God's will in my life.

Then one day when I very least expected it, our paths crossed. And suddenly, it felt like things just clicked into place. I pretty much knew after the first time we spent some time together, that this was the man I had been waiting for. I feel like I waited my whole life to meet him. Whenever we are together, it just feels completely right. I know for sure that he is Heaven sent to me. He is the most amazing addition to my life. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. I just know that my life seems so much fuller with him beside me. <3

I NEED DUCT TAPE!!!!!!!

Can I just scream for second here? Yes? I can? Good...hold on for a minute please.....aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Ok, I feel better. Can I just say that I am so sick and tired of hearing about H1N1 and Swine Flu and Flu vaccines??? OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! I am soooo sick of hearing about it all!!! What sickens me the MOST is that the media and the government have resorted to SCARE TACTICS to bullying the American public into believing that without their yearly flu shot and the new H1N1 Flu shot...you are going to die! I actually got a Honeywell Instant Alert last night from the school I work for reminding me that the deadline for H1N1 shot registration is today! I was steaming mad!! Unbelievably mad!

Here's my take on it. The strain of flu that is going around is a very mild form of H1N1 and isn't it better to build up immunity to that NOW in it's milder form so that when it mutates and becomes lethal down the road in another 10-20 yrs, we have at least some antibodies built up to it in our system? No, apparently someone, somewhere decided to throw together a vaccine in less that 2 mths and did very little proper testing on it and now are bullying you into thinking that without you, you could die? Well, I got news for ya. I could get run over by a frigging bus tomorrow and die. We all are gonna die when we are gonna die...ain't no flu shot gonna protect you from that.

When did Americans become so helpless in their own health? When did people stop thinking for themselves? When did we stop educating ourselves about what is good vs. what is bad for our bodies? When did we let doctors become the dictators of our own health and stop taking charge of ourselves? When did we stop using common sense and use simple methods like washing your hands and covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze? Why not use extra Vitamin C and Echinacea,Vitamin D, arugula, colostrum and the likes to keep our immune systems healthy and running well? Why? Because those things don't make money for big pharma and big pharma owns everything and everyone. Washington DC is big pharma's BITCH!

I understand people who suffers from a chronic illness or disease or the very elderly can benefit from the regular flu shot, but no one else really needs one to be honest...least of all pregnant women! We don't won't any pregnant woman to get the flu anymore than you want your child to get the flu but it happens to be the better of the two choices. I would much rather suffer from the flu for 3-4 days than to be stuck with a vial full of poison that contains all of the below and goes straight through the placenta into the babies blood stream:

Egg proteins: including avian contaminant viruses
Gelatin: known to cause allergic reactions and anaphylaxis are usually associated with sensitivity to egg or gelatin
Polysorbate 80 (Tween80™): can cause severe allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis
Formaldehyde: known carcinogen
Triton X100: a strong detergent
Sucrose: table sugar
Resin: known to cause allergic reactions
Gentamycin: an antibiotic
Thimerosal: mercury is still in multidose vials

OK, I got a nice roll of silver duct tape right here beside me...I am ripping the biggest piece I can off and plastering it across my face. Mmm mmmmm.....mmmmm.....mmm!!

I was TAGGED!!!

My dear friend Heather decided it was time for me to get busy and start blogging again, so she ever so politely tagged me back into reality, LOL. I've been asked to reveal eight random things about me that people don't already know. So, wow! Umm, that's going to be hard, because I've told you all everything there is to know about me already! I read like an open book....so this is going to be challening. When I am done with my list, then I am going to tag 6 more people to join me!


So here we go, here we go, here-we-go!!


1) I dye my hair. I have been darn near every color on the shelf at some point. I have no clue what my "natural" color is anymore. I first colored my hair with my bestie Carol in 8th grade...we used Sun-In and it became a sorta orangish brownish color.

2) I can't stand for my fingernails to show. I clip them as soon as they grown out even the teeniest bit.

3) I am flat out, hands down addicted to Diet Coke.

4) I love old school video games. My favorites are Centipede, Space Invaders, Missile Command, and Pac Man.

5) I secretly want to give away all my possession but for a few treasured items, pack what's left, take my kids and move out of the country to some place like Germany, or Sweden or France....and live out the rest of my days there.

6) I am very intuiative. I get "feelings" about situations and people that usually come true....I also seem to have a thing for dead people visiting me in my dreams. I think I might be really in tune to the other side for some reason. Wish I knew how to harness it better though....

7) I am 44 yrs old and yeah...I am still afraid of the dark. :)

8) I have never felt my real age....ever. What am I going to tell myself when I turn 50? I am not sure if there is condition for this or not (yeah Lisa, it's called immaturity)...but when I look at some people my age, I think they look really old to me and then I think, there is no way I am that old. How does the mind play tricks on you like that? Because last time I checked, I was born on Feb. 2, 1965...which means that yep, I am getting older by the minute. But on the INSIDE, I still feel 17. :)

So there you have it peeps, 8 very random and obscure things about me. I have decided to take the following people and have left you a comment so that you know I chose you! Thanks for playing along <3

I chose: Ariane, Becky, Wendy, Stephanie, Susan and Christina

Heartbreaker

Well anyone that has a child with autism surely knows that with autism, comes heartache. That's a given. Someone pointed out to me last night that all kids suffer heartache, not just kids with autism. Very true. All kids have been on the receiving end a time or two of someone's bullying. As a parent, you want to protect them from that type of pain, but yet you have to let them learn to fend for themselves because at times, life just isn't fair and they need to learn coping skills for when that happens. For the most part, I let Ivy fight her own battles, only once have I stepped in and shown my claws since she started school. She is an easy target for kids to pick on because she is not only speech delayed, but she is socially delayed as well. She is in the 3rd grade, yet relates best to the kids in kindergarten and 1st grade. That's where she is as far as maturity level, so that's where she best fits in. Nothing wrong with that, except that her typical peers seem to like to call her names like baby and preschooler and the likes.

