Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day to me......

I have always, always loved life and all that life has had to offer me. I thought I knew what living was all about until I had children. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved children, I just never had my own until I was well into my 30's, so by that time, I was pretty settled into single life and single living.

I am the type person, who HAS GOT to have breathing room and her own space or I will suffocate. When I became a mother, I wanted desperately to cling to my children, but desperately needed air as well. I love my children with every ounce of my being, but sometimes, I just need to *be* alone and centered so that I can be the best Mom to them that I can. I need silence so I can recharge my energies. I need to be alone, so that I can be one with myself.

My kids are cranky today and it's never quiet here. Quiet and autism don't belong in the same sentence I guess. I know if Ivy only understood how much I need silence, she would give it to me, but she doesn't. Noise and screaming and bad behavior is communication for her. It's how she tells me something is wrong, something is making her uncomfortable. I long for quiet days, but as a mother, I know, that the noise only lasts a short while and then they will leave me for good and I will fear that silence and long for the days of noise.

My dear sweet Jade, that poor baby, has to endure SO MUCH as a result of being Ivy's sibling. I can't blame her half the time for being disagreeable. Sometimes, the pressure is just sooooo intense that you just blow. You have to release it somehow and somewhere. Bless her little heart for being such a great big sister. I don't want you to think that it's always bad here all the time, because we have some happy and joyous times together, but they are only small little snippets of happiness sprinkled here and there throughout our days. I am so glad that I am a Mom and so proud to bear the title.

My girls have such endearing qualities each unique to their own selves. Jade is happy and sings without abandon, she dances and prances all over the house. She can't sit still and she is ever the explorer seeking out the next adventure. She loves art and theater, dancing, singing and music. She has a vivid imagination and daydreams a lot. She is tender hearted and thoughtful and so brave. She is fiercely independent always wants to do things herself and her own way. She doesn't let me hold her much or make over her and fuss about her and squeeze her or shower her with kisses. She is already off in her own little world thinking about what she can do next. Sometimes, at night, she let's me snuggle with her when she is tired....only then will she let me hold her, when she is at the point of exhaustion, she let's go in my arms. I live for those moments.

Ivy, is the exact opposite from Jade. She has eyes that can penetrate your soul. You can look into them and see forever. It's so hard to remember how happy and jolly she was as a baby before autism stole her from me. She lived in a dark world for a long time before I began to see the sparkle in her eyes again. She had no words for so long, no way to communicate other than crying, kicking and screaming. I was lucky in that most children with autism are not affectionate. God left for me that small little trait inside her. I think He knew that if she had no expression of love for me, that I wouldn't have that seed of hope for her healing. But she loves like no other child I have known. She hugs you and when you are hugged by her, you just know that she is hugging you with all that she is. You can feel it shoot straight to the middle of your heart. She squeezes you so tight and you just know, she is saying with her arms what her mouth can't say and her head doesn't quite understand. Ivy loves to sing and has a beautiful voice for such a young person. She never strays too far from me and loves to have me in her sight for extra reassurance that she is okay. She loves to swing and run and play and laugh. She loves to be tickled and chased and made over and babied. She is fiercely jealous and wants my attention or else. She loves to color and she loves school and learns so fast. Every day she amazes me as she conquers another step in her road to recovery.

Yes, I am one lucky Mother not just today, but everyday. Happy Mother's Day to me. I love, therefore, I am......woman, creator, nurturer, advocate, shepherd and best of all a MOTHER.....