Which brings me to my point here....last night Ivy had a meltdown. The kind that breaks your heart kind of meltdown. It's amazing to me the things she remembers. She started crying first that she remembered when she was a baby and she was angry and used to slap me and pull my hairand she was sorry for that. I was sort of dumbfounded. I can't believe she really remembers that. She has never expressed to me that she remembers anything about her earlier years, so how was I to know? That thought sent chills down my spine though. If she remembers doing that at age 2, 3, 4, then kids with autism are indeed locked inside just waiting to get out. That's so scary. So she knew all along what she was doing but couldn't control it. That thought is just really, really sad to me. :(

Then that went straight into a course of "no one likes me at school" tirades...that "everyone thinks she is a baby" and "she doesn't have any real friends" and that "the girls in her class don't like her"...which sent her straight into the "I HATE AUTISM AND I DON'T WANT AUTISM ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE ENZYMES AND EAT SPECIAL FOOD, I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS!!!!" tirade. Which left me speechless. And sad. I don't want her to have autism anymore either. I don't want her to have to take meds and supplements and enzymes and eat special food either. I don't want her to be picked on at school and singled out either. All I could do was hold her and rock her and assure her that she was ok and she was a very special person even with her autism. What else can you do? Food for thought though as I make my way through today: Ivy remembers being locked inside....wow, that's amazing!

Sometimes it's the small things that are BIG!

It's true....and we can truly miss out on these moments if we aren't looking for them. It's been so painfully obvious that I have struggled with every detail of my life for the past year. It shows here on my blog, in my everyday life and in all that I do. I am the type of person that wears their feelings on their sleeve. I doubt if at any time will you NOT know how I am feeling. Some may say that is a character defect, I just call it part of who I am. :)

Anyway, trying to make it through the muck of my life lately has been less than pleasant. I have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering what does my future hold? Being single at age 44 with 2 kids, one of which has autism is not an easy thing to do. There are so many times I wanted to cave and just let him come back home for convenience sake, but I couldn't bring myself to continue to live a lie. So, I have toughed it out and hung in there, riding the storm out to see what's on the other side. For the first time in months, I think I can see the shoreline from a distance. How good it will feel to place my feet on solid ground again...put my toes in the sand, feel the warm sun on my skin. I look forward to it.

It seems at times, like life doesn't make any sense at all and we search for the reasons things went wrong. We accept our faults, learn from our mistakes and hopefully allow ourselves to heal some before moving forward. I recently made the decision that I was done wallowing in self-pity and decided it was time to move forward. SCARY, SCARY and more SCARY!! Funny this is, I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just wanted to take a few steps towards the edge of the cliff and sort of take a look down and see how high the jump was. When I got there, I see it's not so bad after all. There is serenity waiting for me down below if I would only jump. So I JUMPED! It was like free falling. Nothing but air and then as lightly as I could hope for, I landed softly on the ground below and I am still alive and still breathing and there is something hopeful on the horizon. It's just one of those small little gifts from God that are so easy to miss if you aren't tuned in for them. There is something in front of me that I can't wait to explore. The timing feels right and I am hopeful. I just want to enjoy it for what it is and not look too far into my future trying to figure out where this fits into my life. All I have to do is be in the now and be grateful for this little thing that's really BIG and try not to navigate my life. God's got that covered and already knows the map way better than I do.

Gratitude List Number 1004

OK, so when you are uptight, pissed off, and tired it truly is THE BEST time to sit down and remember what you are grateful for in life. It works every time for me and always pulls me out of the nasty funk I am in at the moment. And since I am really, really uptight, pissed off and tired, this list in NECESSARY in order for me to continue further in this day. So here goes. Remember gratitude lists don't need to be profound every time you make once, just list what your are grateful for at that moment in time. :)

1) Sundays, so that I can regroup, catch up on sleep and laundry

2) my friends who are constant network of support

3) skor candy bars, I have eaten 2 this week!

4) the sun...if it ever shines again

5) school starting tomorrow, thank you God!

6) my children, how blessed I am to be their Mom

7) pottery barn catalogs, I got 4 new ones in the mail last week!!

8) flip flops, I own around 20 pairs, I can't live without mine :)

9) my jobs, without them I could pay for nothing and so many people don't even have one job, I am just grateful that I can work.

10) a good book and a hot cup of tea...where I can be somewhere else other than in MY life.

Randomness

I am so glad that God created humans to be able to love, create bonds and make friendships. Because I love my friends and without them I am pretty much alone, lol!

Something is in the air, I can feel it. I feel like this could be the start of a new chapter for me. I am taking some steps to move forward and it's not as scary as I thought it would be. My friends say go ahead and JUMP! Easier said than done, but I am trying.

I love summer and I am already sad that it's coming to an end. :*(

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am. :D

All work and no play, makes LISA a dull woman. Got any suggestions?

If they say that well behaved women never make history, then I should go down in the books.

My kids absolutely crack me up. When did they become such comedienne's?

I saw the New Moon trailer this week and I am seriously STOKED to see the movie in November. I think I might just have to read NM again before the movie comes out. That makes #6. I need a 12 step program to get off Twilight. Geesh.

COOL Back to School GIVEAWAY!

My friend over at Cutie Pies Custom Creations is having an awesome BTS giveaway. You gotta check it out!

Cutie Pies Custom Creations BTS Giveaway!

Summer's Over, Let's Recap

Well, I tried out the "not blogging" thing and to be honest, I miss it. So apparently I still have something to say or I wouldn't be here right now making a new post. :)

So summer's over for me as I am back to work full-time at the school since Monday. My own kids do not return to school until August 24th this year so that did create a bit of a hassle for me this time around. Thank God for Ed's mom who volunteered to watch them for me until Thursday. I am not sure who is going to keep them beyond that. I'll figure it out when it gets here I guess.

So I figured now would be a great time for me to do some reflecting and recap my summer. I don't think I can complain any. Summer is my most favorite season out of the four and I had a pretty lazy summer until the past few weeks. The girls and I went spent two glorious weeks in California with Mommy in July and it was both relaxing and rejuvenating to be there. I can know without a doubt that when I go home to visit, I can kinda center myself and recharge my batteries. There is just something about that ocean air that keeps calling my name....

So aside from our trip, we have had plenty of opportunities to hang out by the pool and relax. My cousin Tracy and her family came from New York for a short visit and it was good to see my girls bonding and playing with her girls, I captured some great moments on film of the girls while they were here. I was grateful for the opportunity to share some time with my cousin as well.

My mom and Cal came to visit us too. Although their trip was cut really short after Cal injured his shoulder playing golf and thought he might need surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. So they packed up and went back home a few short days after we got back from California.

I tried unsuccessfully to find a new job over the summer. I really prayed about it and asked God to provide me with the place He wanted me to be. I sent in TONS of resume's and didn't get any bites. Competition is really fierce these days I guess. In the end, I am here at the school where I've been for the last 3 years and I hooked a weekend waitress gig at Ian's Pub to pick up the slack. I guess for now, this is exactly where God wants me to be. So I give in, the white flag is flying.

Ed and I are in the same place we were back in March, separated but in no hurry to file for divorce. He is doing his thing and I am doing mine. We are getting along fine for the girls' sake and I think we are handling it well. I am lonely and feel kinda like I have a lot of nervous energy quite often, but all in all, I am doing fine. I am slowly learning to love myself again and that's a blessing in itself right there. I am a firm believer that if we don't love ourselves, then we can't possibly love someone else. So I continue to work on Lisa and life continues to be ok. I am going to be just fine.

I have been tinkering with the notion of returning to school. I think now would be an excellent time to do so and time is going to pass anyway, so it might as well pass while I am getting an education. Thing is I can't decide what I want to do. I really wanted to finish the path I started with the Nutritional Consultant thing, but I have been thinking more and more about getting my RN or a BS in Nutritional Science, then again I think I would enjoy radiology. Decisions, decisions....

So there you have it, a short recap of the past few months. I am sort of dreading Fall. I love Prep Football and of course my Colts, but there is not too much about the next several months that gets me too excited with the exception of Christmas. The thing that I am dreading is the Holidays for my kids. I am not sure I have what it takes to get through the Season. It seems so sad that we won't be spending it together as a family this year. I can't help but doubt my decisions at times like this. But I am a tough old gal and I think I will find a way to make it memorable for my girls in spite of our situation.

So looking forward to a new school year and a fresh new batch of Freshman and hoping that God has something really good in store for me coming up.

Wondering

I wonder if I were to quit blogging about autism, if I'd have anything to say? I wonder if I blogged about my sad, little, lonely life would anyone want to read that? Probably not. Although I love the people who can blog about being a mom, easy meal preparation, fancy photography, home decorating and thrifty shopping techniques....I just don't think that I am that kind of blogger. Afterall, I am not just any Lisa and not just any blogger and this is not just any blog, right?

What if I blogged about something entirely new and different? Is blogging still popular or is it losing it's edge? With the millions upon millions of blogs out there, is my blog even significant? Should I stop blogging altogether? Do I have anything interesting enough to share anymore?

These are all the questions that I think of whenever I click my saved link that leads me to my blog. Everytime I go to update it, I keep thinking that this blog has served it purpose and there is nothing left to give my followers. Maybe I have just outgrown it? Maybe there is just nothing left to say about autism that hasn't already been said by thousands of other people blogging about the exact same thing!
Unfortunately, autism is main stream now. It's everywhere you look. Some one has a sad story about the atrocities of autism and how it stole their loved one away from them. That's the bitch about this whole thing. It's just another day in paradise for those of us struggling with our 1 in 150 kids. That's a helluva lot of kids. So there are now a helluva lot of people out there with the same damn, tired old story that I have. Telling my story of autism is kinda like beating a dead horse.

SO...unless I can come up with some reason to keep this blog going, I think I am just going to give it up. I have chronicled our journey online for the past 5 yrs. Maybe it's time for me to step down off my soap box and hand the mike over to some other mom who has a child that has recently been diagnosed....let her tell you her story? I don't know...just sorta thinking out loud here. If you should happen to read this post, please leave a comment and gimme your thoughts!

Let's reflect for a minute

You know, when I'm stuck and not sure which way to go, I always like to reflect on the past to see exactly how far I have come and see if that helps push me a little further down the road. Reflecting on the past is to think, ponder, or meditate on life's events that lead up to the here and now. It keeps you grounded and humble and let's you see how life always has a way of working itself out for the best.

I was thinking yesterday about Ivy and how far she has come since being diagnosed at age three with autism. I remember that day clearly, like it was yesterday. The lady said to me, "well yeah Ivy is on the autism spectrum and there is no cure for autism and here is some paperwork about autism you might wanna read, any questions?" She plopped a whole pile of paperwork in my hands and I walked out the door just numb. I wasn't sure I was going to make it across the parking lot to my car without buckling under. I remember talking to God as soon as I got in my car and saying, "please show me what to do".

The very next morning, I got on Google and typed in the words "cure for autism"...the first thing that came up was info on THE GFCF Diet and how people were bringing their kids out of autism by doing this diet. I was hopeful that this was my answer. That morning I sat and read for hours about how I could help my daughter. It was the beginning to my road map to recovery. I knew I had to save her no matter the cost. I would stop at nothing to get her better. I would leave no stones unturned. I would try everything there was to try and start from scratch if need be. I only had a small window of opportunity to pull her out of it and I was in a race against time.

Reflecting back, I was truly a mad woman. I was obsessed and addicted to healing her. It cost me a lot in the end. I am completely broke and don't have a dime to my name, I lost friendships over it, lost family connections, and even my marriage didn't survive it. But would I change a thing about the journey? HELL NO! I would do exactly the same thing all over again if it meant saving my kid. I don't regret a single moment of the hell we've lived for the last five years. Because it was all worth it to see her beautiful face light up when you walk into the room and it's worth it when she masters something new each day. It's worth it when I see her forming friendships and maturing more each year. It's worth it when I see her excel in school and become one of the top students in her class. It's worth it when I see her playing with her sister without screaming and throwing a tantrum. It's all worth it.
So no regrets here, only gratitude today.

The Roller Coaster Ride

Somebody please stop this thing, because I want to get off right now. My life just keeps going up and down, back and forth, and in crazy, crazy circles. I feel like I am riding the roller coaster of life these days. One minute I am up and then I am down. I am really, really getting motion sickness I think. Time to check out and get off the ride before the whiplash does permanent damage to me.


I have been making some pretty poor decisions that are affecting me mentally and emotionally. I can't afford to take too many steps backwards here, so now is the time to stop and correct my course before I get too far off the track. Reel in and regroup. Sorry this post is so random and scattered. I am just feeling very unorganized and disheveled this morning and I needed to vent. I know that sometimes I think TOO MUCH, but this time I am pretty sure that I need to stop, look around and size up if what I am doing is healthy for me. If I am even questioning it, I will take that as an answer that indeed, I am screwing up and need to start over. Good thing the sun comes up again each and every day and that we can start it all over. I am in desperate need of a re-do right now. Keep me in your thoughts that I can focus on the big picture here and not get lost on my way. Namaste.

P.U.S.H.

I love this acronymn. I am the acronym QUEEN! Anyone that knows me, knows that this is true..KWIM? LOL!! Anyway, I am sure you know this one without me even telling, but just in case you don't it stands for: Pray Until Something Happens. I used to have that hanging on my fridge where I could see it daily. I think I need to hang it back up there. I need to keep *PUSHING*. I need to keep praying. I need to keep faith that it'll all work out. When I don't pray for answers, things can get really jammed up in my life pretty darn quickly. For me, it's a work in progress. Learning to make prayer part of your daily routine is what's tricky. It's just one of those things you just have to make time for. So, I have no clue what the future holds for me, but I do know that if I just PUSH...then good things will surely follow.

Actual Conversation with Me and Ivy

Me: Ivy, what's your most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: swim (said with a huge grin)

Me: What's mommy's most favorite thing to do in the whole world?

Ivy: shop

Me: (laughing) shop?!?!!?!?!?!??! (like I have money to shop) Shop for what Ivy?

Ivy: food

Me: FOOD?!?! What kind of food?

Ivy: the only kind you buy, GROSS food. All the food you buy is gross. It's the grossest most ever food in the world!

Me: Oh really? I buy gross food huh?

Ivy: yeah next time you buy food only just buy what I want OK? not gross food...just buy the kind of food I want cuz I like good food, not gross food like you and Jade like.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

A friend recently sent me a note and said if I wanted to get re-inspired to write, I should go back over my blog and get inspiration from that. At first thought, it sounded like an excellent idea (and it is) but after mulling over it for a week or more I decided that I am afraid to do that. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid that I won't LIKE what I see is probably more like it. It's not that I can't embrace my past, it's that I am at this crossroad in my life where I have one foot in the past and one in the future and I am paralyzed with the thought of going back. I don't want to relive those times, those heartaches, those disappointments.

Yesterday I sort of had an epiphany. I love it when I have one of those, because it usually means healing is coming close behind it. I was watching a show on TV about addiction and one parents struggle to save his son from addiction. At one point the father said, "I realized that I too, was addicted. I was addicted to saving my son". That hit me like a ton of bricks and the light bulb clicked on. I already know and accept that I have addiction problems and struggle with an addictive personality, but hearing that really drove it home for me. That is the life I have been living for the past 5 years. I was addicted to saving Ivy from the throws of autism. I was obsessed with saving her. Looking back now it's so simple to see. I traded one addiction for another. Now is the time when I could really get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of life.

There are certainly things I could of done better, like reaching out more to friends and family and not trying to be such a martyr when it came to Ivy's recovery. There are certainly things I should have done but didn't, like asking for help when I was drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow and shutting Ed out because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die some days. Then there are certainly things I would have done if I had only had the resources to do so. But I let resentments and hatred blind me and not allow for things to flow into my life that might have if I hadn't been so closed off to it. I have learned from the mistakes and I am suddenly aware that it has been an addiction for me and I also know that like all other addictions, I am going to have to let this go and turn it over to God.

Life is really going to be ok now. Ivy is healing more and more every day and that in itself is a true miracle. I guess I can't really say that I regret that I was obsessed and addicted to saving her, because ultimately, I believe it is why she is where she is today. My drive and determination is what pulled her out of the darkness and back into the light. For once I can be grateful for my addictive personality! So rather than sit here and dwell on the what-if's, I think I will just embrace my faults and the fact that the past is the past and my life is going exactly where I want it to go right now.

Gratitude List Number 997

Yeah that's right, yet another gratitude list. When I get all twisted up inside, I have to make a list or I might say/do something I later regret. Amazing how much 24 hrs can change your whole outlook on life. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about things....today I woke up in an awesome mood and then things went south pretty darn quick. My kids apparently had other ideas about how they felt today and boy did they ever let me know. My car decided it doesn't want to go anymore, I had an argument with my estranged and the list just keeps going. SO....because I am feeling so down about a couple of things, I decided the best remedy would be to make a gratitude list.

OK, I realize that some of these are pretty insignificant, but they are things that make me happy and that I am truly grateful for. That's all I got peeps.

TEN THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

1) for God for being my constant companion and carrying me through these hard times.

2) for my friends who are holding me up and listening to me whine and gripe about the goings on in my life. You know who you are.

3) for my kids who are the inspiration behind my motives these days.

4) for the warm sun that should be in the sky everyday as far as I am concerned.

5) for good music to carry me away from my own problems.

6) for exercise to help relieve my stress.

7) for Yoplait Whips Dulce de Leche yogurt cups...these are TDF!!

8) for Pottery Barn catalogs that I can escape to in the bath tub.

9) for my mom for all she does for me

10) for my new phone so that I can text with lightening speed now

Gaining Momentum

The thought occurred to me today that things are really beginning to fall into place in my life. Amazing how that stuff all works itself out, isn't it? I was sort of reflecting over the past couple of weeks and can see how I have opened myself up to the healing process. I am always so worried about others feelings that I often forget about my own. But lately I have noticed things starting to come into my life just when they need to be there. I think I am just at a point that I am ready to accept the changes and ready for transformation. Bring it on.

Even though each new day presents itself with new adventures and some difficult challenges, I am certain that I am on the right path for the first time in a long time. Keeping it light hearted and not taking things too seriously has been the formula for success for me. Now all I need to do is keep the momentum going. :) Today, and it may just be for today only, I can honestly say that I am hopeful!

Happy Birthday Ivy!

I love birthdays. It's the one day of the year, you get to acknowledge your birth...your entrance into the world. It's awesome and I love celebrating them. I usually go all out for my kids' birthdays too. This year is no exception. What I also love is reflecting back over the last year to see how far they have come. For Miss Ivy, well w-o-w, where do I start? She has grown leaps and bounds this past year. I cannot believe that my "baby" is eight. I think that finally, I can let her go back into the world and let her fly. I think that finally, I can sigh a heavy sigh of relief and know that for the first time in a long, long time, she is going to be alright. The Ivy she was meant to be is emerging and it's a wonderful gift to me as her mother.

While she still has the autism that will always be a part of her, she has made great strides the past year. I have watched her grow emotionally and physically. I have watched her form her first real friendships through school and Brownies and experience the pains of those bonds as well like all little girls do. I have watched her become confidant and mature. She is definitely growing up and without my help for the first time since she was three. On one hand I am sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but on the other, I couldn't be more happy that she has become so independent and willing to fly on her own!

Friday night, I was fortunate enough to get to spend the evening with Ivy alone, just one on one. We went to dinner at her favorite place, Steak-n-Shake and then I took her shopping to get some birthday loot and blow her birthday money she got in the mail. She got herself dressed in a really pretty sun dress, put on her pink lipstick and her clickity clackety high heeled sandals and off we went. I was thinking to myself how funny it was that she did all this by herself and how cute she looked. I was also thinking how much I would miss her needing me. But then as she always does, she reached and grabbed my hand in hers and said, "come on mom, we're gonna be late!"

I love that she still, at eight, wants to hold my hand wherever we go. Without fail, she reaches out for my hand and settles into it. It's the best feeling in the world for that very moment. What a gift to me she has been in her eight short years. What a gift she has been to all those who have been lucky enough to know her. She is a one of a kind kinda kid without a doubt. I know that for sure. Happy Birthday Ivy!

I feel so uninspired....

I have said it before and I am going to say it again right now, I NEED A MUSE!!! I am so uninspired to write. I have the worst case of writer's block I have ever experienced. Life keeps getting in the way of my creativity. No matter how hard I try to write something, it just won't come...nothing meaningful anyway. Yup, uninspired. The days roll by and turn into a week and still nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's just me and the feeling I have that I have nothing worthy of sharing. At any rate, I am sure that at some point the words will flow from my heart again, but right now my heart is empty and black and there is nothing there to give. Hang with me, I'll be back before you know it. Have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. :)

The Yearly IEP

Well, last week marked the date of another annual IEP for little miss Ivy. For the first time in years I wasn't nervous going into it. Maybe it was the fact that I have come to know and love the people most involved in her education at St. Michael's. Maybe it's the fact that she seems to soar no matter how much I worry. And then again, maybe just maybe, I am calm because I can see true healing in her and I can almost say that she is *recovered*. But shhhhhh....don't say that too loud. Recovered and IEP don't belong in the same sentence. We still want her to improve, so we still want services, so we can't say she is totally recovered now can we?

She has really excelled in Speech this year and that is in part due to an excellent Speech Therapist who has been pushing her hard to succeed this year and it shows. Been a great year for growth in that department. Next year will add some stress because in 3rd grade, they start ISTEP testing. That's a whole other ball game of stress for her. But accommodations have been made and I feel confidant that she will succeed there too. Now if we can just get the social part moving forward for her, I might even dare to call her a typical almost 8 year old. Joining Brownies this year has been a big plus and allowed her to see her peers in a social setting other than the classroom. It's been very good for her.

So all in all, I would have to say that this was an excellent IEP. No worries and I am just going to let go and let God where this is concerned. I will continue working with her over the summer and hope for the best in the fall when school resumes next year. <3

Random Thoughts

Life is not all doom and gloom and challenges. I think we are meant to enjoy the journey, aren't we? Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, good thoughts come to mind. I keep a small pad of paper near the bed so I can jot down some of my better thoughts :) Anyway, usually this is the time that I come up with some of the weirdest, most random thoughts. I thought I'd share a few with you.

1) I regret not chasing my dream of being a dancer/singer/actress on Broadway when I was 18 and newly graduated. I have always, always regretted that I let my parents talk me into a more "suitable and sensible" job like the medical field. I have absolutely hated this career for the past 20 years. It's the exact reason I never finished getting my RN, because I never wanted to do this in the first place. If I had to do it all over again, I would do what Lisa wanted.

2) I have been in love a couple of times in my life. I know the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. It's not the same and no matter how hard you try, you can't force yourself to be "in love" with someone if you aren't. Period.

3) I always pictured myself doing something like being in the Peace Corps, traveling the world and going to far away places like Africa, making a difference in the world. Wish I had done that too when I was younger.

4) Motherhood has been my greatest challenge thus far in life. I am not sure if I am a good mom or not. I try to guide, not dictate...give boundaries yet open fences, encourage dreams always and I never say good night without saying "I love you" to my girls. It's the best I got right now. I am a work in progress.

5) I hope to one day share a life with someone who can appreciate my quirkiness, my love of people, my children, my love of traveling, my humanitarian efforts and my need for endless boundaries and all the little things that make up my truly unique self. Surely there is someone out there that would enjoy these qualities too, right?

6)If I befriend you, I will consider you a friend for life. That's just me. But when it comes right down to it, I often feel very alone like I have no friends at all. I wonder if that is just my perception, or if I really do alienate people when I need them most. I have a tendency to not want people to know how much I am hurting or in need.

7) I want to write a book about my journey with autism. I know I can write it, but I have no clue where to begin and I am depressed that because I have been so down about my personal life that I haven't devoted any time to it the past 3 mths.

8) I secretly wish to live anywhere, any place different than where I am right now. I feel trapped in this simple little town. I wish I had what it takes to pack up, move on and head out someplace else and start over fresh where nobody knows my name. When I day dream about living somewhere else, it always seem to be somewhere out West, or the Northwest. Something is calling me west.....but what?

9) I wish I could spend the second half of my life traveling the world over. I love to travel and I love seeing what the world has to offer me. I wish I had the funds to make this dream come true. I hear about people who just take off for a year and go. I envy them. I wish it were me.

10) Lately, I have been experiencing a rather strange phenomena. I have woken up several times at night to look at the clock and it will be 3:33 or 4:44, or I look at the clock during the day and it will be 1:11 or 11:11 or 2:22. It's been happening more and more often and it's starting to freak me out. I have decided to search the internet and see if there is some sort of significance to this. Wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something?

Ok, so there you have it...randomness straight out of my very own head. I know, I know...weird stuff....but those are the kind of things I think about when I can't sleep and I am wondering why I can't turn my mind off long enough to get some zzzz's

Happy Mother's Day :)

I had an awesome Mother's Day. My girls did not let me sleep in. They came bearing cards and school made gifts early this morning. My cards were adorable and they ROCKED! We snuggled in bed and giggled for awhile and then decided we had to make a run for Bob Evans. So we went. It was delish. Glad we went. Then I took the girls to Wally World to blow some of the money that they have been saving. Jadie got some Barbie and Ivy got some kind of stuffed puppy dog. Then, we went and got Mommy a new phone with my bowling proceeds from last week. Ended up getting it for free...even better b/c of the new every two upgrade credit we had. YAY!!! I love free stuff.

The girls went back home with their Dad late this afternoon and then I downloaded some more tunes on my iPod and jammed while I exercised. Called both my moms today and wished them a Happy Mother's Day too. All in all, it was a beautiful day. Couldn't have asked for a better day in fact. I am so blessed to be a Mom. There is no better job in the world in my opinion. Just feeling so grateful to have such beautiful souls for children. Each unique in their own way. Each with their own special things to love about them. Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful, loving moms out there!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

Turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes......I love that David Bowie song and I think of that song as I make the necessary changes in my life. I have to face the issues head on... turn and face the strain. But this is a good thing I think.

I feel like I am about to shed another layer of skin or like I am about to morph into a big beautiful butterfly. I have been cooped up in my cocoon for what seems like years now. I have been waiting so long to stretch my wings and fly...or flutter... or what ever it is that butterflies do. Sometimes during the healing process we have to peel back the layers to get to the real issues and once we acknowledge those issues that keep holding us back, then the healing can begin. I am looking forward to the flight.

I won't say that my life has been easy this past month. It's been a huge change for not only me, but for all of us. I know it's hardest on Ed because he is no longer with us here in our home. I feel bad for that, but feel good about the space between us. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long, long time. Sometimes change is good. :)

Butterflies are free ya know......

Verbal Barf

Come on now....we've all had it at some point or another, right? And boy, oh boy did I ever just have it tonight. The result of a very long and very stressful day no doubt. I think everyone within 2 city blocks could hear these words somewhere off in the distance:

"Tharrrrrr she blows matey!!!!"

And as much as I hate to admit it, I did blow with a string of profanities that would surely curl your hair. It's just that I have people coming at me from all directions telling me what I need to do, what I should do, what I have to do and how to do it best. I got people giving me unwanted advice and people talking about my situation with other people. So, unless I ask for it, please don't offer me your sage advice. I don't wanna hear it....all it does is stress me out even more trying to make all of you happy by trying to follow your advice. I should add that I truly do appreciate it when people ask me how I am doing or how I am holding up. Knowing that you are thinking of me gives me great comfort. It's just dishing out the advice that makes me cringe.

Anyway, since I got my panties all up in a wad, I decided that the best thing to do was to come here and type. Get it out, let it out, and while I am here I am going to make a quick gratitude list. Because in all the crap, there has got to be something I am grateful for right? So here goes:

1) To God who is carrying me because I can't even walk right now.
2) To my kids for being the inspiration that keeps me moving forward
3) To my job, that I still have in this failing economy when so many people I know have lost theirs.
4) To my friends who are keeping me afloat and who listen to me whine incessantly about my misery. "Whoa is me", right?
5) To good music that "takes me away to that special place".
6) To the great weather we had last Saturday and Sunday.
7) To Twix candy bars for getting me through the afternoons when I can hardly move.
8) To Facebook for keeping me sane the past month. Thanks for the laughs!
9) To exercise which has been a great stress reliever for me.
10) To my texting buddy....you've given me a slither of hope to hang on to and reminded me that I used to be somebody once upon a time. Thank you for that :)

So there you have it. I found 10 things I could be grateful for, even tonight, and I feel better already! I encourage you to stop what you are doing right now and make a list too, it always brings you out of yourself long enough to appreciate even the smallest of things in your life. By journaling and making gratitude lists, we can eliminate stress so that we don't end up having verbal barf like I did tonight. Good Luck!

Just the three of us

I am slowly but surely getting this new routine of my life down pat. I am making some huge transitions in our lives, but it's for the better. The three of us are adapting quite well in fact. Jade is helping out with dinner and dishes and Ivy is not complaining...which is the best that I can hope for. It's kind of sad, that she seems the least affected by this whole mess. It doesn't seem to bother her that Dad's not here. Not sure if that is her quiet way, or the autism that steals her emotions away from her. Hoping it's the first one. I know that this is not easy for any of us and I wouldn't wish this situation on even my worst enemy. But we are doing fine and getting through it. Nothing more really, just wanted to say that we are okay, just the three of us. <3

Writer's Block

I think I am experiencing a classic case of plain old writer's block. I need a muse. Normally the words flow like honey, but with so much going on in my personal life, I just don't seem to have the inspiration to put anything good on my blog. I guess you all will have to bear with me as I wade through the mess of my life. I know without a doubt that one day the words will come easily again and I just have to patient. But in the meantime, don't expect too much.

So on another note, I was just realizing that I only have about 7 weeks of work left for the school year and then I am jobless for a couple of months. I am kind of panicked about the thought of that. I am not sure what I am going to do this summer. I have to work. There is no question about that. But with the economy in the crapper like it is, jobs are very hard to come by. So, I am on a mad search for summer work. Wish me luck with that and if you could spare a prayer for me and the girls, I would love you forever. <3

What to do , what to do?

Well, I find myself at a crossroad. What to do with myself now? For so long, for so many years all I ever did was eat, sleep and breathe autism and recovery. Now that I no longer need to work so feverishly to save my daughter, now that I no longer have a husband here to argue with, what will I DO with myself?

Enjoy the one on one time with the girls, exercise a little, get a pedicure, eat right, sleep well....in other words do stuff that is going to nourish my soul. Yeah, I can do all those things but I am one of those people that must have something to really believe in, some kind of goal to strive towards. So that is why I ask myself what am I going to with Lisa now?

I think the best way to handle things is to use the KISS method (keep it simple stupid, LOL!). If I just keep it simple and take one day at a time, eventually I will find which road is the right road to travel down. In the meantime, I can enjoy the scenery and take in the sights from standing right here at this nice little crossroad I am standing at.

I wish to thank all the people who have encouraged me in the past month and who have reached out to me to offer up their experience, strength and hope with me as I walk through this difficult time in my life.

Just a quick update on the girls. They are handling this like troopers! Unbelievably well in fact which tells me I made the right move here. We are communicating daily and keeping an open attitude. They are seeing a counselor so they can talk with someone other than mom and dad. In fact, I have already noticed a change in attitude in them both. I think maybe that is my clue that just as much as my husband and I were miserable....they were miserable too. Now that the tension is gone from the house, so is the stress and so is the attitude and misbehaving. They are just doing great. I couldn't be prouder of them and their efforts. I know it's really hard on them, but I think we are going to get through this as a team, or at least I hope so.

Challenge Yourself

Ever wonder how we phase from one point in our lives to the other? You know those infamous moments in time when it is the most uncomfortable...the growing pains called LIFE. I do. I wonder how I have managed to make it through some of the toughest times of my life (i.e raising a child with autism) and I have still come out "ok" on the other side. Not to say that I came out completely unscathed, because I have not. I have battle wounds and some very deep scars. I have lost some very important things along the way. But, sometimes....that is the price we have to pay. Unfortunately.

I like a challenge and life always presents us with challenge. But it's those very challenges that make us stronger individuals. Weaves the fabric of our lives....
Right now I am experiencing the most painful challenge of my life. The death of my marriage. It's been ugly and I am shameful of my behavior at times, but I know without a doubt that I have done everything possible to save it and it still wasn't enough. Sometimes....even though it's painful, we have to know when enough is enough and let go. Which is what I have done. I am letting go of the dream, letting go of the challenge and letting go of the hurt, anger and pain. It's just time.

So, this brings me to my subject of challenging oneself. I am challenging myself to rise above this and prevail. Challenging myself to keep trudging the road to a happy destiny. I was once told by a wiser person than I, that the word "trudge" means to walk with a purpose. I like to think that I do have a purpose and I am walking towards that. So I keep trudging along....challenging myself to be a better person, better mother and hopefully a better partner to the next person I might be lucky enough to share my life with. Actually I don't think the future looks so glum. I am excited about the possibilities that are out there for me. That makes me smile...just a little.

Life's Unexpected Gifts

Ever wonder how, at exactly the precise moment that we need it, that something comes bursting into your life and changes the way you see things? And I mean exactly when you need it. Life's unexpected gift. And wow, was it ever unexpected. Wow is all I can say right now. God has a way of always bringing me right back around to where I need to be...every single time. So happy inside that I had to share that cryptic thought here with you. Enjoy the unexpected.

My Beloved Blog

Dear little blog,

I have neglected you for the past several weeks in exchange for a quest in finding myself. I am fortunate enough to have had people behind me encouraging me every step of the way. Real people backing me and saying, "you can do it" and "you are going to be okay". Those kinds of exchanges with people are what have kept me afloat since I last posted. Even though I feel like I have been shattered into a million little pieces, I am more whole than I have been in a long, long time. No kidding.

I have nothing profound to share today, other than I miss you. I miss not being able to pour my heart out to you. I miss our closeness. I miss everything about you. I look forward to getting cozy with you again soon.

I'll be headed to the West Coast next Friday, March 27th. Long time coming. Can't wait to get away and breathe some good ocean air. Healing thoughts be with me.

Love Always,

Notjustanylisa

Finding the COURAGE

I know it's been a while since I last posted and to be honest, I have just been at a loss for words. If you know me at all, then you will know that if I am at a loss for words, then I am bad off. :)

I just wanted to report that I have found the COURAGE to change the things I can. It wasn't an easy decision, but I did arrive there....finally. Now that I know what my plan is, I can work each day towards that goal. I feel a great sense of relief with that.

The girls are doing well. They were both quite sick 2 weeks ago and each of them missed 3 days of school. I believe that the sick bug has finally left our house. We are anxiously awaiting Springs arrival. It can't get here soon enough as far as I am concerned. I am going to jump start my Spring, by heading home to California over Spring Break. I am taking a much needed "Lisa Vacation"...all alone with no husband and no kids. Scandalous, I know....but SO WELL DESERVED!!!

That is all I have to say for now. I am hoping that my inspiration returns soon and I can get back to working on my book and posting regularly here. I haven't written any pages for the book for so long now. It's hard to write when you feel so uninspired to do so. Hang in there, better days are coming!

Self-pity wins again

I get so mad at myself for letting the situation eat me alive. I know better. I have been here before and it's an ugly, ugly place. Last time I was here, I nearly drowned in my own self-pity. I guess the good thing this time around, is that I was able to recognize it way earlier and once you recognize & accept it, like all first steps, you can begin to change or heal it.

So the question is how did I let myself get back here? I am ashamed that I let it swallow me up. I was completely down in the bowels of self-pity and self-hatred this time. I pretty much just gave in and and said, "here take me over, because I don't have the will power to fight you anymore."

Ok, so the revelation that I have given myself over to it, yet again, has been made. Now, I just need to move forward through the muck of my daily life and get to the other side again where there is respite care waiting for me. The thing is, I already know this. I know that all I have ever had to do was call His name, and He would be there help me through. Why do I always seem to forget that when I need it most? Because I am human and I fail quite often.

My plan is to start focusing on the clutter of my life and weeding out the unnecessary. Only then can I begin to focus on the true matter at hand here. If I am not well mentally and emotionally, then someone around me is also suffering. I can think of two "someones" that can't afford to have Mommy whacked out of her gourd. I owe it to them to be better and I owe it to myself as well. When and if you read this, please stop and say a prayer for me. I need strength to do the right thing here.

I love the Serenity Prayer and I say it every single morning. It covers all my bases for a simple plan to life.

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. 44 years young. Last year was not the best year in my life. In fact, it was quite possibly the crappiest year I have ever had. It brought much pain and heartache with it. All wasn't bad though. I did make it to Washington DC and was part of history making and for that I will always be grateful. I am hoping with all of my heart that this year will bring much happiness to me.

I know there are huge changes just on the horizon for me, but I am not going to be sad and mope around about it. I am going to be happy, positive and move forward. I will be ok. I have friends and family that love and support me. Happy Birthday to me!

As Bob Marley says,

Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

So we got a little snow....

Finally! Now I am no fan of winter. Let me repeat that: I HATE WINTER!!

But if it's going to be cold and miserable outside, then we should at least have something pretty to look at right? Up until last Tuesday, we have only had 6" total all winter. Well, not anymore. In 24 hours we had about 12" DUMPED on us. Three "no school days" later and we are just now digging our way out and back into the world.

I don't mind "no school days"....because I work at a school, so if we have a snow day, I am off work too.

Here are a couple of snow pics for your enjoyment:

Breath

I have been nearly out of my mind the past month. I am stir crazy and this snow outside is bringing me down. I am thinking of warmer climates and getting away for awhile so I can breathe. I need a breath of fresh air and a change of scenery. Thinking of going home to my mom's for a visit and breathing in some of that wonderful ocean air. Always clears my head and going home always grounds me and gives me a certain peace of mind that I can't find anywhere else on earth. Nothing like Moms house, huh?

Speaking of breath, that reminds me of my favorite song by Breaking Benjamin.

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
Is it over yet, in my head?
I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.
Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

If the truth hurts....

I have to admit that I feel anxious when I don't come here and write. I get all this extra pent-up anxiety when I can't release the stresses of the day. I'm a spiller. Always have been and unfortunately, I will most likely always be a spiller. I can't keep anything inside. It gets uncomfortable and I have to get it out.

Recently, I was in a position where I had to spill some information about someone I love to others. It was in this persons best interest, I promise. She is a beautiful individual, she radiates light into those around her. I have known her since the day she was born and I love her like my own family. I couldn't sit by and NOT say something. As a result, I think feelings were hurt and I feel like I am the bad guy. How did that happen? I think that at some times, we should just keep our thoughts to ourselves and let people find things out for themselves. Maybe I am TOO honest. Maybe I should stay out of other people's business. Normally I do. But this time, I felt compelled to say something and it's caused some upset and pain to someone I care about.

I have been on both side's of this fence. I knew information about someone once before and I didn't spill it right away. I thought on it overnight and how to best approach it, I did the dance with the "should I and shouldn't I's". So, this time, I thought spilling was the right thing. I spilled it immediately. I guess either way, you are screwed. You withhold, you're screwed. You tell, you're screwed. Life is so unfair sometimes. I know in my heart that this came from the right place. My question is: when is it right and when is it wrong? When do you tell the truth and when do you withhold? How do you know when the truth is too much? How do you keep a sock in your mouth and NOT say something?

I will learn from this experience. I guess from now on, it really is best to withhold initially and maybe even pray about the right thing to do. I guess projecting ourselves unnecessarily into other people's business is the wrong thing to do. I won't make this mistake again. The thing is, that normally, I don't do this. I have kept far out of everyone's lives I am close to for a very long time now. I have almost mastered it, until this latest slip. I guess this a perfect reminder of why I keep out in the first place.

Oh and by the way.....it's good to be back. I have written almost FOUR chapters on my book. I have been productive since my last post.

A lot going on....

There is a LOT going on in notjustanylisa land. I am not ready to share. I won't be posting for awhile until I get my head together. Don't worry, I will be back and be posting up a storm before you know it. I just need a much needed rest and that includes my time spent on the computer. I just need to put a few things into perspective and get my priorities straight. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I sort through my life right now.

Love and thanks.

There is a BUZZ in the air

I feel almost electric today. I am not sure what the deal is, but I can hardly sit still or contain myself. It's just another ordinary day in my life. I am doing the same thing today that I do every day. I have had moments of clarity like this before. I can feel another shift taking place. It's like some kind of gravitational pull is tugging me to move forward into an unknown destination. This time I feel the move will be a good move. I need to move on from the last low period and push forward to a new beginning.

I was reading another blog about New Year's resolutions and I felt just like the blogger in that I feel New Years resolutions seem really cliche' and no one ever follows through on them....but there is something to the thought of starting out fresh again in January. Something to be said of attempting to start anew. I read yesterday that January comes from the Latin word Janua, which means "doorway". January is the year’s doorway, an entrance, into a bright new beginning. I couldn't agree more. There is something to be said of starting out new each year with peace and hope in our hearts.

I decided that rather than make a New Year's resolution this year, I would make a vision board for my life. I filled it will all the things that I dream of and hope for. It felt good doing the project and I love the finished project. I am anxious to see what all you readers are doing for the New Year. Post you NY's resolutions here.

Mine are:

1) Get even more organized- this was on my list last year and I have made leaps and bounds with this area of my life and I am proud of it.

2) Spend one night a week with the electronics turned off and use it to be together as a family, like playing board games and such.

3) Quit cursing....embarrassed to admit that I cuss like a sailor when no one is around. But I know the big fella upstairs can hear me, so I'd like to refrain from foul language if I can, LOL!!

4) Work on my book, 1 chapter a month.

5) Save enough money to go to Germany next year.

So, go ahead and post below and tell me what you have on your list for 2009. Inquiring minds wanna know....